Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Finding My Narnia

My good friend Steph has inspired me to be a writer like no other. We met through a mutual friend and since then have had a crazy connection that God knew we both needed. Our passions coincide and we seem to always understand each others random thoughts. Since there are three states separating us, we communicate through our love of writing. And boy does she have a way with words! She is such an inspiring woman and truly an amazing person.

In her last email to me she described her new life adventure as “walking into Narnia.” I was floored. It really gave me a whole new perspective and boy did I want to keep reading. When I wrote her back I chose to keep with the theme and tell her about my Narnia. I wanted to share with her that recently I feel that my wardrobe has only been filled with old fur coats. Here is a bit of what I shared with her…

As for my Narnia, I had thought I walked through the wardrobe last year when the whole thing with Jess and I happened. But I have recently noticed that every time I walk into that wardrobe all I find is dirty fur coats. I feel myself slowly turning back into the person I never wanted to be again; a person that is petty and so very selfish. I weaken myself to get assurance, but only hurt myself in the process. I know who I am now so why am I acting like I have no idea who this person is? I guess I’m still trying to figure it out. I’m tired of the same-old stuff. I know there are bigger things out there for me and my family.

I know that there is only one way to get back into Narnia and I know all too well what that will take. The biggest of these is giving all of me - exposing my broken heart and allowing not just my heavenly daddy to come in, but allowing my husband to redeem his place back in my heart. I need to start looking at myself, and deal with all the heart issue that must be worked through to get back into that land where I feel so free. But the hesitation and fear still remain. Will my heart be broken again? At times, I’m scared to even open the doors to the wardrobe because I fear that those fur coats hanging so neatly might start to bleed.

I have a huge need for more fellowship time with my Christian sisters (like you). Not that it’s anyone’s fault but my own, but I feel like at times I withdraw when all I want and/or NEED is some good old fashion “girl time.” You know? I feel like everyone is moving on in their lives and I’m stuck trying to find the key to escape the white witches prison, or worse… turn my cold-stone body back to living, breathing flesh! I don’t know, maybe that’s just my abandonment issue speaking… but I still can’t help but feel a terrible need for my fellow sisters’ companionship.


I know what I need to do to get back into Narnia. I always have known. But this new perspective made me realize something I had never thought about. After writing this, I realized that my Narnia was never complete last year even though I felt so happy then. I was forced to go there, but without my other half. I feel even more compelled to get back to the place where I once felt free, but this time I want nothing more than to be with my husband. There I know I will be truly happy because that is what God intended it to be.

xoxoxox

3 comments:

Susan said...

i'm amazed at your skill with words. it's so beautiful and allows us all a glimpse into your heart which you so carefully guard (and most times, for good reason). i understand that feeling of wanting to withdraw when what you really need is fellowship. i totally walked through that in the beginning of '08 and still find myself going back to that place. it's hard to reach out sometimes and say to someone else, "i need you", because as humans (and more specifically, americans) we're taught that at the end of the day we can only depend on ourselves. that couldn't be further from the truth or from the way God designed us. it's reflected in the very essence of who God is in relation to the trinity- a perfect union of relationship acting out of pure love for the other. that's in the nature of who we were designed to be, but for some reason we run from it. baffling...

wow. almost wrote a whole blog there myself. haha!

well i love you and i'm proud of you for expressing yourself this way. it's part of your healing as well, i believe. :)

Jessica said...

beautiful...

Jennifer said...

Thanks for reading my blog Laryn! I've added yours to my google reader!