Monday, June 20, 2011

Work in Progress

I don't think any girl is ever really happy with all of who she is.  If we have straight hair, we want curly.  If we have brown hair we want to be blonde, so on and so forth.  I feel like we can be our own worst critics and can do a lot of harm to ourselves at times.  For me I have been pretty brutal to myself from a very young age.  I don't know where it stems from... I don't know what makes me so insecure, but for some reason I'm not very nice to myself.

I was never told that I was the prettiest or ever considered the most photogenic.  I was never the one the boys picked first to hold hands with.  For the longest time I was just "one of the boys."  I always had trouble making friends.  I was never the girl who could get people rolling on the floor laughing (maybe that's why I married a man that did).   I have never considered myself smart.  In fact, I felt I was so unintelligent that before anyone else could call me stupid, I would normally call myself stupid first.  I guess in my mind it would hurt less coming from my mouth than others.  All in all, I have always been just an ordinary plain Jane.

I have been an introvert all my life and confrontation is NOT my thing.  I would rather "take flight" than "fight."  Which is so contradictory from how I handled my husband's affair, so I know I am capable of "fighting."  I so wish that I could change my introverted personalty into someone who was more outspoken and less verbally challenged.  I could write you an amazing thesis two hours later on how a confrontation affected me, but to come right out and say what hurt me... um... hell no.  Not my strong suit. 

I know that none of the things written above are very nice or very uplifting in any way and this is certainly something that I have been working very hard to change about myself.  I don't like hating things about me.  God made me who I am for a reason and there IS something special about that!  I can understand that!  And thank Him for it.  God has been really refining me and showing me that I am capable and there is more to me than meets the eye.  However, even with growth, there are still little things about ME that drive me crazy. 

I believe that God made me to have my introverted personality for a reason.  I believe that my emotional and sensitive side is something to be proud of and not be ashamed of.   Two years ago, I wouldn't have told you that.  I would have cried and told you how screwed up and overly emotional I was.  I would have told you that it was a flaw and how sorry I am for being me.  Not so much anymore. 

I am still a work in progress and God is still teaching me to be confident in who I am.  I will fail others and I will never have this down to a perfect science, but I am learning to accept myself for who I am.  I like who I feel I am becoming, and I love what God is doing in my life and in my heart. 

Is there something in your life that you don't like, but know it's a gift that needs to be nurtured? 


Kristin Balla said...

Daddy and I always told you that you were beautiful. You just needed to hear it from your peers! Over the years you have grown in outer beauty but the more exciting reality is that you have grown in inner beauty. You are broken before the Lord and open to his molding of who you are. That is the most beautiful thing of all!

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

girls are the worst!!!! we are so picky and harsh about ourselfs. And I think you are stunning! never forget that!

Hailey said...

I can so relate to this. I'm sure a lot of women can. But you're smart and beautiful and exactly who God made you to be. :)

cara said...

We are ALL works in progress dear! And actually I love that we are all works in progress! It means there is always room for more growth, more love, more wisdom and so on and so on! The beautiful thing is that we can look back like you have here in this post and see how far you have come! How encouraging right? Well, I think you are wonderful yesterday, today and tomorrow and I love ya!

very married said...

you know what's crazy? i had a dream last night where somehow the words of your first paragraph were used pretty much verbatim!

I constantly feel fat. like, always. I objectively, I think I'm pretty normal but it's so darn hard to be objective about one's self!

Hi, I'm Susan! said...

oh the dreaded curse of being a female... always feeling like we never measure up and what a lie that is. but i totally hear you on this and i think most women can relate. i think one of the benefits to getting older is learning to really accept who you are and just walk in the freedom of that... we spend so much of our teens and 20's just comparing and poking and prodding... it's so sad really. but you are beautiful my dear- just the way you are and i'm glad that you are beginning to accept that. you are a wonderful woman and i love you so very much!!!

Mrs. Mama said...

You ARE beautiful! And as women, we are naturally built within us to do nothing but pick at ourselves and our "flaws." And there is absolutely nothing wrong with being introverted. You said it best... it is a gift, and absolutely something to be proud of!

I think we are all a work in progress, and knowing that, is what makes us human.

Breeann said...

I am one of those girls, too. I am a blonde with slightly curly hair who used to straighten her hair every day because I hated the curl...and who dyes her hair brown because I always wanted to be a brunette. Finding contentment in who God wants me to be is definitely a hard thing, but I know it's necessary. Keep striving towards this, friend. Hopefully we will both reach this place soon!

Sarah D said...

Right there with you!

Meg Ryan's character in you've got mail says " What happens to me when I'm provoked is that I get tongue-tied and my mind goes blank. Then I spend all night tossing and turning trying to figure out what I should have said. What should I have said, for example, to a bottom dweller who recently belittled my existence? Nothing. Even now, days later, I can't figure it out."

THAT is me. So often I wish I could come up with some snippy comment and then I realize how much trouble it could actually cause and I'm thankful God didn't give me that ability.