I'm Alive... Just Being Still

Sorry I've been MIA for a week now.  I know I have lots of things to say, however I just don't know how to go about writing them.

My spirit has been telling me to be still, lay low, listen for the Holy Spirit.  {Psalm 46:10} Gentle whispers, asking me to "be still and just know that He is God."  Teaching me that He is in control of my life and that He has a plan and a purpose for me.  Asking me to take in ALL of who HE is.  This... is what I have been doing.

I want to thank all of you for the amazing love and support you sent our way last week. All the prayers that came our way were very much felt, and Jesse and I want to thank you all so much for loving us.  We got amazing comments, beautiful emails and some wonderful texts on Thursday just telling us that we are loved and supported and it blessed me more than you will ever know. 

For now, I'll just leave you with a song that has been just soaking into my spirit this past week....

Hold Me Together

Royal Tailor

Funny How Thing Come to be

It's funny how in just a year things can change.

Life is COMPLETELY different!
Priorities, relationships, responsibility and even what you see for yourself.
Good, bad, and some in between.
Life sure is a journey.
For instance...
I'm pretty sure no one really reads my blog anymore. Unlike a year ago.
I have learned to "play" with my kids in a way I wouldn't have a year ago.
I've seen relationships grow and have sadly seen some go through a time of separation.
And in the last few months alone, I have had new goals and dreams for my life.
Funny how things come to be...

There are strides I'm trying to make, both personally and spiritually.
A year ago I struggled with my blog being a source of self worth.
FOR ME... it held be back from letting God be the source of explaining who I am to Him.
God had to knock me off my high horse and put me in my place.
Boy did He do that!
I have more of an imagination then ever before.
With a little crazy boy by my side you have to be on your toes.
Either playing pirates on the playground or playing Toy Story inside,
There is lots of fun to be had in our home.

We all walk threw our own season in life.
For me it has been a looonngggg, hard walk.
From praising God for what He has done with my marriage.
To grieving the relationship I once had only a year ago.
Emotional in both aspects, but always seeing growth in a positive way.
I have more passion then ever before to make something of my life.
I don't want to be the perfect mom, because no one is perfect.
I want to be the best mom for MY kids. Period.

I want to have a bakery one day.
A place where I can be creative and make special cakes for the people I love most!
And also serve our community through my work.

I want to take photography classes.
Right now, I am educated by Goggle University.
Not bad, when you want to get something done...
but I know there is something I'm missing and can always learn.

Passion?
That is certainly something I have more of this year.
And that is something I can be proud of.
Funny how things come to be.

Facebook Addiction

Hi.
My name is Lyryn.
And I'm and addict.
My drug of choice...
Facebook.

Yesterday I was on (yes you guessed it...) Facebook and an old friend from high school posted this link to an article from Relevant Magazine that brought conviction over me like God Himself was whacking me in the head. This article entitled Is Facebook Killing Our Soul?, written by Shane Hipps; confirmed even more in my spirit what God has been telling all along and to kick this terrible habit called Facebook.

I must say that THIS is not my proudest moment. Who in the world ever admits to being addicted to a social networking site? Not anyone I know... But unfortunately this is a problem I
can't seem to run away from. It's controlling. I allow it to be controlling. Much like pornography can be for many men. It sucks you in, chews you up and then spits out a word vomit of lies. Then you do everything you can to step away from it, but because of it's intrigue you willingly go back. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Facebook is pornography in anyway. (I can hear the Facebook Lover lynch mob coming for me now) I'm just saying that Facebook (for ME) is like that addiction/cycle that just keeps me from getting to a place I need to be emotionally and spiritually.

I recently have been very aware about how Facebook has been effecting me. And for someone who already has self esteem and acceptance issues... Facebook only makes me that much more self conscious, emotional and flat out bi-polar. What's worse... is that those same emotions reflects right back into my status updates.

Lookout, crazy girl on the loose!

I find myself checking my phone frequently to see who posted a new status. Who's on, What my friends are up too, did anyone comment on my status, etc. I'm finding that I care too much about what people say or as is often the case... don't say.

Pathetic? I know... trust me, I know. At this very moment there is a HUGE arrow over my head, pointing down with the words "lunatic" in bright bold colors. I feel stupid even saying it, writing it. I mean, indulge a lunatic and think about you for a second. Have you ever found yourself being really excited to post a status because you thought it was funny and you would get lots of comments? Have you ever been disappointed that no one commented on a status/picture/link that you thought was "comment" worthy? Have you ever been sad or felt left out of something because a friend posts about being out with another mutual friend? I. Could. Go. ON... but i won't.

In all this insanity, I am aware that most of this is lies from the enemy telling me that I will never measure up, be loved enough, be smart enough or ever be able to keep a lasting relationship with anyone because I'm just too emotional and hyper sensitive. Yep... all that.

But I also know that my God can do anything. I know that at this season in my life He is humbling me and teaching me how to "properly" measure up to who God wants me to be. Teaching me that love is unconditional and no matter what He will always love me. Reaffirming me that there is an intelligent writer within me that has something valuable to say. Reminding me that I need to find my fulfillment and comfort in Him, not the temporary affirmation I feel from a comment or blog posting. Maybe I should start a Hisbook web page where we post prayers... I don't know, something to rekindle the relationship that many of have lost in all these layers of electronic connections.

