What I Want to be When I Grow Up

For the past week, I have been having a really hard time trying to find a place for myself. I quiet frequently find myself asking “What do I want to be when I grow up?” I feel so dumb saying it, but I just don’t think I have figured it out yet. I always thought I knew what I wanted to be, but I’m beginning to think that it wasn’t something I really cared enough about. Wasn’t I supposed to figure this out five years ago? Shouldn’t I already know?

When I was little, all I wanted to be was a teacher. I was the girl who asked for those “teacher play kits” for Christmas. The kits that came with a chalkboard, report cards, stickers, all that fun stuff! I would play almost every day at my friend Jennie’s house and we would play school. Whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be, it was a teacher. Looking back now, I think I must have been completely crazy! Teaching?!?!?! I would have to say teaching is most defiantly not a gift of mine. I get to frustrated, impatient and completely annoyed if people just don’t get it. There are some things I can teach in moderation, such as dance or maybe how to do something on a computer, but that too will bother me after a while.

During college I changed my major 4 times and got nowhere in the process. I have a million credits and not a thing to put them towards. I started out as secondary Ed major (craziness, I know), then moved to biblical studies, and then to social work and then my last move was to business. Obviously I had no idea what I wanted to be and have limited ability to make up my darn mind! So I guess to make sense of everything, I thought dropping out of school and getting married was a far better idea.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret most of the discussion I’ve made from then until now. I married my high school sweetheart and I’m a firm believer of “on the job training.” Yes, I could have made different choices in my life, but how different would they have really been? Would I still be questioning this very thing? Or would it have taken me longer to discover what has been pressing at my soul?

All I know is that I want to do something in my life that will bring me joy and be worth something! It has taken me a while to get to this point to even think that I am even capable of more; for so long I have only seen myself in someone else’s shadow. But I’m beginning to see new light and better days! I have dreams of being someone great, changing people’s lives and changing my own all for the glory of God. I no longer see myself in the shadow of others, but as an equal and someone who can stand her own ground.

So, what am I going to be when I grow up? That question has still not been answered, but I think I’m ok with this for now. I believe that God is slowly making me into what he has called me to be, and refining me each and every day to be the woman he is preparing me to be. I will fall and I will fail, (even make horrendous grammar and spelling mistakes in this blog) but my God will never lead me off the path as I continue to grow up. I know that someday, I’ll finally know what I’m supposed to be when I grow up!

Psalm 73: 23-26
23 Yet I still belong to you;
you hold my right hand.
24 You guide me with your counsel,
leading me to a glorious destiny.
25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth.
26 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever.