Do Everything

Though my life is very full and I’m incredibly blessed and grateful for the family I have and the things God has given me, I sometimes struggle with an overwhelming feeling that I’m not doing everything I should be doing. There are many days that go by when I wonder “What am I doing? What’s my purpose? Does any of this matter?”

I STRONGLY believe in Jeremiah 29:11 and I know God has something up his sleeve for me, but what is it and am I doing it now?! Because if I am… I feel like I’m failing at it miserably. There are many days I have to discipline Jayden multiple times a day, which almost always leave him in tears. Am I the only person who makes my child cry daily?! Mommy Failure!

There are days I don’t give my husband the attention I know he needs because I just don’t have it in me to try. Wife failure! A girl can only take failure so much and then she starts to wonder if any of this matters anymore. I know… I’m being a little hard on myself. I tend to do that a lot and see the bad before I see any of the good (bad character trait) but it is something the Lord has been working on in me.

A few weeks back I was really wrestling with the thought of “Does any of this matter?” I wanted something more than just my day-to-day kind of life, even threw around the idea that maybe a job would be better for me. As I went before the Lord and pleaded my case He reminded me of a time back when I was working and felt incredibly undervalued. He reminded me of something my best friend (who worked with me at the time) said. She told me that no matter what we do we should always do it as we were doing it for the Lord. Whether it be missions, dance, singing, or working at our jobs, we are to always bring glory to Him. (1 Corinthians 10:31)

The very next day I heard Steve Curtis Chapman’s “Do Everything” song on the radio. I had heard it a hundred times before but this time I felt like it was speaking to me. Not only did I realize that I wasn’t the only person in the world to feel this way (uh duh), I also felt such a conviction about the attitude I had been throwing around lately.

There are a lot of people in the world who “wonder” if what they are doing even matters. It is what those people do with that feeling that really matters. Everything we DO should be to glorify God. THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS and that’s all that should matter. Somehow I forgot that conversation I had years back with my BFF. I'm thankful the Lord reminded me. There will be days I will fail, but I’m going to try a heck of a lot harder to be happy with what God has called me to do, and bring glory to Him as I do it.

“Do everything you do to the Glory of the One who made you. To do every little thing that you do to bring a smile to His face, and tell the story of grace with every move that you make. In every little thing you do.” - Steve Curtis Chapman

Work in Progress

I don't think any girl is ever really happy with all of who she is.  If we have straight hair, we want curly.  If we have brown hair we want to be blonde, so on and so forth.  I feel like we can be our own worst critics and can do a lot of harm to ourselves at times.  For me I have been pretty brutal to myself from a very young age.  I don't know where it stems from... I don't know what makes me so insecure, but for some reason I'm not very nice to myself.

I was never told that I was the prettiest or ever considered the most photogenic.  I was never the one the boys picked first to hold hands with.  For the longest time I was just "one of the boys."  I always had trouble making friends.  I was never the girl who could get people rolling on the floor laughing (maybe that's why I married a man that did).   I have never considered myself smart.  In fact, I felt I was so unintelligent that before anyone else could call me stupid, I would normally call myself stupid first.  I guess in my mind it would hurt less coming from my mouth than others.  All in all, I have always been just an ordinary plain Jane.

I have been an introvert all my life and confrontation is NOT my thing.  I would rather "take flight" than "fight."  Which is so contradictory from how I handled my husband's affair, so I know I am capable of "fighting."  I so wish that I could change my introverted personalty into someone who was more outspoken and less verbally challenged.  I could write you an amazing thesis two hours later on how a confrontation affected me, but to come right out and say what hurt me... um... hell no.  Not my strong suit. 

I know that none of the things written above are very nice or very uplifting in any way and this is certainly something that I have been working very hard to change about myself.  I don't like hating things about me.  God made me who I am for a reason and there IS something special about that!  I can understand that!  And thank Him for it.  God has been really refining me and showing me that I am capable and there is more to me than meets the eye.  However, even with growth, there are still little things about ME that drive me crazy. 

I believe that God made me to have my introverted personality for a reason.  I believe that my emotional and sensitive side is something to be proud of and not be ashamed of.   Two years ago, I wouldn't have told you that.  I would have cried and told you how screwed up and overly emotional I was.  I would have told you that it was a flaw and how sorry I am for being me.  Not so much anymore. 

I am still a work in progress and God is still teaching me to be confident in who I am.  I will fail others and I will never have this down to a perfect science, but I am learning to accept myself for who I am.  I like who I feel I am becoming, and I love what God is doing in my life and in my heart. 

Is there something in your life that you don't like, but know it's a gift that needs to be nurtured? 

Reliving a Mountain

Have you ever reached a mountain in your life that you thought you could never overcome? I think we have all been there. Of course the size of the "mountain" is different for each person, but we all experience them, right? What about reliving that mountain? That’s no fun… no fun at all.

Last month’s series was such an eye opening experience for Jesse and me. I emotionally relived a lot of what happened three years ago and at times it took me right back to that once insecure girl standing before this huge mountain I thought I would never be able to get over. I sure did second guess myself a lot last month, questioning if the whole series was a good idea or not.

There were days I felt encouraged and supported, days when I felt I was doing good in the world and that my story was something special to be told. There were days of excitement when I would get an email from a couple telling me that they now see hope for their own marriage. There were many days I felt fulfilled, like this is what I wanted to do with my life and could see a ministry taking form. I felt like I was doing what God called me to do!

But even though I believed we were being obedient to what God had called us to write about, things weren’t going to be that easy either. Being the emotional chickie that I am… the month took quite an emotional toll on me. There were days where I felt like a failure and that no one really gave two hoots about what I was writing. There were days I treated my husband like he was still the man he had been three years ago. There were days that I just stayed at home and cried. There were days I was staring that mountain down, wondering what the heck I was thinking by even opening myself up like this!

I told people when we started this series that if only one couple got something out of “Our Love Redeeming” series it would be worth every bit of what we went through. To know that another couple is fighting to keep their marriage alive because they saw what God did in our marriage… that makes it all worth it! Since the series began we have had tons of emails saying just that. So when I count the cost it was worth facing this mountain head on, once again.

Though this process was an emotional roller coaster for me, I can say that God did have His hand on us through this whole month. He continued to show Himself even greater through our life and our marriage. There were a number of posts that were super hard for me to relive, some emotions and memories, but more often than not it was more healing to my soul then it was harmful. There were things I had chosen to just bury instead of facing them and find healing. This series forced me to face that mountain head on and come to a place of healing that I so desperately needed. And for that I am thankful!!!

We both also wanted to make sure that everyone had their questions answered this past month. Did we miss anyone’s question? Let us know, because we are still open to talking about this. Again, we both want to thank everyone who supported us last month; your support was a huge blessing.

This journey is still being written, but the mountain is finally behind us.

Answer to Prayer

God is so amazing! He always knows what you need and when you need it. He is constantly surprising us. Jesse and I have been praying for a while now for God to give us direction for our family. Our hearts are longing for more consistency in our home. Having Daddy in the home is such an important thing to us so we all want more Daddy/husband/family time. Another desire of ours is to help other marriages going through tough times and be a source of encouragement and hope. But with Jesse’s crazy retail hours and inconsistent schedule it has made it hard to do a lot of things other family’s might take for granted. 

Retail is a tough thing to be in. It was easy when we didn’t have kids. But now that we have a family, it’s been a little more difficult. Jesse either has a completely insane morning shift that starts at 5am or he’ll have draining night shift that keeps him at work till 10 or 11 at night. Jesse has also worked these past two Easter's and two years ago he had to work on Christmas for a little while… There’s no such thing as holidays in corporate America. 

I’m normally a single mom come the weekend and super lonely. His two days off normally come mid-week; maybe on a Tuesday or Thursday. Most of our friends have husbands that have weekends off so it’s hard to get together with them when Jesse has to be up at 4am the next morning. And don’t get me started on Sunday’s! Sunday’s have been an issue lately too. They have been scheduling him on the only day he requests off so we can all go to church as a family. So, you can understand the reasoning behind praying for a new direction for our family.

Yesterday, that answer of prayer came just when we needed to hear it most. We know it was a God thing because it was out so of the blue and so unexpected. To be honest it happened so fast that I still can’t believe it happened! My husband was offered an amazing new job with a computer company. The owner is a Christian and has had Jesse in his heart for this particular job for a while now. And get this… he will also be working with his BEST FRIEND! 

How cool is that?! 

This means we will now have him home EVERY weekend and every holiday. He will finally stop worrying about how late he gets to bed, because he won’t have to wake up at 4am any longer. He will be home for dinner. We will be able to be part of more ministries at church (this is a big excitement for us), because we won’t have to worry about him being scheduled to work. We’ll be able to have people over on Saturdays for a BBQ because he won’t have to schedule off. We are adding a substantial amount (to us) to our bank account each month and we have better insurance than we did a year ago. God has blessed us abundantly! He did more, so much more than what we ever asked for!

This will also give us more opportunity to do the ministry we feel called to do! We want to help save marriages!! That has been our hearts passion for the past year. We want to help heal the brokenness of marriages. We want to speak into people’s lives with our testimony. Help marriage that have gone through affairs and see them restored! We know what God did with us; we want to show other’s that God can do it for them too!! In the past few months we have been asked to step up and help with our marriage ministry team at church and talk with couples that have been through affairs, but it has been hard with Jesse’s schedule. With this new job change there will be more opportunity for us to do this more!

There are big things happening and this just confirms that we are right where we need to be!! Everything is lining up so perfectly! God has a plan. He always has a plan and sometimes it’s even better than you could have ever imagined. He has changed me; changed my heart; changed my husband’s heart! I still have so much more growing, but I’m so excited about where He is taking us. Just know that God can do all things!! 

Has your family been praying for big things lately? Have you been praying for a new job, new ministry, anything? Let me know, because I really want to be praying with you for BIG things to happen within your family!!! And this is not me just asking if you need prayer and then forgetting about it, I really want to pray for you and your families. 