I mean, think about all I could be doing during that time while I'm checking Facebook. There are so many different things that could occupy my time, spur on growth and cultivate relationships with the people I have Facetime with. I feel like I need to reiterate that I am not encouraging a boycott on Facebook, but at this stage in my life and growth I feel like it is a stumbling block, something that is reinforcing my struggles and diminishing my strengths.

Have you ever gotten lost in the intrigue of relationships that you find on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter or any other social networking forum?

Welcome Back To Blogging

I'm so sorry I haven't written in a while. I have gotten so many personal emails asking how I'm doing especially since I haven't blogged in almost 4 weeks; so I thought it was only right of me to let you know I'm still alive and kicking!

I have been seriously adjusting to becoming a mommy of two and healing from this C-section. I'm completely and madly in love with little Ian, but completely and utterly exhausted. I guess that should be expected!

There is so much I want to write about and I have started writing them; I'm also still working on Ian's birth story. So hopefully you'll be seeing a lot more of me. Until then, I'll just leave you with a few pictures of my new little addition and some really cute "brother" shots!

Pain Tolerance … What’s your Level?

Does anyone really know this answer for sure? Is there some top secret chart that shows that some people are tougher than others or can take more pain than others? Seeing that I’m about to have major surgery in the next few days to remove this little bundle and after a lengthy conversation with my hubby, I find this topic of conversation more and more funny because I really don’t think anyone is ever in a place to judge another’s ability to tolerate pain. I have even found myself judging my own mother’s tolerance for pain at times, thinking she is weaker than she REALLY IS. How do you know that my 7 wouldn’t be a 10 to you or vice-a-versa? No one ever knows, so how can you even judge yourself? Is it all about who can take a shot better than another or who can break a leg and stand on it better?

Since I was little I have always said that I have a “low” tolerance for pain, I’m not sure where I got that from or why I started to say it. But as I’ve grown older and have had my share of bumps, bruises, and LABOR, I’m beginning to think that whatever it was that made me say that was just the enemy telling me that I was a weaker person. I have found that when you inform people that you have a low tolerance for pain… they will think you do for the rest of your life. For me, it’s more of a mind game than anything else. The fear of what could happen… not so much the fear of it hurting.

I can remember back at my very first surgery when I had my breast reduction, as we were getting ready I can remember crying hysterically. No one really asked me why I was crying, they all assumed that it was because I was scared of the IV because they couldn’t get a vein and the whole healing process. If they had just asked what those tears were really about they would have discovered that it wasn’t in fear of any pain what-so-ever. It was the fact that I was losing a piece of me and a nervousness of how it would all turn out. I was more scared about the outcome and the fact that I was getting married only 4 months later and what my future husband would think. For some reason this experience really did something to me that made me really think less of myself; it made me feel weaker than what I really was. I was determined not to have anyone see me so vulnerable again.

Because I had told myself that I was weak and had a low tolerance for pain I was very worried about having people in the labor and delivery room with me when I had Jayden. Even though I wanted the most important people in my life there to witness it, I didn’t want people to judge me or think that I was a baby because of the pain or the fact I was crying through a contraction. Up until the very last moment it was just going to be my mom and Jesse. But then… it all flew out the window. If they thought I was weak… they could think I was weak! I was having a baby and it IS a painful experience, but oh-so worth it in the end.

After having three epidurals (does that make me weak?) because my back labor WAS very painful and still no progression, I had to have a C-section. Ha… I was so worried about people thinking I was weak during the labor, now they have to see me after ANOTHER surgery… fantastic! My own worst nightmare, coming back again! However, I was back on my feet the next day after having major abdominal surgery and four days later took care of a new born baby all by myself while Jesse was at a bachelor party that had been planned months in advance.
I still struggle with what people will think, even if people think I’ll even be able to take this next one. But I’m beginning to realize that no one really knows what anyone feels or what any person’s pain tolerance is. Ultimately, it’s yet another judgment that we place on ourselves and others.

Have you ever found yourself judging another person’s pain tolerance or told someone they have a low threshold for pain? My husband has admitted to me that he has done that on several occasions, which is what brought this whole topic of conversation up in the first place. Next time before you do that, think about how another will judge yours…

Falling

After all I have learned, after all I have walked through; I would like to think I’ve learned my lesson by now. But here I am falling backwards all over again. I’m getting too comfortable in life, that I no longer seek Him daily. Stuck in a place where I listen to more of the enemies lies then I do listening to what my Father in heaven is trying to tell me. I see my relationship with the Most High slowly becoming less of a priority and more like a “when I need ya, I’ll call ya” type a thing. I know; how horrible am I? But trust me; it’s a rut that I’m aware of and fighting so badly to get out of.

My common sense tells me it’s imperative to get out of this rut. I know where I’ve been and I don’t want to go back. It’s just about taking that time daily with God and really putting Him first. I always seem to push things back and tell myself I’ll get to it later… but in all reality what I’m doing is just tell God that I just don’t have time for Him today. I have noticed that each day that I seek Him less, each day seems to get harder. By not seeking Him, I’m allowing my guard to come down and am way more susceptible for the enemy to come in and sweep away my joy; and more and more I become prone to believing the brutal lies he whispers.

I know better than to believe these lies. I’ve even had CLASSES to help understand and speak against these lies. But boy-oh-boy does the enemy know just how to get to me! He knows every word to say and every perfect button to push. Speaking directly to my insecurities on the way I look, the way I feel, the way I mother, how I am as a wife, how I keep my home. Even going as far as what my family and friends think about me.

I know that no one is perfect, and we all have our moments of weakness that we all at one time have believe the lies of the enemy. But at times, I feel like I’m the only one. Going in cycles… feeling like this merry-go-round will never end. Is it as simple as just not listening to the lies… I feel like it’s so more complex than that. Even now as I write this I feel dumb. I feel so inadequate as a daughter of the King and as a person in general.

What a rut… I think I just need to go put some worship music on and soak… Consume me from the inside out Lord!


From The Inside Out by Hillsong

More Hillsong music on iLike

Ugly Insecurities

My entire life I have struggled with insecurities. I think most woman do throughout their life time, but for me it has been a constant battle of mind, body and soul for as long as I can remember. I have never felt beautiful, I always feel fat and I never receive a compliment! There have also been times in my life that I have taken it to the extreme and not eaten for days (no, not as a pregnant woman, I eat fine when I’m pregnant). I have come to a point where I am done with these feelings and always thinking less of who I really am or who God has intended me to be.

Pregnancy sure doesn’t help these insecurities; in fact it makes them a million times worse to deal with. I go through times of severe depression and choose to pick out every “ugly” thing about me instead of focusing on the amazing little blessing growing inside me (terribly selfish, I know). Trust me, I know this doesn’t help and I know somehow I could be putting a spiritual pressure on this beautiful little bundle; which should give me all the more reason to try to understand where these insecurities got their start and cut them off. Even after an amazing 13 week course through Elijah House, focusing a lot of time getting to the “root” of personal strong holds, I still can’t figure out why I’m so terribly insecure.

I need to stop living in such bondage. It has caused too much hurt and is a major stumbling block in my personal, marital and spiritual growth. I am making it a personal and public goal for the next few weeks to really examine my heart and find the “root” or “roots” of why I feel the way I do. Why would anyone want to live like this forever?

I want to understand why I always feel that I am less than every other person around me. I want to understand why I always feel that what I have to say doesn’t really matter.
I want to stop believing that I’m not smart enough to write a book.
I want to stop walking into a room and feeling that I’m the ugliest person in there and comparing myself to everyone around me.
I want to be ok with not being the most perfect mother and wife, because honestly I don’t think a perfect mother or wife exists.
I want to be ok with knowing that I’ll never be that girl who can fit into a size 0 jean, because ladies… I have CURVES.
I want to be ok with knowing my life hasn’t always turned out the way I may have imagined, but to KNOW that God has something better in store because of the things I have walked through.

There is good in everything and I just want to be able to more clearly see it instead of thinking so little of myself. I deserve better, God planned for better for me. Ultimately, I am the one keeping myself from coming to a place of peace and healing so that I can truly walk in freedom. I am who God made me to be, and I’m the only one stopping myself from becoming everything that God intended. I want to finally be free to be me.

Francesca Battistelli - Free To Be Me

What about you? Is there something that is holding you back from being all God wants you to be? I challenge you to also look inside yourself and break free from whatever insecurities that may be holding you back from walking in the freedom and greatness God has planned out of you. I want to see more women free from insecurities! I will be praying for you!

Imagine Me

I’ve been listening to a lot of Kirk Franklin lately. By far he is one of the most inspirational Christian artists I have ever listened to. He has been through the battle; he is honest about his struggle and still he keeps his focus on HIM.

When Hero came out I was obsessed with the album. I couldn’t stop feeling myself in each of the songs in some way. Each song brought out weakness that I was choosing to hide from the world; but funny enough all I wanted to do was dance them and express how weak I really was. I ended up choreographing three dances, but the ones that sticks with me the most is “Imagine Me.”

Before my quiet time with the Lord today I decided to put this CD on and just soak. Boy did I soak. In no time, an hour had passed and the floor beneath me was damp from the tear I had been crying before the Father. This song hit a nerve and I so desperately wanted to see myself the way Jesus saw me.

I started to imagine me. Imagine a strong woman with very little insecurities because I knew who I was and how much the Father loved me. I began to realize that I DID have the power to stop the enemy and all the thoughts that constantly controlled my ways of thinking. I saw myself letting go of all the people who have tried to bring me down or rob me of my joy because of their own selfish motives. I saw myself free from judgment, free from my past, free from bitterness, free from so many issues that God is constantly working on in me. I imagined myself so free…

Kirk Franklin - Imagine Me

How do you imagine you?

Let’s Play Catch Up

There are so many things I want to write about, talk about, vent about. I want to plain-old purge myself of all the crazy randomness of my life. These past few weeks I have had plenty to write about, but unfortunately have had little motivation to write about them.

Life has changed so drastically for me; at times I’m not even sure how to handle it or work with my new surroundings. I’m still learning about who this new stay at home mom is and what I’m really all about. It’s new ground for me and I feel like I still don’t have my footing. I feel like that independent side of me is washing slowly away and I feel slightly depressed about it. Not to mention I have very little stay at home mom friends who are around and often feel somewhat alone in my day to day life.

