Tuesday, April 12, 2011

I Never Wanted To Be A Single Mom

I think there is a reason God designed children to have two parents, not just a mom or not just a dad; two parents raising their child/children together. Parenting is and will be the hardest job you will ever do. You are responsible for this little person who will one day grow up to be something in the world. I understand that there are circumstances and sometimes tragedies that may happen that leave this completely out of your hands, but hopefully you are blessed enough to have an amazing support system behind you.

Like it or not I was about to be thrown into that world of single motherhood. I had never planned on doing this all by myself. I always expected to have my husband right there by my side for every monumental step our first-born would take. Unfortunately, the more and more Jesse was sucked into this illusion of Lauren being the perfect woman for him, the less and less time he had for me and Jayden. Needless to say this was not how I ever imagined our first year of parenthood to be like. Jesse was absent for much of the most important developmental time in Jayden’s life. I wasn’t able to tell Jesse all the exciting new things our son was doing when he returned home at night because he was never around. Watching Jayden sit up for the first time, crawling, and watching him take his first steps… all the monumental events I witnessed on my own.

Looking back I can’t help but think that I truly missed out on some amazing things during Jayden’s first year. This shouldn’t have been the way I spent my first year as a new mom. Because of all the hurt and deceit, I believe I was robbed of the joy of these special moments that I should have been more excited about. I felt like a terrible mother because I wasn’t able to give Jayden all he should have received in his first year of life. It’s hard for me to relate to most of my friends who are entering this exciting stage in their lives of being a “first time mom” because for me, this was the lowest point in my life. 

Unfortunately, I also still have some deep hurt… I very much need healing from the fact that I’ll never be able to get back my very first Mother’s Day. (I know it sounds petty that I'm not over it yet) Instead I’m stuck with the one that was filled with tears, heartache and being completely alone. That day will forever be burned into my memory. No card, no help, no “you’re a great mom,” not even a text. Instead Jesse was off living single with his “new friend.” I never understood why they couldn’t take one second to think about what day it was. I wonder if they even cared that this was my very first Mother's Days (the only one I will ever get) and that it would be one of the worst days in my life. But alas, these are things that will never be uncovered.

Alright, Time Out. 

There is a part of me that has this overwhelming fear that my husband will now be judged for how he might parent today. I can tell you that he is NOTHING like he was back then. He is an involved, loving, supportive, enthusiastic father who is completely and madly in love with his children and wife. He has been there for every step in Jayden’s life after this affair ended, and he has been there every step of the way for all of Ian’s monumental moments in life as well. I’m excited that I finally have a partner with whom I can cheer our children on when something great happens. And I’m blessed that I have his shoulder to cry on when I feel the job is just too hard. I’m in awe of the husband and father he has become.

And just in case you were wondering about how my second Mother’s Day was… though I was fearful of those terrible feeling returning, that day was nothing like the first. He loved on me, affirmed me as a mom and wrote me this amazing card that told me how much he loves and appreciates me. But for some reason each Mother's day I'm still fearful of the same. It takes time... and I know I still have more healing to go.

Also, a year later a very close friend of ours (who knew of our situation and is not one to idly hand out compliments) one day leaned over to me while we were sitting in his family's backyard and said, “He’s a really good dad, Lyryn.” After something like an affair hits your life and change starts happening with the repentant person you want others to notice changes as much as you do. You want to feel like you aren’t the only one seeing this. It was such confirmation and affirmation that our life was finally coming together. I will never forget our friend's compliment. That statement meant more to me than he will ever understand.

To all you single parents out there, I can never truly understand what you’ve gone through or what struggles you deal with on a daily basis. However, I can tell you that for a short time in my life I did have a glimpse into your world and found a new appreciation for all you do and still accomplish all on your own. I commend all the single parents out there! Hold on, He is going to make you so much stronger in all of this.

19 comments:

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Jessica said...

I am not a mom yet, so I do not know how important that day was for you. I can only imagine.
You've got my thinking about all my single friends & their Mother's Days. Are they receiving the love & appreciate they should?
It breaks my heart.

Question: How long did the affair actually last?

