My Back Story

Every Christian has one.

Whether you grew up in the church or had a tough upbringing; most of us (who are believers) have had a point in our lives when we realized that without Jesus we would be so incredibly lost. That in our darkest of times, there was only one man who could heal the pain and lift us out of our deepest misery.

Each story, no matter how big or small, can speak volumes to those who desperately need to grab hold of Jesus. We all have a back story that others can relate to, that can show them how amazing our God is and remind them that what He did for us, He can also do for them.

When Jesse and I first started attending our church and began to realize that this was going to be our home, we knew that our past was something we were not going to keep a secret. We wanted to be honest about where we had been in our marriage and the struggles that ended up leading us to where we are today. We made a choice to go into this new church family with no secrets and with our biggest failures laid out before us. Thankfully, and much to my surprise, we were welcomed with open arms, no judgment and an attitude to help others with what we have learned through this process.

So when our church announced their new fall series a few months back called “My Back Story,” you better believe Jesse and I wanted to do it. Remember back when I first started our love redeeming series? In my first post I threw out a few statistics that make it very apparent that we were NOT the only couple at Freedom Life that had experienced or was currently experiencing infidelity.

My heart in doing this was to show the church that it’s ok to talk about infidelity; and for people going through it to feel more comfortable about going to the church for help.Too many times I have seen  churches condemn people for the mistakes they’ve made, instead of holding them and showing them the love that Jesus shows all of us on a daily basis. I have also seen many churches come together and gather around the broken. Thankfully, I’m in one of those churches. This makes it that much sweeter to participate in this series.

This week our church went live with the series. They have a great group of people telling their back story along with us, and if you have a few moments it’s worth taking a look. Ours is one of the first being told… here is a look at our video ...

(I must say, I wasn’t thrilled at first. I was incredibly self-conscious about the way I spoke. Worse, I had a moment of self-pity when I was consumed with my unflattering appearance, annoyed how this fancy HD camera seriously added 20lbs to a body I THOUGHT had lost all my baby weight, and then was embarrassed by the little shoulder shrug I added near the end. What was that?!)

No matter how unimpressed I was with myself in this video, I know that when we signed up to do this… it wasn't about me. It was about what God has done with this broken, hurt, doesn't always have it all together, VERY imperfect couple. It is about what He has brought this marriage out of, and about what He is now doing with all that we have learned.  It's about His promise to us and our family and proof that God never failed us. It's about Jesus making us stronger when we felt like we had nothing left to give.  It's so much bigger than me and I’m SO thankful that He is walking us through our Back Story.

Redeemable Sin, Redeeming Love

Jesse

I married my wife because I liked her and because I loved her.  During the affair I convinced myself that I had never felt either way or if I had it wasn't something that was meant to last.  It's this lie that many people tell themselves as they enter into an affair.  I don't think there is any cut and dry way to help remind a person struggling with these questions, but they are often at the center of a person's struggle to recapture the feelings they think are missing.

One thing that I take away from this part of our story, is that even while things deteriorated while I was unfaithful, Lyryn's faithfulness to our marriage was increased.  If her attitude had become as poor as mine I'm not sure that we would have ever made it to recovery.  This was only possible because of how much time she spent pressing into God's word, building up her spirit with worship music and seeking fellowship with friends who would built her up.

The first year after the affair was a struggle for both of us, but in very different ways.  I struggled with letting go of the decisions that I had made and the lies that I had convinced myself were true.  Lyryn was not very easy to love during the first year of our recovery, so I had to pull out a wildcard from my past to help me cope.

I ran cross-country in high school (if I may brag a bit, I was the 5th man on our team when we won the sate championship) and was reminded of the physical pain of the hard workouts and how the beginning of the season brought cramps and soreness.  Remembering that the only way to overcome those obstacles was to press on and push through them, I knew that I must press into my wife and "gut out" the real tough stuff, because it would pass.

Every night I ask Jayden if he wants to pray for anything specific.  More recently I've been encouraging him to pray himself.  I don't know where he learned it, because it wasn't from Lyryn or I, but recently he's started praying, "God is good, God is great..."  I realize that this is a pretty common opening part of a prayer, but despite being so simple it maintains such a powerful truth.  Too often we try to take on the world, all with our own strength.  This is a futile effort.  It takes humility to admit that we can't do something all on our own, but it's in that submission that God can truly transform your life.

Lyryn

As I sit here reflecting on this past month and how much of our “business” is now out there for the whole world to see, I can’t help but still feel humbled that God was so faithful to restore my marriage when so many others have been lost.

I never once thought I would be in the place I am today. I thought that my suffering and hurt would last a lifetime and I would never get over what Jesse did. I never thought I would ever be ready to share our story or relive it as I did when writing this. I never thought that I would fall even more in love with the man who broke my heart. I never thought my marriage could ever be redeemed and the fact that it is, I’m beyond blessed and grateful.

After the first year of hashing everything out and getting to the root of many of our issues, I can honestly say that our relationship started to really change in amazing ways. We started to fall for one another again and found a new appreciation for what the other person meant to us. We realized how much we love and enjoyed one another's company and how much fun we had just being together.

For our 6th wedding anniversary Jesse surprised me by taking me to New York City to see it all lit up for Christmas. This is something my husband never did before and for a man that only a year year ago told me that he thought we were never friends this was absolutely amazing. It was magical and so romantic! He was so cute and had everything planned out perfectly. He was like a little school boy when he told me what was planned. I hadn’t seen him so excited like that since high school, more importantly I knew he wanted to be there with ME! We spent the day walking, talking and laughing. Though my UGG’s started to leak and it was painfully bitter cold, I enjoyed every moment we spent together.

The more we shared our life together and opened our hearts to one another each day, the more and more we fell back in love with each another. I’ve grown to trust him fully with my heart again. He has proven time and time again how much he wants me and this marriage.

When I wanted to give up, he kept pressing-in to prove that he was here for the long haul. Our friendship is better than ever, our love is more intimate than ever and our marriage is the best it has ever been. I have no doubt in my spirit that he is completely devoted to me and this family and it’s all because of God’s promise and love for our covenant.

For our 7th anniversary this past December, Jesse was so confident in our love and commitment towards one another that he got this amazing tattoo on his ribs proclaiming that God made me for him and him for me. The tattoo is a paraphrase of Genesis 2:23, it says, “Bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, from this man I make woman.” And below that verse lays my name in Hebrew.

There was a time in our life when my husband rejected me, disliked me, and believed that he wanted nothing to do with me. But here we are today, more in love than ever before, because we chose to trust God and allow Him to work in our lives to better us and our family. I can stand before you today and tell you that you can live a happy life after infidelity.

I can stand before you now and say; yes it’s possible to love the person who once betrayed you. I can stand before you today and tell you that it was worth every tear and heartbreak to be where I am today. After everything we have gone through, we are still soaking up the wonderfulness of the heavenly Father's promises. And we know there is still so much more to come.

As this series comes to a close today we want to thank all of you that have joined us on this journey.  You have been a blessing, encouragement and support to both Jesse and I.  I am amazed at how far God has brought us and I am thrilled about the future that God has planed for us - Jeremiah 29:11.  This has been a long road to walk down, but hopefully you have seen the awesome work of the Father and just maybe, we have inspired a few couples out there to give all they’ve got to their marriage.

Through this series, I have been so grateful to have met some amazing young ladies out there that have just blessed my socks off by working so hard at restoring their marriage. I will forever have a friendship with these women.  God has closed doors that needed to finally be closed and opened new ones that breathe life into my soul. 

Our hearts are to be a continuous support to all couples out there struggling with life's daily battles and (God willing) make this a full-time ministry for us.  My dream is to one day write  for Shannon Ethridge and then possibly write a book that will touch thousands.  My heart is to bring glory to the God that taught me the meaning of redeeming love and what it means to be faithful even when someone has not been faithful to you.  I'm so unworthy of what God has given me, but thankful His redeeming love for me is always constant. 