However, there are good things about this new venture in my life. I get to be home with my little boy, raising him the way I want him to be raised. We have fun and spend lots of quality time with one another each and every day. I get to be the homemaker I never really could be when I was working two jobs. My home is much neater and I’m learning new things about cooking and baking that I always wanted to try. I feel like a better wife as well. I try to put my husband’s needs before my own because I know that he has worked a hard day to provide for our family. I have a completely different outlook and respect for my husband now that he is the sole provider for our family.

As most of you have seen I have been doing much less blogging recently. Though I love to write, there are many reasons for not doing so. First, being at home is a lot harder than I ever gave SAHM’s credit for. I feel like my days go so quickly that I never even have time to get on and write all the things from that day. Another reason is that I’m trying to find my way (like always) and what God really wants me to write about.

I still find myself taken back by so many other blogs and how so many of them are so self focused. Whether people like to admit it or not, it’s our nature to emulate that things are good with us; especially when your business is out there for the world to see. I feel like at times I share too much of the imperfectness of myself and my family that maybe it isn’t entirely appropriate. I sometimes wonder if I can’t find a happy balance between positive and gritty real than maybe blogging just isn’t for me.

I guess I just need to keep finding myself in all of this and who God wants ME to be as a writer. I know that He is faithful to guide my heart on the right the path, as He has always done in the past. At church on Sunday they sang “Mighty to Save” by Laura Story and it really touched my heart. Maybe it will touch someone out there today.

Mighty to Save
Everyone needs compassion
A love that's never failing
Let mercy fall on me
Everyone needs forgiveness
A kindness of a Savior
The hope of nations

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again
I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender
Yes I surrender

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine your light and let the whole world see
We're singing for the glory of the risen King...Jesus (x2)

Savior
He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever
Author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

You were mighty to save

What Next

As one journey close another one begins
Trying desperately to let go of all of my sins
Uneasy of what the future may hold
I’m scared to repeat and watch this unfold

Am I ready to do this, am I ready to be?
I feel like I’m still stuck here trying to see
Moving on seemed to be the hardest part
But something tells me; there’s something more to come from this heart

I may not feel strong enough to carry this load
But as I trust you I will humbly walk this road
Lead me, guide me, and show me the way
To love and to nurture and always obey

You know my heart and have seen the depths of my soul
Now show me what I must do to accomplish this goal
Hand and hand, I know that you’ll walk me through
A gift from heaven, Lord I thank you.

Where-oh-Where Have I been?

I have seriously been MIA from the blog world lately. Though it stinks to be so behind, I believe it has been a good thing for me to take a break from it and get all my priorities in order. I love writing, I have a passion for it and someday I want to do something more with it. I want to touch people’s lives through my words and show them that they aren’t alone through life’s struggles and challenges, along with it’s joys and successes, but I believe that I have taken this dream and focused much of my energy in the wrong direction.

Unfortunately I feel that a lot of the blogging I have done has been done for the wrong reasons. During the past three months I have lost my way and have become selfish and prideful over my blog. I have made some pretty dumb choices along the way and I most certainly have reaped the consequences of some of them. I have slammed head on to a path that has not been focused on the more important priorities in my life and I most certainly feel the repercussion of taking that selfish road and not being obedient to God’s voice.

Through this season, I’m learning that pride is a dangerous path to walk. When I walk down that road I am trusting on my own abilities rather than trusting the in Father’s. I also find that I come to regard other people with contempt and disrespect rather then seeing them as my equal and created in God’s image (2 Philippians 2:3). My pride has exposed a weakness I have. This is not who I want to be; I want to walk down the road of righteousness and know that what I have done has been only to glorify God (Matthew 23:12).

So with all of that said my dear friends and blogger buddies, I felt it was necessary to step away from blogging for just a little while since it was what has been monopolizing so much of my time and focus these past few months. For those that truly read my blog because you are genuinely interested in it and may even feel inspired by it at times, I thank you. You are the ones that make me love writing and inspire me to expand more as a writer. My heart isn’t to share the “all about me” parts of my life, but the moments where even I have to look back and challenge myself on something I have written.

Proverbs 15:33, “The fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom, and before honor is humility.” So I must lay down my pride, start walking in humility and trusting that God will walk with me, yet again, through this season. Continue to undo me Lord…

This Rock

I have found that even a safe and sturdy rock can sometimes crack. It’s a small crack, but as little pieces of it start to slowly crumble from underneath my feet, I can't help but feel panicked as I franticly try to find other life lines I can hold onto. Is this crack my fault? Was it smart for me to stay here in this place so long? Should I have left with the others?

I have put my faith, love, drive and sweat into this rock. I have cared for it, fought for it, defended it and have even been hated for it. I believe in this rock. I believed it would take care of me; it HAS taken care of me and blessed me. I'm doing everything I can to have this rock not hurt me; or am I? I have built my household upon this rock and not only have I come a long way, but so has the rock! It has stood the test of time, even when others said it would fall. It has seen its share of sadness; weathered its own storms; has been built upon and has seen growth because there is favor from God. It's a great rock; but with all things, it is still vulnerable to breaking.

Is this just God's way of saying to move on; or is there something more He is trying to tell me? I know that He is testing me again. But sometimes it's so hard to have faith that He will take care of all things, just as long as I trust Him. Is this me not trusting Him again? I have also found that - The bigger the bolder, the more pain it will cause when it comes crashing down on you. I’m in a state of confusion and I'm not sure where to find a good footing. I know there is a reason I know there’s a way. At this point... I'm just holding on for dear life, hoping it all won’t crash too quickly on me.

