Tuesday, April 19, 2011

July 21st 2008 – Part One

I’m that girl you make fun of in the movies.  The one who walks upstairs in the dark after hearing the world's scariest noise and then ends up dying for being so stupid just because she wanted to see what that crazy noise was. I never thought I would fall for it. How stupid could I be? Like that girl in the movies, I just kept telling myself that there wasn’t anything scary to worry about and walked into the disappointment of my life.

I. Am. That. Girl!

That morning as I woke up, I had no idea what was about to happen. Though I was still confused about why Jesse was crying in the shower the night before, I decided to let it go because the last thing he wanted me to do was nag him about that. That morning at work Jesse stopped by my desk and asked me to read this letter he put carefully in an envelope. I opened it up and there in plain sight was his resignation letter for his job. Now I was really confused!!! What the heck was going on? This made no sense. I knew he was frustrated with his job, but to quit?   I was hurt that I wasn't even included in this discussion.  That was our livelihood, what was he going to do? Was he going to find a new job? Why hadn’t he talked to me about this? 

I went into the showroom as calmly as possible and asked him quietly to come out and discuss this with me. He was pretty much in tears and was not saying a word. I begged him to tell me what was wrong. I didn’t like seeing him so distraught. Though I had suffered months of hurt and rejection, I still loved him with all my heart and hated to see him in so much pain. He told me he couldn’t talk about it right then and that he would tell me on his lunch break. Needless to say, MY DAY WAS SHOT! Every situation was going through my head - yes even that one. I did as much work as I could and eagerly waited for 2pm to roll around.

As he walked into our home, he was still in tears. I knelt at his feet (again), told him I loved him and asked him to please tell me what was going on. The first words out of his mouth were, “You were right.” I knew exactly what he meant. It took a minute; I mean a good few minutes to sink in because at first I felt nothing. I then asked, “Do you love her, do you want to be with her or me? Do you even love me anymore?” He simply replied, “I don’t know.”

After a minute of processing all the lies, places and all the things he was absent for because of her, I could no longer hold it in. “YOU DON’T KNOW?!?!” I FREAKED out. I mean went completely AWOL on his ass. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t keep myself from wanting to kill him and then driving over and stabbing her with the same knife that was just plunged into my heart. There was no more composed, sweet, understanding Lyryn. There was no more being Christ-like.  There was no more giving him understanding for all the crap he put me through these past four months.  There was absolutly no more respect for his feelings or thoughts.

Unfortunately, in all the anger and chaos I was not being a very good mother either… you might even call me the worst mother ever. Poor Jayden saw the whole thing. To this day I regret that I couldn’t keep myself together long enough to put him first. I screamed and hit Jesse and hit him pretty hard. I chased him up the stairs and almost threw his brand new iPhone at the wall so that his precious connection line to her would no longer work. I felt like I had multiple personality disorder that no medication could ever cure. One moment telling him to get out and never come back, to then showing moments of weakness and being scared of losing all that we had together and then asking if he still wanted me in his life.

He saw how pissed off I was and how uncontrollable I was acting and he didn’t want to deal with it right then. After all, he had just lost the person closest to him (in his head) so he had more to worry about than how I was reacting to all of this. He was so ticked off by the way I was acting that he told me he wanted a divorce and then said he was going back to work. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! He was not getting off that easy, so if you think I was crazy before, you are going to think I completely lost it after I tell you what happened next.

I snatched up Jesse’s keys from him and I left Jayden in bouncer knowing that Jesse couldn’t go anywhere without his keys and I ran to my car to drive off. Obviously Jesse wasn’t going to have that, so he went commando on me and jumped on the hood of my car so I wouldn’t drive off with his keys. Well crazy me, I wasn’t going to let that stop me since he had just shattered my hopes and dreams into oblivion. So I literally drove down the block with him hanging on to the hood of my car. Yes, I realize that wasn’t safe in the least, but honestly I wasn’t in my right mind at the time and he wasn’t exactly talking me off the ledge here. I’m aware that I did a million things wrong that day that I should have never even considered doing, but safety (and Jesse’s at that) wasn’t my concern right then. My concern was that my heart was broken and my family was about to fall apart despite the fact that I was close to killing the father of my child!!!!

After I got to the end of the block something clicked inside me. I felt like God was saying, “STOP, let him be. I will take care of him!” In an instant I stopped being mentally unstable Lyryn and went back to being the woman that God had been training these past few months. I realized that God was in control and yet again, I could not change who Jesse had become. I asked him nicely to get off the hood of my car, gave him back his keys and drove back to get my son. Jesse went back to work leaving the last thing being said between us that he wanted a divorce.

I wasn’t going to let Lauren off so easily either. After ignoring me for the past few months I knew what was really going on now and it all made complete sense. I dialed Lauren’s number and calmly and composed as can be said, “When can I see you? You at least owe me that.” She agreed and we discussed a time. Unfortunately there were still so many hours to kill before that ever-anticipated meeting and so many people to tell what had just happened.

