Thursday, April 21, 2011

July 21st 2008 – Part Three

If you are just joining us now, I would recommend you read this journey from the beginning. If you have already read most of it and are just missing yesterday's story go here.

By this time I was pretty calm (i.e. in the denial stage of grief). I walked in and Lauren was on the couch crying… no she was sobbing. Surprisingly I didn’t feel angry. I felt more annoyed with the fact that she was crying so much. Here I was, keeping it together, and I was the one who had just had my whole world turned upside down because of her and my husband.

I realize that if I were in her shoes I would have been crying too. I know that she might have been feeling guilty or ashamed, but I just wasn’t in a place where I really cared about that. I was being incredibly selfish by being annoyed with her tears, but I also felt like I had more of a right to be crying than she did.

As we sat down to talk she couldn’t even look at me, which wasn’t any different from the way she had treated me for the past few months. Tears running down her face, she had little to say. So numb, I hardly cried at all and tried to think of every question I could ask. My brain was going a mile a minute and couldn’t seem to remember all the questions I had tried to ask Jesse just four hours ago. I wish I would have written them down before I got there so I would have been able to get all my questions out and on the table.

If I’m being honest, looking back on that encounter, I would have done everything differently now. I would have waited at least a week to meet with her. I would have gotten myself together and made a list of talking points and questions. But I was not in my right mind when I called her. To re-do that sit down is something I think I will always wish I had a chance to do.

As we sat and I talked, I said, “I tried so hard to be friends with you and make you feel welcome. I was one of the only people to do that! How could you do this to me?” Her response was, “I know, I’m sorry.”

I then asked, “How could someone who was brought up in a good Christian family do this to someone else?” Her response…. “I was in a bad place in my life.” -- Which… looking back is a terrible question for me to ask because of course she was in a bad place (so was my husband) and who am I to put “Christians” on a pedestal and say they wouldn’t do something like this? Excuse me, Christian's do this and Christians make mistakes all the time!!!!! We all get in a bad place and make terrible choices, so I realize that was a stupid question to ask. But at the time I couldn’t see myself doing it as a Christian so I questioned it. Ya know?

I also asked her, what was it that made her dislike me so much that she would make this choice and devastate so many lives in the process? Her response… “Nothing, I’m so sorry.” Ok… I’m not saying my questions were clever and remember there was a lot of hurt behind each word spoken. I was just asking anything my mind could come up with because I knew I would never speak to her after this day.

I then asked her questions about my husband. I asked if my husband ever said anything nice at all about me (since I hadn’t heard one nice thing from his lips for the past 4 months of him being with her) and does he even love me anymore?  Her response… “He did say nice things about you and,” (looking at me in the eyes for the only time during our conversation) “he very much does love you. We were just both at a very low point in our lives and we just started talking when we shouldn’t have.”  I then asked, “Are you going to have a relationship with my husband?”  Her response… “No, we are done. I called him this afternoon and told him there can never be anything between us.”

I’m sure there were more questions asked and she did respectfully answer all the questions I threw at her. My mind had so many things running through it. I knew there were important questions I was missing.  As our conversation was wrapping up, Josh and Kelly (though they didn’t need to what-so-ever) apologized for assuming that Jesse was a “safe person” for her to be around. And for not reaching out more to ask questions when they thought something seemed fishy as well.

I finished our meeting by giving Lauren a hug and telling her I forgave her. Looking back now, that was a completely ridiculous thing to do. Bottom line was that I was pissed and in no way was I truly ready to forgive her. She had taken what was mine and helped to rip apart my family by putting her and my husband’s selfish needs before anyone else.  Her and Jesse were on my poop list, but for some reason I felt that I had to put on this face like I was ready to forgive her. Of course as a Christian I wanted to do that, but in no way was I actually ready to forgive. My world had just crumbled down around me… Processing all of this hadn’t even begun to start.  As everything finished up my friend Kelly walked me to my car and told me how proud she was of me and how well I kept it together. Honestly I couldn’t believe it myself. I smiled, gave her a hug and thanked her for being so awesome through this.

I then went back to my brother and sister-in-law’s new house to kind of process what had just happened. We all sat around and talked outside. I told them how the meeting went and what I THOUGHT I might do next. These were my best friends, the people who had helped me through the previous four months. They loved me through this and wanted the best for me. I had not thought things out that far in advance - things such as what I was going to do that night or tomorrow, but I do believe that I had made up my mind at that moment to fight for my marriage. I’m not sure how I expressed it, but I let them know that if there was a chance to save this crumbling marriage I was pretty sure I was going to take it.