Hope you all have a great rest of the week, I know our family is celebrating!!

Love Me

Being a mom can be hard. I think that most of the time we as moms tend to be more critical of ourselves than other. I know that I’m always wondering what I could be doing better, if I’m giving my kids the attention they need or sometimes thinking how I could be more fun and creative with them. I’m always the first to doubt myself… I don’t really see myself as a role model. I’m still very young and trying to find my way through all the craziness known as parenting. Occasionally there are moments that can leave you in utter disbelief because you realize, in one moment, that your children have heard what you have been saying and it’s not just going through one ear and out the other.

For me, that moment came when Jayden started talking about Jesus. I was so excited, so proud that what I had been saying was rubbing off on him. He started by pointing to his belly and saying “Mommy, Jesus lives here.” I gently redirected his finger towards his heart and said, “Yes, sweetie He lives inside you and in your heart.” It made my heart melt one day when he started telling people in Target. I couldn’t believe it… My little evangelist wanting to tell the world about Jesus! 

A few days later he told my husband, “Daddy, I want to grow up big like Jesus. And He carries.” My heart was just about a pile of mush by now. This past week many of our little conversations have been about Jesus. He no longer asks for mommy to kiss his boo-boo’s; instead he asks mommy to pray for them. And sometimes (not all the time) he will be the one that reminds me to pray with him. 

This past week I have been beaming with pride and joy. The more and more he talked about Jesus, the prouder and prouder I became; at times maybe even a little too proud. Like a puffed up peacock, I would sometimes ask Jayden the questions in front of family and friends, “Where does Jesus live?” And he would always have the same answer, “Jesus lives in my heart.” Because, my gosh… MY SON KNEW ABOUT JESUS! I thought to myself, little by little, I’m raising my child to know Jesus or at least try to understand that you CAN have a personal relationship with Jesus even though you can’t physically see Him. 

I must be a good mother now, right? 

Yesterday after I put my boys to bed, I started to think about all the questions Jayden had been asking me and how he has been looking for Jesse and me to show him the way. Suddenly I was brought to tears, so I started to pray. As I sat there in silence I could feel the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart. 

“I want you to want me like your child wants me.” 

I started to sob. 

“I want you to walk with Me, like Jayden hangs on to every word you say. I want you to cling to Me, like Jayden clings to you when he’s scared. I want you to trust Me, like Ian trusts you to feed him when he is hungry. I want you to spend time with Me, like you do when you are reading a bedtime story to your son. I want you to love Me like a child.” 

Why hadn’t I ever thought of that before? I have heard the phrase child like love… but never placed it in that context. There are so many ways to love your heavenly Father and yet, it had never been as clear as it was last night. I saw things in a different perspective, a childlike perspective. My three year old son had taught me something without even knowing it! All this talk about Jesus and yet his own mommy wasn’t giving that same Jesus enough of her time. Needless to say that proud mommy moment ended up becoming a humbling and convicting experience. 

These past few months there has been one verse constantly on my heart and I have been trying to set it firm within my spirit. Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” I need to lead by example. Words are just words. I can sing Jesus loves me until I’m blue in the face, but if I’m not living it then I’m not teaching my child anything of lasting value. I want nothing more than to raise my son's to be wonderful Godly men.  I'm just glad God chose this moment to reveal something so profound in such a simple way.   

Facebook Addiction

Hi.
My name is Lyryn.
And I'm and addict.
My drug of choice...
Facebook.

Yesterday I was on (yes you guessed it...) Facebook and an old friend from high school posted this link to an article from Relevant Magazine that brought conviction over me like God Himself was whacking me in the head. This article entitled Is Facebook Killing Our Soul?, written by Shane Hipps; confirmed even more in my spirit what God has been telling all along and to kick this terrible habit called Facebook.

I must say that THIS is not my proudest moment. Who in the world ever admits to being addicted to a social networking site? Not anyone I know... But unfortunately this is a problem I
can't seem to run away from. It's controlling. I allow it to be controlling. Much like pornography can be for many men. It sucks you in, chews you up and then spits out a word vomit of lies. Then you do everything you can to step away from it, but because of it's intrigue you willingly go back. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Facebook is pornography in anyway. (I can hear the Facebook Lover lynch mob coming for me now) I'm just saying that Facebook (for ME) is like that addiction/cycle that just keeps me from getting to a place I need to be emotionally and spiritually.

I recently have been very aware about how Facebook has been effecting me. And for someone who already has self esteem and acceptance issues... Facebook only makes me that much more self conscious, emotional and flat out bi-polar. What's worse... is that those same emotions reflects right back into my status updates.

Lookout, crazy girl on the loose!

I find myself checking my phone frequently to see who posted a new status. Who's on, What my friends are up too, did anyone comment on my status, etc. I'm finding that I care too much about what people say or as is often the case... don't say.

