Thursday, February 4, 2010

Ugly Insecurities

My entire life I have struggled with insecurities. I think most woman do throughout their life time, but for me it has been a constant battle of mind, body and soul for as long as I can remember. I have never felt beautiful, I always feel fat and I never receive a compliment! There have also been times in my life that I have taken it to the extreme and not eaten for days (no, not as a pregnant woman, I eat fine when I’m pregnant). I have come to a point where I am done with these feelings and always thinking less of who I really am or who God has intended me to be.

Pregnancy sure doesn’t help these insecurities; in fact it makes them a million times worse to deal with. I go through times of severe depression and choose to pick out every “ugly” thing about me instead of focusing on the amazing little blessing growing inside me (terribly selfish, I know). Trust me, I know this doesn’t help and I know somehow I could be putting a spiritual pressure on this beautiful little bundle; which should give me all the more reason to try to understand where these insecurities got their start and cut them off. Even after an amazing 13 week course through Elijah House, focusing a lot of time getting to the “root” of personal strong holds, I still can’t figure out why I’m so terribly insecure.

I need to stop living in such bondage. It has caused too much hurt and is a major stumbling block in my personal, marital and spiritual growth. I am making it a personal and public goal for the next few weeks to really examine my heart and find the “root” or “roots” of why I feel the way I do. Why would anyone want to live like this forever?

I want to understand why I always feel that I am less than every other person around me. I want to understand why I always feel that what I have to say doesn’t really matter.
I want to stop believing that I’m not smart enough to write a book.
I want to stop walking into a room and feeling that I’m the ugliest person in there and comparing myself to everyone around me.
I want to be ok with not being the most perfect mother and wife, because honestly I don’t think a perfect mother or wife exists.
I want to be ok with knowing that I’ll never be that girl who can fit into a size 0 jean, because ladies… I have CURVES.
I want to be ok with knowing my life hasn’t always turned out the way I may have imagined, but to KNOW that God has something better in store because of the things I have walked through.

There is good in everything and I just want to be able to more clearly see it instead of thinking so little of myself. I deserve better, God planned for better for me. Ultimately, I am the one keeping myself from coming to a place of peace and healing so that I can truly walk in freedom. I am who God made me to be, and I’m the only one stopping myself from becoming everything that God intended. I want to finally be free to be me.

Francesca Battistelli - Free To Be Me

What about you? Is there something that is holding you back from being all God wants you to be? I challenge you to also look inside yourself and break free from whatever insecurities that may be holding you back from walking in the freedom and greatness God has planned out of you. I want to see more women free from insecurities! I will be praying for you!


SusanD said...

Oh my! I know EXACTLY how you have felt. I have been there too many times to count. I love that song Free To Be Me! Tuesday, I purchased Beth Moore's new book, So Long Insecurities and am joining her and other Siestas studying this book. Thanks for your honest, heart-felt post. Blessings, SusanD

{Kimber} said...

i have had this same struggle...the feeling of "not being enough" is tough

but trust me you ARE beautiful :)
hang in there

Mrs. A said...

oh sweet lady... I feel like you ripped the words right out of my heart I constantly feel this way. I want you to know I think your a beautiful person inside and out and your heart shimmers with beauty everytime you write. For what it's worth I would read a book you wrote :)

A song that has helped me is "Perfet People" by Natalie Grant the chorus is "there's no such thing as perfect people, there's no such thing as a perfect life, so come as you are, broken and scarred, and be amazed and be changed by a perfect God" This song constantly reminds me that I'm not perfect but neither is anyone else. :)

I'm praying for you to see yourself as others do as the special unique beautiful person and amazingly gifted writer you are :)

Megan aka Mommy, Mom, Honey, The Boss... said...

I have had/do have a lot of those same feelings and insecurities. It is tough in general to be a woman, and when you see so many out tehre that may be more beautiful, more talented, more focused, it sets us on a path of self distruction. I think that the best thing is to just try and find all of those small things that do make us feel good and grow off of those, instead of the bad. I found this yesterday and I just loved it, enjoy (I did not write this and I take no credit for it)!

A Poem About Our Girlfriends

Someone will always be prettier.

Someone will always be smarter.

Some of their houses will be bigger.

Some will drive a better car.

Their children will do better in school.

And their husband will fix more things around the house.

So let it go, and love you and your circumstances

Think about it!

The prettiest woman in the world can have hell in her heart.

The most highly favored woman on your job may be unable to have children.

The richest woman you know, she's got the car, the house, the clothes~ might be lonely.

So, love who you are.

Look in the mirror in the morning and smile and say,

“I am too Blessed to be Stressed and too Anointed, to be Disappointed!”

“Winners make things happen~~ Losers let things happen.”

Be “Blessed” ladies and pass this on to encourage another woman.

