Tuesday, July 21, 2009

One Year of Healing

The past few days have been tough for me. I have so many memories of things I would rather forget, and uncertainties I would much rather trust to God. Though this year has brought great strides in my marriage; the enemy still knows just how to get to me and play on each fear that holds me captive. Lies of the past still creep their way back into my mind, but thankfully each day they come less than the day before.

It’s no secret that my husband and I have been through some hard times in our marriage and that the enemy has brought a great battle to destroy this amazing covenant we have. This journey that God has allowed us to walk through has been far from easy, and there is still so much more to uncover. But through God and His abundant grace and mercy He is teaching us to forgive and fall in love all over again. For me, I have found myself falling more madly and deeply in love with a man (who I thought I already knew) even more intimately than I ever did before.

Some people may know our story; but most only know the hearsay of what happened. With permission from my husband, I can tell you just a little piece of our story. I don’t tell you this to show how terrible my life has been or how unfair is the hand that I’ve been dealt, I tell you this to share with you how amazing GOD is and how faithful He is to every promise He has put on our life.

I also want you to see that no matter how tough your life can get, or how uncertain your marriage can be, your marriage is worth fighting for! Though our culture today doesn’t make marriage look too promising and that it might be easier to just throw in the towel or upgrade to something else, you must understand that God HATES divorce and there is something special about what your marriage holds and what your marriage symbolizes. Through our story, I hope that you see that we don’t want our culture to define our marriage. We want you to see that our God is in control of it.

Today is a day that holds little significance to many, but has enormous life-changing significance to me. It was a defining moment in 2008 that made all that I ever believed in, or ever knew, come crashing down in a matter of moments. A day that brought so much clarity on why the past several months had been so brutal for me; and a day that I’m SURE the enemy thought he would finally have his way in my marriage and in our family… dividing it forever.

I knew something was wrong when I went to bed the night before. I had been living with lies and deceit for some time and the only comfort I found was being on my face before Jesus. That night wasn’t any different! I knew something was wrong with my marriage. I knew what it was in my heart, but I was too scared to confront the issue in fear that I would be left broken-hearted and alone.

That night there was an even heavier uneasiness – one that only the Holy Spirit could comfort. Over the past several months I had grown to be more sensitive to the Lord and learned to be more dependent on Him as my husband. I knew that night He was preparing me, preparing my body and preparing me emotionally for what was to be brought to light the next day.

When my husband came home from lunch that day he was very distraught and my heart broke for him and I knew something was terribly wrong. Three little words were all it took to finally have clarity, “You were right.” It didn’t even take me a second to understand what he meant. I knew that my husband was having an affair.

The facade of my perfect little world was no longer so perfect anymore. My heart broke into a million shattered dreams. Before this day, God had been teaching me more about who I was in Him and that all I needed was to hold on to Jesus and He would carry me through. But on that day I was too weak to even lift my hands up to grab hold. I went through a time where I felt crazy and numb to life. This is what Abba-Father was preparing me for? What did I do to deserve this?!?

My shock quickly turned into depression, and then my depression (nearly overnight) turned into anger and bitterness. I must say that I did not act very Christ-like during my “anger” stage. In all honesty, I probably gave the enemy even more room to come in and destroy our marriage. Yet, by the grace of God and talking it out with some of our amazing friends, family and support system, my anger has slowly subsided.

The rest… I guess you can say is history. This is Jesse’s and my heart written out before you so there is no more speculation of what has been “going on” in our marriage. This process has been a long one, and there are still days that affect me more that I’d like them to. With the help of God, I’m slowly allowing my husband to win back my heart and I’m learning to forgive not only my husband for the choices he’s made, but myself for what I have allowed to happen within our marriage.

Though I don’t take blame for the choices Jesse made, God gently reminds me that I’m still far from perfect and I must look at myself and see what I contributed to put our marriage in jeopardy. Everything may seem ok on the outside but people really don’t have any clue what is truly going on. My husband and I have grown so much as people and in our walk with the Lord through this journey. I hope that one day we will be able to help others through this experience and give our testimony to show how great our God is and how quick He is to renew a covenant in utter despair.

Life is filled with so many unexpected twists and turns, it’s important to remember that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. Even when you feel like you can’t handle it, God is still faithful because He places people in your life to help walk you through it. We were blessed to have those people already in our life. To those of you who were there for us, you know who you are and we thank you for all your love and support.