Pathetic? I know... trust me, I know. At this very moment there is a HUGE arrow over my head, pointing down with the words "lunatic" in bright bold colors. I feel stupid even saying it, writing it. I mean, indulge a lunatic and think about you for a second. Have you ever found yourself being really excited to post a status because you thought it was funny and you would get lots of comments? Have you ever been disappointed that no one commented on a status/picture/link that you thought was "comment" worthy? Have you ever been sad or felt left out of something because a friend posts about being out with another mutual friend? I. Could. Go. ON... but i won't.

In all this insanity, I am aware that most of this is lies from the enemy telling me that I will never measure up, be loved enough, be smart enough or ever be able to keep a lasting relationship with anyone because I'm just too emotional and hyper sensitive. Yep... all that.

But I also know that my God can do anything. I know that at this season in my life He is humbling me and teaching me how to "properly" measure up to who God wants me to be. Teaching me that love is unconditional and no matter what He will always love me. Reaffirming me that there is an intelligent writer within me that has something valuable to say. Reminding me that I need to find my fulfillment and comfort in Him, not the temporary affirmation I feel from a comment or blog posting. Maybe I should start a Hisbook web page where we post prayers... I don't know, something to rekindle the relationship that many of have lost in all these layers of electronic connections.

I mean, think about all I could be doing during that time while I'm checking Facebook. There are so many different things that could occupy my time, spur on growth and cultivate relationships with the people I have Facetime with. I feel like I need to reiterate that I am not encouraging a boycott on Facebook, but at this stage in my life and growth I feel like it is a stumbling block, something that is reinforcing my struggles and diminishing my strengths.

Have you ever gotten lost in the intrigue of relationships that you find on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter or any other social networking forum?

God is God

This song has been playing over and over in my head today!
I have broken down on more than one occasion listening to it.
God is God!!

Adjusting to Two as Reality Hits Hard

This year has gone so fast for me, I never imagined I would be where I am today. Last year around this time I was turning 27 and packing up a car to go on our family vacation. This year, I'm two years away from being 30 and so DESPERATELY in need of a vacation. But the biggest change of all, I would have to say is adjusting to two little boys instead of just one.

I was told the second baby is no big deal. You know how to be a mommy, there shouldn't be any surprises; that this time around should be a walk in the park. I am convinced that the ones who gave me this advice had a very difficult baby the first time around and their second must have been a piece of cake. I however was super lucky with my first baby.

Jayden was simple... He was sleeping through the night 8-10 hours by 3 months and was pretty chill most of the time. He was content just sitting in the swing and swinging for hours. I could get so much done!! Ian, on the other hand, is the complete opposite of his big brother. He is much more needy and always wants to be held. He is up at least three times at night, though he has pulled a few 5 hour stretches which were super nice. I'm told by others that I shouldn't worry and that Ian is a "normal" baby. That I was really lucky with Jayden and that most babies are just like Ian. Dang... I sure was spoiled!!!

Can I be honest? I feel like such an inexperienced mommy, like I have never mothered before. I feel like I have jumped into the ocean without a lift raft and am struggling to keep afloat. Not only were my expectations of nursing shattered, but I feel like I have neglected Jayden as well because he IS so independent. I think that sometimes I forget to spend one-on-one time with him when I do get the chance. I kind of feel like I'm being pulled in every direction and don't have time to even gather my thoughts, which for me... is not a good thing. Am I alone in feeling this way? Did anyone else feel this? Or am I crazy?

I'm sorry, I totally realize that I'm complaining here. Don't get me wrong, I'm so in love with our new little addition and he brings so much joy to our family! There are so many good things that have come from this new season in our lives and I don't forget to thank God for all of it, but this post is about me adjusting to this new life and how hard a transition it has been for me. What I guess I'm trying to saying is that it has been a complete lifestyle shock to me. Lack of sleep, not knowing what I can do to sooth my little man's tummy hurts, and very little me time... All of this has hit me like a ton of bricks and it's getting harder to breath. I find that a part of me is sitting here confused and asking God, "Why has this time been so hard?"

Now that I have taken the time to really write down my feelings and reflect these past two months (Which is why I love writing and blogging so much), I'm brought to a revelation and some conviction. I have come to the conclusion that not only was I spoiled before Ian, but that I was still very selfish and have been keeping God on a little shelf that I can bring down when it's convenient for me. As a mom, selfishness must become a thing of the past, you must lay yourself down. It is no longer just about you. I was convinced that I had already "died to self" once Jayden was born and after that treacherous walk through the fire with my marriage. I'm pretty sure I may have confused "dieing to self" with pride and life experience hurts, because I see some of those old habits creeping up quickly in my spirit and need to nip it in the butt now.

Though I am very good about spending time with the Lord and getting my devotion in for the day, it is always on my time and my schedule. And these past two months haven't been any different. Letting God down when I wanted him, parenting on my OWN understanding and my OWN strength. No wonder it's been so hard!! Where has God been in all this? Yep, sitting up on that shelf where I put him just waiting for me to ask him to come help!

REALITY CHECK!!!

Adjusting to new life changes (like a 2nd baby) is hard, but it would be a lot easier if I would just let go of my pride and let God off that shelf and let Him help me. He will never steer me wrong, but I need to be more sensitive to when He is speaking and I believe that has been a major player in the way I've been feeling lately.

