Being a mom can be hard. I think that most of the time we as moms tend to be more critical of ourselves than other. I know that I’m always wondering what I could be doing better, if I’m giving my kids the attention they need or sometimes thinking how I could be more fun and creative with them. I’m always the first to doubt myself… I don’t really see myself as a role model. I’m still very young and trying to find my way through all the craziness known as parenting. Occasionally there are moments that can leave you in utter disbelief because you realize, in one moment, that your children have heard what you have been saying and it’s not just going through one ear and out the other.
For me, that moment came when Jayden started talking about Jesus. I was so excited, so proud that what I had been saying was rubbing off on him. He started by pointing to his belly and saying “Mommy, Jesus lives here.” I gently redirected his finger towards his heart and said, “Yes, sweetie He lives inside you and in your heart.” It made my heart melt one day when he started telling people in Target. I couldn’t believe it… My little evangelist wanting to tell the world about Jesus!
A few days later he told my husband, “Daddy, I want to grow up big like Jesus. And He carries.” My heart was just about a pile of mush by now. This past week many of our little conversations have been about Jesus. He no longer asks for mommy to kiss his boo-boo’s; instead he asks mommy to pray for them. And sometimes (not all the time) he will be the one that reminds me to pray with him.
This past week I have been beaming with pride and joy. The more and more he talked about Jesus, the prouder and prouder I became; at times maybe even a little too proud. Like a puffed up peacock, I would sometimes ask Jayden the questions in front of family and friends, “Where does Jesus live?” And he would always have the same answer, “Jesus lives in my heart.” Because, my gosh… MY SON KNEW ABOUT JESUS! I thought to myself, little by little, I’m raising my child to know Jesus or at least try to understand that you CAN have a personal relationship with Jesus even though you can’t physically see Him.
I must be a good mother now, right?
Yesterday after I put my boys to bed, I started to think about all the questions Jayden had been asking me and how he has been looking for Jesse and me to show him the way. Suddenly I was brought to tears, so I started to pray. As I sat there in silence I could feel the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart.
“I want you to want me like your child wants me.”
I started to sob.
“I want you to walk with Me, like Jayden hangs on to every word you say. I want you to cling to Me, like Jayden clings to you when he’s scared. I want you to trust Me, like Ian trusts you to feed him when he is hungry. I want you to spend time with Me, like you do when you are reading a bedtime story to your son. I want you to love Me like a child.”
Why hadn’t I ever thought of that before? I have heard the phrase child like love… but never placed it in that context. There are so many ways to love your heavenly Father and yet, it had never been as clear as it was last night. I saw things in a different perspective, a childlike perspective. My three year old son had taught me something without even knowing it! All this talk about Jesus and yet his own mommy wasn’t giving that same Jesus enough of her time. Needless to say that proud mommy moment ended up becoming a humbling and convicting experience.
These past few months there has been one verse constantly on my heart and I have been trying to set it firm within my spirit. Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” I need to lead by example. Words are just words. I can sing Jesus loves me until I’m blue in the face, but if I’m not living it then I’m not teaching my child anything of lasting value. I want nothing more than to raise my son's to be wonderful Godly men. I'm just glad God chose this moment to reveal something so profound in such a simple way.