Breaking Through

Christmas 2011

2011-12-29T17:45:00.006-05:00

Hope you all had a wonderfully blessed Christmas!!

I know it's been a long time since I've written last and hopefully in the next week or so I can explain that, but for now, I just wanted to give a quick update before this year was over. (mostly of my favorite pictures from Christmas)

Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve is my favorite night. There is something so special about it to me. Maybe it's because I always remember it being so magical when I was little. Who knows, but we do spend it with my side of the family. We start with a yummy traditional Hungarian dinner and then head into the living room to exchange gifts. I think each year becomes more fun as we add children to the mix. However, at times... it did seem quite chaotic. But all-in-all it was a great time with family and being able to bless one another.

And my favorite.... two cousins fighting for a toy! I thought this was hysterical.

Christmas Morning
Christmas morning was so awesome. Four-year-old's have a way of making that magic of Christmas come a live again. Well, at least for me it did. Ian on the other hand, didn't really care about the gift he just wanted to play with whatever was opened by anyone. Jayden was so excited to see what Santa brought for him!!! He was even excited to see what Santa brought for mommy and daddy! It was so cute!

Christmas Day

Then we spent the rest of Christmas day with my in-laws. It was a good time with Jesse's side of the family. We had a wonderful breakfast that Jesse's dad made us, and then we went and opened some great gifts. I must say... we all made out pretty well this year. :)

That's about it from us. I hope you all had a lovely Christmas and that your new year is filled with joy and blessings! Hopefully I'll get some time this week to read over some of your Christmas fun!

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

Shutterfly... oh, How I Love Thee

2011-11-14T08:00:00.002-05:00

I can not believe that Christmas is just around the corner!

Where the heck did this year go!

A few weeks ago we finally got to take some family photos, thanks to my SIL Katie. She did an amazing job in capturing our family! At first, I thought there was no way we got a single good shot because my boys just wouldn't cooperate. However, I was very wrong. We got some great ones! Here are my favorite ones!

And now, I can finally start to process of ordering our Christmas card! And there is no other place I would go to order them, than good old Shutterfly. Last year, the ones I picked came out so great! I loved them!!

So this year won't be any different. Their collection of Christmas cards is awesome, the only problem I'm having trouble with is PICKING which one I want to use!

I'm even contemplating doing more then just a Christmas card. Last year I made a Shutterfly mug for my dad with the grand-kiddies on them and that was a huge success. I think I may want to do a Calendar or something for Jesse's parents.

A few weeks ago my friend had a Shutterfly photo book party at her house and we all got a free photo book. Needless to say I have been spending hours upon hours trying to do my first book. I just can't seem to make up my mind. However, they are going to make for some great Christmas gifts this year!

I'm really looking forward to this year... Have you thought about your Christmas cards yet?

Happy Halloween

2011-11-01T14:02:00.001-04:00

We had a fantastic Halloween last night. It was so much fun!!! Jayden’s excitement to go out and get candy made it that much more worth the bitter cold.

We all dressed up. Jayden was supposed to be going as a pirate (since I had bought him one for his birthday) however, he got a great Spiderman costume as a gift and that was WAY cooler than the pirate outfit. Go figure… Ian was a cow. Jesse went as our favorite serial killer Dexter Morgan and I went as a VERY disappointed Phillies fan (rightfully so).

The night was great! We got a lot of candy… maybe too much candy and had a blast going house to house. The boys were certainly wiped by the time we got home and both slept til 9 this morning. Yay for mommy!

Anyway.... Hope you all had a great Halloween!

I Adore Photo Shoots With Family

2011-10-25T08:00:00.000-04:00

There is nothing better than taking pictures of the people I love most. In my book, family is always free and I urge them to take advantage of that offer at anytime. ;) This past weekend my SIL did just that! She texted me Sunday morning asking if I would shoot her fall family pictures. There was no hesitation, of course I would!!!! I just love getting my camera on my little niece and her two beautiful parents!

So we went out around my favorite time of day to shoot, 4pm (just as the sun is setting for to most PERFECT lighting) to this cozy little winery down the street from their house. Such a perfect spot. I must say I think we got a few good ones.

What do you think?!

IS she not the cutest thing you ever did see?!

Interesting fact: This little miss and I share the same middle name!

Oh... and you see my watermark? The really pretty LK? Well, this is the awesome brother that made it for me! I'm a lucky sister!

Arrrr… Jayden is 4!

2011-10-19T08:00:00.001-04:00

I LOVE planning parties! Especially for people who are going to remember them! LOL! Kid’s parties have got to be my favorite to plan because it takes me back to being a kid myself. The themes, the games, the candy and fun; planning kids birthdays are my number one! hehe… can you tell I just love it!?!

So this year Jayden wanted pirates. Pirates seem to be the big thing this year, don’t they? I think pirates are cool, but I was not a fan of the whole skull and bones thing… so I had to figure something out to keep that from being the focus. So thanks to some friends on facebook along with the ah-ma-zing-ness of PINTEREST, I’m pretty sure I made a pretty great pirate party for my wonderful little man.

I decided this year we were going to make our own invites because making pirate-like “treasure maps invites” would be so much FUN to do! So I printed them out, cut them up, sanded them down and took a candle to these bad boys and this is how they turned out. I was pretty happy with the end result.

The next major thing to decide was the cake! Since cake decorating is my thing and I LOVE doing it, this had to be good. I saw a lot of ideas but ended up really wanting to do a pirate ship. How cool?! A 3D pirate ship?!

It would be a challenge but I knew I could do it! I did recruit my good friend Kristin to come over and work on it with me… however working with 4 kids running around isn’t easy so we just got it built and dirty-iced (crumb iced) before she had to go. This cake took me longer than most of my other cakes, but it was totally worth it. My husband said… “Best cake you’ve done yet, hon!” I was pretty thrilled at the way it turned out!!

Last Saturday, October 8th we had Jayden’s 4th birthday party. We held it at my parent’s church so that we would have enough room. (Our house is SO not big enough for things like this.) I painted some old wood that my wood-working father-in-law let me borrow and made signs and decorated the church basement the best I could. Made a dress-up area so all the kids would look like pirates when they got there and made a photo booth so I could get a picture of all the kids dressed up. Set up an awesome kids table just for all the young lads and lasses who would be attending so they could all sit together.

I wanted to make this party an experience… not just an event. When kids came in they would go to the dress-up area to get all pirated-out and then get their picture taken. After everyone arrived we started games. (1) Pin the treasure on the map (2) Cannonball Pop (3) Treasure hunt to find their goody bags (4) Piñata - to add more candy to their already huge treasure chest full of candy! Kids DREAM! The kids seemed to have a wonderful time. If not… I knew Jayden was having a blast and that’s all that really matters, right?!

Then we went in to get some refreshments and cake. The food was simple because the cake was the big focal point. Plus… this cake was HUGE and it had to be eaten!!! So we sang happy birthday to the birthday boy and dug in. Despite the fact that the fondant melted onto the cake, it turned out pretty well. People seemed to like it and I came home with less than half a cake, so Yay to that!

All in all it was a fantastic birthday! I had fun planning it and people seemed to really enjoy it. AND... that cake was freaking epic (well at least for an amateur cake decorator)! Thanks to my SIL who got the amazing pictures, because God knows this wouldn’t have been documented if I was the one taking all the pictures!! She did awesome, right?! Thanks for doing that, babe!

NOTE: If you have any questions about the party on what I did or how I did them, please let me know! I didn't want to go into too much because I didn't want to bore anyone, but if you are interested in knowing what was done I would be happy to go over it... maybe in a blog post or something?! ;)

Jayden Attila

2011-10-17T14:09:00.001-04:00

Yesterday my baby (not so baby anymore) turned 4!

(I didn’t get a chance to write yesterday because I was away for the weekend and then… I didn’t want to be at the computer writing when I should be spending time with him on his actual birthday. So please forgive the lateness on this)

I can remember every detail of his birth like it was yesterday! Haha, but I won’t bore you with the gritty details in this post. If you really want to hear them you can just go read them here if you so wish to.

We had a birthday party for him last week, which I will catch up on on later this week for all that ARE interested in knowing how that went and what I did. However, I wanted to do my special post that I do each year for him first.

To My Son...

Jayden Attila,

My heart is so full when I think of the past four years. Your heart is so pure and so kind; a true gentleman even at the age of 4. You are a servant who loves to be a help. My heart skips a beat when you cheerfully ask to help with something I’m doing. You are so intelligent and your excitement for learning excites me! Your love for the Lord brings me to my knees, because YOU have taught me what it means to come to the Father like a child.

You, my son, are teaching me more than I feel I will ever be able to teach you at times. You love me unconditionally even on days I screw up royally, always reminding me how much you’ve forgiven my short comings and how much you love me by taking your little hands to my cheeks and getting me eye level with you and saying “You are a good mommy.” A mommy needs that, and your spirit knows exactly how to communicate that to me.

You are teaching me patience daily ~~(which at times feels more like a battle)~~. You are teaching me to lighten up and just have fun; which seeing how these past four years have flown by it's pretty important. You are teaching me to be kind and to be slow to anger. You are teaching me what the heart of a child is and how I need to come with that heart more often. Most important, you are teaching and growing me to be a better mommy.

I may fail you here and there at times, but know this… I promise to always love you and support your hopes and dreams. I promise to love you through the good times and bad and never judge you through your mistakes because I know we ALL make them! I promise to be your biggest fan and cheer you on in whatever you choose to do. I promise to raise you in knowing how wonderful the heavenly Father’s love, grace and mercy are for all of us. I promise to be the best mom I can be for you and your siblings.

God heard my cry for you even before you were born. You were and always will be a blessing to me and your father. You are a joy and a precious gift and I can not imagine life without you these past four years. I pray for you daily and pray for the man you will one day become. I pray for the life you will lead and the work you will do for the Lord. I pray for the woman that will one day steal your heart and for the marriage you will honor all the days of your life. I pray for the father I know you’ll one day be and the incredible influence you will be in their life. I pray for your destiny and your legacy and pray that God will always be the center of that.

Your life has just begun and God has great things in store for you. I know that one day you will be a wonderful and mighty man of God who will put his footprint into this world and make a difference for good. I see your strength and love for people; I see what God is already doing in your heart. I’m so honored that God chose me to raise you. I’m so proud of the little man I see growing in front of me daily and I’m so excited to see who you will become.

You are blessed!

Love,
Mommy
xoxoxoxox

Silent Sunday

2011-09-25T12:24:00.000-04:00

Psalm 104: 24-25 “How many are your works, O Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures. There is the sea, vast and spacious, teeming with creatures beyond number-living things both large and small.”

Bye to Summer

2011-09-19T17:12:00.000-04:00

Last Beach trip of the summer...

It was fun, but I think I'm ready for fall :)

Hope you all have a great week!

First Day of School

2011-09-13T07:59:00.001-04:00

My little man had his first day of preschool yesterday. So sad how quickly he is growing up, it was just yesterday I was bringing him home from the hospital. But even between the reminiscing and tears there is also a lot of excitement for what the future is going to hold for this amazing little boy.

As I was looking back at my blog to see what I wrote about last year I realized that I never wrote anything about him going to preschool for the FIRST time! MOMMY Fail! So let me just catch you up. Jayden started preschool last year at the church that Jesse and I grew up in. My mom was even a board member when the preschool first opened. I KNEW that when I had kids I would want to send my children to this preschool. And after last year, I’m so glad I did. He had wonderful teachers, has a great class and LOVES school. All summer long we would pass the church and he would ask “Mommy, is my school back yet?” He just could not wait to get back in the classroom.

Last year, Jayden wasn’t thrilled as he walked into his first time ever classroom. He didn’t know what to make of it and didn’t understand why mommy would be leaving him there. Of course he warmed up to it quickly and started to be very comfortable there with no hesitation when I dropped him off.

However this year? On his first day? Shy Jayden was just no where to be seen! He didn’t look back even once, not even to say "bye" or "see ya later mom!" Walked his way in there like he owned the place; saw friends from last year and did his thing.

Oh my baby is SOOOO not a baby anymore. MY baby is now big boy who loves to be his own person, socialize and learn. He is energetic and fun and loves to help. When I went to pick him up his teacher told me that he has matured so much over the summer. She told me how polite and helpful he was. Saying “Yes ma’am” and always saying his “please and thank you's” She said a group of them were having such a silly time and by mistake they all bumped heads and Jayden cut his lip. She was so proud of how they all apologized to Jayden and how quickly Jayden forgave them. Let me just say, she wasn’t the only proud one in the room after hearing that.

I have a feeling this year is going to be a good year for Jayden.

Anyone else have kids starting school this year? How are you handling it?

Happy Birthday Bestie

2011-09-08T08:23:00.000-04:00

Today is my best friend, Susan's 29th birthday!

Here's to 12 years of an amazing friendship and birthdays we've celebrated together!! Praying the best year of your life this year, sweetie! I love you more then you know! You are a blessing!

My Back Story

2011-09-07T08:15:00.001-04:00

Every Christian has one.

Whether you grew up in the church or had a tough upbringing; most of us (who are believers) have had a point in our lives when we realized that without Jesus we would be so incredibly lost. That in our darkest of times, there was only one man who could heal the pain and lift us out of our deepest misery.

Each story, no matter how big or small, can speak volumes to those who desperately need to grab hold of Jesus. We all have a back story that others can relate to, that can show them how amazing our God is and remind them that what He did for us, He can also do for them.

When Jesse and I first started attending our church and began to realize that this was going to be our home, we knew that our past was something we were not going to keep a secret. We wanted to be honest about where we had been in our marriage and the struggles that ended up leading us to where we are today. We made a choice to go into this new church family with no secrets and with our biggest failures laid out before us. Thankfully, and much to my surprise, we were welcomed with open arms, no judgment and an attitude to help others with what we have learned through this process.

So when our church announced their new fall series a few months back called “My Back Story,” you better believe Jesse and I wanted to do it. Remember back when I first started our love redeeming series? In my first post I threw out a few statistics that make it very apparent that we were NOT the only couple at Freedom Life that had experienced or was currently experiencing infidelity.

My heart in doing this was to show the church that it’s ok to talk about infidelity; and for people going through it to feel more comfortable about going to the church for help.Too many times I have seen churches condemn people for the mistakes they’ve made, instead of holding them and showing them the love that Jesus shows all of us on a daily basis. I have also seen many churches come together and gather around the broken. Thankfully, I’m in one of those churches. This makes it that much sweeter to participate in this series.

This week our church went live with the series. They have a great group of people telling their back story along with us, and if you have a few moments it’s worth taking a look. Ours is one of the first being told… here is a look at our video ...

(I must say, I wasn’t thrilled at first. I was incredibly self-conscious about the way I spoke. Worse, I had a moment of self-pity when I was consumed with my unflattering appearance, annoyed how this fancy HD camera seriously added 20lbs to a body I THOUGHT had lost all my baby weight, and then was embarrassed by the little shoulder shrug I added near the end. What was that?!)

No matter how unimpressed I was with myself in this video, I know that when we signed up to do this… it wasn't about me. It was about what God has done with this broken, hurt, doesn't always have it all together, VERY imperfect couple. It is about what He has brought this marriage out of, and about what He is now doing with all that we have learned. It's about His promise to us and our family and proof that God never failed us. It's about Jesus making us stronger when we felt like we had nothing left to give. It's so much bigger than me and I’m SO thankful that He is walking us through our Back Story.

Silent Sunday

2011-09-04T12:21:00.001-04:00

This is from a few weeks back, but I thought... what the heck.

RIP Jeep. Welcome to the Family Toyota

2011-08-30T07:59:00.005-04:00

So... I know I have been a little quiet these past few weeks. It's not that I haven't wanted to write; in fact all I really would prefer to do right now is to write. Writing would help me process so much of what is going on in this crazy brain of mine. A LOT has happened since I've turned 29, but I'll ease you into it slowly.

Thank you all for the warm wishes on turning 29. It was a good birthday. Very good birthday! My birthday girl's night out was a success. (as you can see from this post) Then my husband got his sister to take the boys over night the next day and we had a great evening together.

My husband and I are huge movie buffs so we did a double feature and saw "Planet of the Apes" and then saw "The Help" right after that. Both movies were amazing. Believe it or not, I think Planet of the Apes was my favorite. It was such a phenomenal movie. Cried a bunch and CAN NOT wait to see what they do with the next one. The Help was pretty awesome too. My BFF came with us to that one. I was so excited she could come out with us. I cried a lot in that movie as well, and really would recommend both those movies to anyone. Jesse and I then went out to get a bite to eat and then went back home to a quiet house. It was a fantastic week to say the least.

However my birthday DAY was uneventful besides the visit from my Bestie and SIL with some pretty flowers and a really yummy chocolate cake. Oh yea.... and the call from my father saying that he had just gotten into a car accident with my car.

Thankfully he was not hurt and in no way was I mad at all that it happened. Accidents happen, right?! He was so upset with himself, I felt more bad for him then my car because he thought he had ruined my birthday. Far from it! He was safe, no one was hurt... a car is a car, it can be fixed or replaced.

When he got home all you could see was damage to my back passenger side door. It really didn't look terrible. The worst I thought it would be was replacing both doors.

After a week of not knowing what was happening with my car and getting no answers, the place supposedly fixing my car finally called me to tell me that they were up to $7500 of damages and the insurance company was going to call it a loss. This was a shot out of left field. Didn't expect that to be the case at all. I learned a lot of lessons that week. 1. Don't have a $1000 deductible. 2. ALWAYS have car rental on your policy because it SUCKS being stuck at home with no car. 3. Losing and finding a replacement car in a matter of weeks takes a lot of time and hard work. I can feel the stress building up in my back.

Thankfully a few months back Jesse and I threw around the option of trading in my Jeep for a minivan, so I had already done a lot of research on minivans and I knew what I wanted. I just needed to find the best deal for our pocket. We got some money back from the insurance company (more than I expected to get) and my parents paid for the deductible so we could put a good amount down. After all the searching and looking I found a great deal on a 2004 Toyota Sienna. Everything I wanted! Perfect for a growing family.

I have to say that I'm pretty darn proud of myself ~ Last week my husband was SWAMPED with work. Crazier than normal with work issues so most of the time I was on my own to find us a car. I did all the work, even test drove cars all by myself. When I found the one we wanted, I even negotiated by myself and get this.... I got him to come down $2000!!!! I learned a lot through this process. I learned I am smarter and tougher than I look. I knew what I was talking about when I went in there and most of the car guys were impressed with the questions I asked. I didn't just find a pretty car and say "I want this." I looked at a lot of cars, a lot of deals and I feel that I got a great one.

