Faithful

My mind has been every where for these past few days. I feel like it’s been harder than normal, more depressing, and such a deep feeling of loss. I know this is normal, but how much do I have to deal with, until it stops; there's only so much my body can take, and it's been through quite enough, thank you. When I want to think about something, it's hard to concentrate and when I don't want to think about something, it’s right there showing me disturbing images. Everyday it’s hit or miss... Some days are great and I feel like things are getting back on track, but then there are days like today where I completely derail and feel like I'm never going to get over this. I just feel so worn out… so sad.

As I look back, I can see how God was preparing me for July 21st. In my disillusioned mind, I thought I was going through my trial then, but now I know that the past few months was only intense training for everything to come. God doesn't give you what you can't handle, and before March... I wouldn't have been able to handle this. Not only was God showing me who I was, he was showing me who he is. For five months he talked to me, encouraged me, held my hand, picked me up, wiped my tears, helped me parent my son, and rebuilt my very character from the ground up.

It’s amazing to me how faithful he is! He never left me once; all the long nights, soaking in the word and speaking scripture to me. Sitting in the car for hours, wiping every tear I cried. Teaching me what is truly mean to love, while caring me the entire way. I now know that I wasn't being tested for then... he was preparing me for now. He showed himself faithful, the entire time. I can honestly tell you that I didn’t feel him leave me once. He prepared me for anything, but I feel like I'm failing miserably!

I feel so worn out from the past few months, I feel like the next thing that comes my way is going to keep me down and for good. I feel like God is saying to me once again, “Lyryn, will you trust me?” I know he won’t let me down, but the question still is… can I handle it? It’s funny, when I ask these silly questions, God always rebuttals with words from a song. Damn, He’s good!

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is racked
With illness, oh how can she laugh?
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

-Natalie Grant

My Birthday (Weekend)

Well I must admit, I did have a pretty good birthday. My friends and family really, truly out did themselves this year. They made me feel so loves, and in such a way I haven’t felt in a long time. I must say, I am BLESSED!

I started my birthday by coming into work with my office decorated by my good friend Kim, follow up with my husband bring me fresh picked flowers from his parents garden. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. But they were beautiful! Then Kasey had backed me a cake and brought it in. It tasted like marshmallows. After all of that, and getting no work done, my lovely sister came in with fresh baked cookies and reminded me that she always rights me a poem for my birthday. This year she wrote it on her blog, it was so sweet… I think I even cried. After ALL that, my day was shot...

That evening my best friend, sister, soon to be sister and (can say how we are related in less than 5 ways, therefore we’re sister) sister gave me a small dinner party. It was AWESOME. Just the girls and I sitting around talking, laughing and just being us! We all had such a blast.

Saturday, Jesse took me out. He took me to Panara Bread for lunch and then we went to see a Mama Mia. I know that it sounds like a lame way to take your wife out for her birthday, but I loved it. It was simple, and he really thought about it. My favorite place to eat and a chick flick… you have no idea what that means to me!

Sunday, Jesse and Jeremiah threw me a birthday party. It was wonderful; I got to show off my newly landscaped backyard, thanks to Brent! And everyone who was important to me was there. I was a wonderful gathering.

I know that I could write a whole lot more on this, but I’m not feeling to well right now, so I am just going to show you some picture that were taken Friday night. My two favorite pictures is the first one (that Susan took-awesome job, babe) and the second one. I took that one! I didn’t realize how nice it was until Sue put it on her facebook. Ok, well I hope you enjoy…

Love ... What is Love

Given the circumstances, it has been really hard to write these entries on love. I haven’t been in any kind of mood to love; and it’s been really making me think about how people love me. I know there was a reason God told me to study this chapter, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t. All I can say is LOVE is hard! You go through life thinking you know something, just to have it be flipped upside down and ripped from you, and then you must start all over again in your thought processes. It just goes to show… that we haven’t figured it all out yet, and I know God made it that way for a reason.

Never did I image going through so much by the time I turned 26. Falling in love, getting married, having a baby, being a single mom, having my whole world fall apart before my eyes. My body feels like it’s forty already, that can’t be normal! I’m not sure I’m ready to get into major details right now, but I am beginning to realize that your life isn’t going to stay a secret; and if you have already come to grips with that, than why not be an open book to the people around you? You’re only kidding yourself if you think others don’t notice there’s something going on… especially if you’re anything like me. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, so it’s VERY easy to see when I’m dealing with something.

I’m also beginning to realize that I might not be the only one out there. And that people can be encouraged by what I have been through and how much it has changed my life for the better. Bottom line is that if you’re not honest with yourself, you’ll never think people are being honest with you. So instead of always worrying about what people are going to say about you or point their fingers in shame of what you or someone close to you has done, remember… everyone has secrets and it’s only a matter of time till God exposes them.

So, even though there are so many questions in my head and bad thought to overcome… I believe that God has brought me through. The first half of the year has given me life experiences that I’m not to sure I am willing to give up. I learned that I am a stronger woman than I ever thought I could be. I learned who my identity was in and who it wasn’t in. I learned that anything could be thrown my way and still I would get up and brush off the dirt. I learned that Jesus in my husband and he would never fail me. I learned that I know when God is talking to me and I must obey him. I learned that I’m not half bad at being a mommy. I learned that I have the best family and friends in the world.

So would I change what I went through… no, I can honestly tell you NO! Yes… everything about it sucks, and I WILL never allow myself to live through it again, but I believe that it has not only made me a stronger person, but my family stronger and I can only hope it will make my marriage stronger. You know what they say… What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. Going forward, I have to hold onto the promise God has spoken into my life and not worry about the “What if’s.” He is my love, and who helps me love, because he loved me first.

Don’t worry about anything, instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Philippians 4:6