I was told the second baby is no big deal. You know how to be a mommy, there shouldn't be any surprises; that this time around should be a walk in the park. I am convinced that the ones who gave me this advice had a very difficult baby the first time around and their second must have been a piece of cake. I however was super lucky with my first baby.
Jayden was simple... He was sleeping through the night 8-10 hours by 3 months and was pretty chill most of the time. He was content just sitting in the swing and swinging for hours. I could get so much done!! Ian, on the other hand, is the complete opposite of his big brother. He is much more needy and always wants to be held. He is up at least three times at night, though he has pulled a few 5 hour stretches which were super nice. I'm told by others that I shouldn't worry and that Ian is a "normal" baby. That I was really lucky with Jayden and that most babies are just like Ian. Dang... I sure was spoiled!!!
Can I be honest? I feel like such an inexperienced mommy, like I have never mothered before. I feel like I have jumped into the ocean without a lift raft and am struggling to keep afloat. Not only were my expectations of nursing shattered, but I feel like I have neglected Jayden as well because he IS so independent. I think that sometimes I forget to spend one-on-one time with him when I do get the chance. I kind of feel like I'm being pulled in every direction and don't have time to even gather my thoughts, which for me... is not a good thing. Am I alone in feeling this way? Did anyone else feel this? Or am I crazy?
I'm sorry, I totally realize that I'm complaining here. Don't get me wrong, I'm so in love with our new little addition and he brings so much joy to our family! There are so many good things that have come from this new season in our lives and I don't forget to thank God for all of it, but this post is about me adjusting to this new life and how hard a transition it has been for me. What I guess I'm trying to saying is that it has been a complete lifestyle shock to me. Lack of sleep, not knowing what I can do to sooth my little man's tummy hurts, and very little me time... All of this has hit me like a ton of bricks and it's getting harder to breath. I find that a part of me is sitting here confused and asking God, "Why has this time been so hard?"
Now that I have taken the time to really write down my feelings and reflect these past two months (Which is why I love writing and blogging so much), I'm brought to a revelation and some conviction. I have come to the conclusion that not only was I spoiled before Ian, but that I was still very selfish and have been keeping God on a little shelf that I can bring down when it's convenient for me. As a mom, selfishness must become a thing of the past, you must lay yourself down. It is no longer just about you. I was convinced that I had already "died to self" once Jayden was born and after that treacherous walk through the fire with my marriage. I'm pretty sure I may have confused "dieing to self" with pride and life experience hurts, because I see some of those old habits creeping up quickly in my spirit and need to nip it in the butt now.
Though I am very good about spending time with the Lord and getting my devotion in for the day, it is always on my time and my schedule. And these past two months haven't been any different. Letting God down when I wanted him, parenting on my OWN understanding and my OWN strength. No wonder it's been so hard!! Where has God been in all this? Yep, sitting up on that shelf where I put him just waiting for me to ask him to come help!
Adjusting to new life changes (like a 2nd baby) is hard, but it would be a lot easier if I would just let go of my pride and let God off that shelf and let Him help me. He will never steer me wrong, but I need to be more sensitive to when He is speaking and I believe that has been a major player in the way I've been feeling lately.
Thank you Father for revealing yourself to me today and continue to help me seek more of you on a daily bases to raise my children the way you would have me raise them. Give me strength and wisdom to the best wife I can be and an even better mother than I have been in the past.
Question for Mom's: Have any of you felt this way after your second or third child? What did you do to help feel better about your day and better about being a good mom? Also... how do you mom's that have multiple children find the time to blog? I know I had no excuse before Jayden, but now when I do have time I'm either trying to nap because I'm so exhausted or clean my house because it's so filthy. I know blogging is such a release for me and helps me process so much of what I'm feeling. So it's something I really need to make some time for. I would love to hear from you!