And on Saturday, we finally had a car! We bought the best car for our family and I'm thrilled that I put so much work into finding it. It makes driving it that much better, knowing all the hard work I put into getting it. To some a car is just a car, but for me it's something more. I plan on having this car for a long time. It's the car I will take my kids to school in and pick them up in. It's the car we will take many memorable family vacations in. This car is something that will keep my family safe when driving... and I feel safe in it.

What do you think?!

So that is where I have been for the past two weeks. I have hardly had time to even process all of this, but wanted to let you all know where I have been. Forgive me for being so behind. I even missed blog posts two of my friends wrote about me on my birthday and didn't see them until a week later. FAIL! I will make some time today to catch up on all your blogs. Miss reading all of them and excited to have a little more time in my day now. Hope you all have been doing well!

Who Gets Their Baby Adjusted?!

2011-08-22T07:49:00.002-04:00

Have you ever gone to a Chiropractor?

Are you one of those people who swears by them like my uncle does?

Have you ever considered taking your baby to a chiropractor to get adjusted?!?!

Might that hurt them?!

All questions I had a few weeks back before I took my one year old son to get adjusted for the first time.I have never been to a chiropractor in my entire life. For me, when someone cracks their knuckles it gives me the hebejebes. The sound is like nails on a chalk board to me. So… the thought of ever taking MYSELF to a chiropractor was never something I considered. Never once did I look at the benefits of it or see what it could do for me. All I ever thought about was that I would have to hear that terrible popping sound that I dreaded so much!

However, thankfully I have this wonderful friend Kristin whose husband (Dr. Richard Gorgo) is a chiropractor and she began to tell me all the benefits of getting your children adjusted, even at the youngest of ages. All of her children were adjusted in their first week of life and have been adjusted ever since. They have never once had an ear infection. My one year old has had at least three in his first year of life alone so that is quite impressive to me. I hate when my baby is sick especially with an ear infection and if he could possibly not have them anymore? Then I’m up for trying that!

After talking to Kristin for a few weeks, doing a little research on my own and then her asking me to at least to give it a try, (I mean for goodness sakes it was FREE) I caved and took Ian to get adjusted last Monday after my birthday dinner. I’m pretty sure I was more nervous than Ian was, and sadly I think Ian could feel that. Ian wasn’t happy at all about it and didn’t at all like being touched, but again it WAS 9pm (way after his bed time) and I’m sure he was more exhausted than anything. Richard (Kristin’s husband) however, was absolutely wonderful with him! He was gentle with Ian, let us know everything he was doing when he was checking Ian out, and also educated us more on the benefits of doing this. I guess it was an added bonus that we knew the doctor... but he made us feel very comfortable and we felt our little boy was in great hands.

And let me tell you?! This past week?! Ian was so amazing, laid back and wonderfully pleasant!!! He was having the worst time with sleeping before he got adjusted, all of which changed the very next day. Took naps amazingly and was so completely chipper and happy during the day. It was more than I could ask for! It was like he felt better all around! You didn't have to ask me twice, I knew I was taking him back!

Yesterday we took him back and he went through it all over again. A little better than the last time, but still not a fan of being touched. My husband loves going with me because him and Rich get to talk. Let me tell you, they are like two girls chatting away and you can't get them to shut up. In fact they were talking away about all of Jesse's back issues and Rich kindly adjusted him on the spot. Can't beat that service! :)

My thoughts in all of this? In no way am I telling anyone what they should do. If it works for us, we are sticking with it and I'm surely going to write about it. But, I do think everyone should figure out what best works for them. If this is something you want to do, then do some research and do what YOU think is best for your family. If it's something you don't want to do, then don't.

My feeling is, if I can keep my kids off antibiotics as much as possible, I’m going to do it! If I can make my kids feel better by getting this done, I’m going to do it! For us, we are still feeling this out, but we like what we see so far and we trust the doctor doing it. If it works out for us I'm sure we'll get any other kids we have in the future adjusted at a very young age. But let's just see how this week goes, right?!

How do you feel about Chiropractors?

Would you get your child adjusted?!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this!

Last Year In My 20’s

2011-08-15T08:05:00.003-04:00

Today, I turn 29.

Why does that sound so old?!

I know it’s still young and I’ve been told that your 30’s are pretty remarkable. I guess I’m just wondering where my 20’s went! However, every birthday I have had for the past few years I have loathed. So this year I took a new outlook on turning 29. I’m going to celebrate the last year of being in my 20’s. Why not?! I could be depressed and claim I’m going to die soon… but the bottom line is that I’m not and I have had a pretty fantastic life up until now. So I want to celebrate that and make my last year of being in my 20’s that much more incredible.

I started off the celebrating by going out with my best girls on Friday night - hanging out with the ladies who have been there through all of my 20’s and have spoken so much over my life in the past 10 years. It was wonderful. I wanted a night of dancing and fun and that’s exactly what we did. I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves. Thanks to my sister-in-love, Katie who grabbed my camera and documented what she could of the night!

Started off the night with some drinks then went to one of my favorite spots in West Chester, Landmark and had a fantastic dinner.

We then wanted to get some picture of the group, but the restaurant was so dark so we ended up taking our food back to our cars and while we were there Katie just started snapping away. (i.e that’s why most of our pictures are taken in a parking garage.) My friend Cara was ready to dance and apparently so was this random stranger … so they decided they would bust a move out there in the open with absolutely no music. It was hysterical.

I then had a breakdown. (You see... you can’t do anything with me without having me go all hormonal on your butt). Don’t get me started… I’m an emotional freaking roller coaster and my poor friends had to deal with it. I felt SO stupid! However, they recovered my “falling apart self” pretty quickly by loving on me and then making me take silly pictures. I got a picture with each of the girls…

And then decided I was ready to hit the dance floor.

However, we didn’t do much dancing. We had a few drinks, took a few more pictures and then around 12 I kind of pooped out. CAN YOU SAY OLD?!?! Honestly, it just showed me that I would much rather go to one of my good friend’s house; dance it up there with people I know (instead of feeling like I was a piece of meat, because frankly I'm too old for that) and hanging out with friends. BUT… I did like dressing up. I think all girls like to dress up, so that was pretty awesome!

This has gotten to be too long, so I’ll tell you about the rest of my weekend later this week.

I did however want to say my 20’s have been pretty epic. I got married to the love of my life, bought our first house together, and made a family. I had two amazing little boys who light up my life and make being a mommy the most amazing thing ever. I have had the most amazing friends and family to make my 20’s that much more memorable! I went on so many wonderful trips with my bestie’s and had opportunities I never thought I would have by working at my last job. All in all; my 20’s have been amazing. I couldn’t be any more thankful and I’m hoping that this year will be just as awesome, if not better.

Here’s to having the best year of my life!

Silent Sunday

2011-08-14T15:14:00.000-04:00

My "Girl's Night" birthday

My... GIRLS!

Do Everything

2011-08-10T08:59:00.001-04:00

Though my life is very full and I’m incredibly blessed and grateful for the family I have and the things God has given me, I sometimes struggle with an overwhelming feeling that I’m not doing everything I should be doing. There are many days that go by when I wonder “What am I doing? What’s my purpose? Does any of this matter?”

I STRONGLY believe in Jeremiah 29:11 and I know God has something up his sleeve for me, but what is it and am I doing it now?! Because if I am… I feel like I’m failing at it miserably. There are many days I have to discipline Jayden multiple times a day, which almost always leave him in tears. Am I the only person who makes my child cry daily?! Mommy Failure!

There are days I don’t give my husband the attention I know he needs because I just don’t have it in me to try. Wife failure! A girl can only take failure so much and then she starts to wonder if any of this matters anymore. I know… I’m being a little hard on myself. I tend to do that a lot and see the bad before I see any of the good (bad character trait) but it is something the Lord has been working on in me.

A few weeks back I was really wrestling with the thought of “Does any of this matter?” I wanted something more than just my day-to-day kind of life, even threw around the idea that maybe a job would be better for me. As I went before the Lord and pleaded my case He reminded me of a time back when I was working and felt incredibly undervalued. He reminded me of something my best friend (who worked with me at the time) said. She told me that no matter what we do we should always do it as we were doing it for the Lord. Whether it be missions, dance, singing, or working at our jobs, we are to always bring glory to Him. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

The very next day I heard Steve Curtis Chapman’s “Do Everything” song on the radio. I had heard it a hundred times before but this time I felt like it was speaking to me. Not only did I realize that I wasn’t the only person in the world to feel this way (uh duh), I also felt such a conviction about the attitude I had been throwing around lately.

There are a lot of people in the world who “wonder” if what they are doing even matters. It is what those people do with that feeling that really matters. Everything we DO should be to glorify God. THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS and that’s all that should matter. Somehow I forgot that conversation I had years back with my BFF. I'm thankful the Lord reminded me. There will be days I will fail, but I’m going to try a heck of a lot harder to be happy with what God has called me to do, and bring glory to Him as I do it.

“Do everything you do to the Glory of the One who made you. To do every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face, and tell the story of grace with every move that you make. In every little thing you do.” - Steve Curtis Chapman

I Hope I Get A Second Chance

2011-08-08T07:49:00.003-04:00

Would you believe that I couldn't read until I was in 7th grade? You would think someone would have caught on... Right? If it was a word I could easily sound out, (meaning no words that had stupid laws like "I" before "E" or two letters like "p" and "h" coming together to make an "eff" sound) I could read it. But other than that... I was completely illiterate.

If you would have told me (even after learning how to read) that I would one day want to be a writer, I would have for sure rolled my hormonal teenage eyes at you, called you crazy and then asked you if you read my 6 page crap of a senior paper. Me and English...didn't mix. Even today I still struggle with it terribly. I'm the worst speller in the world and grammar? Forget it. Thank god (or maybe Bill Gates) for Microsoft Word for the ability to spell-check and check my grammar, or you would never be able to understand my blog posts. Today this is still something I'm completely self-conscious about. I hate reading in front of others for fear that I may have to sound out a word... I mean who sounds out words at 29? No one I know!

At a young age I was diagnosed with dyslexia. My test scores were getting worse, however I knew the stuff. One day a teacher gave me a science test verbally and I got almost every single answer correct. I pretty much sucked at everything. I hated school. I felt beyond inadequate and completely stupid and that label "special Ed" was plastered to my forehead. Teachers did their best to help, but for some reason...I just couldn't get it!

Luckily, I have an amazing mom who would fight for me each year to get the help I needed. She knew I could do more, I just needed someone who would teach me the way I needed to be taught. You see, IEP's have come a long way since I was in school. My mom had to work at getting me an IEP... now-a-days, EVERYONE has one.

In 7th grade I had the opportunity to be put in a class with other 7th graders just like me. This was not something I wanted because it just further confirmed that I was not as smart as the rest. However, this teacher turned out to be the only person in 12 years to really understand how my brain worked and she taught me the way I needed to be taught.

Though this teacher wasn't always the nicest person to be around, and would sometimes see a chair flying across her room (NO JOKE), she "got it"! She knew how to reach a part of our brains that other teachers got frustrated with. She knew we needed to be repetitive about our learning, and do it until we got it. She cared about us succeeding, and for that I'm more grateful to her than she will ever know.

Like all issues, until you go through it you just don't get it. This teacher not only changed my life by teaching me how to read, she made me acknowledge that I could do it. Without her, who knows where I would be today. I'm sure it would be the farthest place from this blog.

Two weeks ago I saw her in a Target. However, I just kept walking. Oh how I wish I had stopped her to see how she was and tell her what an impact she made on my life. I wish I had told her that I am able to write today because she invested her time in me and believed in me more than I believed in myself.

My SIL encouraged me to write her a letter. I guess maybe this is my first step in that direction. I hope I get a second chance to tell her how much she meant to me.

A Few Photo Shoots I've Done Recently...

2011-08-04T08:40:00.001-04:00

In the last month or so there have been a few photo shoots I have done.

Here a some of my favorites.

What a cute family! Right?! Well the pretty mommy in this family was someone I knew way back in high school. Since then we have really become fast friends and I'm so blessed to have her in my life. Her kids love my kids and my kids love her kids. It's awesome! It was great that I could do this for them.

Remember this beautiful little face?

Well about 4 weeks ago I got to take her 10 month photos.

And we thought she couldn't get CUTER!?!?

Last but not least...

I'm almost done editing the pictures from my last wedding. I'm sorry if I showed you these pictures already, but I still love them so I'll show them to you again.

Hope you all are having a great week!

What I'm loving Wednesday

2011-08-03T07:59:00.001-04:00

Since I haven’t been writing that much recently, I’m going to take this “What I’m Loving Wednesday” back a few weeks to just catch you up on what I have been just loving lately. In the hustle and bustle of life, you sometimes forget all the things that are just so great. And there is no better time to remind myself of this than now.

I’m loving that I made it through July. YAY! It’s over! Had a few rough weeks in there, but was so blessed by so many of you guys and your sweet words and prayers. Even more so, I was blessed by my husband, who kept me grounded and kept reminding me how special I am and how happy he is to be married to me. That blessed the socks off of me!! Now… it is just smooth sailing into fall which will be a relief from all this heat! Right?!

I’m loving that cloth diapers are going so well for us. We are by no means perfect at what we are doing or have figured everything out when it comes to cloth diapers, but we are making it work for us and I’m so glad that I chose to try it. Need to still figure out how to get the bad diaper pail smell out of Ian’s room, but other than that…. it’s been pretty awesome. I have found some really awesome ideas from other mommies out there CD’ing, and I’m pretty darn happy with the diapers we went with. All in all, very happy with cloth diapers!

I’m loving that yesterday I got feather extensions! I’m super excited about them and the lady that did them secretly gave me one for free so that was SO AWESOME! Three little ones on the right and one fat green and black one on my left. I like them! I think they are cute. What do you think?!

I’m loving that the Senate finally got their butt in gear and finally came to an agreement on the debt situation (ok - somewhat came to an agreement). Ugh, so maybe I’m not loving anything about this stupid situation, but it was a way for me to add it somewhere in my blog since politics is never something I talk about. My WORD! These people are playing with people’s lives here! At least they came up with something that will hold us over for a little while. Was anyone else as annoyed with this as much as my husband and I were? We are just so appalled at both sides and all their political agendas. YUCK!

I’m loving The MOB society. Today is the last day to sign up for their bloghop… so if you are a mom of all boys… do it! SO AWESOME! I’m so thrilled that I found them and now can find a resource to speak into my boys lives. Again… highlight! YAY!

I’m loving (going back to last week) that last Monday I got to spend an entire day with Jayden at Sesame Place. We had a blast!!! It was so wonderful to just be one-on-one with him - not worrying if Ian needed a nap, just giving Jayden my full attention. He loved it and told me multiple times that day how much fun he was having and what a good mommy I was. LOL… what kids will say when they are having fun, right?! Still, I was happy to have that time with my oldest little man. Best part of the whole day was that it started raining around 3… which ended up getting us two FREE tickets to come back! Needless to say, we’ll be doing that again!

Wanna know a secret? This year I’m actually loving the fact that my birthday is coming up. For those who know me, I am NOT a birthday person. I actually hate my birthday, because for some reason it reminds me that I’m getting old and I have expectations so high that even I can’t meet them! So to be excited for my birthday… is completely out of the ordinary. However, this is the last year of my 20’s and I kind of want to look at this year in a different light so I’m going to turn 29 positively. I’M planning an awesome girl’s night out next weekend and whoever can come will come and celebrate with me. I’m going to have fun, be with some awesome people and celebrate this awesome new year of my life! Positive!:)

I guess that is enough for now! Hope you all are having a great week!

Moms Of Boys

2011-08-01T08:00:00.002-04:00

This weekend I stumbled across the most amazing blog ever! Lol… well, for me at least. I was beyond thrilled when I happened to click on a BlogHop that lead me straight to “The M.O.B Society”. As I started to read their About page and found myself answering “YES” to all of their questions, I literally busted into tears as I started to feel some sigh of relief that I wasn’t alone anymore. Oh these ingenious creators and writers, I think I may strive to write for them one day. ;)

Most of my friends have daughters, so for me this blog was a breath of fresh air because you don’t really “get it” until you have a boy of your own. This fantastic blog is not only a place especially for moms who are raising boys, but also for moms who want to (in the words of M.O.B.S) “reach the hearts of {their} boys for the Gospel and prepare a generation of men to love the Lord.” Amen?!

SO… with that being said, I knew I had to join up and participate in their First annual Boy Mom BlogHop!

A Bit About Me: My name is Lyryn (pronounced Leer-in) and I’m about to turn 29. (yikes!) I am happily married to the love of my life and high school sweetheart, Jesse. Our marriage has never been prefect and we have had our share of tough times, but we believe that God is going to use all that we have gone through to touch others, and we praise Him for that! I am a SAHM to two amazing little boys, Jayden and Ian and I just love what I do!

My Boys: My boys are my world and I couldn’t imagine my life without either of them. There was a reason God gave me boys first, and though I’m still trying to figure it all out I can tell you that it has been quite an amazing adventure and wouldn't trade it for the world.

Jayden, who will be four in October, is my artistic, independent, fun-loving, hysterical fire-ball of a little dude. His personality is infectious and there is never a dull moment when he’s around (just like his daddy). Ian, who just turned one in June, is my sweet, laid-back, “do things when I’m good and ready,” incredibly daring and adventurous, cuddle-bum-I-prayed-so-hard-for toddler. I tell people he will be the one that will backpack through Europe one day. Both of them are so amazingly different and unique, yet perfectly made for our family.

What I Do: Besides being a full-time mommy to these boys, I do some part-time bookkeeping (from home) for my brother’s construction business and also run a small photography business on the side WHICH never feels like work since I love photography so much. However, the thing that recently has been pulling at my heart strings is the ministry my husband and I want to do with our testimony. This past April my husband and I felt the Lord calling us to write about our testimony of how the Lord helped us through an affair and one of the toughest times in our marriage and (with the help of God's grace and mercy). He restored our marriage to something that is even better than before. Our hearts are to see marriages restored and as T.D. Jakes so eloquently states “Your{our}ministry will be where your misery has been.”

My Favvvv-rit Book: Favvvv-rit is how Jayden says "favorite". Books are big in this household. We read all day and daddy always reads a book at night. I think right now Jayden’s favorite book would be "Just for You" by Mercer Mayer. He even has the copy of the one I had when I was a kid. We read that multiple times a day! Ian doesn’t really have a favorite book, but one that I always read to him and one of my favorites is "Goodnight Moon."

