It has taken a long time for that wall of fear to come down. Even now, I have thoughts that still linger in the back of my mind - many of them include the dreaded question, “What If?” I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jesse loves me and that we are stronger in our marriage than ever before, but what happens if we do see tough times again?
Right now, that is where my heart is. Though the walls are down, the bricks are far from gone... I still haven't completely let go of the fear and the constant reminder of what once was. I'm not sure why I haven't cleaned up all the bricks laying beside my heart. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I think there is a piece of me that leaves them there, just in case I need to start rebuilding again.
For me even after three years, fear can still creep up on me in a matter of seconds. At first it was constant (which is normal), but you must at some point learn to start trusting again. I still have issues with certain dates - dates that bring me back to feeling a certain way (like Mother's Day) and fear will physically take hold and I will withdrawal. There are places my husband and I pass where we live (also knowing it was a place he took her sometimes) and as he causally looks over in that direction (NOT EVEN thinking about her) and fear will rise up in me that maybe he was thinking about Lauren.
Crazy? I know!
One of the things that I thought I would never get over was meeting people with the name Lauren (of course this is not her real name but we are going to go with this, let’s just say it’s a common name). Up until last year it was difficult for me to even meet or smile at a girl named Lauren.
I know how horrible that sounds. How Christian like, right?!
But it was a HUGE trigger in my life. HUGE!!! God knew that this was something I wanted to overcome. I really prayed hard, I hated this about myself; I hated that I judged every Lauren out there without even knowing them. God knew exactly what I needed. It wasn’t going to take an intervention, or intercessory prayer meeting that would leave me slain in the spirit for hours, it wouldn't even take for all the Lauren's in the world to go extinct. None of that would have made a difference.
He knew I needed someone to enter my life that happened to share that same name. He knew that I needed this person to show me that I could feel safe again with a girl named Lauren. I needed to feel that all the Lauren's in the world weren’t all out to steal my husband and that I could have a true friendship with someone that (mentally for me) had so much pain behind it. I know this sounds stupid. I know it does! I feel stupid even admitting it to everyone, but this was a big struggle for me. Petty, eh?
God knew what I needed and He did just that. About a year ago, my husband and I had the privilege of meeting this amazing couple at our church, and get this… the wife’s name is “Lauren.” Go figure, right? Well, she has been a Godsend! She is an amazing lady who loves the Lord. We all get a long wonderfully. I’m so glad that God brought her into my life and I thank God for helping me get over the fear of all Laurens or else I wouldn’t have such a wonderful friendship today.
The other fear that I had to get over was being pregnant with Ian.
Don’t get me wrong… Ian is such a gift and God had a perfect timing for his arrival into our family. But for just a moment see where I was coming from. Remember my post the other week on being a “single mom?” Remember how my first experience of being a mom is doing it all on my own and having my husband abandon me?
Again, I know this sounds stupid, but this was my fear! I believed that I was going to get my heart broken all over again. In my mind, it was just a matter of months before my postpartum depression set in and my husband would get tired of me, this time leaving me with two kids. I was terrified! The devil sure did have a heyday with that fear, but thankfully I also had a lot of people praying for me and my husband reassuring me EVERY DAY that he was there and loved me very much.
Though my fear was strong, God still came through for me. Half way through the pregnancy He gave me such peace. The pregnancy brought more healing than I could ever imagine. I also believe that God was also speaking to Jesse’s heart and always reminding him to encourage me and us as a couple. I prayed over our family daily and just rebuked satan’s lies. Then beautiful Ian Bray arrived, and there was even more peace. That doesn’t mean that I still didn’t struggle, but it was better than I thought. I mean come on... who could not love this little guy?!?!
Our family life is what blesses me the most when looking back at what we once almost lost. If we hadn’t fought to save it, we wouldn’t have Ian Bray here today. Thank you JESUS!
Fear…. I hate that it rules so much of my life at times. But I’m a work in progress and God is always teaching me new things. Now that I have made myself look like the Hitler for all Lauren’s out there and the most terrible mother for being so fearful through my pregnancy and almost speaking death into our family by saying that Jesse was going to do this again, I think I’m going to stop talking about all my fears.
The bottom line is that it takes time, it takes healing, but mostly it takes prayer and trusting God to take those fears from you. I will tell you that it is a battle, but it’s worth it when you are finally free.
Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.