Thursday, June 11, 2009


I have been in a funk lately; a rut I just can't seem to climb out of. There are a lot of emotions, frustrations, brokenness, self-pity and unpredictable anger. I'm confused about a lot of thing and can't find the words to articulate how I truly feel; I told my mom that I wanted to be institutionalized because I feel quite crazy. I question myself all the time and doubt my strength as a person. I'm struggling with my self confidence and find myself competing with my own brain! I'm not me... it makes me sad and I need to find her again.

Most people would assume that I'm still struggling with last years crushing blow. Yes, I still have hurts and still have memories, but I feel myself slowly but surely healing and getting past it. Unfortunately, I think this is something I will always have with me and be reminded of. Each year will get easier as times goes on and I think I have finally come to grips with that. I think that my God is capable of anything and has the power to erase my memory of all that has happened, but I don't think he will. I have learned too much from what God has allowed me to walk through, why would he take it away? That person I became because of that walk is the same person I am struggling to find right now.

Last night as I was trying to figure out who and where this person went; I began to realize that she never left. She has just been letting the voice of the Father go unheard and when she was at her strongest, He was the one pouring identity into her. No church, no Word, very little worship, almost no fellowship; how can a girl get filled when there is nothing around from which to be filled?! I long for a church family again and yearn for fellowship with other believers.

I am a broken, hungry child asking her Daddy to hold her again.

hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry
and I wait, and I wait
so I wait for You, so I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life
so I'll wait for You, so I'll wait for You

I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait

hungry I come to you,for I know You satisfy.

~Hungry - Sung by Joy Williams


Broken said...

Oh, Lyryn. I feel as though I could have written this post myself. I don't know what it is that hurts you so, but I do know what it is to be hurt and broken and lost. I've wanted to say this for weeks.. if you ever just want to talk, you can email me at I'll even reveal my identity to you.. like Spiderman and Peter Parker.. hahah
Much love.

renee said...

lyryn, my heart is right there with you. hurt and broken. i'm sure our situations are very different. but i understand your pain. very much so. and i also know that God can heal it. it may take some time...and His time is never ours (dang it)...but He will be with you through it. He has promised that.
maybe that doesn't help, but i've been clinging pretty hard core to Him in the last few weeks. He's been a stronghold.
i'm glad you're letting Him hold you. i'll be praying...

...Mrs. Southern Bride... said...

Goodness...I know the pain of feeling self pity, anger and so many bottled up emotions. Truly I have never found peace unless it was in the arms of Jesus. I hope he gives you the peace you crave...


Mrs. McB said...

I definitely understand what you are struggling with. I often struggle with the same thing. I'm so sorry you are going through this and will be praying for you.

Mary Michal said...

Wow! When I read your words, they were the same words that I've been trying to find. Self-pity, unpredictable anger, brokenness. And just like you, I realize that only through Christ can I be restored. But I'll be honest, sometimes I wish it came in a lightening bolt - fast, bright, and hard to miss. But since I know that's not how He works, I'll continue my daily walk with Him, stubbling though I may.

BTW, love your blog. Thanks for leaving a comment on mine!