Our story is far from over, this journey has just begun.  This series was only a little piece of our hearts, but we still have so much more to say.  This will not be the last thing we write about this subject, instead it is the start of digging deeper into it.  We are still taking questions and we'll be answering them from time to time.  Believe it or not I also have many more posts about this I never even published so I'll still be exposing my heart on a regular basis. 

So thank you again for allowing me to be vulnerably and honest with you.  Thank you for reliving this with me and helping me walk through even more healing.  Thank you again for your sweet comments, emails and prayers.  

Also we have many more things up our sleeve when it comes to this blog; including something absolutely fantastic this coming Monday and you won't want to miss it!!!!!!  Hope you all have a wonderful weekend and hope to see you back here on Monday! 

My Fears

During the time Jesse was having the affair, I had a lot of lonely nights to collect the bricks that were slowly surrounding my heart. For each disappointment, heartbreak, and rejection that knocked me off my feet there was one more brick added to the walls around my heart; slowly embracing it. By the time the affair came to light, my wall was almost impenetrable.

It has taken a long time for that wall of fear to come down. Even now, I have thoughts that still linger in the back of my mind - many of them include the dreaded question, “What If?” I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesse loves me and that we are stronger in our marriage than ever before, but what happens if we do see tough times again?

Right now, that is where my heart is. Though the walls are down, the bricks are far from gone... I still haven't completely let go of the fear and the constant reminder of what once was. I'm not sure why I haven't cleaned up all the bricks laying beside my heart. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I think there is a piece of me that leaves them there, just in case I need to start rebuilding again.

For me even after three years, fear can still creep up on me in a matter of seconds. At first it was constant (which is normal), but you must at some point learn to start trusting again. I still have issues with certain dates - dates that bring me back to feeling a certain way (like Mother's Day) and fear will physically take hold and I will withdrawal. There are places my husband and I pass where we live (also knowing it was a place he took her sometimes) and as he causally looks over in that direction (NOT EVEN thinking about her) and fear will rise up in me that maybe he was thinking about Lauren.

Crazy? I know!

One of the things that I thought I would never get over was meeting people with the name Lauren (of course this is not her real name but we are going to go with this, let’s just say it’s a common name). Up until last year it was difficult for me to even meet or smile at a girl named Lauren.

I know how horrible that sounds.  How Christian like, right?!

But it was a HUGE trigger in my life. HUGE!!! God knew that this was something I wanted to overcome. I really prayed hard, I hated this about myself; I hated that I judged every Lauren out there without even knowing them. God knew exactly what I needed. It wasn’t going to take an intervention, or intercessory prayer meeting that would leave me slain in the spirit for hours, it wouldn't even take for all the Lauren's in the world to go extinct. None of that would have made a difference.

He knew I needed someone to enter my life that happened to share that same name. He knew that I needed this person to show me that I could feel safe again with a girl named Lauren. I needed to feel that all the Lauren's in the world weren’t all out to steal my husband and that I could have a true friendship with someone that (mentally for me) had so much pain behind it. I know this sounds stupid. I know it does! I feel stupid even admitting it to everyone, but this was a big struggle for me. Petty, eh?

God knew what I needed and He did just that. About a year ago, my husband and I had the privilege of meeting this amazing couple at our church, and get this… the wife’s name is “Lauren.” Go figure, right? Well, she has been a Godsend! She is an amazing lady who loves the Lord. We all get a long wonderfully. I’m so glad that God brought her into my life and I thank God for helping me get over the fear of all Laurens or else I wouldn’t have such a wonderful friendship today.

The other fear that I had to get over was being pregnant with Ian.

Don’t get me wrong… Ian is such a gift and God had a perfect timing for his arrival into our family. But for just a moment see where I was coming from. Remember my post the other week on being a “single mom?” Remember how my first experience of being a mom is doing it all on my own and having my husband abandon me?

Again, I know this sounds stupid, but this was my fear! I believed that I was going to get my heart broken all over again. In my mind, it was just a matter of months before my postpartum depression set in and my husband would get tired of me, this time leaving me with two kids. I was terrified! The devil sure did have a heyday with that fear, but thankfully I also had a lot of people praying for me and my husband reassuring me EVERY DAY that he was there and loved me very much.

Though my fear was strong, God still came through for me. Half way through the pregnancy He gave me such peace. The pregnancy brought more healing than I could ever imagine. I also believe that God was also speaking to Jesse’s heart and always reminding him to encourage me and us as a couple. I prayed over our family daily and just rebuked satan’s lies. Then beautiful Ian Bray arrived, and there was even more peace. That doesn’t mean that I still didn’t struggle, but it was better than I thought.  I mean come on... who could not love this little guy?!?!

Our family life is what blesses me the most when looking back at what we once almost lost. If we hadn’t fought to save it, we wouldn’t have Ian Bray here today. Thank you JESUS!

Fear…. I hate that it rules so much of my life at times. But I’m a work in progress and God is always teaching me new things. Now that I have made myself look like the Hitler for all Lauren’s out there and the most terrible mother for being so fearful through my pregnancy and almost speaking death into our family by saying that Jesse was going to do this again, I think I’m going to stop talking about all my fears.

The bottom line is that it takes time, it takes healing, but mostly it takes prayer and trusting God to take those fears from you. I will tell you that it is a battle, but it’s worth it when you are finally free.

Deuteronomy 31:6 

Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.

Blessings

Laura Story

Generations

Growing up, did you ever say yourself, “I will never,” when referring to something your parents did when parenting you when you were younger? Have you ever come across a family where the father struggled with an addiction, his son seems to have been 'handed it' pretty well, but then too fell short just like his father, and then later come to find out that the grandfather also struggled with the same addiction? Or have you ever seen a generational pattern throughout your own family that you didn’t quite seem to understand and think to yourself why haven’t we learned our lesson by now?!

Jesse and I both, very much believe that there is a spiritual bondage that can be passed down from one generation to the next. We believe that what we do today (negative and positive) can affect not just our lives in the moment, but our future generations. I realize that not everyone will see our point of view, and may see things differently than Jesse and I. But we have seen this pattern over and over again and we do not want to see our sons go through the same bondage that we’ve seen Jesse and his father walk through.

Exodus 34:7, "Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting (punishing) the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation."

Though we can’t pinpoint where this “bondage” originated from in the Yacoe family, we do know that Jesse saw his father's unfaithfulness during his young life. He watched as his mother was repeatedly hurt because of his father’s selfish mistakes. Jesse vowed never to become anything like that and held anger in his heart for a long time. Their father/son relationship was never anything to be proud of. I always found it strange, it was like something was there butting heads that got in the way of their relationship and kept them from having something more.

For years, I even felt uncomfortable around my father-in-law. A bunch of people I knew (mostly young girls) would feel uncomfortable around him at times. I would always feel so “skeeved” out by the way he sometimes looked at me or how he looked at other young girls. We never hung out with his parents much when we were dating or even much after we got married. I loved his mom, but I didn’t like being around his dad so we just wouldn’t spend much time with them. I felt bad for feeling the way I did, but I could not shake the feeling or explain why I felt the way I did. To me he seemed to be fake, not true or genuine, which ultimately rubbed me the wrong way.

Two weeks ago, I mentioned that my father-in-law was less than supportive when I came to him about Jesse’s affair. At the time, this hurt me more than anyone even realized. I felt like I meant nothing to my father-in-law. I wanted more support; I wanted him to go to Jesse as the man that raised him and tell him that he was being stupid for repeating in his selfish footsteps.

I could dream, right?

Little did I know a year later, more devastating news would hit our family and all my father-in-law's junk would come to light. I now understood why my father-in-law couldn’t confront his own son when the affair came out and why he just sat there like a deer in headlights.

How could he speak wisdom and truth to Jesse, when he was out doing something very similar? Jesse’s dad had been (for a good part of his life) struggling with a sexual addiction. He had a secret life that no one, not even his wife, really knew about or understood. He made some terrible choices that year that threw him into the lowest point in his life, but thankfully God finally got a hold of his heart!