Thank you Father for revealing yourself to me today and continue to help me seek more of you on a daily bases to raise my children the way you would have me raise them. Give me strength and wisdom to the best wife I can be and an even better mother than I have been in the past.

Question for Mom's: Have any of you felt this way after your second or third child? What did you do to help feel better about your day and better about being a good mom? Also... how do you mom's that have multiple children find the time to blog? I know I had no excuse before Jayden, but now when I do have time I'm either trying to nap because I'm so exhausted or clean my house because it's so filthy. I know blogging is such a release for me and helps me process so much of what I'm feeling. So it's something I really need to make some time for. I would love to hear from you!

Falling

After all I have learned, after all I have walked through; I would like to think I’ve learned my lesson by now. But here I am falling backwards all over again. I’m getting too comfortable in life, that I no longer seek Him daily. Stuck in a place where I listen to more of the enemies lies then I do listening to what my Father in heaven is trying to tell me. I see my relationship with the Most High slowly becoming less of a priority and more like a “when I need ya, I’ll call ya” type a thing. I know; how horrible am I? But trust me; it’s a rut that I’m aware of and fighting so badly to get out of.

My common sense tells me it’s imperative to get out of this rut. I know where I’ve been and I don’t want to go back. It’s just about taking that time daily with God and really putting Him first. I always seem to push things back and tell myself I’ll get to it later… but in all reality what I’m doing is just tell God that I just don’t have time for Him today. I have noticed that each day that I seek Him less, each day seems to get harder. By not seeking Him, I’m allowing my guard to come down and am way more susceptible for the enemy to come in and sweep away my joy; and more and more I become prone to believing the brutal lies he whispers.

I know better than to believe these lies. I’ve even had CLASSES to help understand and speak against these lies. But boy-oh-boy does the enemy know just how to get to me! He knows every word to say and every perfect button to push. Speaking directly to my insecurities on the way I look, the way I feel, the way I mother, how I am as a wife, how I keep my home. Even going as far as what my family and friends think about me.

I know that no one is perfect, and we all have our moments of weakness that we all at one time have believe the lies of the enemy. But at times, I feel like I’m the only one. Going in cycles… feeling like this merry-go-round will never end. Is it as simple as just not listening to the lies… I feel like it’s so more complex than that. Even now as I write this I feel dumb. I feel so inadequate as a daughter of the King and as a person in general.

What a rut… I think I just need to go put some worship music on and soak… Consume me from the inside out Lord!


From The Inside Out by Hillsong

More Hillsong music on iLike

Finding My Beauty

Take a good look at this painting. When you look at it, who do you relate to the most? Which figure speaks to your heart? Which one bleeds deep into your soul?

"Self Portrait" by Priscila Williams

This portrait spoke to me more than any other piece of art ever has. When Priscila and my Aunt Kathi were working healing ministry with me, they pulled this out and asked me to really exam the painting and point out which one best described me. I was hesitant and didn’t know what they were trying to accomplish.

Since this ministry was occurring to find some type of healing just after the affair had happened my instinct was to choose the person in the center with all the chains. But as they prayed and I kept looking at the painting, my eyes were drawn to the shadowy face on the bottom left hand side. I hadn’t really noticed it until I gave it more time to really look at the painting and examine my heart. I pointed to that figure and immediately began to sob. Their point in showing me this painting was not to describe how I felt as a result of the affair, but rather to describe how I saw myself as a woman; how I saw myself as a child of God.

I saw myself as a nobody, a shadow along a dark wall that no one seemed to notice or ever really care about (believing it whether it was truth or not). I saw myself as a sad, lonely person that simply went through life without finding any value within me. This painting brought what I was trying to hide to reality and I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it. I didn’t want to be some shadow on a wall. I was made for so much more.

In my goal to really find my true inner beauty, I have been reading “Do You Think I’m Beautiful?” by Angela Thomas. This book has affirmed so much in me and made me realize all the more that my desire to be beautiful and to be longed for is a God given desire. It just seems that I have been searching for it in all the wrong places. I no longer want to be that shadow on the wall, that sad face that seems to go unnoticed by everyone looking in it’s direction. I want to be that women at the top right hand corner of this painting; a free, filled, beautiful woman of God! And I believe I’m getting to that place…

The God who slung the stars across the heavens… the same One who shaped the mountains and the valleys with the tips of His fingers… the God whose very breath gives life… that God, our King, has always been taken with you.

You have been noticed,
He thinks you’re beautiful!
~ Angela Thomas

Ugly Insecurities

My entire life I have struggled with insecurities. I think most woman do throughout their life time, but for me it has been a constant battle of mind, body and soul for as long as I can remember. I have never felt beautiful, I always feel fat and I never receive a compliment! There have also been times in my life that I have taken it to the extreme and not eaten for days (no, not as a pregnant woman, I eat fine when I’m pregnant). I have come to a point where I am done with these feelings and always thinking less of who I really am or who God has intended me to be.

