Monday, April 4, 2011

Let Me Break it Down for Ya

I was that girl who found the love of her life at only fifteen, the girl who fell in love with her high school sweet heart. He swept me off my feet and carried me all the way down to the altar. He was my shoulder to cry on, my partner, my best friend, the one I saw myself growing old with. On December 20th, 2003 I promised to love, honor and cherish him all the days of my life and so did he.  I… was also the girl who said it could never, ever happen to me.

I never thought that my husband would ever have an (gulp…) affair. Jesse had made some mistakes in the past, but all that was behind us. Jesse also dealt with a lot of demons and watched his father be unfaithful to his mom several times. He was so angry with him, even denouncing his father and what he had done. Jesse saw how it tore down his mother; he saw the heart break it brought to his family. But even all that did not stop the devil from planting one selfish idea and for Jesse to selfishly carry it out.

Let me hit you with a few statistics. Did you know that 60% of men and 40% of women will have an affair at some point in their marriage? It is estimated that 53% of all people will have one or more affairs during their life time and that younger people are more likely candidates; in fact younger woman are just as likely as younger men to be unfaithful (womansavers.com). It breaks my heart to look at these statistics. The numbers have only been getting higher.

Affairs are completely taboo. Those of us who have gone through one almost always do everything in our power to cover it up and try to move on with our healing. It’s such a touchy subject, especially in the Christian community. Now a-days (yes, even us Christians) it’s all about keeping up with the “Jones’s” and the Jones’s are pretty much perfect. Ya hearin’ me?

No one wants to be seen with their family in pieces. No one wants to admit that their happy little marriage is falling apart around them. Nobody ever wants to look like a bad Christian and admit that their walk with Jesus has been seriously lacking. No one wants to look like they are completely clueless, because this might have just come out of left field. No one wants to be judged by others, because LORD knows… you will be judged. Nobody wants to lose people in their life because others feel weird around you now that this has come out.  Nobody wants to deal with all the opinions and advice coming at them while dealing with something that is already too much to process. Lastly, nobody wants to hear, “You are so much stronger than I am, because I would have kicked my husband out on his ass.” People, someone who has just been told that the love of their life cheated on them doesn’t want to hear that… would you?!

If you’ve had an affair or had it happen to you, more than likely you have kept it quite private and only told a handfull of close and trusted friends or family. It’s not like you’re running off telling the world that your man/woman just messed up, I mean, who does that? I’m sure you can also relate a lot to the above comments. In most cases the hurt partner is still very much in love with the affaire' and oftentimes your gut reaction will be to protect that person at all costs whether you think they deserve it or not. This is where it gets hard for the people who love you the most to communicate to you how they feel and how they want to support you because most of the time they just want to kill that person and be done with it.  Right?!

My heart in this is to also help people understand how to help friends in situations like this. Nobody ever wants to see their friend go through something like this and as friends you are going to want to protect that friend as best as you can. Unfortunately, most of the time these close friends and family will rarely have little idea what you are feeling and have no way of verbally comforting you; which will ultimately leave you feeling misunderstood with the choices being made and very much alone.

It’s so important to have a strong support system through all stages of your life. You’ll need it if you go through something like this. I want to help people who have been blessed enough to never see this happen in their own relationship, better understand and be able to help the friends and family that might have this happen to get through it in a more positive way. Bottom line is that not all of us have been there. I want to give insight to those people who don’t know what to do or say to their loved one, and show them that they can be that support system your friend will so desperately need.

For the past year, I have had this ongoing passion to not only make people aware that affairs do happen and it can happen to anyone; but also to communicate that marriages are important and WORTH fighting for even in cases of adultery. Our God is so merciful and gives grace daily even though we don’t deserve it. The Father’s love for us has shown me how I must love my husband even through the worst of times just like I vowed to him and my God 7 years ago. I believe that telling our story will inspire those who have walked this path before to be more open and honest about it. I also believe that in our story, there is a message of redemption and grace that can only be seen because of the amazing faithfulness of our Heavenly Father.

Like I’ve said before, all month we will be giving you access to our deepest hurts and the painful journey we had to walk through to get where we are today. How God’s redeeming love for me showed me how possible it was to have redeeming love in my marriage. We will be touching on almost everything. Through this journey you will also be hearing from the man himself (Jesse) and what he has learned through this process. We will also be taking questions from you all through this series.  Either comment or email us and then every Friday we will be posting those questions for you to see. If you want to comment anonymously, we understand and hope you still do so.

We would so love it if you would join us on this journey of healing and restoration. We are still learning and still in need of more healing, but God is so amazing and has been so faithful throughout this process that we want to be small light of hope for the ones that are struggling to find it in silence. I believe God has big things in store this month and we thank you all so much for joining us!

(I will also be posting songs that have spoken to my heart.  Songs from then and song that are still ministering to me for healing.)

Click link below to hear

26 comments:

Abby said...

THIS is a great post, and I think it portrays the hurt and the pain that goes along with this....It will break a marriage apart if you don't let forgiveness and grace reside in your heart, God is SO gracious and loving and He has the strength when you don't:)
Great Job, continue to be the voice for this kind of hurt! God will/IS using you!