These past two years have been such a healing time for both my husband and father-in-law. God is moving in both their lives in ways He never has before.  God, in His amazing design, allowed it to be possible for them both to walk this out at the same time and be a strong support for one another. They have both grown spiritually in the Lord and are living righteously to honor Him.

They both work hard daily to bring honor to their marriages and restore the trust they both lost. They have grown to lean on one another for support and they have built a great father/son relationship. God is so good!  Not only is He restoring marriages, He is rebuilding this family's foundation and taking this generational bondage out of the Yacoe family.
 
As you can see, I was not always a fan of my father-in-law. Looking back now, I know that I was just spiritually uncomfortable with the masks my father-in-law was putting on daily to cover up all the sinful things he was doing in private. Though I know that my father-in-law's intentions were never to be fake with the people in his life and his true heart was just to be friendly… I could discern the spiritual bondage he was internally struggling with.

From the girl who never felt comfortable being around her father-in-law, I can honestly tell you that my father-in-law is a completely different person from the man he was three years ago. I no longer dislike hanging out with his parents; instead they are almost always the first people we call when we want to hang out. I no longer feel “skeeved” out in his presence; instead he is like a second dad to me and the love I get from him is that of a father's love for a daughter. Who could ask for more?!

My father-in-law's demeanor and heart is raw and vulnerable.  What you see is what you get and it’s so refreshing. His love for his wife is pure and real, and I can see every day how much he adores his wife and his marriage. I tell you, this is not that man I once used to dread seeing. He loves the Lord with a new fire in his heart and he has finally become that father figure I always wanted Jesse to have. It blesses me to see the relationship that is coming out of everything that went so wrong. God is so faithful to restore not just marriages, but even father/son relationships.

As much as Jesse and I believe that generational curses exist, we also fully believe that they can be broken as well. I believe that both Jesse and his dad are making that stand for the Yacoe family in their lives now, and stopping this generational bondage from going forth to the next generation. We believe that our sons can be free of this and I pray that daily over them! I don’t ever want to have my daughter-in-law come to me in pain the way I once had. I don’t want to see my children make the same mistakes. I believe and continue to believe that this ended with Jesse.

Romans 10:9 "if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved."

Gernerations

Sara Groves

Judge Not

Matthew 7: 1-5 Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is a log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brothers eye.

I always believed Matthew 7: 1-5, but I don’t think I ever thought about the consequences of  “with the measure you use it will be measured to you.”  I don’t think my husband did either. Like I said before, Jesse’s dad had an affair or two while Jesse was growing up. He saw the pain it caused his mom and for that he judged his father harshly. Jesse and I also saw our very good friends, Bryan and Kerstin go through two affairs and though we were very supportive of their choice to "make it work," I’m sure we had a few judgments we shared with one another in private. Never once did we think we would live out our judgments on others.

Never once did I think about the consequences.  I always assumed that it could never happen to us. I never imagined that one day we would hear and feel the same judgments on our own lives and on our marriage.

I know that I may have beaten you over the head quite a bit with this topic of "judgment" recently, but I think the reason I keep bringing it up is the fact that judgment (other than learning about the affair and dealing with the consequences of it) is one of the most difficult things for someone to deal with during this type of crisis in their life.  I mean come on, what is the biggest reason people don't talk about this with others?!?!?  Why?   Because you WILL be judged.
 
Not only  was I concerned with the fact that I felt like I would never be able to trust my husband again, but I also struggled terribly with being able to be open and honest with others and trust them to hold my heart with all the feelings I still had for Jesse.  I needed that more than ever during this time.  I needed people to just listen to me and not give me their opinion in return.

I didn't want to say anything wrong in fear that it would make people hate Jesse even more than they already did.  I didn't want to show myself to be unhappy with him because I felt like people would just tell me to "get out" and "move on" from this marriage.  My fear of judgment from others impacted every move I made in my marriage and in public.  The fear of judgment made the healing process SO MUCH longer than it had to be. 

Everyone judges.  It sucks, it's wrong and we all hate being on the receiving side of it.  But for some reason we always feel that we have a right to put our two cents in, especially in sinful situations like this.  I have never seen one person in my life not judge someones life, character, heart, you name it...  I'm pretty sure it's been judged.

I can tell you that I used to be that girl who judged everyone and everything.  If the information was divulged to me, you better believe I would have something to say about it. I just thought I was being honest.  Shamefully, I have verbally expressed terrible judgments of others  without even second guessing the hurt it would cause to others or the repercussions of me verbalizing it.

In no way am I saying I have this figured out  or that I no longer judge anyone, because that is just not the case.  I know that I am sinful and that I fall daily to my flesh.  I know that pride can rise up in me at times and I know that "The {my} heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure." Jer. 17:9.

I know that I am just as bad as all the people who once judged me because I do the same to others at times.  Thankfully we have Jesus, right?!  However, I do believe that this experience has reminded me that my words are a very powerful thing.  I feel that I have become more understanding and less judgmental of others because of the deep-rooted fear I once had of others judging me. 

Immediately after everything came out with Jesse, there were only a few people who had not given me their opinion that I should leave. Even fewer believed our marriage was worth fighting for.  More often than not I heard “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” “Are you sure he’s never going to hurt you again?”or “You can do better.”  The worst statement of them all and the one that always sent me home crying was “Wow, you are much stronger than me. I would kick him out on his ass if my husband ever did that.” You wouldn’t believe how many times I got that statement!

I knew in my heart that my close friends and family were only saying that stuff because they loved me very much and truly never wanted to see me go through this ever again.  But it didn't stop the way it made me feel.  All those statements constantly made me feel unsupported and like I was making the wrong choice by choosing to fight for my family. It made me feel like no one saw the work that God had been doing in my heart or could see where God had brought me spiritually, allowing me to make a wise choice with my family.

It was hard to swallow the feeling that no one trusted me to make the right decision for me and my family because I may have been too emotionally compromised.  It made me feel completely alone, and for me… I had enough of being alone. After four months of rejection from my husband I needed people to love me, and support me, and lovingly walk this out with me with whatever choice I made.

If I was to give any insight into what I've learned from all of this it would be for those going through something like this in their lives now. Do not second-guess yourself.  If you want your marriage to work, fight for it.  Tell only a few people you truly trust with your heart, and ask them to pray for you daily.  When you get to a place of security in your marriage and you feel firm in the choices you have made as a family, then be willing to share your story.  Surround yourself with people who will support your decision to make your marriage work and with people who trust you enough to make the right choices for you and your family.

I also recommend prayerfully thinking back to a situation where you might have judged someone else and the choices they have made in their life.  If you feel that God is calling you to repent for judgments you have made in the past, do it. I'm not saying it's why you are going through this difficult time now, but I DO believe that we can walk out our judgments sometimes just like Matthew 7:1-5 says.

I think the reason I really wanted to touch on this topic again was because I think it's why so many of us who go through an affair keep it private. Unfortunately in my opinion, I believe the fear of judgment is the BIGGEST reason this subject is not talked about more in the church and in the world today.  Though "judgment" is just another hump you will have to get over to get to the finish line, I believe with all my heart that an affair is redeemable. With enough work, passion, love, and respect you can fight for your marriage. Even if you are standing alone because no one thinks it’s worth it, you can push through. I know this first hand. I believe in your relationship as much as you do.

Perfect People

Natalie Grant

Where Do We Go From Here?

When I found out about the affair I had a million questions going through my brain.  One of the biggest questions that kept coming up was, "Where do I/we go from here"?  I didn't know what to do next, I had no idea how to deal with the hurt, the anger, and the drama of it all.  I couldn't process anything quickly enough!  I desperately wanted to find someone who had the answer.  I wanted to feel less crazy and know that everything I was feeling was more than normal.  I wanted to feel like I could relate to someone and follow in their footsteps to recovery.  I wanted to read something like this....

If you are making the decision to fight for your marriage (no matter the cost) I am so excited for you, because you are making the right choice! I promise, it will be worth the investment and hard work because God is capable of doing wonders in your marriage.

In no way am I saying that it is going to be a piece of cake. This is going to be a long, hard road to walk down; but I have all the confidence in the world that you can do this. If an insecure 26-year-old could do it, there is no reason you can't do the same.