Pregnancy sure doesn’t help these insecurities; in fact it makes them a million times worse to deal with. I go through times of severe depression and choose to pick out every “ugly” thing about me instead of focusing on the amazing little blessing growing inside me (terribly selfish, I know). Trust me, I know this doesn’t help and I know somehow I could be putting a spiritual pressure on this beautiful little bundle; which should give me all the more reason to try to understand where these insecurities got their start and cut them off. Even after an amazing 13 week course through Elijah House, focusing a lot of time getting to the “root” of personal strong holds, I still can’t figure out why I’m so terribly insecure.

I need to stop living in such bondage. It has caused too much hurt and is a major stumbling block in my personal, marital and spiritual growth. I am making it a personal and public goal for the next few weeks to really examine my heart and find the “root” or “roots” of why I feel the way I do. Why would anyone want to live like this forever?

I want to understand why I always feel that I am less than every other person around me. I want to understand why I always feel that what I have to say doesn’t really matter.
I want to stop believing that I’m not smart enough to write a book.
I want to stop walking into a room and feeling that I’m the ugliest person in there and comparing myself to everyone around me.
I want to be ok with not being the most perfect mother and wife, because honestly I don’t think a perfect mother or wife exists.
I want to be ok with knowing that I’ll never be that girl who can fit into a size 0 jean, because ladies… I have CURVES.
I want to be ok with knowing my life hasn’t always turned out the way I may have imagined, but to KNOW that God has something better in store because of the things I have walked through.

There is good in everything and I just want to be able to more clearly see it instead of thinking so little of myself. I deserve better, God planned for better for me. Ultimately, I am the one keeping myself from coming to a place of peace and healing so that I can truly walk in freedom. I am who God made me to be, and I’m the only one stopping myself from becoming everything that God intended. I want to finally be free to be me.

Francesca Battistelli - Free To Be Me

What about you? Is there something that is holding you back from being all God wants you to be? I challenge you to also look inside yourself and break free from whatever insecurities that may be holding you back from walking in the freedom and greatness God has planned out of you. I want to see more women free from insecurities! I will be praying for you!

Comfortable is Not for Me

As I spent my quiet time with the Lord today, I saw myself looking down two roads. Two roads that looked oddly familiar and somewhat eerie. One road was the path of constantly seeking Jesus in all I do and praying faithfully through every situation. The other, was the road of being content and comfortable with life and my walk with God.

For some, being comfortable is a good thing. It’s a sense of security and sometimes a place of trust. But in this situation, it scares me to be too comfortable. I have found (especially when it comes to our walk with God) that when we sit comfortably by, the enemy is there working harder than ever to bring us down.

Let me ask you this; when you’re comfortable are you talking to God more or less? Are you spending that time with God daily and asking for guidance?

I don’t know about you but I speak to Him less, because I feel that I have everything that I need; and that my friends is the most perfect time for the enemy to come in and work. Less of the spirit and intimacy with the Father means more access for the enemy to come in and plant lies. That is why being comfortable makes me so scared. It’s happened before… it can happen again.

Being comfortable is not for me. Which road would you take?

Imagine Me

I’ve been listening to a lot of Kirk Franklin lately. By far he is one of the most inspirational Christian artists I have ever listened to. He has been through the battle; he is honest about his struggle and still he keeps his focus on HIM.

When Hero came out I was obsessed with the album. I couldn’t stop feeling myself in each of the songs in some way. Each song brought out weakness that I was choosing to hide from the world; but funny enough all I wanted to do was dance them and express how weak I really was. I ended up choreographing three dances, but the ones that sticks with me the most is “Imagine Me.”

Before my quiet time with the Lord today I decided to put this CD on and just soak. Boy did I soak. In no time, an hour had passed and the floor beneath me was damp from the tear I had been crying before the Father. This song hit a nerve and I so desperately wanted to see myself the way Jesus saw me.

I started to imagine me. Imagine a strong woman with very little insecurities because I knew who I was and how much the Father loved me. I began to realize that I DID have the power to stop the enemy and all the thoughts that constantly controlled my ways of thinking. I saw myself letting go of all the people who have tried to bring me down or rob me of my joy because of their own selfish motives. I saw myself free from judgment, free from my past, free from bitterness, free from so many issues that God is constantly working on in me. I imagined myself so free…

Kirk Franklin - Imagine Me

How do you imagine you?

Love Does Not Delight in Evil, But Rejoices With the Truth.

Have you ever taken delight in evil? How terrible does that sound? What kind and gentle Christian person would delight themselves in evil things? I was convinced that I had never done such a hurtful and horrible thing. But through this Love study, God has taught me so much and yet again, he was going to teach me something new to knock me off my feet and put me face down in humility.

I am well aware that I am far from perfect and I will be the first to admit it. I am not naive to the fact that I have on several occasions been blinded by my own pride and down right terrible behavior. I have thought that my actions were justifiable at the time or that I might have had the “right” to feel the way I did in a certain situation. But have I ever taken delight in evil? Still convinced of my innocence, my flesh wasn’t going to give that one up so easily.