Marriage isn’t easy. It takes hard work and a whole lot of prayer. The enemy is always looking to destroy marriages and he will do what he can to tear a family apart. Your marriage and family are constantly under attack. Don’t let Satan play a dangerous game with your life. Start praying for your family and your marriage daily! Know that there are others out there praying for you too! Don’t let our society define your marriage and allow it to become just another statistic. God is bigger than that, so let the world see that!

43 comments:

Leigh said...

Thanks for sharing what must have been a very painful post to write. Your honesty is very admirable.

This is such a fear of mine...and I used to say that I would leave in a heartbeat if my husband ever cheated on me (well before I was married). But now, I can't say the same thing. I was actually watching the Oprah re-run the other day of John Edwards' wife and what she said really resonated with me. She said that their marriage had so much good in it, and that to walk away from the life they had made together just because of one bad incident vs. all of the many good ones, just didn't seem right.

But still, I can only imagine the pain you've been through as you've had to rebuild your trust and relationship. I'm happy for you that it's all working out!

Mika said...

you are a STRONG lady.

That is my WORST fear and causes me to have insecurities which, in turn, causes other problems...

You give me hope and clarity.

Thank you.

Renee and Brandon said...

I needed to hear this and be reminded marriage is hard but it's worth fighting for. Since having Aiden we have lost sight of "us". Prayin for you!

Jessica said...

This post just broke my heart but at the same time made me smile. It must have been such a difficult time for you, but you showed how strong and dedicated you are. That couldn't have been easy and I can't even begin to imagine how that must have felt.
I hope things keep getting easier for you and your marriage gets stronger and stronger.
P.S. Thanks for checking out my little girls blog. She's a creative little one, so I'm really excited to see what becomes of her blog.

SassyTimes said...

What an inspirational post. You are a VERY strong woman. I think more people should think the way you do regarding marriage. It makes me sad to see so many people throw in the towel so quickly.

I will be praying for you and your marriage always.

Katie said...

well put sister---i think you did a great job of being honest and being that ray of sunshine i know you to be.

xoxox

Lauren said...

Wow...thank you so much for sharing. You are such a strong woman to come out of such a horrible ordeal. I'm so glad that God is now blessing you in your marriage--I have complete faith he will do some incredible things.

Mary Michal said...

Your honesty is amazing. Sometimes I forget that marriage is something God created and He doesn't want us to quit for any reason. You are an extremely strong woman. This would have broken most marriages and most women. Your determination to keep your marriage is refreshing. Thank you for sharing.

Christina said...

I admire your openness. My prayer is that the Lord continues to bring healing and blessing into your life. I love you.

Susan said...

lyr, i hope all these comments have encouraged you. everything that's been said is so true. it blesses me to see you sharing that bold, strong side of yourself that i know is inside you. you have grown throughout this process in amazing ways and while the valley's in life are often difficult to understand you have pushed through and i honor you for that!

i'm so proud to be your bff. i love you sooooooo much. there aren't words to describe what you mean to me. :)

Jennifer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alicia said...

Thank you for sharing that with all of us. I have read a few books that hit on just what you are saying, but to hear it from your first hand experience really hit home. Like Leigh said I always said the same thing, I would leave if I was cheated on, no questions asked. Now I do not know what I would do. My dad had affair when I just few months old and my mom stuck it out and they are still married 25 years later! It goes to show that love can conquer all.

Some good books out there that may help with your journey "For Women Only", "Power of a Praying Wife", and "Created to Be His Help Meet."

LucieP said...

it takes a lot to put that out there girl!

There are two blogs I've been reading that are very inspiring and very real:

http://www.kingdomtwindom.com/

and http://www.profoundlyseth.com/

Do you read them?

Susan D said...

Thank you for your honest sincere post. My dearest friend and prayer partner endured what you described. She and I spent many hours in prayer and tears as God healed them and their marriage. That was several years ago and God is blessing them.

Scars. I have a TON of them. Personally, I'm not so crazy about them, but they definitely tell a story. Blessings, SusanD

morgan823 said...

I thought I had missed something since we've only connected recently. I had an idea what had happened just by your posts here and there but to read it out in the open made my heart break for you. You truly are giving it your all just by sticking with him so I pray and hope it all works out for yall. You are an amazing woman, I'm not so sure I'd be the same in that situation. Hopefully I'll never have to find out.

