I feel like I may have given you the wrong impression of me when I started our Love Redeeming series back in April. I’m afraid that I might have shown you a side of me that “looked” like I had this all figured out and that my healing process was easy and has been dealt with fully. I feel that I might have come off as this “strong woman” that has her act together and no longer struggles with insecurities or the fear that her husband may leave again. I fear that I may have portrayed myself as fake and unreal because the fact of the matter is that I still very much struggle with all of these fears daily and I still have so much more healing to work through. I fear my heart may have been displayed differently than how it is today.
I’m disappointed in myself and in my actions recently. I have been a terrible wife to a husband who has done everything to show me how much he wants me and loves me. In my hurt and anger sometimes, I push him away instead of leaning on him for support. I have failed all those who I talk to on a regular basis about their own issues at home, because I still struggle with most of the same feelings they deal with daily. I feel like a hypocrite! Who am I to tell them to fight for their marriage, when at times I too want to throw my hands up? I’m ashamed because I always talk about “trusting in God” to heal your marriage, yet sometimes I seem to forget my own advice. This person that seems to have it all together is actually in pieces and I’m sorry for portraying it any other way.
These past two weeks have been pretty unbearable for me. I have been sad, hurt, depressed, scared and feeling mentally very alone (only because I have chosen to keep people out) - not good, but a coping mechanism for me. These past two weeks have been filled with hurtful memories of being alone, abandoned, and dates that shoot out at me like a canon to my chest.
Sad memories of a summer romance that some only read about in books (or terribly written romance novels), except this was very real to me and was never a fantasy I ever dreamed of actually watching my husband live out. Memories of driving home from the beach alone thinking my marriage was ending. Painful memories of all my worst fears coming true. Memories…. I wish I could just erase forever from my mind.
I’m mad at myself, frustrated that after all this time I still struggle with the hurt that is still inside me. Trust me, I know. I should be over this by now, right?! I should be in a place of healing where none of this should bother me anymore. I should be completely secure that my life will never ever go through something like this again. Be in a place that I can say I fully forgive “the other woman” after I tried so hard to make her feel welcome and have a friend here, just to have her find a friend in my husband inappropriately (bitter much?). Be in a place that just the mere thought of summer or the month of July doesn’t make me queasy. I should be over this; I want to be over this! Don't I?
Though I didn’t cause these hurts or make the choice to have my husband break my heart, I do have the choice to heal. Even though there is a part of me that is struggling to admit it… I know that the way I have been feeling these past few weeks have been mostly my fault. Unfortunately, I’m beginning to see that some of the issues are just me not wanting to let go. (My Elijah House teacher would be so disappointed.)
I have been wondering to myself why I haven’t been able to get healing in certain places in my life, however the only person holding me back from the healing… is me. I haven’t been going to the Lord enough when I know that’s what I really need to be doing. I’ve been hiding and trying to hold on to my hurt instead of asking Him to help me and bring me through this. Instead I have been sitting in a pool of self pity thinking woe-is-me and eating (nonliteral) bonbons. Maybe that’s why I’ve recently gained 5lbs. Yuck!
How do you get healing by doing that?
You don’t, I don’t! In fact it does the opposite. It sends me further into a depression and makes me angrier at the situation (that I was once hurt terribly by the person I trusted the most) which in turn I like to take out on my husband who doesn’t deserve it because he is proving to me daily that he’s not the person he once was. Not so cool and not so healthy and it isn’t getting our marriage anywhere. He doesn’t like it, I don’t like who I am when I feel that way and the bonbons are pretty terrible on the thighs! Sounds more like self-sabotage than healing. Right?
I’m desperately praying this week will be better than the last. However, we still have one of the hardest dates for me to handle coming up this Thursday. I’ve got to keep telling myself to be positive and I’m trying to keep myself busy and have as much fun with my kiddies as possible! I want to stay accountable to the fact I need to make a change and finally get this healing. I finally got the balls to text my friend and set up a meeting with her to pray about some of this stuff, which is a huge step for me. I also need to remember to start my day with the Lord. For some reason I can’t seem to let go of that last string that is so tightly wrapped around my finger. So if you don’t mind, please keep me in your prayers this week? That would be fantastic!
I hope that you have seen my true heart today, and not that woman who seems to “have it all together.” I am not her. I’m the girl who still has so much healing to walk through and I’m sorry if I ever said anything different. I know I can get to a place of complete healing and to the place that I talked about in my series; and I can’t wait for that day!