Yes, this road will consist of many long nights of crying, bouts of confusion and feeling like you are the only one in the world going through this.  You will sometimes wonder what you did so wrong to deserve all this heartache and pain in your life, and more often than not you will think you have gone insane because you have no idea how this could have happened to you.

You will want to give up time and time again, because it just hurts too much, but then again there will be times when you will want to press on because you believe there is something there worth fighting for. It will take a lot of patience, understanding, love, compassion and whole hell of a lot of hard work, but you can do this. It will start off very slowly, but as time goes on I promise the pain will be easier and easier to bear.

As hard as it may sound, you can’t expect much starting out.  The person who wronged you is still very much in denial of what their affair really meant, and honestly so are you. Neither of you know how to process much of anything in the first few days and weeks. Because you still love your spouse very much even though they stomped on your heart, you still will get defensive if people talk badly about them.  You will begin to start feeling your friends out and slowly start surrounding yourself with the people who tell you what you want to hear instead of the ones who will tell you what you need to hear. Though let me stress that there is a fine line between people's opinions and the truth of what they are telling you.

It will take some time to get comfortable with one another again. For me, I felt like I was "dating" all over again trying to win this boy's heart.  I felt like I was often walking on egg shells with Jesse. I didn't want to do or say anything wrong in fear that he would chose the prettier girl down the hall.  SO HIGH SCHOOL!  After the second communication happened between he and Lauren,  I realized more than ever that I needed to be more transparent and vulnerable because if I didn't this marriage was going nowhere. 

Like I mentioned last week, during this period in my life the book "After the Affair" was like the bible to me. Not only did it confirm my own feelings that I was going through, but it let me see into how Jesse was thinking during this whole process.  It gave me insight into what might have made him do this, and what I could do to fix this problem. It allowed me to accept his emotional behavior for the time being. I felt less crazy, more normal, and less alone.

The first year of working through this was the toughest. I wanted to give up a million times. I gave him hell and reminded him daily of what he had put me through and what he had done to destroy our marriage.   I don’t recommend ever doing this because it only slows the healing process down to a crawl.  If anything, this only hurt us moving forward and it pushed Jesse away even more. That is the last thing you want to do if you really want to fix your marriage.  Some of you have mentioned that forgiving too quickly is like giving them a free pass and they won't "learn their lesson."  I very much understand your hearts, but if there is true repentance that is accompanied by actions that back it up than you responding by being too hurtful could back fire terribly.  Instead of continuing to seek repentance many people will return to the feelings that they had because they seem validated by the hurt partners constant anger.

Music was also something that kept me going. I listen to a lot of worship songs that would fill me up spiritually and emotionally.  I listen to a lot of Ginny Owens, Natalie Grant, Bethany Dillion, Sara Groves and Alanis Morissette (yes, I know Alanis Morissette isn't Christian but I had my angry days too that made me want to listen to her very first album over and over again some days).  However, I do recommend trying to keep it to just the Christian music because it will lift you up more than listening to angry chick music.

I was also very much into self-help books, they helped me a lot before the affair came out and after. Jesse always makes fun of me for this… but they really did help me. I was and still am obsessed with Shannon Ethridge and the way she writes. During and after the affair I read “Every Woman’s Battle,”and “Every Woman's Marriage,” .  I also read “Every Man’s Battle” by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker.  They are all fantastic books.  AMAZING!

However, I don’t recommend reading "Every Man’s Battle" right after you've found out about an affair though. The book goes in depth about the things men struggle with on a daily basis and some things can be hard to read, especially after an affair. Jesse and I also both read "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs which is a MUST! We now recommend it to all of our newlywed friends or anyone getting married. If only I knew… if only. ;)

Making the choice and then moving in the right direction to fix a broken marriage is going to be hard but possible to do. There were so many questions I had and so little people to really answer them so we will still be taking questions if you still have them.   I know very well that every situation is different, but it always helps to get the perspective of someone who has gone through this and might be able to see it differently.  If you are one of these people trying to make their marriage work after something so devastating, I'm proud of you and know that you have a friend in me or just an ear to listen to if that's what you need.

This song really made me want to do this series!

I Refuse

Josh Wilson

Ask Us Anything Friday

I feel like this is my fault, even though my husband says it's not, and that he was just being selfish and stupid, but I don't even know what that means! It has to be my fault! Why would he leave unless I was doing something wrong? And how will I ever keep him from leaving again if I don't know why he left in the first place?
Jesse -- I've said things about this in some of my other answers, but sometimes we feel as though we're going through a crisis in our lives and we struggle to grab onto something to give us hope.  For some men an affair is a way to validate that "we've still got it".  That sounds shallow, and it is, but it really is a result of something deeper.  Many men see the admission that we struggle with identity or value as weakness.  They see it as something to conquer internally and don't let others in to help build them up or if they do often it is in the wrong way with the wrong person.

Your last question touches on an important topic -  ongoing honesty and transparency.  It is very important, even though it may be difficult to hear, to understand the frustrations or struggles that your husband had and why he didn't voice them well enough before.  You can never simply know another person's heart, but you can come to know it if you cultivate that intimacy and honesty.  One thing many men struggle with is the belief that bringing a marital frustration to their wife will always end the same way, with them on the couch.  Wives need to be attentive to this and be receptive to a husband's frustrations.  If they reinforce the idea that their frustrations will always end in an argument or disagreement then they'll just tuck those issues away and that could help lead to a future blow out.

How long had it gone on for?
Lyryn -- Started March 27th (This is how my freakin' brain works... I remember this CRAP!) and ended on July 21st.  Then began back up again around the beginning of October and ended November 14th.
 
Will you ever tell your children your story?
Lyryn -- YES!  I want to write a book one day so if that happens I'm sure it would be hard to keep that from them, but even if I didn't get published we would still tell them.  Of course, we will wait until they are old enough to understand what it all means, but I do not believe in trying to keep it a secret from them.  I want them to understand how much their parents fought for one another and their marriage even in the worst of times and how much we love and appreciate one another now more because of it.

I want us to be an example of unconditional love in a marriage for them, and show them that a covenant marriage isn't something you just give up on because you are bored or want to trade up for something different.    I want them to see that their father fought hard to break generational curses so that they might never fall into it themselves.  There are many reasons we want to be open and honest about it.  I'm sure I could write a book on this alone.

Was Jesse mad at how many people you confided in? Or that you went to his own family and told them? 
Jesse -- Surprisingly enough I wasn't.  I could understand why some people would get upset, it's a betrayal of sorts.  I have always lived my life as an open book, so I knew these people would all be made aware of it at some point.  I didn't feel like I needed to be the first one to tell them.  I did have communication with all of these people after things calmed down a bit and acknowledged my failures. 

I was wondering if there was a reason why your father-in-law didn't say anything to you when you went there? Was he the one who had an affair too? How long ago?  Did your father-in-law ever explain why he acted that way? Do you think he already knew? 
Lyryn -- I will be writing a post on this next week.  But to quickly fill you in since I got SO many questions and emails about this, yes there was a reason he didn't say anything.  He did have several affairs while Jesse was growing up and at the time he was still living in that sin as well, so he didn't feel like he had the right to be mad at Jesse for something he was also struggling with.  I think he also blamed himself and felt completely terrible because he had seen Jesse and Lauren together in Jesse's car and didn't say anything.  Like I said, there is so much more to this story and I will be touching on it next week. 

I am confused though, why did all of this only fall apart after Lauren broke down to her husband about the affair? I am in no way trying to make this sound bad I am just curious if you had started to realize Lauren was not doing anything for you prior to her breaking down to her husband? Or did you just realize she wasn't the one for you only after she did?
Jesse --  I had always held out very little hope that anything could have ever worked between Lauren and I.  I tried to convince myself that it would work, but knew that it would have been nearly impossible to make work.  When she told her husband it became an impossibility.  I knew that neither her family, nor mine would ever accept the relationship now that it was known to be born of infidelity.  Although I had an affair with one woman the struggle was more about Lyryn or not Lyryn.  Shortly after the affair was revealed I decided that I was going to give my family a shot at being one unit. I just couldn't fathom the idea of not seeing my child as often as I wanted and this was initially a big motivation for pursuing reconciliation.