When all hope seemed lost, I trusted God... why do I not trust Him now? Is it because I'm comfortable? I never liked being "comfortable" when it came to my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I don’t think you should ever be “comfortable”... it's make you more vulnerable to the enemy. Is this what you are trying to teach me? Lord, where do I go from here? Can this crack be repaired or is it time for me to really move from this spot?

I trust you... help me find the way!

A Few Thoughts, Before I’m Off

Happy Friday everyone! Let me tell you, I have been looking forward to this day all week! Don’t you just hate when you have those weeks that feel like they are just never going to end!? That was my week!!

Starting tomorrow, my family (I mean entire family, not just the Hubby and the little man) will be heading out to the OBX for our family vacation. I’m so excited!!! We haven’t had a family Va-Ca in 2 years and at the time my brothers weren’t even married… so this is really cool! I’m planning on it being a really great week with so many surprises!! In the meantime, I have decided that I am going to take a break from blogging while on vacation. I may hop on and off, here and there; but I really just want to spend this time with my family. But… before I go I’ll leave you with a few thoughts and excitements for what’s to come!

Vacation – Oh my word… I’m so excited!! Not for the long ride down or back, but being there with my family all week, I can’t wait! And it’s Jayden’s first real vacation!!

My Birthday – Tomorrow I turn 27. Oh my word, that means I’m three years away from being 30! I’m not a girl who likes birthdays; in fact, I dread them! I’m not sure why I don’t like them, maybe its fear people won’t remember or fear that I’m going to be disappointed. (My mom says I get that from her) I’m hoping this year I can take a brighter and more positive outlook on turning 27.

By no means have I ever been forgotten. My BFF gave me my birthday present before she left for Africa; she is taking me to the “So You Think You Can Dance” tour when they come to Philly in September! What a great gift!

And my wonderful sis-in-love, Katie never ever forgets my birthday! For the past 4 years she has written me a poem to remind me how much she loves me. Greatest sis-in-law ever!!! Last year she started posting it on her blog… she did it this year too a day early since we will be traveling all day tomorrow. So beautiful, it made me cry… go check it out! Thanks love!!!

My New IPhone – Can’t a girl be excited about her phone?!? I have wanted this phone since my husband got his last year! I have 4 days until my contract is up and then I’m buying it. I have already put money aside and it’s being purchased on the day I can do it!!! For the past few weeks I have been dreaming about just holding it. Crazy… I know! ;)

A Family Surprise – My family has something up their sleeve for vacation. You are just going to have to wait to find out! Oh… and it’s good!! ;)

My BFF Coming Home From Africa – After we get back from vacation, my best friend gets back from her month long trip in Africa! I will be so excited to see her. I’m glad she didn’t end up staying there for three months this time!

Dylan Update – The amazing people who adopted my sister’s baby, have been super terrific about giving us pictures and updates! He is SO freaking cute and he looks so much like my little sister! We are so blessed to have picked a family that is willing to share this information with us. My mom, sister and I sent them flower after the 30 days were up, congratulating them on this adoption and their new baby boy. They are a blessing and we have been blessed! Total win-win (Or you can say GOD) situation!

Reading with the Hubby – My husband has asked me to start reading books with him instead of watching TV at night. (I love that he thought of this, major hubby point’s earned here) I think this is a great idea, but we have no idea what to read. He suggested Lord of the Rings, but I’m not sure I want to read that. Does anyone have any suggestions? Something that we might be able to enjoy together?!

Giveaway – I have been really disappointed in how my first giveaway went. For some reason, I took it personally. But I know I can’t and think I have finally given that to God. I really thought it would have gone better, but I know that a lot of people already gave a bunch to Angie directly from her Giveaway.

Either way, it doesn’t matter. They are almost to their goal and that is the big picture! I did my best to help a friend and all who did give to them, thank you! What a blessing!

As of now, we only have one person entered and 6 great prizes still to giveaway!! If you are still interested, go over there and donate ANYTHING – ($.50 cents for all I care) just tell me you did and what you would like to win!! Guys… $.50 cents for prizes worth over $20, what a deal?! GO OVER AND DONATE, you only have until the 23rd!

That’s a lot to look forward to, don’t you think?! I hope you all have an amazing weekend and an even better week!

Where's My Focus?

I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Was it my pride; was it a sense of achievement? My hopes of helping other people, by sharing the heartache I had walked through has only seemed to cause more heartache at times. My mind plays tricks on me and I start to feel inadequate. Is this who I really am? Is this who I really want to be? I thought I had done a good thing, I thought I had been honest; why are these feeling still controlling me?

My Aunt gave me this verse - Revelation 12:11, it says that one of the ways we overcome the enemy is by the word of our testimony. She is right, but the enemy can also attack you in other ways and sometimes come against you even stronger when you do share that testimony. Or is it more… is it more complex than even this?

To be honest, I’m disappointed and I’m incredibly frustrated with myself. My focus has changed, I have gotten carried away and in the process I’ve lost sight of why I started writing in the first place. It’s not about me; it’s not about who my friends are or who might even wants to hear my story. It’s about my God and how faithful He has been to have brought me and my family this far.

When I started writing this blog, my intentions were different. My heart was to share with others what God was teaching me; not only as a wife and mother but a Godly woman. This was a place where I could come and freely, write what the Lord was telling me; a safe place where He would talk to me and show me new insight into who He wanted me to be.