There… I think I covered everything. Anyway, I’m super excited about this bloghop and also to meet other moms in the M.O.B Society. I’m so thankful that I came across this site! If any of you guys out there are like me and have all boys… head on over and check them out; they are awesome!

Have a great week ladies!

I'm Alive... Just Being Still

2011-07-27T16:00:00.002-04:00

Sorry I've been MIA for a week now. I know I have lots of things to say, however I just don't know how to go about writing them.

My spirit has been telling me to be still, lay low, listen for the Holy Spirit. {Psalm 46:10} Gentle whispers, asking me to "be still and just know that He is God." Teaching me that He is in control of my life and that He has a plan and a purpose for me. Asking me to take in ALL of who HE is. This... is what I have been doing.

I want to thank all of you for the amazing love and support you sent our way last week. All the prayers that came our way were very much felt, and Jesse and I want to thank you all so much for loving us. We got amazing comments, beautiful emails and some wonderful texts on Thursday just telling us that we are loved and supported and it blessed me more than you will ever know.

For now, I'll just leave you with a song that has been just soaking into my spirit this past week....

Hold Me Together

Royal Tailor

More Cakes

2011-07-20T08:06:00.002-04:00

My recent cakes... just putting them up for me, really.

This one I made for a friend's baby shower. I will never attempt this again since I piped all the words (crazy)! Plus, I can't stand my handwriting and as a perfectionist when it comes to my cakes, it just drove me nuts! I'm sure there was an easier way to do this... but alas I did not do it that way. Oh well.

This one I made for my father-in-law last night. This one... I LOVED making and took me only about 20 minutes to put together! Can't beat that!!! It was good. Chocolate icing, covered in Heath bars (my father-in-law's favorite candy) and then my butter-cream icing and gum-paste for the grass. EASY! And it was SOOOO good!

Hope everyone is having a great week so far. Honestly can't believe I have been writing all week! Go me! Thank you all for your wonderful comments Monday, it really touched my heart. Things have been pretty good this week, just want to get past tomorrow! :)

First Week of Cloth

2011-07-19T08:16:00.001-04:00

So far… so good!

I’m really enjoying it more than I thought I would. Call me a dork but the research is fun as well. I’m learning a lot and so many moms have so many great ideas! Why the heck didn’t I do this before? Oh yea… because I didn’t really understand it.

I know that I’m new to this whole cloth diaper thing, but there are a few things I wanted to just put out there that have been good for me. Thought maybe I could pass on what I’ve learned even though most of you have been doing this much longer.

First, a lot of people asked me what diapers I went with. Cost was a huge thing for me so I couldn’t buy $500 worth of diapers because well, we just didn’t have the money to do that. So I didn’t go with the most popular brands such as BumGenius, GroVia or Rumparooz. So my friend told me about Sunbaby, which are made just like those top brands AIO’s (all in ones).

There were some great reviews and some not so great reviews, but it seemed like for what I wanted they were a great brand to start out with, without being such a hit to our bank. So I got them! And they have been great so far! I realize it’s only been a week and that I need to give them more time but for what I paid for them I think I’ll be ok. Plus, they have some great designs.

A Diaper Sprayer is a must! Oh my word. I would have quit by now without it. There is no need to really explain since this made the most dirty part of cloth diapering that much easier. Best thing they ever invented! LOVE.

Wipe Solutions. I thought this would be the hardest thing to do but I have found some good ideas for making wipes and good solution receipts. I just made this awesome one with essential oils. I kind of laughed at myself while I was making it because this was SO not me. If you want to try it… here it is! The Lavender also makes for a good diaper pail sprayer. :)

Last but not least, wet bags are a must! You can find them pretty cheap but they’re even better when you win them in a giveaway! That’s why I’m blogging about it! I found out on Sunday that I won a wet bag over at 5K & Chardonnay! Yay! So excited! What a way to start my first week off with cloth diapers. Winning something?! Totally awesome!

Hope your having a great week so far!

I Feel I Must Apologize

2011-07-18T08:17:00.001-04:00

I feel like I may have given you the wrong impression of me when I started our Love Redeeming series back in April. I’m afraid that I might have shown you a side of me that “looked” like I had this all figured out and that my healing process was easy and has been dealt with fully. I feel that I might have come off as this “strong woman” that has her act together and no longer struggles with insecurities or the fear that her husband may leave again. I fear that I may have portrayed myself as fake and unreal because the fact of the matter is that I still very much struggle with all of these fears daily and I still have so much more healing to work through. I fear my heart may have been displayed differently than how it is today.

I’m disappointed in myself and in my actions recently. I have been a terrible wife to a husband who has done everything to show me how much he wants me and loves me. In my hurt and anger sometimes, I push him away instead of leaning on him for support. I have failed all those who I talk to on a regular basis about their own issues at home, because I still struggle with most of the same feelings they deal with daily. I feel like a hypocrite! Who am I to tell them to fight for their marriage, when at times I too want to throw my hands up? I’m ashamed because I always talk about “trusting in God” to heal your marriage, yet sometimes I seem to forget my own advice. This person that seems to have it all together is actually in pieces and I’m sorry for portraying it any other way.

These past two weeks have been pretty unbearable for me. I have been sad, hurt, depressed, scared and feeling mentally very alone (only because I have chosen to keep people out) - not good, but a coping mechanism for me. These past two weeks have been filled with hurtful memories of being alone, abandoned, and dates that shoot out at me like a canon to my chest.

Sad memories of a summer romance that some only read about in books (or terribly written romance novels), except this was very real to me and was never a fantasy I ever dreamed of actually watching my husband live out. Memories of driving home from the beach alone thinking my marriage was ending. Painful memories of all my worst fears coming true. Memories…. I wish I could just erase forever from my mind.

I’m mad at myself, frustrated that after all this time I still struggle with the hurt that is still inside me. Trust me, I know. I should be over this by now, right?! I should be in a place of healing where none of this should bother me anymore. I should be completely secure that my life will never ever go through something like this again. Be in a place that I can say I fully forgive “the other woman” after I tried so hard to make her feel welcome and have a friend here, just to have her find a friend in my husband inappropriately (bitter much?). Be in a place that just the mere thought of summer or the month of July doesn’t make me queasy. I should be over this; I want to be over this! Don't I?

Though I didn’t cause these hurts or make the choice to have my husband break my heart, I do have the choice to heal. Even though there is a part of me that is struggling to admit it… I know that the way I have been feeling these past few weeks have been mostly my fault. Unfortunately, I’m beginning to see that some of the issues are just me not wanting to let go. (My Elijah House teacher would be so disappointed.)

I have been wondering to myself why I haven’t been able to get healing in certain places in my life, however the only person holding me back from the healing… is me. I haven’t been going to the Lord enough when I know that’s what I really need to be doing. I’ve been hiding and trying to hold on to my hurt instead of asking Him to help me and bring me through this. Instead I have been sitting in a pool of self pity thinking woe-is-me and eating (nonliteral) bonbons. Maybe that’s why I’ve recently gained 5lbs. Yuck!

How do you get healing by doing that?

You don’t, I don’t! In fact it does the opposite. It sends me further into a depression and makes me angrier at the situation (that I was once hurt terribly by the person I trusted the most) which in turn I like to take out on my husband who doesn’t deserve it because he is proving to me daily that he’s not the person he once was. Not so cool and not so healthy and it isn’t getting our marriage anywhere. He doesn’t like it, I don’t like who I am when I feel that way and the bonbons are pretty terrible on the thighs! Sounds more like self-sabotage than healing. Right?

I’m desperately praying this week will be better than the last. However, we still have one of the hardest dates for me to handle coming up this Thursday. I’ve got to keep telling myself to be positive and I’m trying to keep myself busy and have as much fun with my kiddies as possible! I want to stay accountable to the fact I need to make a change and finally get this healing. I finally got the balls to text my friend and set up a meeting with her to pray about some of this stuff, which is a huge step for me. I also need to remember to start my day with the Lord. For some reason I can’t seem to let go of that last string that is so tightly wrapped around my finger. So if you don’t mind, please keep me in your prayers this week? That would be fantastic!

I hope that you have seen my true heart today, and not that woman who seems to “have it all together.” I am not her. I’m the girl who still has so much healing to walk through and I’m sorry if I ever said anything different. I know I can get to a place of complete healing and to the place that I talked about in my series; and I can’t wait for that day!

Silent Sunday

2011-07-17T09:17:00.000-04:00

We love our Church Softball

Nothing Good To Say.... So Here Are a Few Pictures

2011-07-12T22:40:00.000-04:00

Handsome Hubby on the 4th

My Crazy wonderful 3-year old who thinks "racing" in the funnest thing in the world right now.

And my naked little

Errr... soccer player?

He's too cute, I couldn't help myself....

Hope you all are having a fantastic week!

Never Thought I Would Be A “Cloth Diaper” Mommy

2011-07-11T08:05:00.003-04:00

This weekend I have taken a huge new step as a mommy. I have stepped into new territory and my surroundings are completely foreign. However, I did think it was going to be a lot harder than what has already been thrown my way, but we are still only days into this new way of life… so we’ll see how this next week plays out.
For those who don’t know, I nervously stepped into the world of “cloth diapers” this past Friday. A world that three years ago you wouldn’t have caught me dead in, more likely kicking and screaming and calling all the other mommies who do it crazy. Cloth diapers always seemed to be too much work and way too messy of a process to even consider, because I will be the first to tell you that I’m one lazy momma.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t live in filth and I’m pretty scheduled when it comes to getting things done around the house. My house is very much picked up 5 times a day because there is no way you can keep a house constantly “clean” (unless you are super mom and trust me… I’m not her) with a three year old and a one year old always pulling things out to play with right after you just put it all away. So “clean” is a very non-literal term in this house.

But when it comes to doing laundry, I hate doing it. My wonderful husband can attest to that. For the longest time he would be the one that did laundry for us all. He likes things done a certain way and it didn’t bother him one bit, so he pretty much did all the laundry for most of our married life. However, since I became a SAHM there are things that I felt I needed to start stepping up to, since Jesse is working so very hard for this family.

Laundry is one of those chores I cringe just thinking about. So the thought of adding cloth diapers to my laundry day and adding more washings into the week with diapers… was something I really needed to think long and hard about before jumping in, because Jesse made it very clear that he would NEVER wash diapers.

Switching to cloth diapers was not something I just chose to do overnight. This has been something I have been thinking and praying about for a long time and have spent many hours researching, looking into, and bugging my good friend Rhiana about for the past two months. After doing the research I realized that this was not only going to be beneficial to my child, but this was also going to be extremely beneficial to our wallets in the long run.

For me personally, choosing to do cloth diapers wasn’t about saving the environment or being a good “green” mommy. For me, it was about laying down my own selfishness to make things easier on myself because I knew how much money we were wasting monthly on diapers alone. I DID prayerfully take this to the Lord and I DO believe that God was putting this on my heart because this was something I was asking the Lord to make me more aware of when it came to our finances. I felt like going to cloth diapers was a way for me to contribute to the family and saving a little more money on the side. Ian seems to love it and it’s really not as terrible as I thought it would be.

Though we are in the very early stages of this new way of life, I believe that the choice to do this will benefit us greatly and we'll start seeing our investment of cloth diapers a little more down the road, especially since we plan on having more kids and these diapers will then just be passed down to them.

I know there are millions of reasons why someone should or should not do cloth diapers. In no way is this post about “why you should go to cloth diapers” now, because I honestly don’t think it’s for everyone. I think everyone should do what they are comfortable doing and in my case what I feel the Lord is speaking to my heart to do.

If anyone has good ideas or suggestions, I’m up for hearing them! Again, totally new to this and though I have done a lot of research, I feel I can always learn more from mommas who have been doing this for a while now!

Silent Sunday

2011-07-10T13:26:00.000-04:00

The Baby shower I attended yesterday & the cake I made for it

What I'm loving Wednesday

2011-07-06T07:54:00.003-04:00

I’m linking up with Jamie again at This Kind of Love

For What I’m Loving Wednesday

I'm loving that I made top 10 in The Paper Mama's best shot contest. It's cool that out of 300 people I was in the top 10. However.... I think this will be the last contest I enter for a while.

I'm loving that I got a LONG three day weekend with the hubby. Can't beat that!

I'm loving that after everyone left on Monday night, Jesse and I watched fireworks with just Jayden (because we put Ian down already) in our back yard and spent some quality time with just him watching the pretty colors in the sky and having fun with sparklers. Ahh... my heart melts.

I'm loving my MOPS group at church. Every Tuesday this summer they are meeting at friends houses to swim. What does this mean for me? It means my kids are occupied for about three hours and I get to chi-lax with other mama's and catch up. Love it!

I'm loving that this weekend I got to meet this wonderful couple who read my blog. They came to our house on Fourth of July and we had a blast! Such a sweet couple! This is one of the reasons that I love the blog world soooo much!

I'm loving that the editing on my last wedding is coming along and the pictures are turning out wonderfully. I feel like each wedding only makes me better and I'm so excited about how these are turning out. Here are a few....

I'm loving Rita's Raspberry lemonade so much that I bought a gallon of it! I know... not good for the thighs, but this stuff is the BEST! Holy cow.. ah-maz-ing!

Lastly...

I'm loving the song Suitcases, by Dara Maclean. OH my word! Makes me want to dance, I mean raise my hands and thank God for His new mercies daily! AHHH! Listen to it!!! Learning to be less afraid of what's ahead of me and letting God control that.

I'm Really Writing About Being A SAHM...

2011-07-04T09:00:00.004-04:00

Those who have been following my blog will know, I tend to write very little about my kids and my daily life as a SAHM. Surprisingly it's much easier for me to be honest and write about the hardships in my life and in my marriage and what the Lord is teaching me through everything, than it is to write about my life as a stay at home mom and my oh-so imperfect "mothering skills".
(Insecure much?!)

So... this in itself is a big step for me; which in turn is why I really wanted to do it.

First, I want to thank Karen for choosing me to be a guest blogger today on her "Life of a Stay at Home Mom" series. I'm excited to be part of such a great group of women writing for this series and I hope that you all have gotten a lot out of what she has been doing! I know I sure have!

So if you have a second today on this busy holiday, take a second and go on over there and read more about how I have been blessed enough to be a stay at home mom. This was big for me to write so I hope you all enjoy it! :)

Happy 4th Of JULY!!!!

I MadeTop 30! Now Please Vote!

2011-06-27T15:03:00.003-04:00

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

That's pretty cool that out of 300 people I made the top 30!

Right?!

I can at least say that I got through Round One.

The next round is chosen by all you fantastic people out there...

so if you all don't mind, would you head over and vote for my picture?

That would be totally awesome!

I'm number 5

Always There

2011-06-27T08:14:00.002-04:00

There are certain people in your life that you know will always be there no matter what. Relationships that have had their ups and downs through life... but no matter what, you know they will always be there for you and you will always be there for them. Thing may not have always been perfect, but as you grow and mature, you find these relationships in your life to be more valuable and more life-giving then you ever thought they could be.

I'm lucky to have a few people in my life like this. People who love me for who I am and constantly cheer me on no matter the cost. People who think I'm an important part of their life and that I, too am able to speak life into their life as well. People who see my heart for what it is; whether I'm coming to them as a jumbled emotional mess for help, or whether it's them asking for my advice or counsel. Not that these relationships are ever perfect. We are all human and we tend to fail one another, but... there are those relationship that can last and you know you'll always have that person in your life.

Today, my boys and I are heading up to to Rhode Island for a few days to see one of these people. A woman who astounds me and makes me so proud to be able to call her family. A woman who for so long looked up to me to be her older and wiser cousin; I am now finding myself looking up to her in all she has done to become the best wife, mother and woman of God.

Our relationship has never been perfect. We've had our ups and downs for sure. We didn't always see eye to eye and because we are both so emotional we would tend to hurt one another very easily. We grew up in very different environments, but something that was always taught to both of us is that communication is key. If there was ever a fight our moms would make us sit down and talk about it. I know that sounds weird... but that's how it was done and I think we liked it that way.

We've been through a lot together and have learned along the way. We have matured together and seen the Lord work in our lives together. We have failed each other many times and have left one another questioning why on several occasions. However more so than not, we have been each others' shoulder to cry on.

To this day she still tells me how much she looks up to me, but it's really me who looks up to her. She is the strongest woman I know. I watched her heart break when she miscarried her daughter at 18 weeks and then had to give birth to her. I have seen her fight for her husband and marriage even when all things seemed to be against her. Most recently I have seen her follow God's calling to uproot her family and move hundreds of miles away from the people she loves and cares about, to do what the Lord has called her family to do.

The woman I am spending a few days with this week is not just my cousin. She is my sister in Christ, my friend, MY role model and someone who will always be here. She is an amazing woman of faith and has more wisdom than people give her credit for. Her heart is so pure and so real. She will be the first to say she is wrong when she is wrong. Her pride is hardly ever something that will get in the way, which is more than I can say for myself. She is a woman of strength and endurance and more than ever it is her that I look up to.

I'm looking forward to seeing her and her family this week, and catching up on all the things she can now teach me.

Silent Sunday

2011-06-26T11:08:00.000-04:00

Photo Friday

2011-06-24T07:27:00.000-04:00

Photo Friday

Swing

Seeing The World Through My Lens

2011-06-23T08:08:00.001-04:00

I'm not going to act like I have been taking pictures my entire life or that being a photographer was a dream I had when I was little. Because in all honesty, photography wasn't really anything I thought much about "seriously" until Jesse and I went through our "rough patch". Photography was something I found within myself when I was losing everything else. Photography was an outlet for me to be creative when everything around me was crashing down.

My wonderful cousin sparked an interest in me to take up photography. Even though she is 6 years younger than me she has been a huge inspiration and her work is phenomenal! However, my children are my muses. If I want to try something new, they are the first ones I experiment on. I don't post half of the things I shoot of them... they are just mine to have and keep dear to my heart.

I know for sure this is something I want to do forever. I get such joy and pleasure from taking pictures and capturing people's realness for them to treasure always. Every time I head out to a photo-shoot I never think of it as work. For me it's just fun and I get excited to see what type of personality will come shining though my lens that day. I love getting to meet new people through this and I feel like I can do almost anything when I'm talking about my work.

Whether it's taking pictures of a sexy pregnant belly (I think every pregnant woman is so beautiful except for me), or a fresh newborn just welcomed into the world, these shoots always remind me how important life is and what a gift it truly is.

The thrill of capturing pure joy and love as a couple gets ready to become man and wife. Taking in every aspect of the wedding so they can always remember their special day. There is not much like it.