Jessica said...

Wow, I agree with everyone else...you are a very strong woman. I admire that. I'm so glad that everything is falling into place for you. God had that planned all along.

And to answer your ? on my blog...no, actually my camera was just set on the auto setting in that picture. And thank you, by the way! :0)

Sarah said...

Lyryn, You are truly a beautiful and amazing woman of God!!! WOW, this day really is monumental your life... I'm so proud of you for believing in and fighting for your marriage... I'm sure you are and will be used to help bring much HOPE to many marriages. May the Lord continue to heal, strengthen and protect your marriage...
~Much love

MissJody said...

Thank you for sharing..I imagine

that was not easy for you.

I applaud you and you beliefs.

I value my marriage also...

I work on it daily, and think: How

can I make it better for him, me,

& us.

This is a wonderful and eye

opening post. xoxoxox

The Reverend said...

I commend you on your strength as a person and a Christian. I am very sorry to hear of what you and your husband had to go through and are dealing with now. I understand, from personal experience, what you are going through and all I can say is God has a plan. You may not see it at first but I promise you, and so does He. I went through with a divorce. Not one of my prouder moments but I will say it was before I really... believed. My ex had some very serious trust issues as she constantly accused me and questioned me on being unfaithful. It was untrue but hurtful non the less. Long story short, I began to read the Bible while I was going through the big D and it helped me through a lot of heart ache and helped answer a lot of questions. Gods plan was weird for me, I believe. Because I now have met the most amazing person in the world, my gf. She has truly introduced me to God and to the Church. We had some seriouse talks in the past, because of my past, and I came to realize that Gods plan was for me to meet her. She has opened my eyes and my heart. I know am taking RCIA classes for induction into the Catholic church and feel an immense peace with my life and the feeling I am headed in the right direction. God works in mysterious way. Just remember, you may be your husbands rock, his foundation, and the guiding light for him. So your faith and belief in forgiveness and love will open his eyes to see just how perfect you really are for him. Be his angel, like I was led to mine.

Kait said...

Thank you for your very honest post, I'm sure it wasn't easy to write about. Sometimes people really do forget that marriage is worth fighting for! I so admire you for dong just that, fighting for your marriage! :) I will keep you all in my prayers!

Sarah said...

There's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said. You are wonderful to share and I am thankful that we serve such a wonderful God. Prayers!

Joyful, Joyful, we adore Thee, God of glory, God of light! :-) (I've had the song stuck in my head all day!)

...Mrs. Southern Bride... said...

Wow. Amazing how you may be going through so much, yet continue to encourage and inspire those around you. God bless you, and may He continue to heal your hearts!

Mrs. McB said...

Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life. I am sure you had trouble writing this post. However, I am sure this post will touch many people who have experienced or are experiencing this.
It takes a strong woman to stay and work through your problems. I admire you like I admire my mother. You are truly God's warriors for sticking through this and trying to work things out.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Trina said...

What a powerful post. I know of a couple right now who are talking divorce because one of them has been unfaithful for the 2nd time (with the same person). I admire you for allowing your husband to win your heart back. And I'm glad he wants to. Divorce is such an ugly thing...

Katelyn said...

Thank you for being so vulnerable. Just today I was talking with my co-workers about marriage and about how the covenant is life long. Thank so much for showing young women, single and married, what it's like to trust God in and throughout your marriage. May He be glorified. :)

Megan said...

Wow,thank you for your honesty with your readers. This was such an amazing post. Thank you for sharing.

the weldons said...

i really admire your honesty and ability to put such a painful expirience out for the world to see...it's not an easy thing to do! but it's amazing to see the ways that God has changed you through this, and where he has brought your marriage. like you said, it's worth fighting for! i think we can all see how this could happen in any marriage...a good friend once said to me, "if you think it can't happen to your marriage, look out!"
thanks for sharing lyryn.

Emily said...

wow...thanks for sharing. I can't imagine the struggle you have been through and to remain committed to your husband is just wonderful. I have seen several friend's marriages just fall apart and they just walk way and I want to scream from the rooftops, "fight for your marriage!!!" What a wonderful testimony you have.

Mrs EyeCanSee said...

Thank you for sharing such a personal story. As a newlywed myself I've already learned how hard marriage can be. So much sarifice and compromise goes into making it work, and those are the things people forget to tell you in the fairy tale of it all.

