Monday, April 18, 2011

The Last Straw

The week before the affair came out was the most brutal by far. I had asked Jesse to go to the Yacoe Family beach house for the weekend so we could have a nice, small family vacation and Jayden had yet set foot onto a beach. He silently kicked and screamed the entire way. This was incredibly heart-breaking to me. I could see how much he didn’t want to be there. He acted like a three-year-old the entire way down and wouldn’t speak to me the entire time. He somewhat mellowed out by the time we made it to the beach house. The weekend was filled with silence between the two of us, but it was nice to be able to have Jayden on the beach for the first time.

That Sunday something went terribly wrong. I think I got upset with him and started yelling at him for not helping me with Jayden to the beach. In the middle of the street he screamed backed, “We’re finished! I’m done; I don’t want to be married anymore!” My heart fell to the hot pavement below and literally started melting away. I walked as fast as I could to the house where both his and my parents were. I cried and told them what had happened. I was surprised that even his parents didn’t have much to say. Did they understand what was happening here?! Did they realize that their son’s little family was falling apart?

I was not going to sit with him on a two-and-one-half hour drive back home. My heart was broken. I had no idea how it had gotten so bad that he actually wanted a divorce! I had been changing EVERYTHING he hated about me; I had been preferring him and loving him. This was just not happening. I packed up everything in a flash and left before Jesse had gotten back from the beach. He would have to find his own ride home if I was no longer good enough to be his wife. The entire way home I blamed myself, though I had done nothing wrong.

I came home and cried my eyes out to my mom, sister-in-law and best friend, blaming this whole thing on myself and second guessing all God had been teaching me these past few months. What had I done wrong? Was I that horrible of a wife? What was it that made him hate me SO much after being together SO long?! I felt completely insane! Was I the only one seeing this? I just didn’t get it.

The next morning his parents dropped him off at our house. I didn’t go to work; I couldn’t mentally do it so I stayed in bed. When he got home he set his phone on the side table, threw his ring in the drawer and with the ugliest scowl said, “Why are you home?” I whispered, “I had a rough night.” As he went into the shower he didn’t think to take his cell phone. So I quickly grabbed it and saw who the last person he texted was. It was a text to Lauren saying “Hey sweetheart, can you get the keys from Ann? I’m going to be late.” Believe it or not I didn’t even think about the fact that he called her sweetheart, I was just more pissed that he texted her instead of some other associate. But at this point I wasn’t going to argue the fact. He wanted out of this marriage… and if I brought up anything at this moment it would have been worse for me.

After he got home from work I had all day to think about what had happened. I didn’t know if he was moving out or what his first plan of action would be. I calmly sat at his feet weeping and asked him to please give me another chance to show him that I can better myself as a wife. He took his time to think and then after a while said that he would stay but… he didn’t have any hope that I could change and he just didn’t like who I was anymore. At this point things were even more up in the air then before. I realized that I had just given him permission to do whatever he wanted that week because the last thing I wanted to do was make him so angry that he would just up and leave me and Jayden alone again like he had back in May.

Now, I realize that this sounds incredibly weak and like I’m just crawling back to him like an abused woman getting ready to be stomped on again, but you have to understand that everything had gotten so out of control. I didn’t understand what was happening and I didn’t know where this behavior was coming from. All I knew was that I didn’t want to lose my husband. I was still very much in love with him and he was the father of my child! Even if it was all in my head, I was going to do almost anything to keep this marriage from going to divorce court.

After a week had gone by, things seemed to lighten up. I was careful with every word that came out of my mouth and I was sure to always have a smile on my face even though my future seemed so uncertain. Dinner was always on the table by the time he came home and the house was always clean. I wanted to show him I wasn’t the terrible wife he felt I was and that we could work things out. There were even moments we laughed and were respectful with one another. I was sure things were getting better.

July 20th 2008 was the most confusing day of them all. He was incredibly nice to me at work, and then when he came home on time that night we had a great dinner together and talked. We even sat on our bed before he was scheduled to go hang out with my cousin (who I had spoken to and knew he was going to see). We watched a few funny YouTube videos and talked a little more about us. It seemed to me that we were getting somewhere. I can even remember calling my cousin when Jesse left and telling him how much better I felt about us. Before he left he gave me a very nice kiss, a kiss I hadn’t felt in a while from him.