Each of them lovingly gave me their opinions, trying so hard to remember that they were only upset for me and wanted the best for me. I listened to what each of them had to say. What Jesse put me through was unbearable and nobody deserves to be treated that way and my family wasn’t going to let this happen to me again. Needless to say, most of their opinions weren't leaning toward Jesse's favor. He had caused too much pain and most believed I could do better.

My brother Brent (who had been living with me this entire time) on the other hand, came close, looked me in the eyes and said quietly, “God put you together for a reason, and that is something I believe in.” In a day filled with no hope, my brother presented a glimpse of hope. He helped remind me that God brought us together and we had a family to fight for. I knew that’s what I was going to do even if I didn’t let Jesse in on it for a few days.

It was getting late now and I needed to get back to my baby boy, get him ready for bed and spend some good old snuggle time with him. If anything was good in my life, it was the love of my heavenly Father and my precious baby boy. As I walked into my house, I was SHOCKED to see Jesse sitting there with my mom, my cousin Jer and our good friend Bryan. They all looked at me to say something, but I was too tired to even deal with it so I took Jayden and ran upstairs to get us both ready for bed. I then heard the front door shut.

A few seconds later I saw Jesse walking down the hall heading to our room. I was surprised to see his wedding ring back on his finger. I said, “I thought you wanted a divorce.” He gave me this over-thought speech about how he thought about it some more and wanted to make it work now, and that he wanted to be completely honest with me.

My head was spinning. It was all just too much. We talked for a while, asking questions I KNOW I really didn’t want to hear and then I got so overwhelmed that I took three sleeping pills to stop my brain from thinking. Maybe not the wisest thing to do… but I needed to stop thinking.

Was this really happening? Was my husband really sorry for what he had done or was he just sorry that it had all come out? This was still far from over, but I just couldn’t think about it any longer that day. I was emotionally spent and I needed to get some sleep. I knew tomorrow was going to be just as hard.

QUESTION:  Would you all be upset if we didn't do questions tomorrow?  It's been a really tough week for me rehashing all this, more so than I originally thought it would be.  We have gotten a lot of great new questions this week and we will make sure to do them all next week.  Thank you all for understanding!  Hope you all have a wonderful Easter weekend!  


Cara S. said...

And now I'm.crying for you my friend. Your strength is amazing then AND now! Truly an example of selfless love both to Jesse and to your fAmily and friends. Can't wait to hang out tonight.

Anonymous said...

I know you said you wish you could have done things differently as far as waiting to meet with lauren but I think you so well. The only reason I would have waited would be not for you...but because I would have wanted lauren to have to sit with it all and let her suffer a little more and think more about what she did. I feel like the "apology" from her would have been a little more heart felt if she could have said it without sobbing. Sounds like she was more sorry it all came out than truly sorry for what they did. I know I am judging here but that is just my opinion. I don't know where she is now but man I hope she caught wind of this series and is reading this.

Unknown said...

Happy Easter Lyr and Jesse! This story has been so heartbreaking this week. I feel like I have cheated on a test reading a book and reading the last chapter first, because as heartbreaking as it is, I'm already feeling so amazed knowing how the story ends. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for the both of you to share, I hope you take this weekend to not think about it all and spend time as the wonderful family you are.

Katie A. said...

I know this hasn't been easy for you, but I appreciate you opening up and sharing. It has made me relive the night everything came out in my own marriage...and it's been good to see things from the other person's perspective. I know how hard it must be to relive this journey and those feelings, but know that God is using your and your journey to speak to the hearts of others :)

Mrs. Dirnberger said...

Again..I could say it a hundrend thousand times what a REMARKABLE women you are!

Unknown said...

you are so brave. I can't imagine going through this and blogging about it. And no, I (and I'm sure others) won't mind if you didnt do questions tomorrow. I have one question though: I saw on your side bar a countdown to the philly marathon, are you doing it this year?!

More Than Words said...

You write so well, Lyr. It's like I could feel your emotions as I read this. I feel like I'm reading a book. I mean that in a good way, of course.

Melissa G said...

Thank you both for sharing your story. Lyr, don't do the questions if you don't feel up to it, there's no pressure from us to get it done.
Enjoy your Easter weekend!

Megan Ashley said...

Happy Easter my sweet friend! I think that taking a break from qeustions will be good for you. Go enjoy your family this weekend and rest :) You have been putting your heart out there for all of us, and I cannot imagine how you might be feeling right now. I know that I hate reliving Scott's affair. It is all too painful and I struggle when people ask questions at times. Many ((HUGS)) Have a blessed and wonderful weekend

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I say ditch the questions. It's Easter weekend. You need a break. This has been a rough week to put this all out there. Its your blog, your choice...and you need a much deserved break! ;)

I apologize for being one of the friends who was of the mindset to just rid yourself of Jesse at first. In hindsight, that was NOT Godly at all. But, you're right-it was definitely more of the protection factor of YOU and jayden versus being anti-reconcilation. xo

Trina said...