What do you think would've happened if Lauren hadn't told her husband?
Lyryn -- Honestly, I don't think it would have gone on much longer. That's just my thought of course and I'm just speculating, but because there had been so many lies and so many things covered up it was getting to difficult to keep track anymore.  They were both becoming sloppy and Jesse had just about had it with me so my marriage was about to end.  I honestly believe that Lauren wouldn't be able to handle that; breaking up not just her marriage and my marriage, but splitting up a family.  I might still be very hurt by her and have a hard time forgiving her but I do believe that her heart is good.  It takes a lot for me to say that, it really does, but I don't think she ever wanted to hurt anyone, even more so to rip apart a family.  Again... just my opinion I have no idea where her heart was or is. 
Jesse --  I agree with Lyryn's thoughts, but think it doesn't help anyone or anything to speculate.

Do you still think about Lauren?   
Jesse -- At this point there are moments, few and far between, where she still does cross my mind.  However, it's not really specific thoughts or events.  It's more of a quickly passing feeling and doesn't affect my thought patterns, mood or motivations with my wife.  After the affair ended a thought would cross my mind every couple of minutes all day long.  The frequency of the thoughts dissipated very slowly and then returned once she and I began talking again.  However, once things ended the second time so did most of the struggle controlling my thought life.

Jesse - what outcome/reaction did you envision or expect when you told Lyryn the truth?
Jesse -- I expected for things to unfold about like they did.  I knew Lyryn would be outraged.  As I said, I kind of wanted her to be.  I thought it would make it easier to allow me to walk away, but I still couldn't.  However, I wasn't expecting the longer lasting or frequency of her angry outbursts.

Do you ever miss Lauren? Looking back do you think *something* was really there?
Jesse --  No and no.  The foundation of the relationship was built on lies and mistrust.  Additionally, no relationship can be built upon the destruction of another and be truly genuine.  How can any person trust a person they had an affair with?  Especially when they were both previously married?  If they were willing to have an affair and leave their partner once, why wouldn't they being willing to do it again? During the affair I really believed that I was in love, but I wasn't.  It was lust and infatuation.  Look up 1 Corinthians 13...  If it doesn't line up, then it isn't.

If you could take it all back would you? Or do you consider this one of those life experiences that were meant to happen so that you could learn from it and overall your marriage could be strengthened through it?
Jesse --  God has a plan for where he wants to take all of us.  We sometimes choose a much more difficult path than He originally intended.  God could have (and probably would have) brought us to the same place we are today without having gone through all the pain we've passed through.  I wish I could undo the pain that I caused, but am thankful for where we are today.  I saw a quote not too long ago that I liked, "The point of your greatest misery is the point of your greatest ministry."

Are all of Jesse's tears and such genuine for Lyryn and for what you destroyed in your marriage or are they mourning the affair or tears of getting caught?! 
Jesse -- First, I wasn't caught.  Lauren could have gone home without anyone being made aware of the affair.  I decided to tell Lyryn and be as forthcoming as I could be.  The tears I shed were for everything.  A part of me was mourning the loss of something I had placed a lot of time and energy into, a part of me was grieving over the damage I had done and a part of me was crying in fear of what the future held.

Were you guys living together the whole time he was still talking to Lauren the second time? 
Lyryn -- Yes.

I just wonder what someone is thinking who isn't sorry an affair happened who doesn't want their marriage to work ... and oddly enough the "victim" of the affair wants more than anything to make it work... Any insight into what Jesse were thinking when you didn't want your marriage to work... would be great.
Jesse -- It's rare that a person has an affair and completely wants their marriage to work the entire time they are engaged with another person, though it does happen.  It's not uncommon that (especially in the beginning) the hurt partner doesn't even realize that there is anything wrong with their marriage.  As the affair progressed I began to dwell more and more on all the things that frustrated me about Lyryn.  This constant negative thinking reinforced my desire of wanting to leave.

One of my big frustrations is with our society and the way we treat commitment.  The number of lawsuits we have in our legal system and the number of divorces we see in our country, I believe, are closely related.  We struggle with the idea of seeing things through and personal responsibility and this manifests itself in these two ways.

When did you decide it was time for the 2nd baby and how did you know your marriage was healed enough to take this major step?
Lyryn -- I will also be touching on this next week too.  It was a good year or so after the affair that we found out that we were pregnant with Ian.   He wasn't planned by us, but God knew he was conceived at just the right time!  It was hard to handle at first because it took me right back to my fears of having Jayden and then Jesse hating his life and I didn't want an Act Two of 2008.  It ended up being a very good healing experience for me and I know that he was just what I needed to get to another healing level FOR ME.  Again, I'll post about this next week in more detail.

Remember that every situation is different. We are in no way trying to give all encompassing answers. The answers we give are primarily based off of our experiences, the experiences of some of our friends and people we've both counseled. These are mostly just opinion and should be looked at in this way.

It Takes Two

Though God supernaturally lifted a burden from my shoulders the evening that I revealed my secret to Lyryn, I knew it would take us a long time to find healing.  I was immediately aware that my attention needed to be entirely directed at Lyryn and in finding ways I could help heal the wounds I had ripped open.

It felt strange coming back into a marriage I had denounced just days before.  For a moment I caught a glimpse of what God must see in us when we cry out against him while in our sins, and then run back.  I didn’t deserve to receive forgiveness from Lyryn, but she had chosen to extend it.  However, it wasn’t a "forgive and forget" kind of forgiveness.  This forgiveness would require me to continually work at earning it’s “renewal,” so to say.

I would have to prove to Lyryn daily that I was sorry and that she would really want to continue to extend grace to me.  Over the next several weeks and months I made sure that Lyryn was very aware of two fundamental things.  One, that I loved her.  Two, that I was sorry for being so selfish.  If I could reinforce those two things frequently enough I was sure to be helping to move Lyryn in the right direction, right?

Even though I knew all of this, I wasn’t prepared for the unbridled anger that was about to be unleashed on me.  I had put Lyryn through one of the most miserable times of her life and she was going to repay it in kind.  As best as I could I took it in stride, trying to dodge the repeated blows, turning the other cheek and responding in humility and love.  I did this because at my core I knew that I didn’t really deserve anything.  So I held out.  Continuing to grit my teeth and run through it, hoping that “time would heal all wounds.”  This old adage turned out to be partially true, just not in the time frame I had imagined.

While I tried to humble myself and submit to a rigorous security regimen (one that included regular phone “pat downs” and frequent check-ins when going places or running late),  Lyryn made sure that I understood her pain.  She wasn’t going to allow me to regain my place in our marriage so easily.  I was going to have to earn back tenfold every ounce of trust I had lost.  I would have to prove my faithfulness and honesty every step of the way.

In reading these first several paragraphs I make Lyryn out to be a monster and paint myself as a meek dog being beat upon.  This isn’t entirely fair to Lyryn and wasn’t always true of me.  Lyryn did let her guard down at times and a wonderful breath of fresh air was breathed into our relationship.  Those moments reminded me what I was fighting for and helped keep me honest and grounded.  On the flip side, I wasn’t always a quiet little church mouse.  I got angry and very loud at times, beating my chest like a defensive gorilla.

I also struggled.  I couldn’t keep thoughts of Lauren far from my mind.  Despite having put in my resignation the day it all came out I came to an agreement with my supervisor that I would stay on board until they found a replacement for me or until I found a new job.  This kept me in my position for quite a bit longer.  Unfortunately, it also kept me in the building and room where the affair had been centered around.  This was often challenging.

In the beginning so much reminded me of her and my thoughts were constantly turned towards her.  All I could do was try my hardest to refocus my mind when these thoughts would bombard me.  I used two techniques, both with wildly varying success rates, to try to redirect my attention.  One was to memorize a scripture each week and then speak it out (externally or internally) whenever I was distracted by a thought I didn’t want.  The other thing I tried was to redirect my attention on to something I really liked about Lyryn.  Sometimes these things were very helpful, other times they didn’t make a darn difference.

