The past few days have been tough for me. I have so many memories of things I would rather forget, and uncertainties I would much rather trust to God. Though this year has brought great strides in my marriage; the enemy still knows just how to get to me and play on each fear that holds me captive. Lies of the past still creep their way back into my mind, but thankfully each day they come less than the day before.
It’s no secret that my husband and I have been through some hard times in our marriage and that the enemy has brought a great battle to destroy this amazing covenant we have. This journey that God has allowed us to walk through has been far from easy, and there is still so much more to uncover. But through God and His abundant grace and mercy He is teaching us to forgive and fall in love all over again. For me, I have found myself falling more madly and deeply in love with a man (who I thought I already knew) even more intimately than I ever did before.
Some people may know our story; but most only know the hearsay of what happened. With permission from my husband, I can tell you just a little piece of our story. I don’t tell you this to show how terrible my life has been or how unfair is the hand that I’ve been dealt, I tell you this to share with you how amazing GOD is and how faithful He is to every promise He has put on our life.
I also want you to see that no matter how tough your life can get, or how uncertain your marriage can be, your marriage is worth fighting for! Though our culture today doesn’t make marriage look too promising and that it might be easier to just throw in the towel or upgrade to something else, you must understand that God HATES divorce and there is something special about what your marriage holds and what your marriage symbolizes. Through our story, I hope that you see that we don’t want our culture to define our marriage. We want you to see that our God is in control of it.
Today is a day that holds little significance to many, but has enormous life-changing significance to me. It was a defining moment in 2008 that made all that I ever believed in, or ever knew, come crashing down in a matter of moments. A day that brought so much clarity on why the past several months had been so brutal for me; and a day that I’m SURE the enemy thought he would finally have his way in my marriage and in our family… dividing it forever.
I knew something was wrong when I went to bed the night before. I had been living with lies and deceit for some time and the only comfort I found was being on my face before Jesus. That night wasn’t any different! I knew something was wrong with my marriage. I knew what it was in my heart, but I was too scared to confront the issue in fear that I would be left broken-hearted and alone.
That night there was an even heavier uneasiness – one that only the Holy Spirit could comfort. Over the past several months I had grown to be more sensitive to the Lord and learned to be more dependent on Him as my husband. I knew that night He was preparing me, preparing my body and preparing me emotionally for what was to be brought to light the next day.
When my husband came home from lunch that day he was very distraught and my heart broke for him and I knew something was terribly wrong. Three little words were all it took to finally have clarity, “You were right.” It didn’t even take me a second to understand what he meant. I knew that my husband was having an affair.
The facade of my perfect little world was no longer so perfect anymore. My heart broke into a million shattered dreams. Before this day, God had been teaching me more about who I was in Him and that all I needed was to hold on to Jesus and He would carry me through. But on that day I was too weak to even lift my hands up to grab hold. I went through a time where I felt crazy and numb to life. This is what Abba-Father was preparing me for? What did I do to deserve this?!?
My shock quickly turned into depression, and then my depression (nearly overnight) turned into anger and bitterness. I must say that I did not act very Christ-like during my “anger” stage. In all honesty, I probably gave the enemy even more room to come in and destroy our marriage. Yet, by the grace of God and talking it out with some of our amazing friends, family and support system, my anger has slowly subsided.
The rest… I guess you can say is history. This is Jesse’s and my heart written out before you so there is no more speculation of what has been “going on” in our marriage. This process has been a long one, and there are still days that affect me more that I’d like them to. With the help of God, I’m slowly allowing my husband to win back my heart and I’m learning to forgive not only my husband for the choices he’s made, but myself for what I have allowed to happen within our marriage.
Though I don’t take blame for the choices Jesse made, God gently reminds me that I’m still far from perfect and I must look at myself and see what I contributed to put our marriage in jeopardy. Everything may seem ok on the outside but people really don’t have any clue what is truly going on. My husband and I have grown so much as people and in our walk with the Lord through this journey. I hope that one day we will be able to help others through this experience and give our testimony to show how great our God is and how quick He is to renew a covenant in utter despair.
Life is filled with so many unexpected twists and turns, it’s important to remember that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. Even when you feel like you can’t handle it, God is still faithful because He places people in your life to help walk you through it. We were blessed to have those people already in our life. To those of you who were there for us, you know who you are and we thank you for all your love and support.
Marriage isn’t easy. It takes hard work and a whole lot of prayer. The enemy is always looking to destroy marriages and he will do what he can to tear a family apart. Your marriage and family are constantly under attack. Don’t let Satan play a dangerous game with your life. Start praying for your family and your marriage daily! Know that there are others out there praying for you too! Don’t let our society define your marriage and allow it to become just another statistic. God is bigger than that, so let the world see that!