Jami Nato said...

it's nice to see someone else talks so openly about their husband having an affair...not a lot of people do this. so hooray for your honesty. and hooray for you clinging to Jesus to heal you, not your husband. :)

anyway, just thought i would give you a shout out. from one affair surviver to another.

angela.kolachny said...

I just recently got engaged and I must say your posts are very intriguing. They are very raw, very open, very honest, very caring; I appreciate all of these. I pray that you find peace and fulfillment in your journey. Thank you for being so open, its comforting to know that sometimes we all are fighting a battle but we have each other to lean on:o)

Rachel said...

I feel the same way about our first year of marriage and honeymoon even.. we couldn't really enjoy it like you're supposed to.

Anonymous said...

This is off topic for today's post, but it's just something that I need to vent/ask others about.

I am slowly starting to heal from my husband's affair. He is doing everything possible to make me feel comfortable and to show me that he's sorry and that nothing like that will ever happen again.

The problem is that I cannot get the other woman out of my head. I don't know any details of whether she is still with her husband or not, whether she regrets the affair, and if she still thinks about my husband. It literally makes me sick when I think about it.

I know that what she is doing these days and what she thinks are not important. I just wish that I could get her out of my head.

Any suggestions?

Bethany said...

Lyryn, its awesome to see your strength and commitment to your marriage. Its an example to me that no matter what short comings Matt has, big or small, I am to love him unconditionally and support him.

Hailey said...

I think you're doing a very good job balancing the awareness of the sin and heartache in your life with protecting your husband from harsh criticism. Go you. :)

Jessica said...

Sorry I've been gone for so long, but I finally got caught up on your posts. Hope you are doing well!

Laura said...

Thanks for sharing!

Cara S. said...

Not that my situation was anyhing like this...I can relate in so many ways to this post. Especially the mothers day thing. I love ya, thank you for your honesty and for putting into words so many things that go though my mind from time to time.

Mrs. Dirnberger said...

I am enjoying each blog post. YOu are so strong and someone to truely look up to! I admire the women you are and I am so glad your husband and you are in a comfortable place now.
Life is hard, marriage is hard, having children is hard and sometimes things happen that causes everyone to break. However you story is really really going to help others!
I believe in you...and I believe in your marriage and family!

Brittany Ann said...

This is a good reminder for all of us - even if we haven't struggled with unfaithful husbands.

Because, when we haven't had an experience like infidelity mold us, we often take the precious things about marriage and family, like good fathers, for granted.

Thank you for reminding us all how important it is to treasure and desire our husbands to be upstanding, active fathers. We need to give credit to those that are! And those that have had to fight to get there, like Jesse, and have succeeded with flying colors!

Megan said...

This was so couragous if you to write about. What a scary/shakey time for you. I was not in an exact sitaution when I did the single parent thing because my first born was from a previous relationship. So when my Husband had his affair he was living with my daghter and I, but I was already doing the single mom thing. It was very hard though to have him there and then "poof" not there for her and for myself!!!

Sarah said...

Thanks for your sweet note on my blog! It's so fun to "meet" new people. :) This series that you and your husband are doing is such a great testimony and ministry! Although we haven't walked through the valley of an affair, marriage has not been fun or easy for us so I've been blessed to read about your journey and the power of God to heal and restore! I can only imagine how many others are being impacted in even greater ways!

Anonymous said...

Oh yes, Lyryn. Please answer that question from Anonymous. 24 hours a day I have a picture of her in my head. It doesn't matter what I do, it won't go away.

I constantly feel nauseous. It's horrible.

Anonymous said...

Great post! made me think of a couple of questions for Friday:) how, when, why did the affair end? did jesse immediately begin trying to repair things with you? how long had it gone on for. i know Jesse mentioned in his earlier posts, how he convinced himself he no longer cared about you. how did he justify to himself not being there for his child. i always wanted to believe that my dad was a good father, despite not being a great husband, but i wonder how does a father choose to spend that much time away from his kids and family in order to pursue another relationship?

Alicia said...

Another great post, Lyr. I'm not just saying that either. I think you are shedding so much light on this situation. God bless you!

Nessa said...

Seeing my daughter with her daddy... I can't even imagine her life with just me. I too am im awe of those parent out there doing it alone.

chambanachik said...

Again, this post seems to mirror my life so completely. I have those same feelings. I can only hope my marriage turns around like yours.