I was more real then, I wrote about real life in all its forms; just a girl trying to be honest and skip all the superficial appearances of a perfect life. I wanted to be different; I wanted to show that life wasn’t just a cookie cutter dream world. I felt alone, I felt like everyone else had their life put together but me. I know that no one really knows what’s going on behind closed doors, but sometimes blogs can be deceiving.

Maybe this is the root of all this attack. My focus has changed. I want to be that girl again who writes from the heart and seeks God for each and every word typed. I’m still here, that oh-so imperfect wife and mother that cried out to God daily to bring new life and restoration to her family. Faithfully, you did!

I know I have been missing something. My focus has been less about Jesus and more about me. I don’t want my blog to be about how cool my layout looks or how many followers I have. I want it to be about real life and how God is making it better. Making motherhood, marriage and life as a whole better, because that is what He has done and is doing.

What has your blog been about lately?

Reminder: Don’t forget about the GIVEAWAY!
Psalm 34:4 "I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears."

Have You Seen Me?!

When I’m on the road, people know! As people pass me, they tend to look into my window with a confused looked on their face wondering who that woman is. Some people honk; some people wave; then there’s other people who will text me out of nowhere; there's also a hand full of people who just facebook me, letting me know they passed me or I passed them.

Why such popularity on the road, you ask? I know what most of you are thinking… and no, it’s not because I’m a terrible driver, although my husband would probably tell you otherwise. It’s because of my crazy awesome license plate that lets you know that I'm driving! I mean… lets face it… have you ever heard the name Lyryn? I’m quite certain that there aren’t many Lyryns in this world and I’m pretty sure there aren’t any in Pennsylvania! (Feel free to challenge me on that)

In the past week I have been told by three different people (all from high school) that they either passed me or I passed them while driving. It’s funny… because they start by telling me that they weren’t sure that it was me, but saw the license plate and again, what other Lyryn do you know? You can’t see, but I’m rolling my eyes, people!

Side Note Comment: Have you ever heard the name Lyryn before?! My whole life I was challenged by other people that they knew Lyryns; but could never get me in contact with them. I never liked my name… but I always took pride in the fact that I was pretty much the only one. In all my research, I pretty much have come to the conclusion that name is quite unique.

I dare you… go ahead, Google my name. The only person you will find other than an anime character and a girl on facebook (whose birth name WAS NOT LYRYN) is ME! :) I mean, with a name like Lyryn (I bet you can’t even pronounce it and if you're now wondering it's Lear-in) I deserve to have some type of bragging rights, don’t I?! Look I don’t doubt that there aren’t any out there, but if you do know another Lyryn I would love to know how they got their name!

Anyway, I know that most of you who read this blog aren’t even in PA and will probably never see me on the road. However, if you are driving down 95 on August 15th anywhere between PA and North Carolina and see a red jeep with a license plate that says LYRYN feel free to honk, wave or if you feel so led you can give me one of those funny little stares because you will have passed the only “Lyryn”, the only one I know of at least! ;)

Moving On

I was told it was through, I was told it was done
Not a second to think of what had become
Walking through fire, unaware of the flame
Was it so easy to forget - then turn all the blame?

You stole a piece of all I hold dear
It’s hard to believe, there’s not much left to fear
But questions unanswered, frustrations, unease
The enemy stalks us like an infectious disease

We convince ourselves we are just letting this go
But feelings left buried, keep stewing below
While safe in the arms of the ones we hold dear
Are we still quick to be honest and clear?

Feelings and urges sit at the bottom of my soul
Excitement, selfishness, also lack of self-control
We’ve been down this long road – won’t you kindly give up?
I’m not ready to lie down and watch this family break up

I was told it was done, I was told it was through
Then why are you so curious, if all that is true?
Please bring it before God, and see it’s not right
It’s like the Garden of Eden when Eve took that bite

Please stay away – let it go, let it be
Please let Him heal us, so we can all see
God’s mercy and goodness, abundantly shown
Giving God all the glory in how much we’ve all grown

One Year of Healing

The past few days have been tough for me. I have so many memories of things I would rather forget, and uncertainties I would much rather trust to God. Though this year has brought great strides in my marriage; the enemy still knows just how to get to me and play on each fear that holds me captive. Lies of the past still creep their way back into my mind, but thankfully each day they come less than the day before.

It’s no secret that my husband and I have been through some hard times in our marriage and that the enemy has brought a great battle to destroy this amazing covenant we have. This journey that God has allowed us to walk through has been far from easy, and there is still so much more to uncover. But through God and His abundant grace and mercy He is teaching us to forgive and fall in love all over again. For me, I have found myself falling more madly and deeply in love with a man (who I thought I already knew) even more intimately than I ever did before.

Some people may know our story; but most only know the hearsay of what happened. With permission from my husband, I can tell you just a little piece of our story. I don’t tell you this to show how terrible my life has been or how unfair is the hand that I’ve been dealt, I tell you this to share with you how amazing GOD is and how faithful He is to every promise He has put on our life.

I also want you to see that no matter how tough your life can get, or how uncertain your marriage can be, your marriage is worth fighting for! Though our culture today doesn’t make marriage look too promising and that it might be easier to just throw in the towel or upgrade to something else, you must understand that God HATES divorce and there is something special about what your marriage holds and what your marriage symbolizes. Through our story, I hope that you see that we don’t want our culture to define our marriage. We want you to see that our God is in control of it.

