I. Am. That. Girl!
That morning as I woke up, I had no idea what was about to happen. Though I was still confused about why Jesse was crying in the shower the night before, I decided to let it go because the last thing he wanted me to do was nag him about that. That morning at work Jesse stopped by my desk and asked me to read this letter he put carefully in an envelope. I opened it up and there in plain sight was his resignation letter for his job. Now I was really confused!!! What the heck was going on? This made no sense. I knew he was frustrated with his job, but to quit? I was hurt that I wasn't even included in this discussion. That was our livelihood, what was he going to do? Was he going to find a new job? Why hadn’t he talked to me about this?
I went into the showroom as calmly as possible and asked him quietly to come out and discuss this with me. He was pretty much in tears and was not saying a word. I begged him to tell me what was wrong. I didn’t like seeing him so distraught. Though I had suffered months of hurt and rejection, I still loved him with all my heart and hated to see him in so much pain. He told me he couldn’t talk about it right then and that he would tell me on his lunch break. Needless to say, MY DAY WAS SHOT! Every situation was going through my head - yes even that one. I did as much work as I could and eagerly waited for 2pm to roll around.
As he walked into our home, he was still in tears. I knelt at his feet (again), told him I loved him and asked him to please tell me what was going on. The first words out of his mouth were, “You were right.” I knew exactly what he meant. It took a minute; I mean a good few minutes to sink in because at first I felt nothing. I then asked, “Do you love her, do you want to be with her or me? Do you even love me anymore?” He simply replied, “I don’t know.”
After a minute of processing all the lies, places and all the things he was absent for because of her, I could no longer hold it in. “YOU DON’T KNOW?!?!” I FREAKED out. I mean went completely AWOL on his ass. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t keep myself from wanting to kill him and then driving over and stabbing her with the same knife that was just plunged into my heart. There was no more composed, sweet, understanding Lyryn. There was no more being Christ-like. There was no more giving him understanding for all the crap he put me through these past four months. There was absolutly no more respect for his feelings or thoughts.
Unfortunately, in all the anger and chaos I was not being a very good mother either… you might even call me the worst mother ever. Poor Jayden saw the whole thing. To this day I regret that I couldn’t keep myself together long enough to put him first. I screamed and hit Jesse and hit him pretty hard. I chased him up the stairs and almost threw his brand new iPhone at the wall so that his precious connection line to her would no longer work. I felt like I had multiple personality disorder that no medication could ever cure. One moment telling him to get out and never come back, to then showing moments of weakness and being scared of losing all that we had together and then asking if he still wanted me in his life.
He saw how pissed off I was and how uncontrollable I was acting and he didn’t want to deal with it right then. After all, he had just lost the person closest to him (in his head) so he had more to worry about than how I was reacting to all of this. He was so ticked off by the way I was acting that he told me he wanted a divorce and then said he was going back to work. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! He was not getting off that easy, so if you think I was crazy before, you are going to think I completely lost it after I tell you what happened next.
I snatched up Jesse’s keys from him and I left Jayden in bouncer knowing that Jesse couldn’t go anywhere without his keys and I ran to my car to drive off. Obviously Jesse wasn’t going to have that, so he went commando on me and jumped on the hood of my car so I wouldn’t drive off with his keys. Well crazy me, I wasn’t going to let that stop me since he had just shattered my hopes and dreams into oblivion. So I literally drove down the block with him hanging on to the hood of my car. Yes, I realize that wasn’t safe in the least, but honestly I wasn’t in my right mind at the time and he wasn’t exactly talking me off the ledge here. I’m aware that I did a million things wrong that day that I should have never even considered doing, but safety (and Jesse’s at that) wasn’t my concern right then. My concern was that my heart was broken and my family was about to fall apart despite the fact that I was close to killing the father of my child!!!!
After I got to the end of the block something clicked inside me. I felt like God was saying, “STOP, let him be. I will take care of him!” In an instant I stopped being mentally unstable Lyryn and went back to being the woman that God had been training these past few months. I realized that God was in control and yet again, I could not change who Jesse had become. I asked him nicely to get off the hood of my car, gave him back his keys and drove back to get my son. Jesse went back to work leaving the last thing being said between us that he wanted a divorce.
I wasn’t going to let Lauren off so easily either. After ignoring me for the past few months I knew what was really going on now and it all made complete sense. I dialed Lauren’s number and calmly and composed as can be said, “When can I see you? You at least owe me that.” She agreed and we discussed a time. Unfortunately there were still so many hours to kill before that ever-anticipated meeting and so many people to tell what had just happened.
Come back tomorrow for part 2...