But by far, my most favorite thing to capture when taking pictures is the rawness of children. I love photographing children! They can be hard at times, yes. But it is so fun and so worth all the wiggling and giggling. I love it.

I know I'll never be a "big time" photographer, and I know there is still so much to learn. But photography makes me feel like I'm good at something, that I can make people's happy memories last forever. The world through my lens isn't always perfect but all that really matters to me is that I have fun doing what I love.

And this is something I love!

Your Best Shot ... of a Child

2011-06-21T08:33:00.002-04:00

I'm totally copying off my sister-in-law because until a few weeks ago, I had never heard of The Paper Mama or any of the awesome things she talks about on her blog. When Katie posted her entry for "Your Best Shot... of a Child" photo contest, I was intrigued.

For some reason I can never get a perfect shot of my own kids. They are always wiggling and recently neither of them ever stay still long enough to get a good shot. However, when thinking about what picture to enter in this contest, I couldn't get the picture I took a few months back of this beautiful 7 month old out of my mind!

So... I thought I would give it a shot. Who knows...
This is my entry...

Happy Tuesday!

Work in Progress

2011-06-20T08:18:00.002-04:00

I don't think any girl is ever really happy with all of who she is. If we have straight hair, we want curly. If we have brown hair we want to be blonde, so on and so forth. I feel like we can be our own worst critics and can do a lot of harm to ourselves at times. For me I have been pretty brutal to myself from a very young age. I don't know where it stems from... I don't know what makes me so insecure, but for some reason I'm not very nice to myself.

I was never told that I was the prettiest or ever considered the most photogenic. I was never the one the boys picked first to hold hands with. For the longest time I was just "one of the boys." I always had trouble making friends. I was never the girl who could get people rolling on the floor laughing (maybe that's why I married a man that did). I have never considered myself smart. In fact, I felt I was so unintelligent that before anyone else could call me stupid, I would normally call myself stupid first. I guess in my mind it would hurt less coming from my mouth than others. All in all, I have always been just an ordinary plain Jane.

I have been an introvert all my life and confrontation is NOT my thing. I would rather "take flight" than "fight." Which is so contradictory from how I handled my husband's affair, so I know I am capable of "fighting." I so wish that I could change my introverted personalty into someone who was more outspoken and less verbally challenged. I could write you an amazing thesis two hours later on how a confrontation affected me, but to come right out and say what hurt me... um... hell no. Not my strong suit.

I know that none of the things written above are very nice or very uplifting in any way and this is certainly something that I have been working very hard to change about myself. I don't like hating things about me. God made me who I am for a reason and there IS something special about that! I can understand that! And thank Him for it. God has been really refining me and showing me that I am capable and there is more to me than meets the eye. However, even with growth, there are still little things about ME that drive me crazy.

I believe that God made me to have my introverted personality for a reason. I believe that my emotional and sensitive side is something to be proud of and not be ashamed of. Two years ago, I wouldn't have told you that. I would have cried and told you how screwed up and overly emotional I was. I would have told you that it was a flaw and how sorry I am for being me. Not so much anymore.

I am still a work in progress and God is still teaching me to be confident in who I am. I will fail others and I will never have this down to a perfect science, but I am learning to accept myself for who I am. I like who I feel I am becoming, and I love what God is doing in my life and in my heart.

Is there something in your life that you don't like, but know it's a gift that needs to be nurtured?

Ian Bray Has a Birthday

2011-06-15T07:17:00.001-04:00

As many of you know, this past Saturday we celebrated Ian's first birthday with so many wonderful friends and family. We all got to come around our little boy and celebrate his first year of life. Looking back now there are some things I wish I had done differently, but the grand scheme of things everything turned out pretty well.

I was praying to God that the rain would hold out and thank God it did! It wasn't too hot. A slight overcast, but just right. However, I also learned that I will never have a party at 11am in the morning. Holy mole, was I on crack?! I didn't get any of the decorations I bought put up in time, and I was in such a crazed state by the time guests showed up at my door. Let's just say I was too chipper but that soon faded away. I've never been so unprepared for a party and it sure looked that way. Oh well, you live and you learn. This is all the decorations I was able to get up...

We had the party in our home so at least I didn't have to pack anything up and get it somewhere. The hubby grilled some fantastic hamburgers and hotdogs and we also had some awesome dessert. I wanted to go light on the desserts so I just borrowed my friend Cara's chocolate fountain and cut up some fruit. I thought it would be something nice, fun and new.

We also had the cake and cupcakes I made. I wanted the illusion of a big cake but not bake a big cake. I must say the cupcakes I made were way too dry (not sure what happened with that), but the cake? Awesome! Was perfect! Too bad most people just had the cupcakes.

After people got some food in their bellies and the kids had run off a little energy, we finally gathered around and sang happy birthday to the birthday boy. I made him a monkey smash cake so that it was more messy when he dove into it (more fun for pictures). However, he didn't really dive into it very quickly. It took him a while to get use to it, but then he started to get the hang of it. Unfortunately by that time he was also completely exhausted so every time he would yawn he would also rub his eyes and get chocolate everywhere.

When that was done we went out back and took a few family photo's that my sister-in-law took of us to remember the day. In fact she took almost all the pictures you see and she did a pretty darn good job! Thank you so much Katie for doing that; I will treasure these pictures forever!

There was no keeping Ian up after that. That boy was tired out and desperately needed a nap so we just waited to open gifts when he woke up. By then everyone was gone except a few family members. I was shocked at all the things he got. This boy will have summer clothes forever! What a blessing!

All in all, it was a spectacular day filled with family, friends, food and fun. I had to step back and really see how blessed we are to be surrounded by so many amazing people in our lives. It may not be a birthday Ian remembers, but his mommy always will!

Ian Bray Yacoe

2011-06-14T07:53:00.003-04:00

I can't believe that a year ago today I delivered my second son, Ian Bray. The fact that my little baby boy turns one today is making me all misty eyed and for some reason I can't seem to keep it together (Yeah, I'm a sap). I can't believe it's been a year already, how fast the time all goes. From this 8lb 5oz tiny peanut to this 23lb amazingly perfect little boy; this year has been more than I could have ever imagined or expected.

We didn't know going in that morning what we were having, even though by the end of the pregnancy Jesse and I both felt that I was having a boy. When I got up that morning I put on a lot of make up because I knew that I wouldn't be pushing at all and gosh darn it, I wanted to look pretty in my pictures with my new child. (OK, so maybe it was a little much, but after our first son and 16 hours of labor I didn't have many great pictures from that experience so I wanted to make up for it.)

I can remember my mom cracking up as she met us at our house to follow us to the hospital. She also didn't let up even while we were waiting to go into the OR. She just thought it was hysterical that I looked like THIS (see below) to have a baby. What do you think?! Too much?!

Born at 8:41am via C-section, 8lbs 5oz, and 20.5"; our little gift from God was finally here to hold. As soon as I saw him I cried. I knew this was the little angel I had been dreaming of for the past 9 months, our little Ian Bray. He was perfect and in an instant I fell madly and deeply in love with him.

It was all very fast, nothing like Jayden's birth. Before I knew it he was out, they sewed me back up and I was out of the OR, going back to my room. Jesse was already there with Ian and taking pictures. After they got me back into my room we spent some one on one time with our new baby boy and then we asked all the amazing family and friends who were waiting to meet him to come in. My most favorite moment was watching Jayden meet his new little brother. He was amazing, so wonderful with his new little brother; (despite the fact that he kept calling him "Emeline" - his 5 week old cousin) even to this day it melts my heart to watch them play with one another. You can read more about that day here!

Ian is a gift that God knew would bring such healing to my soul and to our family as a whole. This year isn't just a celebration of my little boy's life (though that is the most important), but also a reminder of God's faithfulness to our family, marriage and life. This year brought healing to fear of abandonment I had struggled so deeply with. This year reassured my heart that my husband is in fact in love with me and wants this marriage and this family. This year gave me more confidence as a mom; knowing that no matter what I do, God has entrusted ME with these two amazing little boys and that I will do whatever it takes to raise them right in the Lord. There is a lot to celebrate this year.

Today... my little boy turns one. Tear...

Dear Ian,

My precious little love, you mean more to me than you will ever know or understand. Your arrival brought such peace and healing to my soul. Your smiles light up my day and watching you play with your brother melts my heart in a way I can't even explain. You are perfect. Perfectly made by our Heavenly Father and an amazing gift from God. How appropriate since your name means "Gift From God" and that is exactly what you are. And I praise God for this gift daily!

I love my snuggle time with you and see the gentleness in your heart. I love that God heard my prayers when I asked for a little one just like you. I am deeply in love with who you are and who you someday will be. Your heart is pure and I believe God is going to do great and mighty things in and through you.

I pray abundant blessings into your life, my son. I pray that everything you put your mind to will be a success and every dream you dream will become a reality. I believe that God has called you to do great things and I will continue to pray that over you daily. I pray a full and happy life and I pray for the wife you will one day have. I pray for wisdom and a heart that always turns toward God. I pray that you will stand up for what you believe in and speak truth to those who might stand against you. I pray for constant joy in your life and pray against all generational bondage's that may attempt to creep their way in. Be strong in who you are and never doubt your Creator. Let the Lord stand before you and guide you always. Be the man that God has called you to be and never let anyone discourage you from that calling, not even me.

You are so special and such a gift. Know that I will always do my best to parent you and will always love you unconditionally. I will cheer you on and always be honest with you (whether you like it or not). I am not perfect and there will be times I will fail you, and for that I am sorry. But also know that when I fail you, there is always Jesus, who you can run to. I don't have all the answers and I will never claim to, but I will do my best to raise you right and love you with an unfailing love. I am so lucky to be your mommy and I thank God for entrusting me with your life.

I will love you always and forever, my little Ian.

Love,
Mommy

Show Us Your Flip Flops!!!!

2011-06-13T07:14:00.001-04:00

Good morning all!

I've been looking forward to this post for a week now!

So excited to see what everyone got!

I really hope that you all have received your flip flops by now and are loving them as much as I am.
_________________________________________________________________________________

First... I had two partners. I had a second partner (Lindsay) because she was from Canada and some how her name got through on the form even though I limited the swap to just the US. However, I'm glad she could participate! This also showed me that if I ever have a swap again I'm totally making it open to Canada as well.

Moving on...

My first partner was Heather over at Greer's Gossip. She went above and beyond the call of duty here and got me two awesome pairs of flip flops from Gap. She really shouldn't have! It was so fun to get this package and I even wore one of the pairs she got me to my son's first birthday party this past Saturday. Got a lot of compliments on them. So from the bottom of my heart Heather... THANK YOU!

My second partner was Lindsay from A Small Town Kind Of Life. Though we thought we might have some trouble with customs due to the strike that was going on over there, things worked out perfectly! Lindsay sent me these super wonderful and very comfortable Earth Spirit sandals that pretty much will match anything! Thank you so much Lindsay!!

Now it's your turn!

Take a picture of what you got and blog about it.

Then, link up with me here and show us what you got!

(Please make sure to direct link to your post about the swap)

Thanks again for joining us, I think we may have to do this again soon! ;)

Silent Sunday

2011-06-12T08:36:00.001-04:00

Ian's birthday party was wonderful.

I don't have all my pictures yet, but as soon as I do I'll fill you in on the day.

However... you may not see any more pictures of me.

I looked like crap....

Here are a few from yesterday.

COME BACK TOMORROW TO LINK UP AND SHOW YOU FLIP FLOPS OFF!!

Photo Friday

2011-06-10T09:38:00.001-04:00

Photo Friday

Party

These are pictures of my niece's birthday cake and cupcakes from a month ago.

Aren't they cute and classy?!

Since I'm not ready to show any birthday things for Ian's birthday tomorrow I thought I would put this picture up.

Have a great Weekend y'all!

Praying the storms stay away long enough to celebrate Ian's first birthday party tomorrow!!

What I'm loving Wednesday

2011-06-08T07:31:00.001-04:00

I’m linking up with Jamie again at This Kind of Love

For What I’m Loving Wednesday

I don't know why I like this so much... but I'm going with it.

I'm loving that I start my Welbutrin back up today. YAY!!!!! My poor husband has had enough of "Emo Lyryn" and I have been completely depressed, so I think we have had about enough of that. I hate feeling this way... yay for prescribed drugs!

I'm loving that it's summer time! Boy do I LOVE summer! And the fact that me and my boys get to spend days and days having fun at the park.

I'm loving that I finally got my hair highlighted yesterday. Last week I decided that I was going to dye my hair back to it's natural color - oh BOY was I on crack! So yesterday, I got highlights put back into it. Jesse says he likes it... my verdict is still pending (that is why there is no picture up). We'll see... I may go back and get them to add more highlights. The best part to all of this is that I got it done for like $20, so I can't really complain.

I'm loving that my baby boy turns one next week and we are going to have a wonderful celebration for him this Saturday. Let's hope I get everything that needs to get done... done. Let's also hope the weather will hold out, please Jesus!

I'm loving my new thermal cooler that I got from my friend cara's "thirty-one" party last Friday night. I think I may be in love with their bags. The other thing I love about this is that I got this $36 bag for only $20!!!!!!

I'm loving the sandals I got from my partners (yes, I had two... and I'll explain that all on Monday) from my flip flop swap! Has everyone been happy with what they have gotten?! I was so shocked! Thank you Heather and Lindsay! Love them! Come back on Monday to show yours off!!

I'm loving the other SAHM's in my life who make it a million times easier for me to be a stay at home mom. Sometimes it's just hard to be the the only adult during the day. Am I right?! Ok... maybe I am, but without these wonderful ladies I may start pulling my hair out. Loving my friends!

I'm loving that I finally finished painting! Thank God! It was killing me by the end. I'll write more on it later and show you pictures. I just have to finish decorating it first.

I'm loving that no matter what, God is always teaching me and growing me to be a better wife, mommy, friend and person. I am reminded daily that I fall short, but no matter what, He always let's me know how loved and accepted I am. Even when I feel alone or don't always understand why things are the way they are, God has a plan and a purpose for me. I need to keep my eyes on that. I LOVE walking with my Savior!

Please forgive me, I have been reading blogs but I haven't been commenting; trying to get ready for Ian's birthday party Saturday. Hope you all are having a great week so far!

Love's Not Easy, But It's Worth It

2011-06-06T07:24:00.003-04:00

I hate to admit it, but I really think I was one of those girls who thought it would be easy being married to the love of my life. We had been together since we were fifteen. I knew Jesse inside and out and I had seen him at his worst. My 21 year old self (I do NOT regret getting married young) thought this would just be a fun, new adventure in our "happily ever after" life. I was in love with him... there wasn't anything else we needed other than love, right?!

Love is amazing. It has the power to fill you up and complete you. It has a way of making your bad days sometimes disappear. Love brings joy to your life and makes you feel needed and accepted. Love is an adventure that keeps you on your toes. Love is life-giving and breathes destiny. Love is a wonderful thing to have and never something to be taken for granted.

Love also isn't always as simple as books and movies like to show you. Love doesn't always mean you'll have your picture-perfect family or that you'll get everything you ever wanted in life. Love takes sacrifice and a laying down of your pride. Love can leave you in tears because, those closest to you can cut you the deepest. Love isn't always as easy as we think.

I think we can sometimes forget that there are hard parts to love as well. I believe it's only human nature for us to not want to think about what bad times may come our way, when we are all "young and in love." Who wants to think about stumbling blocks in a marriage when you are planning your wedding?! I sure didn't. If anything I wanted to make sure I looked like I was more in love than ever so people wouldn't be asking me "are you sure you are ready to get married?"

Note - I'm not saying everyone thinks this way or went into marriage blindly. I know that there are people who went into marriage knowing what they were getting themselves into. Knowing that some days will be good and some might be bad. That's awesome if you had everything in perspective when you got married. I'm just talking about things we might forget sometimes, even people who have been married for years with an awesome marriage. Am I the only one who wants to not think about life being hard?

Though I thought we had things figured out, I knew things wouldn't always be picture perfect in our marriage. I had a hard time "dying to myself" when it came to loving Jesse. I still struggle with being selfish when it comes to our marriage. It's something God continues to work on with me daily. We don't always see eye to eye, like the fact that I don't fold his clothes a certain way and I'm pretty sure I never will. Things that ALL couples will go through in their marriage at some period in time.

However, I never thought I would ever get to a point in my marriage when I wished that I didn't love Jesse anymore. I can remember telling my mom soon after the affair came out, how much I wished I didn't love Jesse anymore. How much easier it would be to just let him go and get over all the hurt he just put me through. How I wished at that time that love just didn't exist in my heart for him.

Even though I desperately wanted the pain to go away I knew it wasn't possible. The reason my heart was broken was because I DID love him so much and the love I had for him had a knife plunged through the center of it. It was hard to handle and very painful to clean up, but that same love (along with the heavenly Father) is also what put us back together.

This past March one of my favorite artists, Francesca Battistelli, came out with her new CD "Hundred More Years." On this CD is an amazing song called Worth it. This song spoke to my spirit in an instant. It was so refreshing to hear the two sides to love. The love that captivates you and the love that can bring you to tears.

I loved it so much that I even sent this song to a few close blog friends of mine that I knew could really feel comfort by the words she sang. I mean... Heck, I EVEN needed to hear it daily towards the end of the series we just finished! I believe we all need reminding that though love is not always easy, it is completely worth it!

Though I fully believe Jesse and I are on our way to our happily ever after; we are still young and figuring out this little thing called love and marriage. I believe that we will be learning until the day we die. Learning that each day brings joy, but there can be unexpected days of sadness and disappointment.

Does it mean that we love one another less? No, it just means we are going through the growing pains of love. And for us... that's completely worth it.

Silent Sunday

2011-06-05T11:42:00.000-04:00

This week I made a pretty birthday cake for an old friend

This is her daughters first birthday, so I made a smash cake for her too!

Like?!

We also had a good time this weekend at a festival that I've been going to since I was like...12!

It's fun to see my kids having fun years later!

Photo Friday - Send OUT SWAP PACKAGES

2011-06-03T07:58:00.000-04:00

Looking In

Send out SWAP packages today!!!!

Come back Monday June 13th to link back up with me and tell me what you got!!!

It's Not Who I Am... It's What I Have... Let's Get Real

2011-06-01T07:24:00.001-04:00

As a Christian it has always been hard for me to talk about the medications that I'm on. I don't like admitting that I have "issues" that I must deal with medically. I don't like thinking that it's hard for me to control my emotions at times because for me... it's beyond hard. I don't like that this has been a constant battle in my life; something that I have prayed through over and over again for the Lord to take away, yet I still have these issues. I don't like that some people think it's something my parents spoke over me or something I spoke over myself, because this is something I REALLY don't want. I don't like that I have done SO much to overcome this yet it always seems to have the upper hand in my life.