Come back tomorrow for part 2...


Anonymous said...

My son was also there and I do regret him seeing me that way. Except mine wasn't angry mine was shock, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't talk all I could do was cry and barely hold myself up. My son fell to the ground with me and asked "mommy why you crying?" I did compose myself until a family member came to get him. THEN the "f" bombs and the anger came. We were white trash for about 20 minutes, i never am one to use such horrible language, but let's be honest that's what they were doing.
It's amazing how they "know" how we will react. I have told my husband for years if you EVER cheat on me I will cut your penis off and you won't have to ever worry about that being a problem for you again and I WILL divorce you and PUBLICALLY humiliate you, however that didnt happen. I like you still loved my husband and wanted to keep this family together. It's amazing how God can completely equip you for EVERY situation if you allow him too.
I love hearing your story!!
Please don't make me wait until tomorrow before you tell me about "Lauren" :)

Unknown said...

I have a question for your Friday! Please hear my heart on this and that I have zero intentions of being disrespectful to either of you. I am not intending to be rude, passive aggressive or anything of the sort.

I'm curious to hear from Jesse what reaction he expected when he confessed to you. Lyryn, although you admit that your reaction to the affair was out of control and you made many mistakes during those few moments, but you mentioned how angry Jesse was at your reaction. I understand this was a time of confusion for Jesse that he still had not accepted the lies he had convinced himself of, and your actions combined with that would not create an ideal outcome.

What I guess I'm trying to say is, Jesse, what outcome/reaction did you envision or expect when you told Lyryn the truth?

I'm so sorry this is so long, but I so badly want to make sure that my question does not come across disrespectfully to either of you.

Unknown said...

My heart was beating very fast while reading how you reacted when Jesse told you, I would have done the same.

Jarod said...

Wow, I must admit that I laughed at little as I pictured the whole scene of driving down the street with your husband as a hood ornament. But it is so cool to know that no matter where we find ourselves - even somewhere between a fit of rage and utter despair - God speaks and He can reach us!

Tonja said...

I only know you through bloggy land and email, but I have to say that I kinda giggled a little when I was reading how you acted when you found out. You seem like the sweetest, kindest person in the world and I can not picture you going crazy like that.

I thought that is how my husband was going to react when he found out as well, but he was so calm about it all that I wanted so badly for him to go crazy on me. I think it would have been better in the long run. I know if the tables had been turned I would have done the same thing as you did.

Cara S. said...

Omg. That is all I can say. I think you handled yourself exactly how anyone who loves someone and cares would! Don't ever beat yourself up about that.

Unknown said...

...No judging you for driving with him on your hood. Honestly, I found myself smiling, only because I would have seriously tried to throw him off. I can't even imagine the pain and hurt and.... everything else. I'm sorry. But, yes, even if it wasn't the "right way" to handle the situation... I think all of us woman [get it].

Don't hate for for saying I was smiling. It's not funny. It's just the image in my head as I was reading. No need to apologize or explain how crazy you got... I'm sure if I were going through that... [I'll leave it there.]

Anonymous said...

Completely understand.

In that one moment, when all of the betrayal and lies become a reality, there's really no point in trying to control ourselves.

BTW, I did throw my husband brand new phone right at him. It hit the ground and fell into 3 pieces. Unfortunately, it wasn't really broken.

Hailey @ Me and My Boys said...

Still reading over here. Ugh, this whole thing is just making my heart ache for you. Thank the Lord this ends well, or I may not be able to handle it! :)
I have to admit, I've acted in a similar way too. But this was back when we were dating and I found out he'd been seeing someone else during and right after he broke up with me.
Anyways, I know the feeling. Love how God was still able to reach you and snap you out of the anger, just long enough to save Jesse. :)

Moments and Impressions said...

My heart hurts for how you must have felt. Him not knowing what he wanted and then asking for a divorce... I am impressed that you managed to get it together at all.

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I know this has to be hard to retell. And talking about your immediate sense of 'out of control' and all that must be SO hard, but it is so normal too. By you putting this out there you are showing other women/men they aren't alone. Those feelings are raw. I'd definitely go psycho-crazy-woman too. I totally would. love ya.

Trina said...

Praying for you Lyryn! I'm sure it's hard to retell and rehash all the details from that day. Hope you are doing well my friend! Love ya!

Abby said...

I love you and totally get you.....Praying that God protects your heart as you retell the details...and that God will reach hurting woman who think they are all alone.

Chicago Mom (Heather) said...

I would've reacted the same way (and I have in bad fights in bad relationships...) We've all had those moments where anger overtakes us!

Amanda @ New Adventures said...

I love this post because it reminded me that God is in control even when were not!

I truly feel that you and Jesse sharing your story is part of God's plan to help so many others understand!