After months of fighting back against these thoughts and against the onslaught of negative attacks from Lyryn, I gave in.  I felt helpless and hopeless.  I think I rationalized contacting Lauren by telling myself that I was just reaching out, seeing where she was in her own walk of healing.  In some of our first conversations we both actually encouraged one another to continue to seek healing with our marriage partners.  But this was naïve or maybe even just a cover for the underlying intentions.  I can’t truly speak for Lauren, but it quickly became clear that both of us were hurting and wanted someone other than our spouses to tend to our wounds.

The emotions that had taken root from the initial relationship quickly took hold again. But despite the renewed relationship and all of the new communication, I was more conflicted than ever.  I knew I couldn’t support the healing of my marriage and any kind of relationship with Lauren.  I had begun communicating to Lauren my very strong dissatisfaction with Lyryn and my desire to finally leave her.  I had even typed up a very detailed email that outlined the consequences of doing so.

Thankfully my rekindled affair was discovered by Lyryn just in time.  God interjected and nudged Lyryn just enough to get her to uncover my unfaithfulness.  Unlike the first time and without any hesitation, I made an about-face.  I immediately owned up to my selfishness and secrecy.

After typing up that email I had received a revelation; when looking back over my life as an old man I didn't want to see anyone other than Lyryn.  I also could not fathom trying to face my son and explain to him how I could justify being so selfish without fabricating elaborate lies. I now knew I had to face down my demons and fight alongside Lyryn to win back my place by her side and restore myself as head of my household.

Whatever It Takes

Lifehouse

Can’t stay Away

When this all came out I can remember asking my friend Kerstin, on a daily basis, how long it would take to get over all the hurt and pain I felt almost everyday.  It seemed like I was never going to start feeling better.  I felt that this was a hopeless cause and that I was just enduring more torture by continuing through with it.  I thought I would never be able to see brighter days.  The only thing going through my mind on a daily basis was the disgusting thought of them being together.  It made me sick.  I cried constantly.  More often than not all this pain and all this hurt just came out as bitter rage. 

I’m not going to lie; it was like I had completely forgotten everything God had taught me in the months before. 1 Corinthians 13 was no longer something I walked out daily.  It was now just a memory of a once humbled Lyryn.  I no longer had patience. I was no longer was kind.   In a matter of days, that humbled spirit that God had been nurturing got pushed aside and the hurt spirit that took all the rejection during the affair and all the mean and nasty words Jesse had spoken over me, responded with a vengeance.

In no way am I excusing my actions. I was completely wrong to treat him the way I did.  I could have controlled them if I had really tried hard enough, but in my twisted selfish mind, he deserved hell and that was exactly what I was going to give him.  The more I spewed hurtful words of venom and spoke a hopeless outcome for our marriage, the more and more he receded and began thinking, was this really worth fighting for?  He was completely honest with me and put everything on the table.  He did everything he could think of to work on fixing what he had broken, but I just wouldn’t have it.

Fear ruled my life.  The devil knew just the right words to make me second-guess everything Jesse was doing to fix this mess.  I was too scared of getting my heart broken again.  I could not look like a fool again.  I WOULD NOT look like a fool again.

I had convinced myself that I needed to constantly test him and treat him as badly as I felt he had treated me during the affair and that if he really did still love me he would just take it.  I wasn't going to let him back into my heart so easily. I couldn’t handle going through all of this pain  again and if I trusted him too quickly, I felt that it was bound to happen again down the road.

Unfortunately, my plan to build a wall around my heart and to get back at him by being verbally abusive backfired on me.  Who would have thunk?!  I can't believe how stupid I was.  I practically told him to run back Lauren!

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR,  I'm insane!!!!!!!

Only three months after the affair had ended, curiosity got the best of them.  As the story goes; (let me also add that even now I still do not really understand how it even came to happen) Jesse made contact with Lauren on an account he had told me about, but I believed was deactivated.  For six weeks they communicated back and forth through email and AIM.  While that was happening I began to see the past repeating itself.

About four weeks after their communication had started I took notice.  He started to shut me out now and began to go back to easily becoming annoyed with me.  I knew something was up and I knew he had returned to his old ways. And this time I knew without a doubt that it was Lauren. I just couldn’t prove it, yet.  This wasn't my first rodeo and boy-o-boy was my home-wrecker radar up and in high alert.

I could hear the devil telling me, "See, I told you so!" I knew I had handled this all wrong and that if I was serious about making this marriage work then I was going to have to lay down my pride and really fight with Jesse, not against him.  I was humbled all over again and brought to my knees.  You would have thought I would have learned the first time... but I hadn't.  I prayed, asking God to show me what I needed to do to stop this crazy cycle I was allowing in our marriage.

On November 14th 2008 (Oh, the irony of that date - For those who don’t know, November 14th is Jesse’s and my dating anniversary) I was sitting at my husband's desk and I felt this need to pick up his phone and look at it. Not thinking once that I would find anything suspicious I was shocked to see there in plain sight, an IM for her saying, “I love you too.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! Really?

I could not believe my eyes!!!  With my chest pounding a mile-a-minute I calmly asked Jesse to come upstairs (because we had a good friend over that night and I didn't want to look like a lunatic in front of him) to explain this.  Honestly I really didn’t want to hear it from him, I was so pissed!  I really just wanted to see the shock on his face that I actually caught him this time.  I know, real mature... but I couldn't believe that they would do this again!!!!!!!  COME THE FRICK ON!  Here we go again.

I proceeded to ask him if he wanted to be with her again.  This time he quickly came back with a, “No.”  I felt a little better hearing his response to that question this time around.  The last time I had this conversation with him he wanted a divorce. This time I seemed to be the higher priority even though I had just seen him tell her that he loved her.

I couldn’t deal with this.  I told Jesse I needed to go think and get out of the house.  The only place that seemed a logical place for me to go was over to our friends Kerstin and Bryan’s house. On my way there I got so ticked off with Lauren!!!!  She had looked me in the eyes three months ago and told me it was done and she would never talk to Jesse again, but here she was talking to him secretly for six weeks?!?!?  I needed to say something, I couldn't just let this be!

I pulled off to the side of the road because I was so angry.  I texted Lauren, “You told me this was done, you told me that you would let us be. Then why have you been emailing and talking to my husband?” It took her a while to respond, but finally she did. Honestly... I cannot remember how she responded word for word so I won't try and quote her inaccurately.  She did apologize (whether I believed it or not) and once again assured me that it wouldn’t happen because she wanted to make it work with her own husband.

I know you will all yell at me for writing this, but I do blame myself this time around. Yes, he was the one that made the bad decision to contact her and to keep talking to her over six weeks. But I was being terrible.  I was intentionally being nasty to him on a daily basis.  I was hurtful with my words and very cruel at times. I was doing exactly what he had done to me and I KNEW how badly that cut me down yet I still made him suffer through it.

To be put down every day, to be reminded of your mistakes and to be told you are not good enough will do something to your spirit. The words I spoke should have never come out of my mouth and I greatly regret how I acted those first few months.  I will say that after that, things quickly got better. I was less likely to freak out on him for things I didn't understand, and ask questions first instead of jumping to conclusions. There were moments I still messed up royally, trust me. I'm sure he can attest to that.  And even today I'm still a work in progress.

A few months after that happened the church we were attending was doing a small bible study on the book "Love and Respect." Goodness, I wish I had read that before I got married! I mean, ah-mazing book! If you haven't read it... read it!  I realized that I was not giving my husband the respect that he so desperately wanted from me, and that what I had been doing was encouraging this crazy cycle that constantly kept us spinning downward into messes.

Each day got easier as we started to understand one another better. As we started to understand one another better, we started to connect better and communicate like we never had before. I was now able to see some real effort and repentance coming from his heart. I knew this was only the beginning of more healing and better things to come.  I could finally see some light.