I feel misunderstood, because people just don't "get it." I feel angry, because it's painfully hard for me to express myself at times the way I so desperately need to. I feel like a crappy Christian, because if I just had enough faith... God might have taken this away from me. I feel weak, because I'm just not a strong enough person to handle a few chemical imbalances and be done with them already. Just one more thing to add to my ever-growing list of insecurities. Do I need anymore?!

For a long time, I kept the fact that I am on medication for depression and ADD a secret. I'm pretty sure people knew, but I was just too scared of what people would think. I felt like if people knew that I was medicating myself, then I didn't have enough faith to over come it. I didn't just "assume" this. I had several people give me their opinions on antidepressants and how they thought I shouldn't be on them. I have had people tell me that all I need to do is pray through it and Jesus would take it all away. Of course I think He is capable of it... (Who am I to limit God) but does He always do it? I don't think He does. So what am I supposed to do?!

I can remember 6 months after having Jayden. I was not myself; I was not being honest with myself, my God, my work, with anything! I was silently struggling with postpartum because I didn't want to appear like I was depressed about my new baby. My life was out of control and AT THAT TIME my marriage life was falling apart. I was DEPRESSED!

I can remember a person in my life sitting me down and telling me that the reason I was depressed was because I was believing the lies of depression and bipolar disorder that my mom was speaking over me.

Yea. That is what I was afraid of. Right there... that moment.

People thinking they know what they are talking about, but really have no idea.

You see... my family has a history of bi-polar disorder. My grandfather (someone I was very close to) killed himself in April 1994 after a life-long battle with bi-polar disorder. I BELIEVE that chemical imbalances can be hereditary and so does my mom. I believe that when she spoke up about depression in our family, her heart's intent was only to protect us and make us aware.

My mom had no influence on me having a baby and then struggling with postpartum. My mom had no sway in how my marriage was or what my husband was doing on the side. My mom always taught me to be honest with everyone and myself, yet I was wearing a mask every single day!

I never once thought my mom spoke depression over me. If anything, all she did was make us aware of it so we could take care of it if there was ever a problem. She never wanted to see her children go through what she grew up with, when it came to her father. I feel like I always understood my mom's heart in that. She even got a Master's Degree in Counseling because she wanted to help people who suffered as her father had.

Others... not always so much.

Needless to say, I'm still far from healed. I'm tired of hiding from it. I am a Christian who takes mood-altering drugs, and it works for me. It's not that I don't believe I can be healed, because I do believe I can be and until that day I will be praying for that! I guess it's just not God's timing.

Last week I made the choice to stop taking my Wellbutrin. I thought I would be ok. I thought things would be just fine. Oh boy, was I wrong. Can we say that Lyryn went PSYCHO!?!? I have an appointment with the doctor this week so hopefully things will be getting back to normal soon. For now... I'll just stay away from people. lol.

Thanks for hearing my heart! This is me... take it or leave it. All I know is that Jesus loves this emotional ball of goop and as long as I have Him... I can do ALL things. Thank you all for your sweet comments last week! You blessed me!!

Hope you all are having a fantastic week!

YOU HAVE TILL FRIDAY TO SEND OUT YOUR SWAP PACKAGES!!!

We Are Getting Ready

2011-05-31T08:17:00.003-04:00

In two weeks my little guy turns one. Can you believe it?! I can’t believe how fast a year has gone by, but alas… the time is finally here to start planning his first birthday party.

I like party planning and I’m enjoying planning Ian’s first birthday and I have some good ideas up in this noggin of mine at times, and making my kid's parties fun is something I love doing. I think it’s exciting and I love putting things together to make something awesome happen. However, I must admit that I do find more fun in planning parties for older kids. I like planning games, crafts and stations of all sorts for kids to have fun at.

Is that weird of me?!

I’m certainly doing my best to make Ian’s first birthday something to remember (for me at least), seeing that first birthdays are almost always for the mommy. I hate when people say that. I know it’s so true though, because I know Ian will never remember it. But just like Jayden’s first birthday, I will have the guests write a blessing to Ian so that one day he can read them. I think that is very special and something he will someday really appreciate.

I have been thinking about this for a while now.

Jesse and I have been calling Ian “our little monkey” since he was born so we thought it would be appropriate to have a "little monkey" themed birthday party for him! Yay!

I made this invitation and just printed it out at Walmart. I thought it was cute and it was pretty darn cheap. I think all together I paid less than $10 for these invites. Not too bad!

I have been picking up a lot of great ideas from friends and Pinterest. I’m not going to lay it all out for you now… because what would be the fun in that?

We haven’t had a huge party here in a while, so I wanted to make sure our home was presentable when we had the party. Jesse has been busting his butt in our yard trying to get that all prettied up and I decided to go nuts and repaint my whole first floor. I’m still in the middle of finishing that so I’ll just show you my kitchen for now.

Before ...

After...

I LOVE IT!

I’m so excited about it!!! What do you think?!

A blog friend, Jessica emailed me this week to say she wanted to make me these blocks for Ian. I was so excited!!! She made them in a DAY and then emailed me this photo of them.

Are they not perfect?! I just love them. I told her she needed to open a shop now. I mean, for real. Are they not adorable?! I can’t wait to put them out at his birthday party! Thank you Jessica!

So… that is what we have been doing this past week and will be doing the next two weeks until the party. Hoping it will be a nice day so we can be outside most of the time, but around here… it’s been miserably hot, so who knows.

Hope you all had a great Memorial Day weekend!

What did you do?!

SWAP NEWS

2011-05-30T10:11:00.001-04:00

Hope you all are having a fantastic Memorial Day weekend!!!

Just wanted to make sure everyone has their swap partner's information and has heard from their partner.

If not... let me know ASAP so I can contact them myself!

You have till the end of the week to mail out your flip flops,

But I'll be sure to put a reminder out there for ya!

Enjoy the rest of this fabulous weekend!!!

Silent Sunday - Video!

2011-05-29T07:58:00.002-04:00

My baby boy started walking this week!!!

For me... this was huge!

I know that I have been through this before, but this time it was different.

I even cried.

Here he is...

(Don't mind the mommy screeches)

Blah Days - Swap Information

2011-05-26T08:07:00.002-04:00

Ever have those days when you just want to stay in bed all day and cry?

Well, that's me today.

Doesn't help that it's "that" time of the month... (TMI?)

I feel like just crying all day.

Hiding under the covers until my husband gets home...

Why do I let things get to me?

Why am I so FREAKING emotional?

Here you go guys... The real Lyryn.

A reason why people DON'T like to be around me...

I'm too sensitive.

too needy?!

and the girl who will cry at the drop of a hat.

Drama?!

Anyhow, instead of going on about this I am just going to post a few more pictures from vacation of my little handsome boys who do bring a smile to my face on days like this.

Thank you Jesus for my blessings.

Oh, they make me happy!!!!

I feel a little less like crying now!

YOU SHOULD HAVE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM ME ON MONDAY ABOUT YOUR SWAP PARTNER.

IF YOU DID NOT GET AN EMAIL, PLEASE CONTACT ME RIGHT AWAY TO LET ME KNOW!!!!

What I’m Loving Wednesday!

2011-05-25T07:18:00.005-04:00

I don’t normally link up on things like this…

But I thought it would be a fun, easy thing to do this Wednesday.

So I’m linking up with Jamie at This Kind of Love

For What I’m loving Wednesday

I’m loving that I have a husband who will let me sleep in (because he knows it’s something I love) and will take the kiddos just because he loves me. I’m LOVING him for thinking about me and doing that all last week on vacation!!! It was such a gift and he blessed me!

I’m loving MaryKay Ultimate Mascara! I never loved a mascara so much in my life and it’s the best. And no…. I’m not a consultant. ;)

I’m loving that my boys have been great all this week since we got home from vacation. It’s made it easy to get all the laundry done and get the house in order.

I’m loving that so many people signed up for my swap and I’m super excited to see what everyone gets!

I’m loving that it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be to organize the swap… Had a few bumps in the road the first day, but since then it has been very easy to manage and organize. (I hope I didn’t just jinx that)

I’m loving that memorial day is this weekend not just because I will have my husband home for a three day weekend (which I love), but also for the fact that our favorite park will have their sprinklers on for the kids to play in. We will be there most of the summer!

I'm loving my new Tuffo Water-Resistant Outdoor Blanket!!!! LOVE IT! Also loving that I paid hardly anything for it, thanks to a gift card ;)

I’m loving how blessed I am to have such a wonderful, hard working husband who makes it possible for me to be a stay at home mom and do fun things with them all summer.

I'm loving that my husband is having such a great time playing softball for the church league and that the boys and I can go to cheer him on every week!

I’m loving all the amazing ladies out there that speak into my life daily. I’m loving the new friendships I’ve made this past year and all the fellow moms who encourage me and remind me that I’m doing a good job. For so long I thought I didn’t have any friends, but I was so wrong. I am so BLESSED!!!

Lastly…

(I don’t normally talk about my weight on here but I'm pretty proud of myself)

I’m loving that I have lost all my baby weight! Last summer I was 171 and this summer I am back down to 132. I'm loving that I fit into my swim suit from two summers ago. I still have lots of toning to go to get my abs back… but a good friend of mine has given me some amazing exercises to help my diastasis recti (the separation of my abdomen muscles). It’s working… because I have a two pack now!

(Sorry, I wish I had a before and after picture...
from last year to this year. But I just hated how I looked last year so...
this is what you get.)

Reliving a Mountain

2011-05-24T07:40:00.003-04:00

Have you ever reached a mountain in your life that you thought you could never overcome? I think we have all been there. Of course the size of the "mountain" is different for each person, but we all experience them, right? What about reliving that mountain? That’s no fun… no fun at all.

Last month’s series was such an eye opening experience for Jesse and me. I emotionally relived a lot of what happened three years ago and at times it took me right back to that once insecure girl standing before this huge mountain I thought I would never be able to get over. I sure did second guess myself a lot last month, questioning if the whole series was a good idea or not.

There were days I felt encouraged and supported, days when I felt I was doing good in the world and that my story was something special to be told. There were days of excitement when I would get an email from a couple telling me that they now see hope for their own marriage. There were many days I felt fulfilled, like this is what I wanted to do with my life and could see a ministry taking form. I felt like I was doing what God called me to do!

But even though I believed we were being obedient to what God had called us to write about, things weren’t going to be that easy either. Being the emotional chickie that I am… the month took quite an emotional toll on me. There were days where I felt like a failure and that no one really gave two hoots about what I was writing. There were days I treated my husband like he was still the man he had been three years ago. There were days that I just stayed at home and cried. There were days I was staring that mountain down, wondering what the heck I was thinking by even opening myself up like this!

I told people when we started this series that if only one couple got something out of “Our Love Redeeming” series it would be worth every bit of what we went through. To know that another couple is fighting to keep their marriage alive because they saw what God did in our marriage… that makes it all worth it! Since the series began we have had tons of emails saying just that. So when I count the cost it was worth facing this mountain head on, once again.

Though this process was an emotional roller coaster for me, I can say that God did have His hand on us through this whole month. He continued to show Himself even greater through our life and our marriage. There were a number of posts that were super hard for me to relive, some emotions and memories, but more often than not it was more healing to my soul then it was harmful. There were things I had chosen to just bury instead of facing them and find healing. This series forced me to face that mountain head on and come to a place of healing that I so desperately needed. And for that I am thankful!!!

We both also wanted to make sure that everyone had their questions answered this past month. Did we miss anyone’s question? Let us know, because we are still open to talking about this. Again, we both want to thank everyone who supported us last month; your support was a huge blessing.

This journey is still being written, but the mountain is finally behind us.

Vacation 2011

2011-05-23T07:17:00.003-04:00

We had a wonderful vacation this year! The weather wasn’t the best, but we made it work. We had fun being together enjoying each others company. It was also fantastic to see the kids playing with one another. Can’t wait until there are even more of them!!! (I know… I’m crazy)

Our family headed out around 3:30am last week and made it to our beach house around 11am. It was great getting in there early and feeling less like our day was wasted by just driving. That was nice. When we got there, we noticed a lot of things were not very well put together and that the house wasn’t even ready for renters. Electronics weren’t hooked up right, beds were not made properly, things were broken and it just seemed like no one stepped into that place since last year.

This was unacceptable, so early Monday morning my mom, Brent and my husband walked themselves into the beach rental place and requested that we get our pool headed. (Yes, that’s all we wanted. We just wanted out kiddies to swim without shivering every 5 minutes, that’s all) So, when they went in there the rental company felt so bad they immediately agreed to put on the heat for free (To heat the pool for a week was $400 extra) but then came to find out that there was no heating system for the pool and they felt even more terrible so they upgraded us to another beach house which was a million times better…. See…

Score!

All in all, we had a great week. I just got done editing my pictures from that week so I would rather just give you a look into the week than really writing about it. You can also go to my sister-in-laws blog and read about vacation and see her awesome pictures as well.

Is that ok?!
Ok… Here they are!

Have a great Monday!

Silent Sunday

2011-05-22T08:20:00.000-04:00

Great week at the beach!

Hope you all had a great weekend!

Photo Friday

2011-05-20T09:16:00.002-04:00

Photo Friday

Anger

Ian... not thrilled...

ALSO, TODAY IS THE LAST DAY TO SIGN UP FOR THE SWAP...

SO GO DO IT!!!!

A Blog Friendship Is So Much More

2011-05-18T07:23:00.001-04:00

Since I'm on vacation this week and really didn't want to have to think much, my good friend Cara said that she would be more than happy to be a guest blogger for today. How nice, right?! I thought it would be appropriate since the way we met was through the blog world....

I'll let her tell you the story.

_______________________________________________________________

Do you ever read some blogs and think,

"Man I so wish I knew this person in real life?

I just know we would be like BBFF"

(you know Best Blog Friends Forever)

No? Just me?

The blog world is funny like that you know?

You read and read and read

and feel like you really know the person who's blog you are reading.

And then as you read, you start to get immersed in their life.

Like when you read about their kids...and what they wore today...and what they ate or what they cooked today...and their friends...and their family...and then it starts getting juicy...like when they write about their husband...and how God redeemed their marriage after an affair.

You start to feel like you really know them.

Like really know them.

They share their raw self, are completely honest about their flaws,

and it makes you realize, nobody is perfect...

it makes you love the other person and their writing even more for their honesty.

When I started blog reading a little over 2 years ago,

one of the first blogs I added to my reader was Breaking Through.

I read it daily and I even remember at one point reading it out loud to Kenny.

Specifically post like this, and this, and this (I could go on and on with favorite posts of mine...if you are a new follower to Breaking Through, I encourage you to go back and read some of Lyryn's posts from years past...they are all truly amazing!).

The words hit me to the core...that someone could be so genuine and put it all out there for all of the world to read...and learn from.

Reading Breaking Through was like therapy for my soul.

I loved how each post was a lesson,

and as I read, I felt like I was learning the same lessons that Lyryn was learning as she wrote.

She ended almost every single post with an open ended question not just to her readers,

but to herself.

And I loved that about her and her writing style.

As I read more and more, I started noticing different places she would write about.

Pictures that looked insanely familiar.

Landmarks that seemed too coincidental.

This is when the "stalking" began.

I began fervently clicking around on her blog, trying to tie bits and pieces together.

I was determined to find out where she lived because I was convinced that she lived near me. How lucky am I, I thought??!

Finally, I mustered up enough courage to send her a friend request on facebook.

Remember I was new to this whole blogger thing.

Looking back I am like Duh, why didn't I just email her? Anyway, so I reached out to her in the most "non-stalker" way I possibly could.

Her response was nothing but genuine and I knew from that moment that I had found a new friend that I would connect with on so many levels. Here was her facebook response to my message:

Hi Cara!

Nice to meet you, I love meeting new people! Well isn’t God just amazing?! He puts people in our path in such silly ways! A blog?!

No… I don’t get that a lot, but I do get comments from amazing people like you here and there; which totally encourage me to keep doing what I’m doing! It just goes to show I’m headed on the right path… right?!

My theory on my blog is that I want people to know and understand that no ones life is PERFECT and it’s ok to struggle!!!! Hey… look at my life!!!!! My heart is to help others who have been through hard times and show them that God is totally faithful in everyway. Marriage, family life, work, everything in life will never works out the way we always want it too… and for the people who read my blog, I want them to feel like they aren’t alone in thinking this world sometimes doesn’t seem fair. Ya know?! The truth!

I’m glad that my words touched your heart and I hope they have planted something in you. Thanks for coming out and letting me know, because it truly blessed me! Do you have a blog?! I would love to start following you.

Again… I’m glad you found me and hope I have encouraged you through my blog! Ha… stalker-like, I don’t think so. You totally have the spirit of an encourager… not a stalker!!! Hope to talk to you soon!!

Lyr

From there, the emails began and they never stopped.

We connected pretty much instantly and I felt this comfort in our friendship that I had never felt before with any of my friends.

For the first time, I had a friendship with someone where I felt we were truly "there" for each other...

I needed her just as much as she needed me and I felt an overwhelming sense of security when I was with Lyryn.

I felt like I understood Lyryn and she understood me!

And in a weird way, I felt like we each brought strengths and weaknesses to our friendship.

Where I was strong, she was weak...and where I was weak, she was strong!

So for us, it is such a perfect match. We lift each other up and encourage each other.

We give each other the tough love...

and while sometimes it is not what we WANT to hear...we both have an understanding and know...it is what we NEED to hear at times!

We allow each other to complain or vent...but then always help one another to grow!

Over the course of the last two years, we have laughed, cried, yelled, written, and prayed with each other.

FYI. this is totally not where I intended this post to go....but we will go with it because it feels right. And how could I NOT mention all of these things when writing about how I met Lyryn and what our friendship is like? Cause it is just that awesome (to me anyway)

See you just never know who you will find in the blog world!

And if you are as lucky as me, that person may just live 10 minutes away from you! I thank this little thing called the internet and blogger all the time because without it (and God), who knows if I would have ever met Lyryn.

Although I truly believe God would have found a way for me and my kindred spirit to meet....a little help from the ol' blogger doesn't hurt right?

I guess where I am going with this is I encourage everyone to connect with your bloggy friends!

Reach out to them if you feel moved by something they write, let them know you care...or offer up some advice or words of encouragement if they write something you can relate to or feel moved to do so. You just never know what can come out of those types of friendships!

And just as a little pitch for our fun swap...

if you don't know where to start or are having a hard time reaching out and connecting with other bloggers, a swap is the PERFECT way to start!