Today is a day that holds little significance to many, but has enormous life-changing significance to me. It was a defining moment in 2008 that made all that I ever believed in, or ever knew, come crashing down in a matter of moments. A day that brought so much clarity on why the past several months had been so brutal for me; and a day that I’m SURE the enemy thought he would finally have his way in my marriage and in our family… dividing it forever.

I knew something was wrong when I went to bed the night before. I had been living with lies and deceit for some time and the only comfort I found was being on my face before Jesus. That night wasn’t any different! I knew something was wrong with my marriage. I knew what it was in my heart, but I was too scared to confront the issue in fear that I would be left broken-hearted and alone.

That night there was an even heavier uneasiness – one that only the Holy Spirit could comfort. Over the past several months I had grown to be more sensitive to the Lord and learned to be more dependent on Him as my husband. I knew that night He was preparing me, preparing my body and preparing me emotionally for what was to be brought to light the next day.

When my husband came home from lunch that day he was very distraught and my heart broke for him and I knew something was terribly wrong. Three little words were all it took to finally have clarity, “You were right.” It didn’t even take me a second to understand what he meant. I knew that my husband was having an affair.

The facade of my perfect little world was no longer so perfect anymore. My heart broke into a million shattered dreams. Before this day, God had been teaching me more about who I was in Him and that all I needed was to hold on to Jesus and He would carry me through. But on that day I was too weak to even lift my hands up to grab hold. I went through a time where I felt crazy and numb to life. This is what Abba-Father was preparing me for? What did I do to deserve this?!?

My shock quickly turned into depression, and then my depression (nearly overnight) turned into anger and bitterness. I must say that I did not act very Christ-like during my “anger” stage. In all honesty, I probably gave the enemy even more room to come in and destroy our marriage. Yet, by the grace of God and talking it out with some of our amazing friends, family and support system, my anger has slowly subsided.

The rest… I guess you can say is history. This is Jesse’s and my heart written out before you so there is no more speculation of what has been “going on” in our marriage. This process has been a long one, and there are still days that affect me more that I’d like them to. With the help of God, I’m slowly allowing my husband to win back my heart and I’m learning to forgive not only my husband for the choices he’s made, but myself for what I have allowed to happen within our marriage.

Though I don’t take blame for the choices Jesse made, God gently reminds me that I’m still far from perfect and I must look at myself and see what I contributed to put our marriage in jeopardy. Everything may seem ok on the outside but people really don’t have any clue what is truly going on. My husband and I have grown so much as people and in our walk with the Lord through this journey. I hope that one day we will be able to help others through this experience and give our testimony to show how great our God is and how quick He is to renew a covenant in utter despair.

Life is filled with so many unexpected twists and turns, it’s important to remember that God doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle. Even when you feel like you can’t handle it, God is still faithful because He places people in your life to help walk you through it. We were blessed to have those people already in our life. To those of you who were there for us, you know who you are and we thank you for all your love and support.

Marriage isn’t easy. It takes hard work and a whole lot of prayer. The enemy is always looking to destroy marriages and he will do what he can to tear a family apart. Your marriage and family are constantly under attack. Don’t let Satan play a dangerous game with your life. Start praying for your family and your marriage daily! Know that there are others out there praying for you too! Don’t let our society define your marriage and allow it to become just another statistic. God is bigger than that, so let the world see that!

Sometimes… I Just Don't Understand

I find myself annoyed and somewhat baffled at how some people can call you friend, yet show very little interest in you. Maybe it’s my own fault for thinking too highly of people or thinking of them as closer to me than they really imagine our friendship to be. I just assume that if we have been through a lot and spent a lot of time together, than our friendship really meant something. I guess I’m naive. I guess life REALLY doesn’t work like that.

It just sucks to know that you have tried to reach out, offer things, made yourself available but you just aren’t important enough for them to do the same back to you. It stings… it hurts… its utter rejection; it just makes me want to cry and everything inside me just wishes I didn’t care. Maybe this is God’s way of teaching me to be more open with other people, to show a side of myself that others might see in me and that I need to change. I can see how I might come off that way at times, but I don’t want to be like that anymore because I know how much it hurts.

Ha… I find myself ridiculous and quite childish right now… maybe even a little ashamed. I can see how this is then enemy hitting me right where it hurts. He is playing on my low self esteem and every ounce of my human insecurities and recent pains.

I know I’m bigger than this… but sometimes I think it’s ok to just say it SUCKS when people don’t really care as much as you thought they did! A rough part of reality just sunk in.

Process This

Do you ever have those moments when you know what you want to say, but your brain can’t process it fast enough to find the words at that instant so that you can articulate how you truly feel? Do you have moments when all you have is a bunch of emotions and crazy confusion brewing inside your head, and you literally feel like too much is happening at once and that you might just go insane?

