I feel misunderstood, because people just don't "get it." I feel angry, because it's painfully hard for me to express myself at times the way I so desperately need to. I feel like a crappy Christian, because if I just had enough faith... God might have taken this away from me. I feel weak, because I'm just not a strong enough person to handle a few chemical imbalances and be done with them already. Just one more thing to add to my ever-growing list of insecurities. Do I need anymore?!
For a long time, I kept the fact that I am on medication for depression and ADD a secret. I'm pretty sure people knew, but I was just too scared of what people would think. I felt like if people knew that I was medicating myself, then I didn't have enough faith to over come it. I didn't just "assume" this. I had several people give me their opinions on antidepressants and how they thought I shouldn't be on them. I have had people tell me that all I need to do is pray through it and Jesus would take it all away. Of course I think He is capable of it... (Who am I to limit God) but does He always do it? I don't think He does. So what am I supposed to do?!
I can remember 6 months after having Jayden. I was not myself; I was not being honest with myself, my God, my work, with anything! I was silently struggling with postpartum because I didn't want to appear like I was depressed about my new baby. My life was out of control and AT THAT TIME my marriage life was falling apart. I was DEPRESSED!
I can remember a person in my life sitting me down and telling me that the reason I was depressed was because I was believing the lies of depression and bipolar disorder that my mom was speaking over me.
Yea. That is what I was afraid of. Right there... that moment.
People thinking they know what they are talking about, but really have no idea.
You see... my family has a history of bi-polar disorder. My grandfather (someone I was very close to) killed himself in April 1994 after a life-long battle with bi-polar disorder. I BELIEVE that chemical imbalances can be hereditary and so does my mom. I believe that when she spoke up about depression in our family, her heart's intent was only to protect us and make us aware.
My mom had no influence on me having a baby and then struggling with postpartum. My mom had no sway in how my marriage was or what my husband was doing on the side. My mom always taught me to be honest with everyone and myself, yet I was wearing a mask every single day!
I never once thought my mom spoke depression over me. If anything, all she did was make us aware of it so we could take care of it if there was ever a problem. She never wanted to see her children go through what she grew up with, when it came to her father. I feel like I always understood my mom's heart in that. She even got a Master's Degree in Counseling because she wanted to help people who suffered as her father had.
Others... not always so much.
Needless to say, I'm still far from healed. I'm tired of hiding from it. I am a Christian who takes mood-altering drugs, and it works for me. It's not that I don't believe I can be healed, because I do believe I can be and until that day I will be praying for that! I guess it's just not God's timing.
Last week I made the choice to stop taking my Wellbutrin. I thought I would be ok. I thought things would be just fine. Oh boy, was I wrong. Can we say that Lyryn went PSYCHO!?!? I have an appointment with the doctor this week so hopefully things will be getting back to normal soon. For now... I'll just stay away from people. lol.
Thanks for hearing my heart! This is me... take it or leave it. All I know is that Jesus loves this emotional ball of goop and as long as I have Him... I can do ALL things. Thank you all for your sweet comments last week! You blessed me!!
Hope you all are having a fantastic week!
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