Monday, July 18, 2011

I Feel I Must Apologize

I feel like I may have given you the wrong impression of me when I started our Love Redeeming series back in April. I’m afraid that I might have shown you a side of me that “looked” like I had this all figured out and that my healing process was easy and has been dealt with fully. I feel that I might have come off as this “strong woman” that has her act together and no longer struggles with insecurities or the fear that her husband may leave again. I fear that I may have portrayed myself as fake and unreal because the fact of the matter is that I still very much struggle with all of these fears daily and I still have so much more healing to work through. I fear my heart may have been displayed differently than how it is today.

I’m disappointed in myself and in my actions recently. I have been a terrible wife to a husband who has done everything to show me how much he wants me and loves me. In my hurt and anger sometimes, I push him away instead of leaning on him for support. I have failed all those who I talk to on a regular basis about their own issues at home, because I still struggle with most of the same feelings they deal with daily. I feel like a hypocrite!  Who am I to tell them to fight for their marriage, when at times I too want to throw my hands up? I’m ashamed because I always talk about “trusting in God” to heal your marriage, yet sometimes I seem to forget my own advice. This person that seems to have it all together is actually in pieces and I’m sorry for portraying it any other way.

These past two weeks have been pretty unbearable for me. I have been sad, hurt, depressed, scared and feeling mentally very alone (only because I have chosen to keep people out) - not good, but a coping mechanism for me. These past two weeks have been filled with hurtful memories of being alone, abandoned, and dates that shoot out at me like a canon to my chest.

Sad memories of a summer romance that some only read about in books (or terribly written romance novels), except this was very real to me and was never a fantasy I ever dreamed of actually watching my husband live out. Memories of driving home from the beach alone thinking my marriage was ending. Painful memories of all my worst fears coming true. Memories…. I wish I could just erase forever from my mind.

I’m mad at myself, frustrated that after all this time I still struggle with the hurt that is still inside me. Trust me, I know. I should be over this by now, right?! I should be in a place of healing where none of this should bother me anymore. I should be completely secure that my life will never ever go through something like this again. Be in a place that I can say I fully forgive “the other woman” after I tried so hard to make her feel welcome and have a friend here, just to have her find a friend in my husband inappropriately (bitter much?). Be in a place that just the mere thought of summer or the month of July doesn’t make me queasy. I should be over this; I want to be over this! Don't I?

Though I didn’t cause these hurts or make the choice to have my husband break my heart, I do have the choice to heal. Even though there is a part of me that is struggling to admit it… I know that the way I have been feeling these past few weeks have been mostly my fault. Unfortunately, I’m beginning to see that some of the issues are just me not wanting to let go. (My Elijah House teacher would be so disappointed.)
 
I have been wondering to myself why I haven’t been able to get healing in certain places in my life, however the only person holding me back from the healing… is me. I haven’t been going to the Lord enough when I know that’s what I really need to be doing. I’ve been hiding and trying to hold on to my hurt instead of asking Him to help me and bring me through this. Instead I have been sitting in a pool of self pity thinking woe-is-me and eating (nonliteral) bonbons. Maybe that’s why I’ve recently gained 5lbs. Yuck!

How do you get healing by doing that?

You don’t, I don’t! In fact it does the opposite. It sends me further into a depression and makes me angrier at the situation (that I was once hurt terribly by the person I trusted the most) which in turn I like to take out on my husband who doesn’t deserve it because he is proving to me daily that he’s not the person he once was. Not so cool and not so healthy and it isn’t getting our marriage anywhere. He doesn’t like it, I don’t like who I am when I feel that way and the bonbons are pretty terrible on the thighs! Sounds more like self-sabotage than healing. Right?

I’m desperately praying this week will be better than the last. However, we still have one of the hardest dates for me to handle coming up this Thursday. I’ve got to keep telling myself to be positive and I’m trying to keep myself busy and have as much fun with my kiddies as possible! I want to stay accountable to the fact I need to make a change and finally get this healing. I finally got the balls to text my friend and set up a meeting with her to pray about some of this stuff, which is a huge step for me. I also need to remember to start my day with the Lord. For some reason I can’t seem to let go of that last string that is so tightly wrapped around my finger. So if you don’t mind, please keep me in your prayers this week? That would be fantastic!

I hope that you have seen my true heart today, and not that woman who seems to “have it all together.” I am not her. I’m the girl who still has so much healing to walk through and I’m sorry if I ever said anything different. I know I can get to a place of complete healing and to the place that I talked about in my series; and I can’t wait for that day!


21 comments:

Aishlea and Brandon said...

I don't think you have anything to apologize for. Who among us has everything all together?! Not me, for sure!!! I saw your series as a marriage full of hope...but that doesn't mean you have your bad moments, too....

Hope this week is better!

Kate said...