Get to know one another

because maybe just maybe...

your.favorite.blogger.lives.10miles.from.you!!!

Cara

http://.onlybelieve1.blogspot.com

Good Things

2011-05-17T09:17:00.001-04:00

Hope you all are having a fantastic week so far!

Just stopping in quickly to say HI!

We are having a fabulous time on vacation.

There were a few problems with our first beach house

(don't want to get into it now... leave that for another post)

So the realty company upgraded us to this beautiful place.

Like?!

I DO!

Things have been good here.

Kids are getting a long and having a blast with one another

Tomorrow we get to use the new HeAtEd pool!

(Yay, the munchkins will be able to go in now)

That's all I'm going to say about it for now.

Just going to leave you with a few pictures of the kids.

(Taken by Aunt Katie because I'm to lazy to get my camera out)

I know... terrible.

Maybe I'll break it out today.

Have a great day and don't forget out about the swap!

Photo Friday

2011-05-13T07:52:00.001-04:00

Friday Photo: Up

And... He's Up!

Get it?!

Mother’s Day 2011

2011-05-11T07:49:00.002-04:00

As most of you all know, I’m always a little nervous about Mother’s Day because it reminds me of my first. I tend to always have high expectations, which ultimately leave me feeling disappointed. Most of the time the expectations are way too high. Surprisingly this year I didn’t even think about my first Mother’s day, which is a first!! I think writing about it a few weeks back allowed me to release some of those hurt feelings and finally get some healing, so yay! It was a day I could thoroughly enjoy!

This year, all I really wanted for Mother’s Day was a long nap. Well, I didn’t get that. But I did get TONS of the cutest cards and a beautiful bouquet of flowers from the Hubs. Oh my heart melts. I love cards from my boys! I felt loved!!

Last years Mother's Day I was still pregnant with Ian and a little nervous about what the future would hold. This year I just reflected on the blessings I had before me. How lucky I am to have a husband who works hard to support his family so I can stay home and raise our children. How blessed I am to have the two most amazing little boys in my life.

I also was reminded of God's faithfulness to this family. Not only do I have my fire ball Jayden, but I also have my cuddle-bum Ian this year. This little boy would not be here today if Jesse and I didn’t choose to fight for our marriage. He is proof that God did have a plan and for that I’m truly thankful this year!

I also wanted to honor to amazing ladies in my life.

The first, of course is my mommy. The most wonderful woman that showed me how to love my kids with all that I am. The lady I call when I feel at my wits end (with my kids) and feel like I just can’t do it anymore. The most wonderful friend I could ever ask for; one that will always have my back no matter what. I want to be just like her! Sure, she isn’t always perfect but, she is perfect for me. She never lets me stop dreaming and I’m pretty sure she is my biggest fan. She has inspired me to write and keep writing. She has inspired me to be the best mom for my kids. She is everything I could have ever asked for in a mom and I’m so blessed to have her. I’m one lucky girl!

The other special lady is my sweet and precious Mommy-in-love. I’m the world’s luckiest woman to have such an amazing mother-in-law. Not everyone can say that! I love that I can tell her anything and feel so comfortable doing it. I love that I can share my heart with her and she will encourage me and build me up. She is an inspiration and a true example of what a stay at home mom should look like. I love that she is the best cheerleader for her kids and how she will make it to almost every one of Jesse’s games even now when he is almost 30. She has shown me what it’s like to be a faithful wife and mother. She has given me hope that love is can be real and unconditional. She is the best mother-in-law in the world!

I AM BLESSED

I hope all you mommies out there had a fantastic Mother’s day! Anyone do anything super special?

Also Remember to sign up for the Swap!

Just Putting it Out There again....

2011-05-10T11:08:00.000-04:00

Sign up for the swap!

The more, the better!!!

Tell your friends!!!

Swap!

2011-05-09T13:01:00.003-04:00

Sorry about this mornings technical difficulties with the form!

Please go back now and fill it out.

Filling out the form on your phone may cause problems with your entry, so please try to fill out the form on a desktop computer.

Thank you again!!!

Who Wants To Do a Swap? A Flip Flop Swap!

2011-05-09T07:56:00.026-04:00

No I'm not pregnant!

(I realized people might have though that on Friday since I said I had some news. My bad, I knew that I may have confused a few people; even some in my own family!)

However, I am super excited to do my very first swap!

A FLIP FLOP SWAP!

About a month ago when I started our Love Redeeming series, I was having dinner with my dear friend Cara and was telling her that after the series was over I wanted to do something on my blog to take my mind off of everything I had been writing this past month.

So as we were talking I mentioned that I wanted to do a swap of some sort and with her cute little self she excitedly blurted out "What about a Flip Flop Swap"! Cara not only helped me come up with this brilliant idea, she also has loving stepped up to help me with it as well, so we'll be doing this together! YAY!

Of course, I thought that this was absolutely perfect! How wonderful, and just in time for summer!!! I am a LOVER of flip flops, I have even been known to wear them in the winter! So lets start the summer out right by getting an awesome new pair of flops from a fellow blogger!

Here is how it works...

1. Become a follower
(if you're not already)

2. Fill out the form below and submit! - The form does not seem to work if you fill it out on your phone. I'm not sure why that is the case, but when you sign up, do it from your computer.
Deadline is May 20th

3. Sign in with Mr.Linky below :)

4. Grab the flip flop swap button below, and tell your friends / fellow bloggers about this summery swap! Blog about it, tweet or facebook about it. Even put the button on your side bar! The more people we have the better!

After May 20th

1. On May 25th you will get an email from me giving you information on your swap partner. Get to know your partner by going to their blog and emailing one another. Who doesn't like meeting new people in blog land?!

2. Go shopping to find the best flip flops around! I have looked and you can find some really fantastic flip flops for pretty cheap.
(Remember that this is fun, and you can find great flip flops anywhere from $10 - $20 almost anywhere)

3. Mail out your swap package by May 30th.

4. When you get your flip flops, blog about it! Give a shout out to your partner and show them off for us all to see. Also - come back to my blog on June 6th to link back up and tell others what you got in the swap.

Thanks again for your support last month! What an awesome community of friends I have made on this blog. Hopefully this swap will give you all a chance to get to know one another.

THE SWAP IS CLOSED!!!

Silent Sunday

2011-05-08T13:18:00.001-04:00

The Birthday Girl

Me and the Birthday Girl

The Birthday Girl and all her Cousins

Redeemable Sin, Redeeming Love

2011-05-06T07:30:00.002-04:00

Jesse

I married my wife because I liked her and because I loved her. During the affair I convinced myself that I had never felt either way or if I had it wasn't something that was meant to last. It's this lie that many people tell themselves as they enter into an affair. I don't think there is any cut and dry way to help remind a person struggling with these questions, but they are often at the center of a person's struggle to recapture the feelings they think are missing.

One thing that I take away from this part of our story, is that even while things deteriorated while I was unfaithful, Lyryn's faithfulness to our marriage was increased. If her attitude had become as poor as mine I'm not sure that we would have ever made it to recovery. This was only possible because of how much time she spent pressing into God's word, building up her spirit with worship music and seeking fellowship with friends who would built her up.

The first year after the affair was a struggle for both of us, but in very different ways. I struggled with letting go of the decisions that I had made and the lies that I had convinced myself were true. Lyryn was not very easy to love during the first year of our recovery, so I had to pull out a wildcard from my past to help me cope.

I ran cross-country in high school (if I may brag a bit, I was the 5th man on our team when we won the sate championship) and was reminded of the physical pain of the hard workouts and how the beginning of the season brought cramps and soreness. Remembering that the only way to overcome those obstacles was to press on and push through them, I knew that I must press into my wife and "gut out" the real tough stuff, because it would pass.

Every night I ask Jayden if he wants to pray for anything specific. More recently I've been encouraging him to pray himself. I don't know where he learned it, because it wasn't from Lyryn or I, but recently he's started praying, "God is good, God is great..." I realize that this is a pretty common opening part of a prayer, but despite being so simple it maintains such a powerful truth. Too often we try to take on the world, all with our own strength. This is a futile effort. It takes humility to admit that we can't do something all on our own, but it's in that submission that God can truly transform your life.

Lyryn

As I sit here reflecting on this past month and how much of our “business” is now out there for the whole world to see, I can’t help but still feel humbled that God was so faithful to restore my marriage when so many others have been lost.

I never once thought I would be in the place I am today. I thought that my suffering and hurt would last a lifetime and I would never get over what Jesse did. I never thought I would ever be ready to share our story or relive it as I did when writing this. I never thought that I would fall even more in love with the man who broke my heart. I never thought my marriage could ever be redeemed and the fact that it is, I’m beyond blessed and grateful.

After the first year of hashing everything out and getting to the root of many of our issues, I can honestly say that our relationship started to really change in amazing ways. We started to fall for one another again and found a new appreciation for what the other person meant to us. We realized how much we love and enjoyed one another's company and how much fun we had just being together.

For our 6th wedding anniversary Jesse surprised me by taking me to New York City to see it all lit up for Christmas. This is something my husband never did before and for a man that only a year year ago told me that he thought we were never friends this was absolutely amazing. It was magical and so romantic! He was so cute and had everything planned out perfectly. He was like a little school boy when he told me what was planned. I hadn’t seen him so excited like that since high school, more importantly I knew he wanted to be there with ME! We spent the day walking, talking and laughing. Though my UGG’s started to leak and it was painfully bitter cold, I enjoyed every moment we spent together.

The more we shared our life together and opened our hearts to one another each day, the more and more we fell back in love with each another. I’ve grown to trust him fully with my heart again. He has proven time and time again how much he wants me and this marriage.

When I wanted to give up, he kept pressing-in to prove that he was here for the long haul. Our friendship is better than ever, our love is more intimate than ever and our marriage is the best it has ever been. I have no doubt in my spirit that he is completely devoted to me and this family and it’s all because of God’s promise and love for our covenant.

For our 7th anniversary this past December, Jesse was so confident in our love and commitment towards one another that he got this amazing tattoo on his ribs proclaiming that God made me for him and him for me. The tattoo is a paraphrase of Genesis 2:23, it says, “Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, from this man I make woman.” And below that verse lays my name in Hebrew.

There was a time in our life when my husband rejected me, disliked me, and believed that he wanted nothing to do with me. But here we are today, more in love than ever before, because we chose to trust God and allow Him to work in our lives to better us and our family. I can stand before you today and tell you that you can live a happy life after infidelity.

I can stand before you now and say; yes it’s possible to love the person who once betrayed you. I can stand before you today and tell you that it was worth every tear and heartbreak to be where I am today. After everything we have gone through, we are still soaking up the wonderfulness of the heavenly Father's promises. And we know there is still so much more to come.

As this series comes to a close today we want to thank all of you that have joined us on this journey. You have been a blessing, encouragement and support to both Jesse and I. I am amazed at how far God has brought us and I am thrilled about the future that God has planed for us - Jeremiah 29:11. This has been a long road to walk down, but hopefully you have seen the awesome work of the Father and just maybe, we have inspired a few couples out there to give all they’ve got to their marriage.

Through this series, I have been so grateful to have met some amazing young ladies out there that have just blessed my socks off by working so hard at restoring their marriage. I will forever have a friendship with these women. God has closed doors that needed to finally be closed and opened new ones that breathe life into my soul.

Our hearts are to be a continuous support to all couples out there struggling with life's daily battles and (God willing) make this a full-time ministry for us. My dream is to one day write for Shannon Ethridge and then possibly write a book that will touch thousands. My heart is to bring glory to the God that taught me the meaning of redeeming love and what it means to be faithful even when someone has not been faithful to you. I'm so unworthy of what God has given me, but thankful His redeeming love for me is always constant.

Our story is far from over, this journey has just begun. This series was only a little piece of our hearts, but we still have so much more to say. This will not be the last thing we write about this subject, instead it is the start of digging deeper into it. We are still taking questions and we'll be answering them from time to time. Believe it or not I also have many more posts about this I never even published so I'll still be exposing my heart on a regular basis.

So thank you again for allowing me to be vulnerably and honest with you. Thank you for reliving this with me and helping me walk through even more healing. Thank you again for your sweet comments, emails and prayers.

Also we have many more things up our sleeve when it comes to this blog; including something absolutely fantastic this coming Monday and you won't want to miss it!!!!!! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and hope to see you back here on Monday!

My Fears

2011-05-05T07:50:00.004-04:00

During the time Jesse was having the affair, I had a lot of lonely nights to collect the bricks that were slowly surrounding my heart. For each disappointment, heartbreak, and rejection that knocked me off my feet there was one more brick added to the walls around my heart; slowly embracing it. By the time the affair came to light, my wall was almost impenetrable.

It has taken a long time for that wall of fear to come down. Even now, I have thoughts that still linger in the back of my mind - many of them include the dreaded question, “What If?” I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesse loves me and that we are stronger in our marriage than ever before, but what happens if we do see tough times again?

Right now, that is where my heart is. Though the walls are down, the bricks are far from gone... I still haven't completely let go of the fear and the constant reminder of what once was. I'm not sure why I haven't cleaned up all the bricks laying beside my heart. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I think there is a piece of me that leaves them there, just in case I need to start rebuilding again.

For me even after three years, fear can still creep up on me in a matter of seconds. At first it was constant (which is normal), but you must at some point learn to start trusting again. I still have issues with certain dates - dates that bring me back to feeling a certain way (like Mother's Day) and fear will physically take hold and I will withdrawal. There are places my husband and I pass where we live (also knowing it was a place he took her sometimes) and as he causally looks over in that direction (NOT EVEN thinking about her) and fear will rise up in me that maybe he was thinking about Lauren.

Crazy? I know!

One of the things that I thought I would never get over was meeting people with the name Lauren (of course this is not her real name but we are going to go with this, let’s just say it’s a common name). Up until last year it was difficult for me to even meet or smile at a girl named Lauren.

I know how horrible that sounds. How Christian like, right?!

But it was a HUGE trigger in my life. HUGE!!! God knew that this was something I wanted to overcome. I really prayed hard, I hated this about myself; I hated that I judged every Lauren out there without even knowing them. God knew exactly what I needed. It wasn’t going to take an intervention, or intercessory prayer meeting that would leave me slain in the spirit for hours, it wouldn't even take for all the Lauren's in the world to go extinct. None of that would have made a difference.

He knew I needed someone to enter my life that happened to share that same name. He knew that I needed this person to show me that I could feel safe again with a girl named Lauren. I needed to feel that all the Lauren's in the world weren’t all out to steal my husband and that I could have a true friendship with someone that (mentally for me) had so much pain behind it. I know this sounds stupid. I know it does! I feel stupid even admitting it to everyone, but this was a big struggle for me. Petty, eh?

God knew what I needed and He did just that. About a year ago, my husband and I had the privilege of meeting this amazing couple at our church, and get this… the wife’s name is “Lauren.” Go figure, right? Well, she has been a Godsend! She is an amazing lady who loves the Lord. We all get a long wonderfully. I’m so glad that God brought her into my life and I thank God for helping me get over the fear of all Laurens or else I wouldn’t have such a wonderful friendship today.

The other fear that I had to get over was being pregnant with Ian.

Don’t get me wrong… Ian is such a gift and God had a perfect timing for his arrival into our family. But for just a moment see where I was coming from. Remember my post the other week on being a “single mom?” Remember how my first experience of being a mom is doing it all on my own and having my husband abandon me?

Again, I know this sounds stupid, but this was my fear! I believed that I was going to get my heart broken all over again. In my mind, it was just a matter of months before my postpartum depression set in and my husband would get tired of me, this time leaving me with two kids. I was terrified! The devil sure did have a heyday with that fear, but thankfully I also had a lot of people praying for me and my husband reassuring me EVERY DAY that he was there and loved me very much.

Though my fear was strong, God still came through for me. Half way through the pregnancy He gave me such peace. The pregnancy brought more healing than I could ever imagine. I also believe that God was also speaking to Jesse’s heart and always reminding him to encourage me and us as a couple. I prayed over our family daily and just rebuked satan’s lies. Then beautiful Ian Bray arrived, and there was even more peace. That doesn’t mean that I still didn’t struggle, but it was better than I thought. I mean come on... who could not love this little guy?!?!

Our family life is what blesses me the most when looking back at what we once almost lost. If we hadn’t fought to save it, we wouldn’t have Ian Bray here today. Thank you JESUS!

Fear…. I hate that it rules so much of my life at times. But I’m a work in progress and God is always teaching me new things. Now that I have made myself look like the Hitler for all Lauren’s out there and the most terrible mother for being so fearful through my pregnancy and almost speaking death into our family by saying that Jesse was going to do this again, I think I’m going to stop talking about all my fears.

The bottom line is that it takes time, it takes healing, but mostly it takes prayer and trusting God to take those fears from you. I will tell you that it is a battle, but it’s worth it when you are finally free.

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Blessings

Laura Story

Generations

2011-05-04T07:50:00.003-04:00

Growing up, did you ever say yourself, “I will never,” when referring to something your parents did when parenting you when you were younger? Have you ever come across a family where the father struggled with an addiction, his son seems to have been 'handed it' pretty well, but then too fell short just like his father, and then later come to find out that the grandfather also struggled with the same addiction? Or have you ever seen a generational pattern throughout your own family that you didn’t quite seem to understand and think to yourself why haven’t we learned our lesson by now?!

Jesse and I both, very much believe that there is a spiritual bondage that can be passed down from one generation to the next. We believe that what we do today (negative and positive) can affect not just our lives in the moment, but our future generations. I realize that not everyone will see our point of view, and may see things differently than Jesse and I. But we have seen this pattern over and over again and we do not want to see our sons go through the same bondage that we’ve seen Jesse and his father walk through.

Exodus 34:7, "Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting (punishing) the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation."

Though we can’t pinpoint where this “bondage” originated from in the Yacoe family, we do know that Jesse saw his father's unfaithfulness during his young life. He watched as his mother was repeatedly hurt because of his father’s selfish mistakes. Jesse vowed never to become anything like that and held anger in his heart for a long time. Their father/son relationship was never anything to be proud of. I always found it strange, it was like something was there butting heads that got in the way of their relationship and kept them from having something more.

For years, I even felt uncomfortable around my father-in-law. A bunch of people I knew (mostly young girls) would feel uncomfortable around him at times. I would always feel so “skeeved” out by the way he sometimes looked at me or how he looked at other young girls. We never hung out with his parents much when we were dating or even much after we got married. I loved his mom, but I didn’t like being around his dad so we just wouldn’t spend much time with them. I felt bad for feeling the way I did, but I could not shake the feeling or explain why I felt the way I did. To me he seemed to be fake, not true or genuine, which ultimately rubbed me the wrong way.