Ok… so ‘going insane’ might be a little over-exaggerated, but at times I really do feel like there may be something terribly wrong with me. I feel slow, stupid, and incredibly inadequate. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that some people can quickly come back with smart answers when I’m still stuck debating the issue in my head. Obviously, I was never asked to be on a debate team in high school or college! :)

It gets even worse when I am in highly emotional situation. A lot of the time I feel like I’m being attacked by the other party/parties because my brain has not yet comprehended the conversation going on in front of me. At times I even feel lost and confused about how the conversation even got to that point of emotional interference. I normally never have anything good to come back with, which in turn puts me automatically on the defensive. My brain is still thinking “What the heck just happened?” But if you give me 30 minutes to an hour to put my thoughts together, I can normally come back with a logical point of view and sometimes a freaking awesome rebuttal! NORMALLY… but I’m not perfect.

As you can see, trying to understand my brain and how it works has been something I have struggled with my entire life. In 1st grade I was given a number of tests and an I.E.P that labeled me with dyslexia. It has always been a constant battle and I have always done my best to compensate for my less-than-average learning ability. In no way am I calling myself stupid, because I know that I’m not stupid. I actually believe that I’m quite smart.

Crazy Side Note Banter - Yes, I was one of those kids labeled “Special Ed.” Goodness, I hate that word! Don’t get me wrong, I know that schools have come a long way since I was there, but when I was in school the label “Special Ed” … well … to simply put it … it was social suicide! Why couldn’t they call us something different, something more uplifting like the “Gifted” kids had… maybe something cool like “Style Ed” since it is all about your learning style anyway, right? All in all, Special Ed helped me, but I had to work VERY hard.

But my brain is my brain and unfortunately there are things I will always have trouble with, things which at times still frustrate me to no end. Spelling, grammar, comprehension of things, and most importantly, how slowly my brain processes things compared to other people.

I know we are all unique and our brains all function very differently, but I’m slowly and sadly realizing that if people don’t struggle with an intangible thing such as a learning disability themselves, they almost never understand how hard it is and how frustrating it is for that person living with the problem. Your brain works faster than mine… but it’s not as easy as flipping a switch and telling my brain “Move a little faster, you’re falling behind!”

I’m finding that when people don’t understand, they tend to be cold and ignorant to what others go through. They believe that the problem is just something you made up in your head, something they’re not even going to attempt to empathize with at all. Unfortunately, that mind-frame soon breeds judgment. The person decides that “it’s just who you are.” They decide that a person will never change (like they can help what is going on inside them?). Judgment stems from false assumptions, and perceptions soon become fogged. I too am guilty of the very same ignorance that people sometimes bestow on me.

For instance, my mom has a disease called Fibromyalgia. My family likes to tease her (kiddingly of course) about this neurological disorder we really know nothing about. But because I don’t know what it feels like to be in pain ALL the time, it’s hard not to think sometimes… “Is this neurological complication really real?” I sit here writing this totally convicted and ashamed that I am not more compassionate, as I’m asking others to be more compassionate regarding how some people’s brains work.

How wrong am I to question that, when I too have a problem that no one can see! My mother has never once thought my dyslexia was made up, or just a ‘lazy side’ of Lyryn. Why would I ever think my mother could even make up such a thing as this disease that she lives with on a daily basis? Pure ignorance, that’s how! I don’t know what it’s like to live with that, but I do know what it’s like to live with something others can’t understand.

Because we are human and so perfectly imperfect, I think every one of us is guilty of being blind to another person’s personal struggle - especially those struggles which are unseen. I expect others to see where I’m coming from, yet pay little attention to the others around me. Being uncompassionate toward a fellow brother or sister’s weakness is just foolishness, and in no way are we walking our lives like Jesus would. I challenge not only myself but also you, this week, to search inside for something you feel like others can’t really understand about you. When you come across someone you can’t empathize with, put yourself in their shoes. Let’s start seeing their struggle from Jesus’ eyes and not our own.

Blessings!

Hungry

I have been in a funk lately; a rut I just can't seem to climb out of. There are a lot of emotions, frustrations, brokenness, self-pity and unpredictable anger. I'm confused about a lot of thing and can't find the words to articulate how I truly feel; I told my mom that I wanted to be institutionalized because I feel quite crazy. I question myself all the time and doubt my strength as a person. I'm struggling with my self confidence and find myself competing with my own brain! I'm not me... it makes me sad and I need to find her again.

Most people would assume that I'm still struggling with last years crushing blow. Yes, I still have hurts and still have memories, but I feel myself slowly but surely healing and getting past it. Unfortunately, I think this is something I will always have with me and be reminded of. Each year will get easier as times goes on and I think I have finally come to grips with that. I think that my God is capable of anything and has the power to erase my memory of all that has happened, but I don't think he will. I have learned too much from what God has allowed me to walk through, why would he take it away? That person I became because of that walk is the same person I am struggling to find right now.

Last night as I was trying to figure out who and where this person went; I began to realize that she never left. She has just been letting the voice of the Father go unheard and when she was at her strongest, He was the one pouring identity into her. No church, no Word, very little worship, almost no fellowship; how can a girl get filled when there is nothing around from which to be filled?! I long for a church family again and yearn for fellowship with other believers.

I am a broken, hungry child asking her Daddy to hold her again.

hungry I come to You for I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know Your love does not run dry
and I wait, and I wait
so I wait for You, so I wait for You

chorus
I'm falling on my knees
offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

broken I run to You for Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know Your touch restores my life
so I'll wait for You, so I'll wait for You

I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for
Oh, I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart is living for

and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait for you
and I wait

hungry I come to you,for I know You satisfy.

~Hungry - Sung by Joy Williams