Monday, April 14, 2008

Who am I?

How loud do you have to scream for us to hear you? How blind are we that we can’t see the blessings you give us? How cold are our hearts that all we can ever think about is ourselves? How am I worthy of your love, when all I am is selfish and take from you and your goodness? Who am I to cry before your throne and ask for your strength and mercy? I am broken, God! I am broken…

As I sit here quietly on my bed listening to worship music, I’ve been trying to figure out what is wrong with me. I find myself not knowing who I am anymore. I feel like I have lost myself in someway, and I’m not quite sure where to find… me. I keep trying to hide the fact that something is wrong, but I can only keep this fake smile on for so long. I’m tired of being afraid of what people think. I’m tired of not trusting my own judgment. I’m tired of being lost.

People tell me that this should be the best time of my life; then why am I so sad? I have so many people in dear to me; but then, why do I feel so alone? I feel like I’m being pushed over and over again, and the tears just won’t stop. Who am I? Why do I long for the acceptance of others? I desperately need my heart rescued, I desperately need new life but most of all I desperately need my Jesus.

I was so unique
Now I feel skin deep
I count on the make-up to cover it all
Crying myself to sleep
cause I cannot keep their attention
I thought I could be strong
But it's killing me

Does someone hear my cry?
I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful
Make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart, and be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
Just want to be worthy of love And beautiful

Sometimes I wish
I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

- Bethany Dillion, Beautiful

Jesus, like the song says, make me beautiful again. I raise my hands to you now and stand in awe of your faithfulness and love. Make me new again and step into my heart. Help me see that who I am is quite enough. Help me back to glory.


Kristin Williams Balla said...

You are my beautiful daughter and a beautiful daughter of the King. Praise God! I am blessed.

Susan said...

girl... i know exactly how you feel. on my way home from the gym yesterday i was crying and all i could say was "i don't know who i am anymore... i don't know who i am anymore." i didn't know you were feeling that way, too so thank you for posting that. now i know i'm not alone in those feelings.

Kate said...

I love that song...totally ministers to me! Love u sis and know we all have those times in our life.