Two weeks ago, I mentioned that my father-in-law was less than supportive when I came to him about Jesse’s affair. At the time, this hurt me more than anyone even realized. I felt like I meant nothing to my father-in-law. I wanted more support; I wanted him to go to Jesse as the man that raised him and tell him that he was being stupid for repeating in his selfish footsteps.

I could dream, right?

Little did I know a year later, more devastating news would hit our family and all my father-in-law's junk would come to light. I now understood why my father-in-law couldn’t confront his own son when the affair came out and why he just sat there like a deer in headlights.

How could he speak wisdom and truth to Jesse, when he was out doing something very similar? Jesse’s dad had been (for a good part of his life) struggling with a sexual addiction. He had a secret life that no one, not even his wife, really knew about or understood. He made some terrible choices that year that threw him into the lowest point in his life, but thankfully God finally got a hold of his heart!

These past two years have been such a healing time for both my husband and father-in-law. God is moving in both their lives in ways He never has before. God, in His amazing design, allowed it to be possible for them both to walk this out at the same time and be a strong support for one another. They have both grown spiritually in the Lord and are living righteously to honor Him.

They both work hard daily to bring honor to their marriages and restore the trust they both lost. They have grown to lean on one another for support and they have built a great father/son relationship. God is so good! Not only is He restoring marriages, He is rebuilding this family's foundation and taking this generational bondage out of the Yacoe family.

As you can see, I was not always a fan of my father-in-law. Looking back now, I know that I was just spiritually uncomfortable with the masks my father-in-law was putting on daily to cover up all the sinful things he was doing in private. Though I know that my father-in-law's intentions were never to be fake with the people in his life and his true heart was just to be friendly… I could discern the spiritual bondage he was internally struggling with.

From the girl who never felt comfortable being around her father-in-law, I can honestly tell you that my father-in-law is a completely different person from the man he was three years ago. I no longer dislike hanging out with his parents; instead they are almost always the first people we call when we want to hang out. I no longer feel “skeeved” out in his presence; instead he is like a second dad to me and the love I get from him is that of a father's love for a daughter. Who could ask for more?!

My father-in-law's demeanor and heart is raw and vulnerable. What you see is what you get and it’s so refreshing. His love for his wife is pure and real, and I can see every day how much he adores his wife and his marriage. I tell you, this is not that man I once used to dread seeing. He loves the Lord with a new fire in his heart and he has finally become that father figure I always wanted Jesse to have. It blesses me to see the relationship that is coming out of everything that went so wrong. God is so faithful to restore not just marriages, but even father/son relationships.

As much as Jesse and I believe that generational curses exist, we also fully believe that they can be broken as well. I believe that both Jesse and his dad are making that stand for the Yacoe family in their lives now, and stopping this generational bondage from going forth to the next generation. We believe that our sons can be free of this and I pray that daily over them! I don’t ever want to have my daughter-in-law come to me in pain the way I once had. I don’t want to see my children make the same mistakes. I believe and continue to believe that this ended with Jesse.

Romans 10:9 "if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."

Gernerations

Sara Groves

Judge Not

2011-05-03T07:42:00.001-04:00

Matthew 7: 1-5 Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is a log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brothers eye.

I always believed Matthew 7: 1-5, but I don’t think I ever thought about the consequences of “with the measure you use it will be measured to you.” I don’t think my husband did either. Like I said before, Jesse’s dad had an affair or two while Jesse was growing up. He saw the pain it caused his mom and for that he judged his father harshly. Jesse and I also saw our very good friends, Bryan and Kerstin go through two affairs and though we were very supportive of their choice to "make it work," I’m sure we had a few judgments we shared with one another in private. Never once did we think we would live out our judgments on others.

Never once did I think about the consequences. I always assumed that it could never happen to us. I never imagined that one day we would hear and feel the same judgments on our own lives and on our marriage.

I know that I may have beaten you over the head quite a bit with this topic of "judgment" recently, but I think the reason I keep bringing it up is the fact that judgment (other than learning about the affair and dealing with the consequences of it) is one of the most difficult things for someone to deal with during this type of crisis in their life. I mean come on, what is the biggest reason people don't talk about this with others?!?!? Why? Because you WILL be judged.

Not only was I concerned with the fact that I felt like I would never be able to trust my husband again, but I also struggled terribly with being able to be open and honest with others and trust them to hold my heart with all the feelings I still had for Jesse. I needed that more than ever during this time. I needed people to just listen to me and not give me their opinion in return.

I didn't want to say anything wrong in fear that it would make people hate Jesse even more than they already did. I didn't want to show myself to be unhappy with him because I felt like people would just tell me to "get out" and "move on" from this marriage. My fear of judgment from others impacted every move I made in my marriage and in public. The fear of judgment made the healing process SO MUCH longer than it had to be.

Everyone judges. It sucks, it's wrong and we all hate being on the receiving side of it. But for some reason we always feel that we have a right to put our two cents in, especially in sinful situations like this. I have never seen one person in my life not judge someones life, character, heart, you name it... I'm pretty sure it's been judged.

I can tell you that I used to be that girl who judged everyone and everything. If the information was divulged to me, you better believe I would have something to say about it. I just thought I was being honest. Shamefully, I have verbally expressed terrible judgments of others without even second guessing the hurt it would cause to others or the repercussions of me verbalizing it.

In no way am I saying I have this figured out or that I no longer judge anyone, because that is just not the case. I know that I am sinful and that I fall daily to my flesh. I know that pride can rise up in me at times and I know that "The {my} heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure." Jer. 17:9.

I know that I am just as bad as all the people who once judged me because I do the same to others at times. Thankfully we have Jesus, right?! However, I do believe that this experience has reminded me that my words are a very powerful thing. I feel that I have become more understanding and less judgmental of others because of the deep-rooted fear I once had of others judging me.

Immediately after everything came out with Jesse, there were only a few people who had not given me their opinion that I should leave. Even fewer believed our marriage was worth fighting for. More often than not I heard “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” “Are you sure he’s never going to hurt you again?”or “You can do better.” The worst statement of them all and the one that always sent me home crying was “Wow, you are much stronger than me. I would kick him out on his ass if my husband ever did that.” You wouldn’t believe how many times I got that statement!

I knew in my heart that my close friends and family were only saying that stuff because they loved me very much and truly never wanted to see me go through this ever again. But it didn't stop the way it made me feel. All those statements constantly made me feel unsupported and like I was making the wrong choice by choosing to fight for my family. It made me feel like no one saw the work that God had been doing in my heart or could see where God had brought me spiritually, allowing me to make a wise choice with my family.

It was hard to swallow the feeling that no one trusted me to make the right decision for me and my family because I may have been too emotionally compromised. It made me feel completely alone, and for me… I had enough of being alone. After four months of rejection from my husband I needed people to love me, and support me, and lovingly walk this out with me with whatever choice I made.

If I was to give any insight into what I've learned from all of this it would be for those going through something like this in their lives now. Do not second-guess yourself. If you want your marriage to work, fight for it. Tell only a few people you truly trust with your heart, and ask them to pray for you daily. When you get to a place of security in your marriage and you feel firm in the choices you have made as a family, then be willing to share your story. Surround yourself with people who will support your decision to make your marriage work and with people who trust you enough to make the right choices for you and your family.

I also recommend prayerfully thinking back to a situation where you might have judged someone else and the choices they have made in their life. If you feel that God is calling you to repent for judgments you have made in the past, do it. I'm not saying it's why you are going through this difficult time now, but I DO believe that we can walk out our judgments sometimes just like Matthew 7:1-5 says.

I think the reason I really wanted to touch on this topic again was because I think it's why so many of us who go through an affair keep it private. Unfortunately in my opinion, I believe the fear of judgment is the BIGGEST reason this subject is not talked about more in the church and in the world today. Though "judgment" is just another hump you will have to get over to get to the finish line, I believe with all my heart that an affair is redeemable. With enough work, passion, love, and respect you can fight for your marriage. Even if you are standing alone because no one thinks it’s worth it, you can push through. I know this first hand. I believe in your relationship as much as you do.

Perfect People

Natalie Grant

Where Do We Go From Here?

2011-05-02T07:47:00.004-04:00

When I found out about the affair I had a million questions going through my brain. One of the biggest questions that kept coming up was, "Where do I/we go from here"? I didn't know what to do next, I had no idea how to deal with the hurt, the anger, and the drama of it all. I couldn't process anything quickly enough! I desperately wanted to find someone who had the answer. I wanted to feel less crazy and know that everything I was feeling was more than normal. I wanted to feel like I could relate to someone and follow in their footsteps to recovery. I wanted to read something like this....

If you are making the decision to fight for your marriage (no matter the cost) I am so excited for you, because you are making the right choice! I promise, it will be worth the investment and hard work because God is capable of doing wonders in your marriage.

In no way am I saying that it is going to be a piece of cake. This is going to be a long, hard road to walk down; but I have all the confidence in the world that you can do this. If an insecure 26-year-old could do it, there is no reason you can't do the same.

Yes, this road will consist of many long nights of crying, bouts of confusion and feeling like you are the only one in the world going through this. You will sometimes wonder what you did so wrong to deserve all this heartache and pain in your life, and more often than not you will think you have gone insane because you have no idea how this could have happened to you.

You will want to give up time and time again, because it just hurts too much, but then again there will be times when you will want to press on because you believe there is something there worth fighting for. It will take a lot of patience, understanding, love, compassion and whole hell of a lot of hard work, but you can do this. It will start off very slowly, but as time goes on I promise the pain will be easier and easier to bear.

As hard as it may sound, you can’t expect much starting out. The person who wronged you is still very much in denial of what their affair really meant, and honestly so are you. Neither of you know how to process much of anything in the first few days and weeks. Because you still love your spouse very much even though they stomped on your heart, you still will get defensive if people talk badly about them. You will begin to start feeling your friends out and slowly start surrounding yourself with the people who tell you what you want to hear instead of the ones who will tell you what you need to hear. Though let me stress that there is a fine line between people's opinions and the truth of what they are telling you.

It will take some time to get comfortable with one another again. For me, I felt like I was "dating" all over again trying to win this boy's heart. I felt like I was often walking on egg shells with Jesse. I didn't want to do or say anything wrong in fear that he would chose the prettier girl down the hall. SO HIGH SCHOOL! After the second communication happened between he and Lauren, I realized more than ever that I needed to be more transparent and vulnerable because if I didn't this marriage was going nowhere.

Like I mentioned last week, during this period in my life the book "After the Affair" was like the bible to me. Not only did it confirm my own feelings that I was going through, but it let me see into how Jesse was thinking during this whole process. It gave me insight into what might have made him do this, and what I could do to fix this problem. It allowed me to accept his emotional behavior for the time being. I felt less crazy, more normal, and less alone.

The first year of working through this was the toughest. I wanted to give up a million times. I gave him hell and reminded him daily of what he had put me through and what he had done to destroy our marriage. I don’t recommend ever doing this because it only slows the healing process down to a crawl. If anything, this only hurt us moving forward and it pushed Jesse away even more. That is the last thing you want to do if you really want to fix your marriage. Some of you have mentioned that forgiving too quickly is like giving them a free pass and they won't "learn their lesson." I very much understand your hearts, but if there is true repentance that is accompanied by actions that back it up than you responding by being too hurtful could back fire terribly. Instead of continuing to seek repentance many people will return to the feelings that they had because they seem validated by the hurt partners constant anger.

Music was also something that kept me going. I listen to a lot of worship songs that would fill me up spiritually and emotionally. I listen to a lot of Ginny Owens, Natalie Grant, Bethany Dillion, Sara Groves and Alanis Morissette (yes, I know Alanis Morissette isn't Christian but I had my angry days too that made me want to listen to her very first album over and over again some days). However, I do recommend trying to keep it to just the Christian music because it will lift you up more than listening to angry chick music.

I was also very much into self-help books, they helped me a lot before the affair came out and after. Jesse always makes fun of me for this… but they really did help me. I was and still am obsessed with Shannon Ethridge and the way she writes. During and after the affair I read “Every Woman’s Battle,”and “Every Woman's Marriage,” . I also read “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. They are all fantastic books. AMAZING!

However, I don’t recommend reading "Every Man’s Battle" right after you've found out about an affair though. The book goes in depth about the things men struggle with on a daily basis and some things can be hard to read, especially after an affair. Jesse and I also both read "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs which is a MUST! We now recommend it to all of our newlywed friends or anyone getting married. If only I knew… if only. ;)

Making the choice and then moving in the right direction to fix a broken marriage is going to be hard but possible to do. There were so many questions I had and so little people to really answer them so we will still be taking questions if you still have them. I know very well that every situation is different, but it always helps to get the perspective of someone who has gone through this and might be able to see it differently. If you are one of these people trying to make their marriage work after something so devastating, I'm proud of you and know that you have a friend in me or just an ear to listen to if that's what you need.

This song really made me want to do this series!

I Refuse

Josh Wilson

Silent Sunday

2011-05-01T10:06:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, my family had pictures taken since the last time we had them done was when Ian was in my tummy. Thank you to my dear friend Cara for taking them. I took her family's portraits yesterday too and I'm pretty sure she is posting them on her blog today as well, so go check them out!

QUICK THANK YOU

As we creep into the final week of this series, there are a million emotions going through my body. I can't believe how far I have come and how much my marriage has endured. I'm not going to lie and tell you this month has been a walk in the park for me because it hasn't been, and I'm pretty sure my husband can attest to how draining it truly has been.

I have had many moments of being discouraged because this topic isn't always something people want to "comment" on. However, that discouragement is always replaced with awe and amazement when I get a beautiful email telling me how blessed someone is by our story, or even when I see our button on someone's blog telling others to come read us.

God reminds me everyday how blessed we are to still have our marriage and how important our story is to tell. So thank you to all of you that have been supporting us; whether it was posting our button, writing along with us or just praying for us daily. You have been such a driving force in this and I don't think we could ever repay you for that. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for everything!

Hope y'all are having a wonderful weekend!

Ask Us Anything Friday

2011-04-29T07:30:00.003-04:00

I feel like this is my fault, even though my husband says it's not, and that he was just being selfish and stupid, but I don't even know what that means! It has to be my fault! Why would he leave unless I was doing something wrong? And how will I ever keep him from leaving again if I don't know why he left in the first place?
Jesse -- I've said things about this in some of my other answers, but sometimes we feel as though we're going through a crisis in our lives and we struggle to grab onto something to give us hope. For some men an affair is a way to validate that "we've still got it". That sounds shallow, and it is, but it really is a result of something deeper. Many men see the admission that we struggle with identity or value as weakness. They see it as something to conquer internally and don't let others in to help build them up or if they do often it is in the wrong way with the wrong person.

Your last question touches on an important topic - ongoing honesty and transparency. It is very important, even though it may be difficult to hear, to understand the frustrations or struggles that your husband had and why he didn't voice them well enough before. You can never simply know another person's heart, but you can come to know it if you cultivate that intimacy and honesty. One thing many men struggle with is the belief that bringing a marital frustration to their wife will always end the same way, with them on the couch. Wives need to be attentive to this and be receptive to a husband's frustrations. If they reinforce the idea that their frustrations will always end in an argument or disagreement then they'll just tuck those issues away and that could help lead to a future blow out.

How long had it gone on for?
Lyryn -- Started March 27th (This is how my freakin' brain works... I remember this CRAP!) and ended on July 21st. Then began back up again around the beginning of October and ended November 14th.

Will you ever tell your children your story?
Lyryn -- YES! I want to write a book one day so if that happens I'm sure it would be hard to keep that from them, but even if I didn't get published we would still tell them. Of course, we will wait until they are old enough to understand what it all means, but I do not believe in trying to keep it a secret from them. I want them to understand how much their parents fought for one another and their marriage even in the worst of times and how much we love and appreciate one another now more because of it.

I want us to be an example of unconditional love in a marriage for them, and show them that a covenant marriage isn't something you just give up on because you are bored or want to trade up for something different. I want them to see that their father fought hard to break generational curses so that they might never fall into it themselves. There are many reasons we want to be open and honest about it. I'm sure I could write a book on this alone.

Was Jesse mad at how many people you confided in? Or that you went to his own family and told them?
Jesse -- Surprisingly enough I wasn't. I could understand why some people would get upset, it's a betrayal of sorts. I have always lived my life as an open book, so I knew these people would all be made aware of it at some point. I didn't feel like I needed to be the first one to tell them. I did have communication with all of these people after things calmed down a bit and acknowledged my failures.

I was wondering if there was a reason why your father-in-law didn't say anything to you when you went there? Was he the one who had an affair too? How long ago? Did your father-in-law ever explain why he acted that way? Do you think he already knew?
Lyryn -- I will be writing a post on this next week. But to quickly fill you in since I got SO many questions and emails about this, yes there was a reason he didn't say anything. He did have several affairs while Jesse was growing up and at the time he was still living in that sin as well, so he didn't feel like he had the right to be mad at Jesse for something he was also struggling with. I think he also blamed himself and felt completely terrible because he had seen Jesse and Lauren together in Jesse's car and didn't say anything. Like I said, there is so much more to this story and I will be touching on it next week.

I am confused though, why did all of this only fall apart after Lauren broke down to her husband about the affair? I am in no way trying to make this sound bad I am just curious if you had started to realize Lauren was not doing anything for you prior to her breaking down to her husband? Or did you just realize she wasn't the one for you only after she did?
Jesse -- I had always held out very little hope that anything could have ever worked between Lauren and I. I tried to convince myself that it would work, but knew that it would have been nearly impossible to make work. When she told her husband it became an impossibility. I knew that neither her family, nor mine would ever accept the relationship now that it was known to be born of infidelity. Although I had an affair with one woman the struggle was more about Lyryn or not Lyryn. Shortly after the affair was revealed I decided that I was going to give my family a shot at being one unit. I just couldn't fathom the idea of not seeing my child as often as I wanted and this was initially a big motivation for pursuing reconciliation.

What do you think would've happened if Lauren hadn't told her husband?
Lyryn -- Honestly, I don't think it would have gone on much longer. That's just my thought of course and I'm just speculating, but because there had been so many lies and so many things covered up it was getting to difficult to keep track anymore. They were both becoming sloppy and Jesse had just about had it with me so my marriage was about to end. I honestly believe that Lauren wouldn't be able to handle that; breaking up not just her marriage and my marriage, but splitting up a family. I might still be very hurt by her and have a hard time forgiving her but I do believe that her heart is good. It takes a lot for me to say that, it really does, but I don't think she ever wanted to hurt anyone, even more so to rip apart a family. Again... just my opinion I have no idea where her heart was or is.
Jesse -- I agree with Lyryn's thoughts, but think it doesn't help anyone or anything to speculate.