I'm not sure if this makes sense, but I am comforted by your post. I'm also in a rough spot lately, with my son, my marriage and my business. Reading your struggle as a Christian, a wife, a mom and a HUMAN has made me feel better this morning. I didn't get any answers, but what I got was the reassurance that someone else out there is struggling. Thank you. I'm praying for you.

rebekah said...

Aarrgggghhhh!! First of all, no apology necessary. Second, I NEEDED this today! I am WALLOWING in my self-pity and up to my neck in bonbons. I've been avoiding going to the Lord, b/c I don't want to be vulnerable again! Seriously, we can do this together! We'll talk later.

Melissa said...

Praying for you sweet friend!

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

no need to say sorry. Praying for you

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Girrrrlll, the fact you are honest enough to write this post at all shows a lot about your character. I'll be praying for you this week especially. Love you!

Lauren said...

In situations such as these, apologies certainly aren't necessary. Words aren't sufficient and my experience doesn't justify any advice...so just know that I'm thinking & praying for you.

Hailey said...

I just want to give you a big hug! No need to apologize. You never came across "that way". Nobody has it all together at all times. Definitely keeping you in my prayers this week. May the Lord grant you total healing, peace, and a whirlwind romance with your husband this week. :) Let him sweep you off your feet. He loves you, and you deserve it. Here's hoping for an awesome week!! :)

Abo, Crys and GB said...

Please don't apologize, It's amazing how we are that "strong wife" and then are complete MUSH and possibly a bit "witchy" the next day. This journey is filled with mountains and valleys and it's a daily reminder of how much we need God just to get through the day and help us put one front in front of the other. Dates are always hard, because you remember what happened on these dates that brought so much pain to your life, but celebrate that these dates have new meaning, redemption, forgiveness and healing. Praying for you and still very thankful for telling us your story. Your story was comforting to know there is hope if you are willing to fight. btw- jesse standing by you during these times just proves how much he does love you, but you know that!

THE Stephanie said...

Lyr, no need to apologize! You helped so many people thru that series and I don't think you should apologize for speaking the truth.

Just because we know the truth, doesn't make it easy to follow it all the time. But it also doesn't mean we shouldn't speak truth until we are perfect... b/c we never will be.

Press on, friend.

Hi, I'm Susan! said...

your honesty is refreshing and hopefully you can tell from the other comments how much it impacts people. there is no time line for healing so don't push that pressure on yourself to have to be "over it." but i love that you are desiring to be healed for yourself and seeing where you're still holding onto things. that's amazing progress sweetie. love you so much. don't hesitate to call or text if you need anything.

The Laughlin's said...

There is no need to say sorry! Everyone goes though ups and downs, it just mean's your human! Keep your head up! The Laughlin Family is praying for you!

Breeann said...

I feel this way so often in my own struggles. I feel like there are some days that I put on this front that I've overcome everything...but I know I haven't. I've had plenty of things hit me in these past few months that hurt just as much as they would have a year ago. So, I know exactly how you feel. It's hard when you're trying to be strong to admit that you aren't always there. But, I know in our weaknesses, God can be so much stronger. It's all about the letting go and letting Him...which is much easier said than done. I am definitely praying for you this week!

Mrs P said...

I don't think there's any reason to apologize. Sometimes, we feel as if we've got it together and a second later we realize that is sooo wrong. It's definitely not anything to be apologetic for, you portray yourself in your posts and don't worry about what others may think, girl!!

Lilly, Reid, Matt, and Sara said...

While I was reading this post the song Stronger by Mandeesa was on the radio--I think it is appropriate. (c;

Will be praying for you and your family this week!

Sarah D said...

No apologies. I think anyone would be lying if they said they have it all together. We all want to look like we do because it covers for our weaknesses. I'm so thankful for a God that truly does have it all together because I sure need Him to!

Ashley said...

I definitely don't think you need to apologize... you are amazing. I'll be praying for you this week.

Nessa said...

Prayers sent up for you and your family. Don't be so hard on yourself. Healing takes time and so does trust... in your marriage and in the Lord. He is there for you always... no matter what yesterday was like.

Melissa G. said...

No need to apologize! I'm praying you get some extra special time with the Lord this week and that He quiets your heart and that you are able live out the grace and love that He's already so freely given you.
Blessing to you!

Alicia said...

I never once that you came across that you had "all the answers." What I saw was a very humble woman who was candid, and honest. We all struggle with something in one way or another. We'd be liars if we portrayed our lives as perfect. The Lord wants to use your testimony in a mighty way, and the enemy is trying his hardest to destroy that. You are already victorious in Christ!

chambanachik said...

In so many ways, I feel like we are in exactly the same place. I also hate the month of July for the same reasons, and I have been struggling so much over the past few weeks. It is so good to know I'm not alone. I happened to stumble on your blog tonight, and I am so glad I did.