Delight: A feeling of extreme gratification aroused by something good or desired.
Evil: Something that is a cause or source of suffering, injury, or destruction: the social evils of poverty and injustice.

WHAT THE... Again, Father God has brought me to my knees in conviction and has drawn out a covered up sin that I have chosen to bury. Though I do not feel that I have deliberately delighted in evil, God reminds me of several times of when I have taken the stance or a feeling that a person has deserved their suffering because of the hurt they have caused me or others.

For me, my hurt over the affair has caused me to rudely point the finger and say "you deserve what you get!" Deserve all the hurt, all the pain and at times I wish it was worse for you... just so you could feel the pain that I felt and what you took away from me. How stupid am I to admit that? Have I learned nothing from this recent conviction? Don't paint me as a vengeful person yet; remember I am still working through the hurt and moving on towards healing. And though I am still angry, I am convicted and question, who I am to judge whether or not their pain hasn't been as bad as mine. Or simply the fact, "Who am I to be OK with the suffering of someone else?!?!" WHO?!?!

More often than not the hurt that is there is just the enemy covering our eyes to the freedom we could have if we just gave it up. Instead we allow the enemy to stay and feed our pain and hide behind all our selfish reasoning. In the end, living in hurt and bitterness will only hurt us. We can all at times find ourselves delighting in evil, usually and unfortunately unaware of it. It can be as small as saying, “See, I told you so.” Or not even the words crossing your lips, but taking a prideful stance that you sure did warn them.

What God calls us to do is love one another and rejoice in the truth. John 3:21 “But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God." Let us not hold ourselves as better than any one else. To God, all our sins are the same. Who are we to delight in any hurt or suffering of others, even if we feel that it is justifiable? Would you want others to delight in your suffering?

In this walk, I have come so very far. Yet, there is still so much more for me to learn and walk through. I don’t think there is ever a point in someone’s life that they should stop growing and learning. All through life God allows things to happen to make us better, stronger people and to show us how faithful and amazing He is as our Father. I can rejoice in that truth alone.

Have you ever unintentionally found yourself being 'OK' with another person's hurt or suffering? What is God putting on your heart?

Convictions and A Prayer Request

I have seriously felt at my lowest of lows lately. Why is it that I always feel like this when I’m supposed to be at my happiest? I feel like I’m on this journey to find myself again, yet have none of the people in my life to stand by me like before. I feel lost and alone and trying desperately to understand what I did to find myself between this jagged rock and this steep cliff that I’m about fall off of. But still when all seems lost, God has a way of showing you that He’s here and how much He cares about you.

As I was crying like a baby in my car last night on the way home from a movie with my son; an Addison Road song came on called “Hope Now.” Needless to say, the tears certainly did not stop; in fact they got much worse. Conviction and dishonor rolled over me like a guilty wave. I have been so wrong and yet my merciful God gave me a gentle glimpse into why things have played out the way they have.

Though I feel so broken down and out of control, God is showing me that HE is the one walking me through it. Without Him, I am nothing! This song spoke to my heart more that I thought it could. Maybe it will speak to yours today as well.

Hope Now
If everything comes down to love
Then just what am I afraid of
When I call out Your name
Something inside awakes in my soul
How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own
I've been carried by You
All my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

I am not my own
I've been carried by you all my life

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

You've become my heart’s desire
I will sing Your praises higher
Cause Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free
Your love sets me free

Also, if you could keep me in prayer I would really appreciate it. As you can see from the picture below I am already showing. This is not because I am farther along that I though; it’s because I have an umbilical hernia that has grown much larger since my last pregnancy. (Honestly, I’m quite embarrassed that I’m showing so soon even though I showed quickly last time) Since growing it has also become a little more painful than before. So please pray that is stays manageable through this pregnancy. Thank you and I hope you all have a blessed week!

Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

I’m stunned; no, shocked how I pretty much fail at each of the types of love that God commands us to walk in. I felt like I would be good at one of these love commands, but each one goes deeper, to the most inner parts of my soul, and shows me how much I really suck at loving. I am beginning to realize how selfish an unloving I can be toward especially towards the people I care about most. It’s funny in a way, because sometimes the people you are closest to are the ones you end up whacking the hardest with your insensitivity.

Those who know me well can attest that I never forget anything. I have a mind like an elephant, so they say, and I can list every hurtful thing you’ve ever done to me. I know what you must be thinking, who would want to live like that?! Trust me when I say, I have NO FREAKING clue because I hate to remember things!! You did something to me 5 years ago and I’ll be able to name what you did and even how you said it, to hurt my feelings. I unfortunately really do NOT walk in keeping no records of wrong.