Do you still think about Lauren?
Jesse -- At this point there are moments, few and far between, where she still does cross my mind. However, it's not really specific thoughts or events. It's more of a quickly passing feeling and doesn't affect my thought patterns, mood or motivations with my wife. After the affair ended a thought would cross my mind every couple of minutes all day long. The frequency of the thoughts dissipated very slowly and then returned once she and I began talking again. However, once things ended the second time so did most of the struggle controlling my thought life.

Jesse - what outcome/reaction did you envision or expect when you told Lyryn the truth?
Jesse -- I expected for things to unfold about like they did. I knew Lyryn would be outraged. As I said, I kind of wanted her to be. I thought it would make it easier to allow me to walk away, but I still couldn't. However, I wasn't expecting the longer lasting or frequency of her angry outbursts.

Do you ever miss Lauren? Looking back do you think *something* was really there?
Jesse -- No and no. The foundation of the relationship was built on lies and mistrust. Additionally, no relationship can be built upon the destruction of another and be truly genuine. How can any person trust a person they had an affair with? Especially when they were both previously married? If they were willing to have an affair and leave their partner once, why wouldn't they being willing to do it again? During the affair I really believed that I was in love, but I wasn't. It was lust and infatuation. Look up 1 Corinthians 13... If it doesn't line up, then it isn't.

If you could take it all back would you? Or do you consider this one of those life experiences that were meant to happen so that you could learn from it and overall your marriage could be strengthened through it?
Jesse -- God has a plan for where he wants to take all of us. We sometimes choose a much more difficult path than He originally intended. God could have (and probably would have) brought us to the same place we are today without having gone through all the pain we've passed through. I wish I could undo the pain that I caused, but am thankful for where we are today. I saw a quote not too long ago that I liked, "The point of your greatest misery is the point of your greatest ministry."

Are all of Jesse's tears and such genuine for Lyryn and for what you destroyed in your marriage or are they mourning the affair or tears of getting caught?!
Jesse -- First, I wasn't caught. Lauren could have gone home without anyone being made aware of the affair. I decided to tell Lyryn and be as forthcoming as I could be. The tears I shed were for everything. A part of me was mourning the loss of something I had placed a lot of time and energy into, a part of me was grieving over the damage I had done and a part of me was crying in fear of what the future held.

Were you guys living together the whole time he was still talking to Lauren the second time?
Lyryn -- Yes.

I just wonder what someone is thinking who isn't sorry an affair happened who doesn't want their marriage to work ... and oddly enough the "victim" of the affair wants more than anything to make it work... Any insight into what Jesse were thinking when you didn't want your marriage to work... would be great.
Jesse -- It's rare that a person has an affair and completely wants their marriage to work the entire time they are engaged with another person, though it does happen. It's not uncommon that (especially in the beginning) the hurt partner doesn't even realize that there is anything wrong with their marriage. As the affair progressed I began to dwell more and more on all the things that frustrated me about Lyryn. This constant negative thinking reinforced my desire of wanting to leave.

One of my big frustrations is with our society and the way we treat commitment. The number of lawsuits we have in our legal system and the number of divorces we see in our country, I believe, are closely related. We struggle with the idea of seeing things through and personal responsibility and this manifests itself in these two ways.

When did you decide it was time for the 2nd baby and how did you know your marriage was healed enough to take this major step?
Lyryn -- I will also be touching on this next week too. It was a good year or so after the affair that we found out that we were pregnant with Ian. He wasn't planned by us, but God knew he was conceived at just the right time! It was hard to handle at first because it took me right back to my fears of having Jayden and then Jesse hating his life and I didn't want an Act Two of 2008. It ended up being a very good healing experience for me and I know that he was just what I needed to get to another healing level FOR ME. Again, I'll post about this next week in more detail.

Remember that every situation is different. We are in no way trying to give all encompassing answers. The answers we give are primarily based off of our experiences, the experiences of some of our friends and people we've both counseled. These are mostly just opinion and should be looked at in this way.

It Takes Two

2011-04-28T08:00:00.032-04:00

Though God supernaturally lifted a burden from my shoulders the evening that I revealed my secret to Lyryn, I knew it would take us a long time to find healing. I was immediately aware that my attention needed to be entirely directed at Lyryn and in finding ways I could help heal the wounds I had ripped open.

It felt strange coming back into a marriage I had denounced just days before. For a moment I caught a glimpse of what God must see in us when we cry out against him while in our sins, and then run back. I didn’t deserve to receive forgiveness from Lyryn, but she had chosen to extend it. However, it wasn’t a "forgive and forget" kind of forgiveness. This forgiveness would require me to continually work at earning it’s “renewal,” so to say.

I would have to prove to Lyryn daily that I was sorry and that she would really want to continue to extend grace to me. Over the next several weeks and months I made sure that Lyryn was very aware of two fundamental things. One, that I loved her. Two, that I was sorry for being so selfish. If I could reinforce those two things frequently enough I was sure to be helping to move Lyryn in the right direction, right?

Even though I knew all of this, I wasn’t prepared for the unbridled anger that was about to be unleashed on me. I had put Lyryn through one of the most miserable times of her life and she was going to repay it in kind. As best as I could I took it in stride, trying to dodge the repeated blows, turning the other cheek and responding in humility and love. I did this because at my core I knew that I didn’t really deserve anything. So I held out. Continuing to grit my teeth and run through it, hoping that “time would heal all wounds.” This old adage turned out to be partially true, just not in the time frame I had imagined.

While I tried to humble myself and submit to a rigorous security regimen (one that included regular phone “pat downs” and frequent check-ins when going places or running late), Lyryn made sure that I understood her pain. She wasn’t going to allow me to regain my place in our marriage so easily. I was going to have to earn back tenfold every ounce of trust I had lost. I would have to prove my faithfulness and honesty every step of the way.

In reading these first several paragraphs I make Lyryn out to be a monster and paint myself as a meek dog being beat upon. This isn’t entirely fair to Lyryn and wasn’t always true of me. Lyryn did let her guard down at times and a wonderful breath of fresh air was breathed into our relationship. Those moments reminded me what I was fighting for and helped keep me honest and grounded. On the flip side, I wasn’t always a quiet little church mouse. I got angry and very loud at times, beating my chest like a defensive gorilla.

I also struggled. I couldn’t keep thoughts of Lauren far from my mind. Despite having put in my resignation the day it all came out I came to an agreement with my supervisor that I would stay on board until they found a replacement for me or until I found a new job. This kept me in my position for quite a bit longer. Unfortunately, it also kept me in the building and room where the affair had been centered around. This was often challenging.

In the beginning so much reminded me of her and my thoughts were constantly turned towards her. All I could do was try my hardest to refocus my mind when these thoughts would bombard me. I used two techniques, both with wildly varying success rates, to try to redirect my attention. One was to memorize a scripture each week and then speak it out (externally or internally) whenever I was distracted by a thought I didn’t want. The other thing I tried was to redirect my attention on to something I really liked about Lyryn. Sometimes these things were very helpful, other times they didn’t make a darn difference.

After months of fighting back against these thoughts and against the onslaught of negative attacks from Lyryn, I gave in. I felt helpless and hopeless. I think I rationalized contacting Lauren by telling myself that I was just reaching out, seeing where she was in her own walk of healing. In some of our first conversations we both actually encouraged one another to continue to seek healing with our marriage partners. But this was naïve or maybe even just a cover for the underlying intentions. I can’t truly speak for Lauren, but it quickly became clear that both of us were hurting and wanted someone other than our spouses to tend to our wounds.

The emotions that had taken root from the initial relationship quickly took hold again. But despite the renewed relationship and all of the new communication, I was more conflicted than ever. I knew I couldn’t support the healing of my marriage and any kind of relationship with Lauren. I had begun communicating to Lauren my very strong dissatisfaction with Lyryn and my desire to finally leave her. I had even typed up a very detailed email that outlined the consequences of doing so.

Thankfully my rekindled affair was discovered by Lyryn just in time. God interjected and nudged Lyryn just enough to get her to uncover my unfaithfulness. Unlike the first time and without any hesitation, I made an about-face. I immediately owned up to my selfishness and secrecy.

After typing up that email I had received a revelation; when looking back over my life as an old man I didn't want to see anyone other than Lyryn. I also could not fathom trying to face my son and explain to him how I could justify being so selfish without fabricating elaborate lies. I now knew I had to face down my demons and fight alongside Lyryn to win back my place by her side and restore myself as head of my household.

Whatever It Takes

Lifehouse

Can’t stay Away

2011-04-27T07:45:00.007-04:00

When this all came out I can remember asking my friend Kerstin, on a daily basis, how long it would take to get over all the hurt and pain I felt almost everyday. It seemed like I was never going to start feeling better. I felt that this was a hopeless cause and that I was just enduring more torture by continuing through with it. I thought I would never be able to see brighter days. The only thing going through my mind on a daily basis was the disgusting thought of them being together. It made me sick. I cried constantly. More often than not all this pain and all this hurt just came out as bitter rage.

I’m not going to lie; it was like I had completely forgotten everything God had taught me in the months before. 1 Corinthians 13 was no longer something I walked out daily. It was now just a memory of a once humbled Lyryn. I no longer had patience. I was no longer was kind. In a matter of days, that humbled spirit that God had been nurturing got pushed aside and the hurt spirit that took all the rejection during the affair and all the mean and nasty words Jesse had spoken over me, responded with a vengeance.

In no way am I excusing my actions. I was completely wrong to treat him the way I did. I could have controlled them if I had really tried hard enough, but in my twisted selfish mind, he deserved hell and that was exactly what I was going to give him. The more I spewed hurtful words of venom and spoke a hopeless outcome for our marriage, the more and more he receded and began thinking, was this really worth fighting for? He was completely honest with me and put everything on the table. He did everything he could think of to work on fixing what he had broken, but I just wouldn’t have it.

Fear ruled my life. The devil knew just the right words to make me second-guess everything Jesse was doing to fix this mess. I was too scared of getting my heart broken again. I could not look like a fool again. I WOULD NOT look like a fool again.

I had convinced myself that I needed to constantly test him and treat him as badly as I felt he had treated me during the affair and that if he really did still love me he would just take it. I wasn't going to let him back into my heart so easily. I couldn’t handle going through all of this pain again and if I trusted him too quickly, I felt that it was bound to happen again down the road.

Unfortunately, my plan to build a wall around my heart and to get back at him by being verbally abusive backfired on me. Who would have thunk?! I can't believe how stupid I was. I practically told him to run back Lauren!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I'm insane!!!!!!!

Only three months after the affair had ended, curiosity got the best of them. As the story goes; (let me also add that even now I still do not really understand how it even came to happen) Jesse made contact with Lauren on an account he had told me about, but I believed was deactivated. For six weeks they communicated back and forth through email and AIM. While that was happening I began to see the past repeating itself.

About four weeks after their communication had started I took notice. He started to shut me out now and began to go back to easily becoming annoyed with me. I knew something was up and I knew he had returned to his old ways. And this time I knew without a doubt that it was Lauren. I just couldn’t prove it, yet. This wasn't my first rodeo and boy-o-boy was my home-wrecker radar up and in high alert.

I could hear the devil telling me, "See, I told you so!" I knew I had handled this all wrong and that if I was serious about making this marriage work then I was going to have to lay down my pride and really fight with Jesse, not against him. I was humbled all over again and brought to my knees. You would have thought I would have learned the first time... but I hadn't. I prayed, asking God to show me what I needed to do to stop this crazy cycle I was allowing in our marriage.

On November 14th 2008 (Oh, the irony of that date - For those who don’t know, November 14th is Jesse’s and my dating anniversary) I was sitting at my husband's desk and I felt this need to pick up his phone and look at it. Not thinking once that I would find anything suspicious I was shocked to see there in plain sight, an IM for her saying, “I love you too.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Really?

I could not believe my eyes!!! With my chest pounding a mile-a-minute I calmly asked Jesse to come upstairs (because we had a good friend over that night and I didn't want to look like a lunatic in front of him) to explain this. Honestly I really didn’t want to hear it from him, I was so pissed! I really just wanted to see the shock on his face that I actually caught him this time. I know, real mature... but I couldn't believe that they would do this again!!!!!!! COME THE FRICK ON! Here we go again.

I proceeded to ask him if he wanted to be with her again. This time he quickly came back with a, “No.” I felt a little better hearing his response to that question this time around. The last time I had this conversation with him he wanted a divorce. This time I seemed to be the higher priority even though I had just seen him tell her that he loved her.

I couldn’t deal with this. I told Jesse I needed to go think and get out of the house. The only place that seemed a logical place for me to go was over to our friends Kerstin and Bryan’s house. On my way there I got so ticked off with Lauren!!!! She had looked me in the eyes three months ago and told me it was done and she would never talk to Jesse again, but here she was talking to him secretly for six weeks?!?!? I needed to say something, I couldn't just let this be!

I pulled off to the side of the road because I was so angry. I texted Lauren, “You told me this was done, you told me that you would let us be. Then why have you been emailing and talking to my husband?” It took her a while to respond, but finally she did. Honestly... I cannot remember how she responded word for word so I won't try and quote her inaccurately. She did apologize (whether I believed it or not) and once again assured me that it wouldn’t happen because she wanted to make it work with her own husband.

I know you will all yell at me for writing this, but I do blame myself this time around. Yes, he was the one that made the bad decision to contact her and to keep talking to her over six weeks. But I was being terrible. I was intentionally being nasty to him on a daily basis. I was hurtful with my words and very cruel at times. I was doing exactly what he had done to me and I KNEW how badly that cut me down yet I still made him suffer through it.

To be put down every day, to be reminded of your mistakes and to be told you are not good enough will do something to your spirit. The words I spoke should have never come out of my mouth and I greatly regret how I acted those first few months. I will say that after that, things quickly got better. I was less likely to freak out on him for things I didn't understand, and ask questions first instead of jumping to conclusions. There were moments I still messed up royally, trust me. I'm sure he can attest to that. And even today I'm still a work in progress.

A few months after that happened the church we were attending was doing a small bible study on the book "Love and Respect." Goodness, I wish I had read that before I got married! I mean, ah-mazing book! If you haven't read it... read it! I realized that I was not giving my husband the respect that he so desperately wanted from me, and that what I had been doing was encouraging this crazy cycle that constantly kept us spinning downward into messes.

Each day got easier as we started to understand one another better. As we started to understand one another better, we started to connect better and communicate like we never had before. I was now able to see some real effort and repentance coming from his heart. I knew this was only the beginning of more healing and better things to come. I could finally see some light.

God Of Second Chances

Carlos Whittaker

(Jesse picked this song)

Every Ending is a Beginning, Every Beginning is an Ending

2011-04-26T08:03:00.005-04:00

A lot of those months are now a blur. I honestly cannot remember many of the details. It’s as though it was all in a dream I had long ago, but the evening before everything was brought to light was different. I met up with Lauren and while we were together she received a call from her husband. She lied to him about where she was and what she was doing and then did something she never did, asked him to call her back later. I thought it a bit odd, but didn’t make anything of it. We went our separate ways.

I was supposed to meet up with my friend (Lyryn’s cousin) Jeremiah. When I finally met him I felt as though I was walking through a haze. We talked, but I was disconnected, not really invested in our conversation or what was going on around us. Then, she called. I told him I needed to take it and stepped outside.

Lauren was in hysterics. After we had parted ways her husband had tried to call her back and she didn’t pick up, so he called the family she was living with. They gave a different account as to her whereabouts and goings-on. When he finally was able to speak with her, she broke down and told him of her infidelity. I could not then and still am not able to describe the emotions I felt that evening.

I don’t remember how I excused myself from the rest of the evening, but Jeremiah and I parted ways. I drove home experiencing every range of every negative emotion possible. When I finally did get home I got in the shower and broke down. I knew that things were going to change, but I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.

The next morning I went to work knowing it was probably going to be a roller-coaster of a day. I, like Lyryn, didn’t get anything accomplished except for one thing, my resignation letter. The resignation letter was so much more than just resigning from my job. It was resigning from the relationship I had created, resigning from the place it had started, it was resigning from the acknowledgement that I had brought this failure on my marriage in the work place that Lyryn and I shared.

After shedding way too many tears to go unnoticed, I took my resignation letter to Lyryn’s desk and said something to the effect of, “Take a look at this and tell me what you think.” I knew it would shock her and for some reason I wanted it to.

A little while later one of my superiors came into my department. He began to really dig into me about the condition of some of the products and displays. I did something COMPLETELY uncharacteristic and gave it right back to him and stormed out of the building. He yelled as I was walking out, “If you leave this building, NEVER COME BACK!” I went out and sat in my car gripping the steering wheel as though it was the only thing saving me from an imminent accident. After letting my emotions boil over for a moment I went in and gave my boss my resignation letter. I wish I could tell you his response, but I don’t remember. Honestly, the next thing I remember is being back at my house on my lunch break.

Lyryn was down by my feet and I had just told her as callously as I could that I was unfaithful. I think in that moment I wanted her to hate me. I wanted her to lash out at me. I felt that this would allow me to find an easier emotional exit from the mess I had created. Yet, when she stormed out to her car I decided to jump on board (or as many of you read, on the hood) as she drove down the street. As I returned to work I passed by Lauren and Kelly driving away from work. I knew this would be the last time I would ever see her. Somehow I finish my day at work, though I think I may have accomplished even less than I had that morning.

Fast-forward to that evening. I knew if I really tried to reconcile with Lyryn that it was possible. I knew that I would have to put on my humble boots and walk through the waist-high crap I had thrown all around our home. And I knew that it wouldn’t be easy.

I don’t remember how it all came about, but I ended up talking with Jeremiah, my mother-in-law Kristin, and the man who I should have allowed to be my accountability partner through all of this - Bryan. I was quickly repentant and knew I (or more importantly Lyryn) would need help to overcome this mountain of lies and deceit that I had constructed. Although I was far from being healed from my failures, that first evening with the help of my brothers and sisters in Christ, God supernaturally lifted a burden from my shoulders that would have prevented any healing from ever taking place between my bride and I.

(This post was to give some insight into how I viewed parts of the night before and the day it came out. It was partially written to answer some of the questions that were directed to me. I will be writing another post to answer many of the after the affair questions that many of you have raised. So make sure if there is anything else you want to hear from my perspective you ask.)

Loose Ends

Imogen Heap