God Of Second Chances

Carlos Whittaker

(Jesse picked this song)

Every Ending is a Beginning, Every Beginning is an Ending

A lot of those months are now a blur.  I honestly cannot remember many of the details.  It’s as though it was all in a dream I had long ago, but the evening before everything was brought to light was different.  I met up with Lauren and while we were together she received a call from her husband.  She lied to him about where she was and what she was doing and then did something she never did, asked him to call her back later.  I thought it a bit odd, but didn’t make anything of it.  We went our separate ways.

I was supposed to meet up with my friend (Lyryn’s cousin) Jeremiah.  When I finally met him I felt as though I was walking through a haze.  We talked, but I was disconnected, not really invested in our conversation or what was going on around us.  Then, she called.  I told him I needed to take it and stepped outside.

Lauren was in hysterics.  After we had parted ways her husband had tried to call her back and she didn’t pick up, so he called the family she was living with.  They gave a different account as to her whereabouts and goings-on.  When he finally was able to speak with her, she broke down and told him of her infidelity.  I could not then and still am not able to describe the emotions I felt that evening.

I don’t remember how I excused myself from the rest of the evening, but Jeremiah and I parted ways.  I drove home experiencing every range of every negative emotion possible.  When I finally did get home I got in the shower and broke down.  I knew that things were going to change, but I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.

The next morning I went to work knowing it was probably going to be a roller-coaster of a day.   I, like Lyryn, didn’t get anything accomplished except for one thing, my resignation letter.  The resignation letter was so much more than just resigning from my job.  It was resigning from the relationship I had created, resigning from the place it had started, it was resigning from the acknowledgement that I had brought this failure on my marriage in the work place that Lyryn and I shared.

After shedding way too many tears to go unnoticed, I took my resignation letter to Lyryn’s desk and said something to the effect of, “Take a look at this and tell me what you think.”  I knew it would shock her and for some reason I wanted it to.  

A little while later one of my superiors came into my department.  He began to really dig into me about the condition of some of the products and displays.  I did something COMPLETELY uncharacteristic and gave it right back to him and stormed out of the building.  He yelled as I was walking out, “If you leave this building, NEVER COME BACK!”  I went out and sat in my car gripping the steering wheel as though it was the only thing saving me from an imminent accident.  After letting my emotions boil over for a moment I went in and gave my boss my resignation letter.  I wish I could tell you his response, but I don’t remember.  Honestly, the next thing I remember is being back at my house on my lunch break. 

Lyryn was down by my feet and I had just told her as callously as I could that I was unfaithful.  I think in that moment I wanted her to hate me.  I wanted her to lash out at me.  I felt that this would allow me to find an easier emotional exit from the mess I had created.  Yet, when she stormed out to her car I decided to jump on board (or as many of you read, on the hood) as she drove down the street.  As I returned to work I passed by Lauren and Kelly driving away from work.  I knew this would be the last time I would ever see her.  Somehow I finish my day at work, though I think I may have accomplished even less than I had that morning.

Fast-forward to that evening.  I knew if I really tried to reconcile with Lyryn that it was possible.  I knew that I would have to put on my humble boots and walk through the waist-high crap I had thrown all around our home.  And I knew that it wouldn’t be easy.

I don’t remember how it all came about, but I ended up talking with Jeremiah, my mother-in-law Kristin, and the man who I should have allowed to be my accountability partner through all of this - Bryan.  I was quickly repentant and knew I (or more importantly Lyryn) would need help to overcome this mountain of lies and deceit that I had constructed.  Although I was far from being healed from my failures, that first evening with the help of my brothers and sisters in Christ, God supernaturally lifted a burden from my shoulders that would have prevented any healing from ever taking place between my bride and I.

(This post was to give some insight into how I viewed parts of the night before and the day it came out.  It was partially written to answer some of the questions that were directed to me.  I will be writing another post to answer many of the after the affair questions that many of you have raised.  So make sure if there is anything else you want to hear from my perspective you ask.)  

Loose Ends

Imogen Heap

The Aftermath

Have you ever had something replay itself over and over in your head so many times that after a while you feel like you are going to completely lose your mind if you don't stop thinking about it? After something like this happens you pretty much drive yourself mad trying to figure out what the heck actually just happened, despite the fact that you were physically there going through all of it. It’s like a surreal out-of-body experience that leaves you baffled as to how such utter disaster just unfolded. There are so many emotions going through your body all at once that you are unable to determine which of them needs to be met - which will ultimately leave you feeling like you may need to be institutionalized.

The morning after my world caved in and left my future pretty directionless, I woke up numb and quite groggy from the three sleeping pills I had taken the night before. I had taken them just to stop my brain from thinking and my heart from aching. I was still very much in shock about everything that had been revealed the day before. As I got ready for work that morning it didn’t even dawn on me how I was going to actually cope with going to the place where my husband’s love affair had started.

Can you believe that I actually went to work? Was I nuts to think that I was going to be able to function after what yesterday had done to me emotionally?!?! Not only did I go to work, so did Jesse. The only person not there that morning was Lauren. For Lauren, her last day was July 21st and she was never coming back. In fact she wasn’t leaving her house unsupervised until it was time to go to the airport to move back home.

In that sense most people aren’t as lucky as I was. It was a blessing for everyone that she wasn’t from around here and that her circumstances made it possible for her to return to her hometown. Some people who go through this may sometimes still have to see the person who slept with their spouse, but thankfully I don’t. My situation was complicated, (believe me, more complicated than you may realize) no matter what I will always know of her because of her connections to people who are still in my life. On the other hand I am lucky because I don’t have to be nervous about Jesse or I accidentally running into her at the local grocery store because she lives well over 1000 miles away.

As I walked into work that morning, you had better believe that people already knew what had happened or at least knew something had gone down. I still don’t know how everything got around so quickly or who started what, but my marriage was front page news at work and was likely the first gossip email/memo everyone saw as they got themselves ready for the day.

Being part of a work scandal is no fun, especially when it’s your marriage and integrity on the line. One story after another trickled its way up through the office. My friend Josh, who also worked with us, did his best to do damage control, but it was too late. The stories coming out of the warehouse where we worked were the most outrageous. There were stories filled with lies containing words like “pregnant” and “abortion.”

WHERE DO PEOPLE COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?! 

Three hours into work I realized I wasn’t getting anything done. I think I had downloaded about 3 orders in those three long hours (though I couldn’t tell you for sure since that day is a jumbled mess in my head). I knew I could no longer emotionally handle being at work.

I went in and talked to my direct supervisor to try to explain why I wasn’t being myself today and what had just happened so he wouldn't think I was just slacking off. But he already knew what had happened because of all the rumors. He told me how sorry he was that this happened and told me that I could take as much time as I needed. I was no use there… I needed to get things sorted out and put together so I could start processing all that had just happened.

I went directly to my friend Kerstin’s. There I processed a little more and cried my eyes out a ton more. After crying she encouraged me to get some reading materials to help me through this. I decided to go to Barnes and Noble to find any book that would help me get through this. The only book I could find which was also overwhelmingly recommended on Google was the book “After the Affair” by Judith Barnett.

This book? I could NOT put it down. For a girl who takes months to read one book, it only took me 5 days. It is the most in-depth account of how both the victim of an affair and the one who committed the affair feels and reacts to the unveiling of an affair. If you read any book while going through something like this… this one’s it. It is an amazing and very eye-opening read.

Later this week I will talk more about how I coped with some of the emotions and what things helped me get through some of the most difficult parts of healing, but I’m not going to candy-coat it for you. The first few months are HARD, probably the hardest you will ever have to go through! As each day passed I went through a million different emotions.

There were times I felt sad and depressed and wouldn’t want to talk to anyone. I had a complete loss of appetite, which added to making me irritable. I hated the weekends because I knew I would have to be around him. Every time I looked at him I thought of him and Lauren being together (in every way that could mean). Everything he said (in my mind) was a lie, even when he spoke complete truth. He tried and tried and tried, but I would not let him in because I was just so broken and so scared of being hurt again. Every time I passed a place I knew they had been, I would cringe. I felt sick all the time. I couldn’t sleep because I would just keep thinking.

