Every Ending is a Beginning, Every Beginning is an Ending

A lot of those months are now a blur.  I honestly cannot remember many of the details.  It’s as though it was all in a dream I had long ago, but the evening before everything was brought to light was different.  I met up with Lauren and while we were together she received a call from her husband.  She lied to him about where she was and what she was doing and then did something she never did, asked him to call her back later.  I thought it a bit odd, but didn’t make anything of it.  We went our separate ways.

I was supposed to meet up with my friend (Lyryn’s cousin) Jeremiah.  When I finally met him I felt as though I was walking through a haze.  We talked, but I was disconnected, not really invested in our conversation or what was going on around us.  Then, she called.  I told him I needed to take it and stepped outside.

Lauren was in hysterics.  After we had parted ways her husband had tried to call her back and she didn’t pick up, so he called the family she was living with.  They gave a different account as to her whereabouts and goings-on.  When he finally was able to speak with her, she broke down and told him of her infidelity.  I could not then and still am not able to describe the emotions I felt that evening.

I don’t remember how I excused myself from the rest of the evening, but Jeremiah and I parted ways.  I drove home experiencing every range of every negative emotion possible.  When I finally did get home I got in the shower and broke down.  I knew that things were going to change, but I wasn’t sure what was going to happen.

The next morning I went to work knowing it was probably going to be a roller-coaster of a day.   I, like Lyryn, didn’t get anything accomplished except for one thing, my resignation letter.  The resignation letter was so much more than just resigning from my job.  It was resigning from the relationship I had created, resigning from the place it had started, it was resigning from the acknowledgement that I had brought this failure on my marriage in the work place that Lyryn and I shared.

After shedding way too many tears to go unnoticed, I took my resignation letter to Lyryn’s desk and said something to the effect of, “Take a look at this and tell me what you think.”  I knew it would shock her and for some reason I wanted it to.  

A little while later one of my superiors came into my department.  He began to really dig into me about the condition of some of the products and displays.  I did something COMPLETELY uncharacteristic and gave it right back to him and stormed out of the building.  He yelled as I was walking out, “If you leave this building, NEVER COME BACK!”  I went out and sat in my car gripping the steering wheel as though it was the only thing saving me from an imminent accident.  After letting my emotions boil over for a moment I went in and gave my boss my resignation letter.  I wish I could tell you his response, but I don’t remember.  Honestly, the next thing I remember is being back at my house on my lunch break. 

Lyryn was down by my feet and I had just told her as callously as I could that I was unfaithful.  I think in that moment I wanted her to hate me.  I wanted her to lash out at me.  I felt that this would allow me to find an easier emotional exit from the mess I had created.  Yet, when she stormed out to her car I decided to jump on board (or as many of you read, on the hood) as she drove down the street.  As I returned to work I passed by Lauren and Kelly driving away from work.  I knew this would be the last time I would ever see her.  Somehow I finish my day at work, though I think I may have accomplished even less than I had that morning.

Fast-forward to that evening.  I knew if I really tried to reconcile with Lyryn that it was possible.  I knew that I would have to put on my humble boots and walk through the waist-high crap I had thrown all around our home.  And I knew that it wouldn’t be easy.

I don’t remember how it all came about, but I ended up talking with Jeremiah, my mother-in-law Kristin, and the man who I should have allowed to be my accountability partner through all of this - Bryan.  I was quickly repentant and knew I (or more importantly Lyryn) would need help to overcome this mountain of lies and deceit that I had constructed.  Although I was far from being healed from my failures, that first evening with the help of my brothers and sisters in Christ, God supernaturally lifted a burden from my shoulders that would have prevented any healing from ever taking place between my bride and I.

(This post was to give some insight into how I viewed parts of the night before and the day it came out.  It was partially written to answer some of the questions that were directed to me.  I will be writing another post to answer many of the after the affair questions that many of you have raised.  So make sure if there is anything else you want to hear from my perspective you ask.)  

Loose Ends

Imogen Heap