By the end of my pregnancy with Jayden I was happy, excited, and so READY to be a mommy! Life couldn't have seemed better and everything was working out just how I had planned it. Not this time... This time, I'm anxious, nervous, and scared at all the "what if's" that could happen. Don't get me wrong, my body is SO ready and I'm happy and excited to see this new little one enter this world, but this time there is something different that plays over and over in the back of my mind.
Will my life somehow repeat itself after this baby?
I know what most of you are thinking, Where is your faith, Lyryn? Trust me, it's there and most days I do hold tight to what God has restored and fixed through these past two years, but it doesn't mean that the enemy still doesn't have his way at times to plant lies of uncertainty in my heart. It kills me to still think of the past, my husband is not that man he once was. God has changed his heart and I know that for sure, but despite the certainty of his love for me and our marriage covenant there are still buried wounds that still need healing.
As we get closer to the arrival of our new little one, I wanted to be proactive in getting my heart right and coming to a place of more complete healing. I have been seeking prayer and healing for all the hurts that I thought I had dealt with, but instead just buried deeply. I no longer want to live in bitterness and fear. I wanted to finally be in a place of TRUE forgiveness, not just toward my husband, but to everyone else involved. I didn't realize how hard that really would be, not to mention all the added hormones pumping through my body!
I'm realizing there are things that I just kept hidden and never really dealt with. So many triggers, so many reminders. Just hearing "that" name will make my stomach drop to the floor. Seeing a place or worse hearing a song on the radio that reminds me of that time in my life will throw me into a crying hysterics. Why haven't I just dealt with this before? What made me push these things aside? I'm still trying to figure it all out. Which at times makes my fears a million times worse. In the end, I know it's just going to take more time.
Even through all this healing, I thank God everyday at how far God has helped bring Jesse and I to get to where we are today. Jesse has been amazing walking me through this healing process and so very understanding. At times I can be so mean and I know it must be just as hard for him to be reminded of things as it is for me. But he keeps telling me to always talk to him about whatever is on my mind so we can always keep our line of communication open and that we never fall into the same traps again. I feel so safe when he says that, I know he is right where he wants to be and I thank God for changing his heart!!!! I feel that we are more in love than ever before and know that this BABY is proof of God's promise to our love and marriage.
Now, just to get these emotions under control before this baby is born would be a great start! :)