“To the world you might be one person, to me you are special!”

Lauren said...

Thanks for posting this...& I LOVE that song! I have also struggled with insecurity & always worrying about what others think of me. Thankfully I now have a great group of women who lift me up on a regular basis & a husband who loves me for the beautiful woman I am. God certainly did create us all in his image & we are all perfect in his eyes.

Chicago Mom said...

Lyr... you ARE beautiful inside and out. I also struggle with major insecurities. When I look in the mirror I always pick apart the things I don't like about myself. Maybe all women do this? It's sad.

I wish I got more compliments from my husband. When we first met he couldn't compliment me enough. Now - he never does. Sadly I just think that's part of settling into marriage. I know he loves me and he tells me so daily.

I try to see my body as a gift from God. He created me this way - so it must be good.

Being free from self critique would be amazing. It's something I need to work towards too.

God Bless you and your beautiful pregnant self. :-)

Katie said...

Seriously...that song spoke to me for a loooooooong time a few months ago. I had to listen to it MULTIPLE times a day. I love it so much so that I was just telling Sue the other day that I want the phrase "Free to be Me..." to be in my little girls nursery...I don't want her to ever feel she can't be herself or be the beautiful person God's called her to be. I want to speak this over her from the I'm still pretty sure that phrase will make it in her room somewhere.

Anyway--all women struggle with this type of thing (it seems), but I agree, you've been feeling it way too much and its time to dig it up and burn it and move on. You are a beautiful, strong, and loving person and YOU have to see that for yourself and believe it.

Mrs. McB said...

What a wonderful post. I think we all need to dig deep and bring these feelings out. I have often felt many of the same feelings. Although I don't know you, you seem like a wonderful person. You are beautiful and have a kind soul. Thank you for sharing this post.

morgan823 said...

This was a GREAT post. I understand exactly how you feel. I hope you are able to figure out where the root of the problem is. But know no matter what your a beautiful woman inside and out! I really need to do the same thing and figure out why I am the way I am or why I do certain things or don't do them. Great post that made me think about ALOT.

Renae said...

I can totally relate! I've struggled with a plethora of eat disorders for over half my life.

I never feel like I'm good enough. I'm mediocre at everything I do.
I take everything personally.

Thanks for this post! It's encouraging to know that others feel like you do. :-)

You are an awesome, beautiful daughter of a king :-)

And if it makes you feel any better I always thought you seemed like a awesome girl that I would love to get to know better. :-)

Gina said...

I used to have these same bad, in fact, that I went through therapy for years. And I am so glad I did. I highly recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy if you are interested in that route. I admit, too, I've had a rough go of it this pregnancy. Not sure what that's about, but I keep reminding myself that it's a choice to feel happy. Good luck, chica.

Hi, I'm Susan! said...

so proud of you for expressing yourself and your feelings. that's part of the healing process (as you know)! it's a daily battle to choose to believe truth or lies and i pray God continues to give you the strength to hear what HE says about you. you are beautiful, strong, intelligent, creative, loyal... the list goes on! thank you for being YOU!

Brittany Ann said...

Excellent post! I think you described the feeling of so many of our hearts quite perfectly! Thank you for being brave enough to do so!

And remember, we are made in His image! Which means we are beautiful and perfect in Him! I know it's still hard to believe (I struggle with it, too) but it is a comfort!

Praying for you!

Alicia said...

I think we all feel this in one way or another I agree it would be great for all women to feel free to be themselves. I'll be praying for too! :)

I have noticed that these feeling sometimes come when we do not feel at ease to be ourselves around certain people. I used to be that way and decided one day that frankly I was sick of it. My mottow from there on out was. "If you're going to love me, then you're going to love me for who I am, not who you think I should be." Because of this there are a few people who are no longer in my life, but I am better by it. I still struggle with insecurity no doubt, but this helped me for sure.

I also wanted to thank you for your honesty. This is one of the reasons I love your blog and I love the way you explain the thoughts in your head. You should write a book!

I'll leave you with a quote I love. "I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
-Marilyn Monroe

Erin said...

I think being pregnant makes everything harder and makes your emotions that much more deep. I know that with this pregnancy I have been a lot more emotional and one of my problems is is that I will cry in the shower when no one knows or can see instead of talking to my husband or a friend about it.

My husband is horrible at telling me I am pretty and all that that goes with it. It only bugs me on the days that I really try or that I feel really pretty and he doesnt say anything.

It's hard . . just remember talking about things or writting things down is a great way to get things out of your system just like you did here on the blog.. Don't you feel a lot better after writing it?

Thinking about you!

Cara S. said...

