Thursday, April 14, 2011

I Give You Control

I get so sad when I hear about people being mad at God when things like this happen in their lives. Often it’s too painful to look at ourselves and what we have done to destroy our own lives, so we do anything to get the spotlight off of ourselves. For some, God seems like the logical person to blame. I have been asked the question quite a few times during these past three years - did I blame God for what happened? Personally, I couldn’t blame God. I knew that I wasn’t right with Him and I knew Jesse and I weren’t allowing Him to act as the head of our household. I also knew that I couldn’t be mad at God when throughout this whole process He was the only one building me up and filling the role of my husband. Without Him, I wouldn’t be where I’m at today.

I grew up knowing the Lord, but made the real commitment to follow Jesus in November of 1997. I was blessed to be in a church so rich in faith and part of a dance team that kept me grounded in the Lord. The lady who ran the dance team was Jesse’s mom (now my mother-in-law). She really taught me how to love Jesus with all that I am, how to worship without fear and to come broken before the cross so Jesus could carry me. She taught me that faith is so much more than just going to church every Sunday and saying a prayer before bed every night. I am truly grateful for this, because I would have never gotten through this whole thing without my Lord carrying me the entire way. So in light of that, how can I blame Him?

When Jesse first started drifting away, my first instinct was to kick and scream to get his attention. I asked a million questions, texted him all the time to see what he was doing. Asked to see his phone and if he wouldn’t I threw a FIT over it. After a few weeks of making everything worse, I soon came to realize that this plan of action was only feeding fuel to his growing list of resentment towards me and why he no longer wanted me in his life. The more I blamed him, the more the enemy won. This strategy was not working. I had to surrender my life and find a new commander for this war I was about to fight.

I knew I had lost control.  I knew this was no longer in my hands and the only way I was going to win my family back was to give this completely to the Lord. The Lord then put Luke 18:27 in my heart “But He said the things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” I now knew that I had hit rock bottom. I knew that this marriage was not just a one-way street and that it was falling apart. My new plan of action was to stop focusing only on what Jesse was doing wrong, but what I was doing and how I needed to change to better myself and my marriage.

By the middle of May things were getting even worse. Jesse moved out and I was all alone raising our 7- month-old son. The only thing keeping me afloat was the fact that I was doing devotions daily, writing constantly, and learning to come to Jesus for everything. Most nights I would be up until 2 or 3 in the morning in tears over everything, (to feel rested was no longer a reality, but a dream of the past), but almost every time I would get out my Bible, sit before God and just cry. You see... He would let me do that.  That would always make me feel comforted in some way and a little less alone.

Slowly, I was living out Isaiah 54:5-6, “For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the Lord of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you, like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected, says your God.” I was beginning to understand what it was to take Jesus as my husband. I also realized that for the longest time my identity lay only in Jesse. We had been together so long that our relationship had defined me. His dreams were my dreams and his passions were my passions, I had completely pushed aside everything I once wanted for my own life. Through this process I started to learn that it was ok to simply be “Lyryn” and not be defined as just Jesse’s wife. I began to have new dreams of my own; more passions in my life. I began to see that I was valuable without Jesse and that my life would be fine if everything was split apart. I was slowly changing little by little and even Jesse was seeing the change.

Though I was still hurt and angry, I was less likely to lash out at him verbally. I tried to always encourage him, even though my brain thought he was the scum of the universe. God was teaching me how to love in a way I never did before. He was teaching me how to love like He loves. During this time I was challenged by my amazing friend Kerstin to read over 1 Corinthians 13. She told me not just to read it… but to really break it down and examine each word. I see this chapter in a completely different light in my life now. I believe that God was preparing me for what was yet to come. He showed me that no matter what, I needed to love Jesse unconditionally. He was also preparing me to fight for this covenant that the devil was frantically trying to destroy.

I’m not saying that I never got angry or that I never lost my cool with Jesse. I’m sure he could list quite a few times I got a tad bit out of control during the time I was "trying to give ALL the control to God." I’m just saying God was the only one I could completely surrender to and trust with everything that I am. I know that no matter what God will never fail me. So when people ask me if I ever got mad at God I simply say that Jesus was my saving grace in all of this so how can I blame someone who did so much for me?


Jarod said...

Great word! I wish I'd had a better understanding of that love mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13 going into our marriage. I wish we both had. It's been a hard-learned lesson. One that is still in progress and will no doubt last a lifetime. Thank God for His patience and willingness to teach us!

Anonymous said...

You are helping me in SO many ways. I have had such a difficult time dealing with my husband's affair; and your words and the words from the Bible are strengthening me tremendously.

I don't remember exactly what it was, but one day last week you said something that really struck a chord with me. Whatever it was led me to realize that the devil is constantly at work trying to deconstruct what God has built. Anytime I start feeling negativity in my mind or feelings of insecurity, I send my husband a quick text just telling him that I love him, or sit down and think of something special that we can do together...even something as simple as lighting candles at dinner. Working on love and rebuilding is time well spent. Worrying is not.

Thank you for helping me see that!

Megan said...

What a great post! I think I have lost part of myself and my passions to my marriage and my husband. And until reading your post did I really realize this. I think it has made our marriage difficult and it has made me very selfish and wanting all of my husbands time. I am so excited to check out those verses and begin living my life as Jesus' wife. Your story is amazing and up lifting, thank you so much for sharing.

very married said...

i had a similar, but not so similar, issue in my life. something i had really really expected and depended on happening didn't. like, a really huge life thing. and it spiraled me into some depressive-like times in my life. the thing i had/have to keep telling myself was that God controlled this. I did all I could and even with all my best effort, the thing i expected to happen didn't. I still haven't figured out WHY God chose this direction for my life. But I'm open to the possibilities.

Megan Ashley said...

This is such an uplifting post. I think that is where I went wrong when I was trying to heal at first. I never turned to God, I never put my all in him. I am now working on praying harder and focusing on God and putting him into the center of my marriage! Thank you for your strength and openess on all of this.

More Than Words said...

Amen, and amen! I also love all the verses you shared, Lyr!

Moments and Impressions said...

Having someone to blame feels so good - so much better than taking the blame on yourself. SO true.