Faithful

My mind has been every where for these past few days. I feel like it’s been harder than normal, more depressing, and such a deep feeling of loss. I know this is normal, but how much do I have to deal with, until it stops; there's only so much my body can take, and it's been through quite enough, thank you. When I want to think about something, it's hard to concentrate and when I don't want to think about something, it’s right there showing me disturbing images. Everyday it’s hit or miss... Some days are great and I feel like things are getting back on track, but then there are days like today where I completely derail and feel like I'm never going to get over this. I just feel so worn out… so sad.

As I look back, I can see how God was preparing me for July 21st. In my disillusioned mind, I thought I was going through my trial then, but now I know that the past few months was only intense training for everything to come. God doesn't give you what you can't handle, and before March... I wouldn't have been able to handle this. Not only was God showing me who I was, he was showing me who he is. For five months he talked to me, encouraged me, held my hand, picked me up, wiped my tears, helped me parent my son, and rebuilt my very character from the ground up.

It’s amazing to me how faithful he is! He never left me once; all the long nights, soaking in the word and speaking scripture to me. Sitting in the car for hours, wiping every tear I cried. Teaching me what is truly mean to love, while caring me the entire way. I now know that I wasn't being tested for then... he was preparing me for now. He showed himself faithful, the entire time. I can honestly tell you that I didn’t feel him leave me once. He prepared me for anything, but I feel like I'm failing miserably!

I feel so worn out from the past few months, I feel like the next thing that comes my way is going to keep me down and for good. I feel like God is saying to me once again, “Lyryn, will you trust me?” I know he won’t let me down, but the question still is… can I handle it? It’s funny, when I ask these silly questions, God always rebuttals with words from a song. Damn, He’s good!

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman whose body is racked
With illness, oh how can she laugh?
Oh, 'cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

-Natalie Grant