You are a strong person and I admire your will to forgive. If ever put in that situation (and God help me I never have to be) I hope to find even 1/10th of your strength to help me through.

Glad things are taking a turn for the better! Thanks for stopping by my blog yesterday!

Annie said...

as everyone else has said, thank you for sharing this very personal time with us.
you are a very strong woman!
i can't imagine the pain you've felt but i'm glad that now things are getting better. continue to stay strong beautiful!

thekirnancrib said...

Lyryn, thank you so much for sharing this. It spoke to me so deeply. I have a close friend dealing with pretty much the exact same thing and your story gave me hope! You are so strong, beautiful, and I am so encouraged by your blog.

Kathi said...

precious lyryn...

thank you so much for your transparency, and for sharing your painful journey with us. your willingness to include us is an invitation to embrace our own brokeness. what an amazing testimony of how faithful God is as we grieve and as we heal. i am thankful for the work that He's accomplished in you and Jesse. and i am trusting that you guys will touch many, many lives.

no one is without pain but some are deceived into believing that everyone else somehow "has it all together." i believe that what you're going to discover is that the more you share, the more people will open up to you about their own pain and suffering.

it is a beautiful gift that as we share openly and honestly about our weaknesses, we are empowered to stengthen others.

revelation 12:11 says that one of the ways we overcome the enemy is by the word of our testimony. your testimony is glorious, and i commend you for pressing in and pressing on.

and i love you...

Melissa said...

Wow, thanks for sharing your heart. I don't see many people these days really committed and willing to fight for their marriage so to read your story has been an encouragement.
I can see you honoring your husband through the words on your blog. Thank you for your example.

A verse the Lord led me to when I was really struggling with my marriage was Ecclesiastes 3:11. It says "He has make everything beautiful in its time" I knew that if we kept trusting Him then He could make our marriage something beautiful and we would know it was HIM working because there was nothing beautiful about what we had made it. And He has! God is good.

Ashley said...

What a wonderful post.. I got chills reading it because of your strength and faith in God. The Lord will never bring us too much that we can't handle!

Hang in there and keep pressing forward!!

Ashley in Arkansas!

sarah m said...

This is beautifully written...thank you so much for sharing your heart. You peaked my curiousity in your post yesterday when you mentioned your testimony, so I was glad to see a button to it on your sidebar. We are friends with a couple who almost got a divorce, and sometimes they are ashamed of it. I told them I look it as something to be proud of - many couples come to that point and don't make it, or ever acknowledge how bad things are and continue to live in misery. Instead when they (& you) reached that breaking point, they persevered and relied on Him to bring them through, and as a result, their marriage is in a much better place today. And I think that's a beautiful thing. Oh, and I definitely can see this being published...you are very gifted with words! This could be on (in)courage or something along those lines. :)

m@ndy said...

I just found your blog, and I am glad I did. Your testimony will stand in the gap for the healing of many broken hearts.

Shandell said...

I just came across this post today and wanted to thank you for sharing your heart and what God has done to heal your marriage. It seems there are so few people, even Christians, who would allow God to rebuild their marriage after such an incident. He has done such a miracle in your lives and I'm sure that He uses your pain and ultimate healing to comfort others in similar situations.

Katie said...

Wow, girl. I know it takes a lot to share something like this. I appreciate that you did because I am sure that your words will be able to help someone in the future. Praise God that He held your family together.

Taylor @ Jimmy Choos and a Baby Too said...

Wow what a great testimony! It takes a strong woman to share that and you are inspiring! Praise the Lord that yall have such a strong family!

Brodricks said...

My husband and I actually did divorce but still continued to stay friends. It was what he wanted so I really didn't feel like I had a choice. We are now remarried and stronger than ever. Marriage is such work but it is so worth it!
Thank you for being so open and honest, I know it is hard.

Carol {Everyday Delights} said...

You are such a strong woman and by having gone through this I can see that you guys have a very strong marriage that no evil can ever break.

Jenny said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Raven said...

Thank you so much for writing this! You probably will never know how many other people you are helping. I am so with you on the enemy wanting to destroy so many people/relationships/marriages, but only God can heal, and from what I've read so far, it seems like you two are getting back on track and that is awesome and a great testimony. God bless you and your beautiful family!

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