- I did not come off the Fourth of July weekend feeling refreshed and ready to go. I didn't not think that this was going to be an easy week by any means and that things were going to be calm and peaceful. This past week… I had no emotions what-so-ever. I did not cry, I did not yell, I was not happy. I was fully expecting my world to be turned in every direction, all in a matter of 5 days! (You think I would have learned by now!)
- I didn't and still am pretty disappointed that I got to experience the most beautiful thing ever by attending the birth of my sister’s baby. I did not cry the entire way to the hospital, knowing that my sister was about to make one of the hardest decisions of her life and how she would fall madly in-love with this person she was caring for 9 months. I didn't think that this was going to be so hard for her. I didn't think that she was going into this so blind.
- It did not break my heart to see my sister leap for her baby as he came out and then watch her as she tried to hold back every tear or sign of emotion. I was not in shock that my sis, after giving birth, pulled out her cell phone and started texting people while they were still removing the placenta. I did not have a soaking wet foot and a pool of blood by my feet after Dylan came out; and in no way would I have been grossed out by it if it did. ;) I did not take over 200 pictures of Dylan, load them all on my computer, edit them and get them on facebook all in about 3 hours... that is just crazy and could never be done!
- I didn't spend two day going back and forth with my sister and her boyfriend trying to figure out the emotions she was feeling concerning this decision she was about to make. I did not get angry, I did not get sad and in no way did I get frustrated. I did not call my mom in a panic and tell her I had no idea what I was doing and that I needed to speak to a "Professional" before I pulled my hair out; and at that very moment have a social worker walk right past me and ask if I needed help. (How ironic) It did not take us 3 hours to get to a house that should have only taken 45 minutes to get to. After everything was done on Friday night I did not tell Henry and Johnna they could... um... well, I'll keep that one to myself. ;)
- My heart did not break this past Friday, when my pregnant sister-in-love called me to tell me that there was no heartbeat when they did the ultrasound. I did not cry like a baby and scream at God about how freaking messed up this was!!!!! I did not feel like I lost, yet another niece or nephew on the very same day my sister was letting her baby go. I was in no way honored or humbled that my sister (sister-in-love) chose to call me; when she wanted to speak to no one because of this pain.
- I did not think that anything else could go wrong this week - it didn't. (It did)
- I did not do battle with the enemy this week, not one bit! I did not tell him that my family and close friends are off limits and he has no authority in our lives. I did not plead with God to show mercy and grant grace for all that has happened. I did not give glory for all that God is about to do and did not acknowledge Him for what He has already done. I did not pray for peace for all that needed it, and that this week would hold brighter days for all. I just don’t care enough to do that type of stuff.
In all seriousness - This week has been a tough one for my family. There are hard things, sad things, and even better things to come from these past 5 days. We know that God is in control and He is teaching each and every one of us new things every day.
For me, I learned more about myself and what I am truly capable of and strengths I never knew I had. In the midst of all of this I found that I love coaching young mom’s during labor and might want to explore what it would take to become a midwife. I also talked and worked very close with one of the social workers at Paoli Hospital; by the end of this process she asked me to come work for her as an advocate for young mothers and mother requesting adoption plans. I’m pretty sure you need a degree to do something like that. But it’s something I defiantly want to look into.
So many people go into an adoption plan without really knowing anything. I think people need to be more informed. There are so many things wrong with the system, so many things that people don’t see or even understand. Maybe this is God’s way of tugging on my heart and telling me to make a difference. I’m just waiting on Him now.