Christina said...

I think what you are doing is great. I hope that at the end of all of this I can have a better understanding for what you and Jesse went through as well as people around me so that I can be a better friend in times of need.

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

Proud of you guys for sharing your story.

xo
Katie

Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ Jessica said...

I love what the both of you are doing here. As touching & hard this has to be, me as a engaged bride to me, to my high school sweetheart from age 15 loves reading and learning that life & love is not a fairytale. It can happen to anyone. I'm very much looking forward to your daily posts. Thank you!

Rachel said...

I'm definitely looking forward to more posts this month. You're so brave for putting this out there for everyone with the thought that it could help others.

In my experience, even the "Jones'" are not as perfect as they seem, every relationship has problems. That's life. The difference is couples that embrace that reality and plan to constantly work on their marriage, and the couples that think it will be easy and perfect for the rest of their lives.

Tonja said...

I am so glad you are doing this! I am ashamed to admit, but I am the one who had the affair in my relationship. And after a year my husband and I are still trying to put our marriage back together. It has been hard with lots of people telling us we should just gie up and move on. But here we are, almost one year later still fighting to save our marriage and make it better than it was before.

I am hoping that reading your story will kind of help me understand what my husband is going through. He doesn't talk about it, hoping that it will all go away.

I am praying for y'all. And I think what you are doing is going to help so many people.

Sarah-Life is what you make it said...

It's true, we all think that it will never happen to us. But it could.

Katie A. said...

Thank you so much for putting all of this into words. Having been through an affair in my own marriage, I can truly say that I completely understand. My hope is that God will use my bad mistakes and the miracles that He has worked through them to minister to others, and I love seeing that there's another couple out there that feels the same way. I've thought several of the things you've said, but never really known how to put them into words, so I'm so thankful that God has given you the courage and the right words to put them out there to minister to others. We are 2 years after my affair became known (and ended) and we still struggle on a daily basis. So glad to have another couple who has been through this and were willing to fight for their marriage!

Jami Jones said...

I think what you are sharing is amazing. Not everyone could go through what you have and be able to talk about it. Those of us that haven't gone through a affair seriously have no idea what the hurt is. I love how strong you are, how you have fought for your marriage, and how God has truly used you! Your an amazing women! I look forward to hearing more. I am behind you a 100% when you say a marriage is worth fighting for, the devil works daily to ruin what God has joined!

Lucy Marie said...

Thank you for having the courage and grace to share your story. Praise Jesus for the restoration of your marriage. I'm looking forward to learning from your story.

Chicago Mom (Heather) said...

You are amazing. I love that you are doing this. I do think that marriage is worth fighting for, even if someone cheats. I would want to forgive and move past it too. Can't wait to read the rest of your story.

Megan said...

I have a feeling that with God and your story that I will heal more, and my husband and I will get over the past and move forward from our hurt as well. I thank you for opening up about such a "hush hush" topic.

Brittany Ann said...

I think what we sometimes forget is that God is good, even in the worst of times. If we turn to him, He can heal anything. It takes work. Sometimes, we suffer in an Earthly sense. But if we turn our eyes on Him, even in the darkest moments of our marriage, He can restore us.

Lyr, thank you sooooo much for sharing this.

Angie said...

I hope this helps so many people. I know God is speaking through you guys.

Marriages are worth fighting for, and most people don't understand unless they have been though an affair themselves.

I am eager to follow along with you guys this month!

Meredith said...

Thanks for sharing your story!

Laura said...

I think it's great you're doing this, and I believe lives will be touched because of it. :)

Okie Rednecks said...

You and Jesse are amazing! You will touch so many. Although we haven't talked a lot thank you for listening to me. You gave me a voice to begin being more honest and open.

Okie Rednecks said...

You and Jesse are amazing! You will touch so many. Although we haven't talked a lot thank you for listening to me. You gave me a voice to begin being more honest and open.

Okie Rednecks said...

You and Jesse are amazing! You will touch so many. Although we haven't talked a lot thank you for listening to me. You gave me a voice to begin being more honest and open.

Okie Rednecks said...

You and Jesse are amazing! You will touch so many. Although we haven't talked a lot thank you for listening to me. You gave me a voice to begin being more honest and open.

Okie Rednecks said...

You and Jesse are amazing! You will touch so many. Although we haven't talked a lot thank you for listening to me. You gave me a voice to begin being more honest and open.

Hi, I'm Susan! said...

so excited to support you in this journey! i am so proud of how far you have both come and how you've surrendered your hearts and lives to the Father- for His glory! yay!!!

Nessa said...

As a married woman, and as a friend of other married women, I am looking forward to the lessons, insite and support this series is sure to offer. This happens more than people know and it doesn't always have to end in divorce.

Melissa said...

I'm so proud of you for stepping out and sharing your story!

Melanee said...

thank you thank you. i look forward to reading more.

Alicia said...

I think this is amazing that you both are sharing this!!!