I get so sad when I hear about people being mad at God when things like this happen in their lives. Often it’s too painful to look at ourselves and what we have done to destroy our own lives, so we do anything to get the spotlight off of ourselves. For some, God seems like the logical person to blame. I have been asked the question quite a few times during these past three years - did I blame God for what happened? Personally, I couldn’t blame God. I knew that I wasn’t right with Him and I knew Jesse and I weren’t allowing Him to act as the head of our household. I also knew that I couldn’t be mad at God when throughout this whole process He was the only one building me up and filling the role of my husband. Without Him, I wouldn’t be where I’m at today.
I grew up knowing the Lord, but made the real commitment to follow Jesus in November of 1997. I was blessed to be in a church so rich in faith and part of a dance team that kept me grounded in the Lord. The lady who ran the dance team was Jesse’s mom (now my mother-in-law). She really taught me how to love Jesus with all that I am, how to worship without fear and to come broken before the cross so Jesus could carry me. She taught me that faith is so much more than just going to church every Sunday and saying a prayer before bed every night. I am truly grateful for this, because I would have never gotten through this whole thing without my Lord carrying me the entire way. So in light of that, how can I blame Him?
When Jesse first started drifting away, my first instinct was to kick and scream to get his attention. I asked a million questions, texted him all the time to see what he was doing. Asked to see his phone and if he wouldn’t I threw a FIT over it. After a few weeks of making everything worse, I soon came to realize that this plan of action was only feeding fuel to his growing list of resentment towards me and why he no longer wanted me in his life. The more I blamed him, the more the enemy won. This strategy was not working. I had to surrender my life and find a new commander for this war I was about to fight.
I knew I had lost control. I knew this was no longer in my hands and the only way I was going to win my family back was to give this completely to the Lord. The Lord then put Luke 18:27 in my heart “But He said the things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” I now knew that I had hit rock bottom. I knew that this marriage was not just a one-way street and that it was falling apart. My new plan of action was to stop focusing only on what Jesse was doing wrong, but what I was doing and how I needed to change to better myself and my marriage.
By the middle of May things were getting even worse. Jesse moved out and I was all alone raising our 7- month-old son. The only thing keeping me afloat was the fact that I was doing devotions daily, writing constantly, and learning to come to Jesus for everything. Most nights I would be up until 2 or 3 in the morning in tears over everything, (to feel rested was no longer a reality, but a dream of the past), but almost every time I would get out my Bible, sit before God and just cry. You see... He would let me do that. That would always make me feel comforted in some way and a little less alone.
Slowly, I was living out Isaiah 54:5-6, “For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the Lord of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. For the Lord has called you, like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected, says your God.” I was beginning to understand what it was to take Jesus as my husband. I also realized that for the longest time my identity lay only in Jesse. We had been together so long that our relationship had defined me. His dreams were my dreams and his passions were my passions, I had completely pushed aside everything I once wanted for my own life. Through this process I started to learn that it was ok to simply be “Lyryn” and not be defined as just Jesse’s wife. I began to have new dreams of my own; more passions in my life. I began to see that I was valuable without Jesse and that my life would be fine if everything was split apart. I was slowly changing little by little and even Jesse was seeing the change.
Though I was still hurt and angry, I was less likely to lash out at him verbally. I tried to always encourage him, even though my brain thought he was the scum of the universe. God was teaching me how to love in a way I never did before. He was teaching me how to love like He loves. During this time I was challenged by my amazing friend Kerstin to read over 1 Corinthians 13. She told me not just to read it… but to really break it down and examine each word. I see this chapter in a completely different light in my life now. I believe that God was preparing me for what was yet to come. He showed me that no matter what, I needed to love Jesse unconditionally. He was also preparing me to fight for this covenant that the devil was frantically trying to destroy.
I’m not saying that I never got angry or that I never lost my cool with Jesse. I’m sure he could list quite a few times I got a tad bit out of control during the time I was "trying to give ALL the control to God." I’m just saying God was the only one I could completely surrender to and trust with everything that I am. I know that no matter what God will never fail me. So when people ask me if I ever got mad at God I simply say that Jesus was my saving grace in all of this so how can I blame someone who did so much for me?