I was so hopeful about that night that maybe tomorrow would be even better. My cousin Jeremiah even called in to tell me that he thought their time together went well. I was able to fall asleep better than I had in a while, but then awakened around 1 am to find Jesse not in bed, but in the shower crying. I went in and asked if he was ok. He said he didn’t want to talk about it and to please leave him alone. My day that had started with hope in my heart quickly faded, and July 21st began with fear and panic. What had set him off? What changed his positive outlook?

Unknowingly at the time, it turned out that Jer wasn’t the only person Jesse saw that night. Before meeting up with Jer, Jesse met with Lauren. While they were together she received a phone call from her husband. Jesse and Lauren went their separate ways. While Jesse was with Jer he got a phone call from Lauren, she had lied to her husband and it had gone badly. Instead of continuing to pile lies on top of lies she finally told him about Jesse’s and her relationship. This would begin the unveiling of many more lies that were told and the truths behind them…

13 comments:

Emily said...

I've really been moved following your whole story. While I've felt so much emotion for you this whole way, this post just makes my heart break. While part of me is feeling rage at Jesse for making these choices, most of me feels such an admiration for your humility and desire to keep your commitment to your husband and the life of an intact family you desired for yourself and Jayden. This is so honorable and such a tribute to the power of God in your life. Only He can give that kind of humility and submission you had shown to Jesse....left to own flesh we are not strong enough to do that. Thanks so much for sharing this story and encouraging me as a wife, mother, and, most importantly, a sister in Christ.

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

Evem though I know things are better between you and jesse it still breaks my heart to hear the story from the beginning. I can't imagine how it felt.

Anonymous said...

Whoa girl. This is killing me. Could have written a lot of it myself.

Meredith said...

Goodness...it breaks my heart to hear this whole story! If I didn't know that it had a positive ending, I think it would be almost unbearable!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

A lot of this has been fuzzy for me...so having you write about is even bringing more clarity for me. Not that I necessarily needed it, but it helps to remember how the timeline went. I do remember that beach trip, and talking at your moms house that night....I had totally forgotten about jesse crying in the shower (or maybe I didn't know it)....and had also forgotten she was the one who broke down and told her husband first. Totally forgot. I agree with the others, as heartbreaking as this post was/is...I'm just so thankful you're mainly on the other side now.

Tonja said...

I can't tell you thank you enough, your words have helped me understand my husband in a much better way. I am now more aware of the things he is going through and the hurt he still has.

Megan said...

This brought tears to my eyes. I am all too familiar with so many of these emotions. All though my Husbands unveiling didn't play out the same way, the result was the same. Lyr, you are so strong and have brought so much hope for others going through this while sharing your story.

((Hugs))

Anonymous said...

I also know those words as well. Those words will forever be with you but the thing I have to remind myself is that the man I love so much and married 10 years ago was not the same man saying those words. He was selfish and sinful man. The man I love is redeemed, repentive and forever grateful for the grace and mercy God equipped me to have on him.
Thank u so much for sharing your story. I'm so glad you and Jesse are being so open and vulerable with the world. I'm probably states away but my husband and I are reading and several of my girlsfriends are reading it as well, and I posted it on my personal blog too, I feel like Sunday we should have you guys over for dinner :)

Nessa said...

This made me cry... I could just feel your sadness and helplessness. To have a good day and then find him in the shower crying... my heart breaks for you - the old you.

Jami Nato said...

this is all so familiar for me too. it's hard to write it all down...you are doing a great job.

Bethany said...

I knew you (you and Jesse) were going through a rough time, but I never knew how bad things really were. I never knew it was so extreme. These posts have been such a testimony to how far you both have come after all you dealt with. THANK GOD. It could have gone in such a different awful direction. I'm so glad you are where you are today.

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Jessica said...

I missed yesterdays, but catching up now.

My tummy is in knots for you. I can't even imagine. Seeing him cry in the shower... after a wonderful day... its so sad.

(I have two real life friends who follow my blog who are now following your story.)

Alicia said...

Wow, Lyr. I don't even know what to comment except to say how awesome God is. He took what was broken and has begun to restore it 100%. Amazing, my friend!!