Though I prayed for peace the night before, that wasn’t going to stop the enemy from trying. I woke up with this heaviness on my chest and deep sense of fear. A restlessness of all the “what if's… how come's …and why me’s.” Every one of those thoughts passed through my head as my feet touched the floor. I had been dreading this day, a day that holds no significance but to only a few. I prayed this would be a quick day, but what few understand is that this is only the beginning. For the next few months I will be reminded of things that were said and thing that were done. Specific dates and times that will triggers memories and remind me of the pain my heart went through. Is there something wrong with me? Is this pure foolishness?
Walking slowly to the bathroom trying not to wake my little one, a tear rolled down my cheek. Has it already been a year? I feel like it was just yesterday. Today is a reminder of one little decision that would completely change lives forever. A step of pure selfishness in its most naked form. Am I the only one that is reminded of what today could have meant? Or is this just the pain that hasn't gone away for me, just yet?
With my head in my hands, only one little word could escape from my lips "Jesus!" Just a whisper, that's all it took to hear my savior answer back. As I sat in a ball next to the tub, I felt a warm breeze come over me.
Some might say it was my heat turning on, but I know better. As I sat in silence, I imaged my heavenly daddy holding me like a little girl who just scraped her knee. He took my hand and placed it on my heart and said, “Lyryn, are you going to let the enemy win today?”
The only thing I could muster back was a squeaky little “No,” but in my heart, I was screaming it! I got to me feel with little grace, but much authority and a fist full of righteous anger; I quietly proclaimed that Satan had no authority over my thoughts and no authority in my home. I was determined for him not win anything today. I quickly got ready, kissed my husband goodbye and headed off to the last placed I wanted to be today.
I can tell you that the enemy sure did try his best; but Gods grace was saturating me today. There was times where memories flooded my thoughts and there were places that were off limits. But I know that God is doing something big in these next few months. I know healing is coming, and these fears and hurts are slowing going to fade. Though there are people out there that think I should be way passed this…
I know I’m healing at just the right rate. My heart still has so many unanswered questions and still so many hurts, but in time healing will come.
This year will be different. :)