Take tomorrow off from the series, I know it has been a hard week for you Lyryn. I'm praying for you friend!

Chicago Mom (Heather) said...

You deserve a break from all this. It's hard to relive painful moments from our past!!

Have a wonderful Easter weekend. Do something nice for yourself!

Anonymous said...

Are you kidding? I don't think anyone could blame you for wanting to take a brief hiatus from reliving (in front of the world) some of the most painful days, conversations, and feelings of your life. Besides, that'll just give everyone an extra day to think of more questions. :) I hope you and Jesse (and family) have a wonderful Easter weekend with a renewed sense of how much God loves us and exactly what Christ did for us!

Karissa Patterson said...

Thank you... this stirs so many things inside me... I hope one day our story is as miraculous as yours... have a good weekend off =)

Meredith said...

I totally understand what you said about feeling obliged to tell Lauren that you forgave her. We've been talking a lot recently in Bible Study about how there's kind of a misconception about forgiveness in our faith sometimes--that forgiveness does NOT mean that the relationship is restored. It does NOT mean that there aren't consequences for the actions. It does NOT mean that trust is immediately given again. Sometimes, I think that we perceive it to include all those things and feel torn when we aren't ready to give them.

Anyway, YES, take a break tomorrow. I've been thinking about you tons these last couple of days (I'm counting down the days for this week to be over as well, but for a different reason). What a BLESSING it is that we both have the hope of Easter Sunday to look forward to at the end of our awful weeks!

Meggers said...

I love your blog. I can't wait until you post everyday. It is such good writing. My family did not survive my father's infidelity, so now I am just a support to my mom each day, so hearing your story of redemption and that all things are possible through Christ is SUCH a hope to me. Not a hope that my family will ever be one again, but to see that families can make it through this is inspiring. You are such an inspiration and I hope you know that. Thank you. Love and Happy Easter!

Lily said...

You are a beautiful person, and I am so encouraged by your honesty in all these posts. It is so great to be able to read something real, ya know? to read about how God's grace can transform lives in the hardest of circumstances... it is really inspiring. I know it is difficult though, praying for y'all!

Have a great Easter weekend! :)


LucieP said...

I totally agree with the no questions! Its Holy Thursday and that's the last place you want your mind to be in!!
I don't know if I would have the courage to confront the girl. Who knows though- I just wonder if it would be hard for me to be civil.
I'm glad God's grace had you at the moment and Lauren didn't make two people on your hood that day!

Hailey @ Me and My Boys said...

Oh gosh, I just want to give you a big hug. Definitely take some time off. This has got to be hard to relive it in your head. Have a happy and blessed Easter weekend with your family. xoxo.

Anonymous said...

Now being on the end that Jesse was on in all this, reading all of this floods me with our story. Thank you for sharing it. It is hard to let people in on what those first moments look like. I have never been able to express the shame, regret, brokenness, that would every convey the pain we find ourselves in. It is horrific. For those who read this and have (and I pray never) go through this, the glimpse of pain you see doesn't compare to the pain felt. The group who knew for us was small and kept it VERY quiet. But friends knew something was wrong and we still haven't been able to share it two years later with many close friends. I don't even share my blog with them since we have not shared our story with many.

For me being in the other womans shoes, I would love a chance to apologize after two years. I know that it would never change her feelings towards me, and rightfully so, but I hope that one day whether she likes me or not she can forgive me. I honestly would take the opportunity to just let her verbally throw up on me and not say anything except to try and express my deep regret for the pain I caused her and our families. I can never justify or ever defend my actions they were WRONG. I was WRONG. I just think she deserves right to unload. Sometimes we all feel better about doing that and then we can move on.
Thank you again for sharing. God is going to do amazing things with your story.

Amanda @ New Adventures said...

Sorry this week has been tough on you. Good idea to take a break for the weekend and enjoy your Easter. I hope you have a great Easter with your family!

Anonymous said...

What a brave woman you are to delve back into the nitty gritty details of the past and to relive it. I ache for you as my heart knows the same feeling and I can't imagine reliving the vivid details you've shared through the past few posts. You are such an encouragement! You help me see that my reactions weren't crazy and that there is hope for my marriage. Thank you so much for being willing to share your story and relive your immense pain. You are such a blessing!

Ashley said...

you are so strong. Thanks again for sharing this story

Unknown said...

I've been following your story, and I'm just amazed. I'm in awe of your strength and all that God is doing for your family. I was driving to work the other morning, and I heard a song that made me think of this journey. It's called 7x70 by Chris August. Check it out if you have time!