Lyr- First of all you are a gem and I love you (and I miss you...dinner eh?) next, it is so wierd that you posted this becasue I was going to email you and suggest that maybe we get some ladies together (maybe even through your blog...hmmmm) and read the new Beth Moore, "So Long Insecurities". I think you have a lot of readers that would love to join us in reading this book together and you could host something through your blog... something to think about....

Jennifer said...

Hi,I popped over here from LeAnna's blog.
I can totally relate to this post. I have never felt pretty...I have always compared myself and have been overly critical.
I've never felt smart, or like I was any good at anything.
It is bondage, and it is also so mentally draining.

The Bilslands said...

Yes Ma'am, I know the feelings... thanks for sharing =)

One of my goals this year is to just say "thank you" when I get a compliment, not "oh, thanks but..." ugh. I hate that.

It is a constant struggle but prayer helps immensely for me! Saying a prayer for you today too~


holly-lynn said...

such an amazing honest post. the exact reason i started my blog - to open my heart more, use my brain more & have courage to take the next step.

Abby said...

Love reading your posts and think you're beautiful! Especially pregnant!

Stephanie said...

I feel very much the same way. I love how you worded your post-true to your heart!

Lilly, Matt, and Sara said...

I am praying for you--I know it is so tough to not be critical about ourselves as women!

LeAnna said...

These were great thoughts! My Mom and I were just talking yesterday about how the promotion and honoring of self is ultimately the (wrong!) goal of all human beings. Take for instance low self esteem and insecurity - what is it really and truly? Nothing more than an indirect manifestation of selfishness! It's so true, though! When Paul said we must decrease so He (the Lord God) might increase, he wasn't talking about physically, but in how we view ourselves in general. Life isn't about what we go through, what we do or don't, if we get what we want or if we like it- life is ultimately about giving GOD the glory in ALL things. Burned cookies, broken dishes, crooked seams, wrinkled laundry - we do all our hands find to do for the glory of the Lord even if we think we're a nobody.

I'm glad you posted this. I know so many girls that struggle with this very thing.

Kristin Williams Balla said...

Dad and I have been telling you that you were beautiful since you were born! This is what we have truly always believed. What blesses my heart is to see the growing, blossoming inner beauty. To see you discovering talents you never realized you had (i.e. writing) and strength you never realized you had (your marriage). I love you forever and I am so proud of who you are!

Sare said...

Praying for you hon. I know how you feel. I think most people do. I'm so impressed that you are focusing on fixing these things. I hope you find your answers and more importantly I hope you find peace. loves hon!!

Leigh said...

Hi Lyr, I agree with everyone else who has said you are so beautiful and you have much to be proud of. Just look at this blog - 191 followers!? That's really impressive!!

I know what you mean though and we all fall victim to our own insecurities sometimes. Try to just remember how many people believe in you and think you're fantastic!

Kameron said...

As women we are taught from a young age that to be beautiful you have to be prefect. This sterotype is perpetuated by all forms of media and we never feel like we are enough. I think even supermodels, even though they ARE the standard we are held to, probably feel inferior at times. This has been a life long struggle for me as well. You aren't alone in your thoughts, and also know that you are beautiful, even when you don't feel like you are!

Emily said...

Great post. I think all women feel like this to some extent. Have you heard of or read the book Captivating? ( It's by the same authors of The Sacred Romance and Wild At Heart. My women's Bible Study just finished reading it and it addresses these exact issues.
And I think you are totally beautiful!

Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

oh Lyr, what a great post. if I had a dollar for every time Hubby said, why do you always think every other girl around you is prettier than you, we would be set for life! I have struggled with this for forever too. I have to keep reminding myself that God made me exactly how he wanted to=) You are beautiful and I love your honesty=)! i hope you had a wonderful weekend!

Trina said...

I believe every woman no matter what she looks like or possesses struggles with this. It's just part of living in our media frenzy society. We are bombarded with images and ideals of what we "should be" and "should look like".

I love how open you are Lyr. Thanks for sharing this.

Terri said...

Love this post... I used to struggle with how I looked all the time. Pretty soon, those struggles of how I looked turned to struggles of "Oh my, what do other people think of me." I've had people tell me that I'm too dark, not articulate enough, too fat, you'll never succeed in media, you're too short, too this and too that. I believed it and saw myself through the eyes of other people for a long time. Those negative words paralyzed me because I chose to believe them. It wasn't until I grew in confidence and became comfortable with myself that I realized that all of those words spoken over me were lies. I've since learned that all it takes is for someone to "believe" something before it travels to the heart. Once it gets inside your heart, it's manifested through insecurity. I have to work hard at what I choose to believe because I will no longer be paralyzed by the negative words of other people. Instead, I tell myself, "Terri, you are beautiful. You're not too black. You can write a book. You are successful. You are the right size." My self image is just that - how I see myself... Not what cultural says or what society says.

I always love reading your posts. Your transparency is a breath of fresh air.