There were moments of hope and breakthrough that allowed me to see some sun through the clouds. There were times of feeling completely out of control and slightly insane, which left me crying hysterically in the shower many nights. There was a lot of anger, hurt, resentment and bitterness. If I’m really going to be honest, the biggest emotion that manifested itself was anger. It was like I forgot everything that I had learned over the previous 4 months, it had all become null and void because of what he had done.

I would often be quite verbally abusive to Jesse, constantly threatening to give up on us. But when it came to saving face… for me, we were always just “working on it.” Still, I clung to the hope that things would just start getting better for me or that I would become okay with calling it quits. The first four months were unbearable. The fact of the matter was that I was still processing everything, and processing for me... can take a LONG time. I knew then that there were many different wounds that needed healing, and this was going to take a very, very LONG time to completely heal.

It's Not Over

Chris Daughtry

After the dramatic and emotional three-part series I wrote last week that recalled the day the affair came to light, I was not prepared for the emotional roller coaster it caused inside me. I had thought I had gotten to a place of complete peace with it, but I guess I wasn't totally there yet. I appreciated you all letting us slide on doing the questions this past Friday. We will be doing them this week. We have been so blessed by your comments and emails. They have been such an encouragement for us to keep this going. 

So we thank you from the bottom of our hearts.

July 21st 2008 – Part Three

If you are just joining us now, I would recommend you read this journey from the beginning. If you have already read most of it and are just missing yesterday's story go here.

By this time I was pretty calm (i.e. in the denial stage of grief). I walked in and Lauren was on the couch crying… no she was sobbing. Surprisingly I didn’t feel angry. I felt more annoyed with the fact that she was crying so much. Here I was, keeping it together, and I was the one who had just had my whole world turned upside down because of her and my husband.

I realize that if I were in her shoes I would have been crying too. I know that she might have been feeling guilty or ashamed, but I just wasn’t in a place where I really cared about that. I was being incredibly selfish by being annoyed with her tears, but I also felt like I had more of a right to be crying than she did.

As we sat down to talk she couldn’t even look at me, which wasn’t any different from the way she had treated me for the past few months. Tears running down her face, she had little to say. So numb, I hardly cried at all and tried to think of every question I could ask. My brain was going a mile a minute and couldn’t seem to remember all the questions I had tried to ask Jesse just four hours ago. I wish I would have written them down before I got there so I would have been able to get all my questions out and on the table.

If I’m being honest, looking back on that encounter, I would have done everything differently now. I would have waited at least a week to meet with her. I would have gotten myself together and made a list of talking points and questions. But I was not in my right mind when I called her. To re-do that sit down is something I think I will always wish I had a chance to do.

As we sat and I talked, I said, “I tried so hard to be friends with you and make you feel welcome. I was one of the only people to do that! How could you do this to me?” Her response was, “I know, I’m sorry.”

I then asked, “How could someone who was brought up in a good Christian family do this to someone else?” Her response…. “I was in a bad place in my life.” -- Which… looking back is a terrible question for me to ask because of course she was in a bad place (so was my husband) and who am I to put “Christians” on a pedestal and say they wouldn’t do something like this? Excuse me, Christian's do this and Christians make mistakes all the time!!!!! We all get in a bad place and make terrible choices, so I realize that was a stupid question to ask. But at the time I couldn’t see myself doing it as a Christian so I questioned it. Ya know?

I also asked her, what was it that made her dislike me so much that she would make this choice and devastate so many lives in the process? Her response… “Nothing, I’m so sorry.” Ok… I’m not saying my questions were clever and remember there was a lot of hurt behind each word spoken. I was just asking anything my mind could come up with because I knew I would never speak to her after this day.

I then asked her questions about my husband. I asked if my husband ever said anything nice at all about me (since I hadn’t heard one nice thing from his lips for the past 4 months of him being with her) and does he even love me anymore?  Her response… “He did say nice things about you and,” (looking at me in the eyes for the only time during our conversation) “he very much does love you. We were just both at a very low point in our lives and we just started talking when we shouldn’t have.”  I then asked, “Are you going to have a relationship with my husband?”  Her response… “No, we are done. I called him this afternoon and told him there can never be anything between us.”

I’m sure there were more questions asked and she did respectfully answer all the questions I threw at her. My mind had so many things running through it. I knew there were important questions I was missing.  As our conversation was wrapping up, Josh and Kelly (though they didn’t need to what-so-ever) apologized for assuming that Jesse was a “safe person” for her to be around. And for not reaching out more to ask questions when they thought something seemed fishy as well.

I finished our meeting by giving Lauren a hug and telling her I forgave her. Looking back now, that was a completely ridiculous thing to do. Bottom line was that I was pissed and in no way was I truly ready to forgive her. She had taken what was mine and helped to rip apart my family by putting her and my husband’s selfish needs before anyone else.  Her and Jesse were on my poop list, but for some reason I felt that I had to put on this face like I was ready to forgive her. Of course as a Christian I wanted to do that, but in no way was I actually ready to forgive. My world had just crumbled down around me… Processing all of this hadn’t even begun to start.  As everything finished up my friend Kelly walked me to my car and told me how proud she was of me and how well I kept it together. Honestly I couldn’t believe it myself. I smiled, gave her a hug and thanked her for being so awesome through this.

I then went back to my brother and sister-in-law’s new house to kind of process what had just happened. We all sat around and talked outside. I told them how the meeting went and what I THOUGHT I might do next. These were my best friends, the people who had helped me through the previous four months. They loved me through this and wanted the best for me. I had not thought things out that far in advance - things such as what I was going to do that night or tomorrow, but I do believe that I had made up my mind at that moment to fight for my marriage. I’m not sure how I expressed it, but I let them know that if there was a chance to save this crumbling marriage I was pretty sure I was going to take it.

Each of them lovingly gave me their opinions, trying so hard to remember that they were only upset for me and wanted the best for me. I listened to what each of them had to say. What Jesse put me through was unbearable and nobody deserves to be treated that way and my family wasn’t going to let this happen to me again. Needless to say, most of their opinions weren't leaning toward Jesse's favor. He had caused too much pain and most believed I could do better.

My brother Brent (who had been living with me this entire time) on the other hand, came close, looked me in the eyes and said quietly, “God put you together for a reason, and that is something I believe in.” In a day filled with no hope, my brother presented a glimpse of hope. He helped remind me that God brought us together and we had a family to fight for. I knew that’s what I was going to do even if I didn’t let Jesse in on it for a few days.

It was getting late now and I needed to get back to my baby boy, get him ready for bed and spend some good old snuggle time with him. If anything was good in my life, it was the love of my heavenly Father and my precious baby boy. As I walked into my house, I was SHOCKED to see Jesse sitting there with my mom, my cousin Jer and our good friend Bryan. They all looked at me to say something, but I was too tired to even deal with it so I took Jayden and ran upstairs to get us both ready for bed. I then heard the front door shut.

A few seconds later I saw Jesse walking down the hall heading to our room. I was surprised to see his wedding ring back on his finger. I said, “I thought you wanted a divorce.” He gave me this over-thought speech about how he thought about it some more and wanted to make it work now, and that he wanted to be completely honest with me.

My head was spinning. It was all just too much. We talked for a while, asking questions I KNOW I really didn’t want to hear and then I got so overwhelmed that I took three sleeping pills to stop my brain from thinking. Maybe not the wisest thing to do… but I needed to stop thinking.

Was this really happening? Was my husband really sorry for what he had done or was he just sorry that it had all come out? This was still far from over, but I just couldn’t think about it any longer that day. I was emotionally spent and I needed to get some sleep. I knew tomorrow was going to be just as hard.

QUESTION:  Would you all be upset if we didn't do questions tomorrow?  It's been a really tough week for me rehashing all this, more so than I originally thought it would be.  We have gotten a lot of great new questions this week and we will make sure to do them all next week.  Thank you all for understanding!  Hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend!  

I'm Not Alright

Sanctus Real