I seem to always remember both the big and little things that felt like a jab at who I am as a person. I sure wish I could forget the time in 6th grade when a bunch of 8th graders made fun of my clothes and shoes and said that I dressed like a penguin, since at the time I wore white shirts and black 80’s jeans all the time. What I was thinking in wearing that? I don’t know, it doesn’t really matter… but I can’t seem to forget the hurt it caused; since then I’ve never worn black jeans again. I can remember situations with a long distance relative that still get me annoyed, making it difficult to speak to them, even to this day. I can remember everyone in my youth group being mad at me for no good reason because the “popular “ girl said I wasn’t cool enough and how it made me feel so alone. I can remember the first time I met my sister-in-love and how we both gave dirty looks to one another; or how my other sister-in-law punched me because she was so mad. But the worst thing I keep record of is my husband’s infidelity. I want nothing more than to let it go and let us live our lives as new. But I still have a tendency to bring this “wrong” back on record and not love him as Jesus tells me to.

Digging deeper I realized this verse has a few different translations; whether you see it as no record of wrongs (NIV), love is not resentful (RSV) or look at it as simply that love holds no grudges (LB), I’m sure that we can all recall something we’ve held against someone and continued to reminded them of their failures. For me, I need to let the little things go and release the people that have repented free of this “judgment” that I have placed upon them. I must not bring up past failures and live in today and the promises that God gives us each day. Switchfoot has a song, “Dare You to Move,” that hits the nail on the head regarding this very thing. Moving on and living life as though the hurts of yesterday never happened. God, dare me to move!

Switchfoot - dare you to move
Uploaded by raenishabetty. - Explore more music videos.

Where-oh-Where Have I been?

I have seriously been MIA from the blog world lately. Though it stinks to be so behind, I believe it has been a good thing for me to take a break from it and get all my priorities in order. I love writing, I have a passion for it and someday I want to do something more with it. I want to touch people’s lives through my words and show them that they aren’t alone through life’s struggles and challenges, along with it’s joys and successes, but I believe that I have taken this dream and focused much of my energy in the wrong direction.

Unfortunately I feel that a lot of the blogging I have done has been done for the wrong reasons. During the past three months I have lost my way and have become selfish and prideful over my blog. I have made some pretty dumb choices along the way and I most certainly have reaped the consequences of some of them. I have slammed head on to a path that has not been focused on the more important priorities in my life and I most certainly feel the repercussion of taking that selfish road and not being obedient to God’s voice.

Through this season, I’m learning that pride is a dangerous path to walk. When I walk down that road I am trusting on my own abilities rather than trusting the in Father’s. I also find that I come to regard other people with contempt and disrespect rather then seeing them as my equal and created in God’s image (2 Philippians 2:3). My pride has exposed a weakness I have. This is not who I want to be; I want to walk down the road of righteousness and know that what I have done has been only to glorify God (Matthew 23:12).

So with all of that said my dear friends and blogger buddies, I felt it was necessary to step away from blogging for just a little while since it was what has been monopolizing so much of my time and focus these past few months. For those that truly read my blog because you are genuinely interested in it and may even feel inspired by it at times, I thank you. You are the ones that make me love writing and inspire me to expand more as a writer. My heart isn’t to share the “all about me” parts of my life, but the moments where even I have to look back and challenge myself on something I have written.

Proverbs 15:33, “The fear of the Lord is the instruction of wisdom, and before honor is humility.” So I must lay down my pride, start walking in humility and trusting that God will walk with me, yet again, through this season. Continue to undo me Lord…

Love is not Easily Angered

It’s funny because as I sat down to start writing this, I must confess that I AM a little angry. I find it odd that I feel led to write this now; but then again God always shows me something through this. Obviously He is trying to tell me something, right? It never ceases to amaze me on what I keep learning about this verse on love. As I start to examine my relationships, my marriage, my close friendships and even myself as a new mother I realize how often I fall short. Thankfully we have a truly loving and most redeeming savior!

The word anger is defined as “A strong feeling of displeasure or hostility.” Boy-oh-boy do I feel that way a lot; thank God Paul didn’t leave out that amazing little word “easily” angered. Easily meaning: the petty crap that REALLY means nothing in the long run that we all get annoyed or frustrated over. I for one find myself doing this a lot!!!

Ephesians 4:26-27, 31-32 says, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on the cause of your anger. Do not give the devil an opportunity. You must put away every kind of bitterness, anger, wrath, quarreling, and evil, slanderous talk. And be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you”

Let me lay it out for you in 2009 lingo. There are times for anger for a just cause, but make sure to talk about it right away and don’t let it fester inside. Don’t give the devil the opportunity to make things worse. You must not hold onto resenting bitterness, petty anger; selfish quarreling, and all that, “Oh no she didn’t” talk. {snap, snap, snap} And always be kind and tender hearted to one another, and remember that because we are forgiven every day by our God we must extend grace and forgive one another as well.

I don’t know about you, but I surely needed to hear that today (even though I wrote this last night and had to wait till my hubby edited it this morning)! So much of the time I find myself easily angered with my husband, but in the long run see that the issue was so petty and unnecessary. Or there are times where I find myself getting angry or hurt by others because they have bluntly called me out, and through my anger sits my pride knowing full well that the person is right and I just don’t want to admit it. So as I sit here wounded in my own pride I will leave you with one question before I run off and apologize to my hubby. Was your anger righteous today?!

Love is Not Self Seeking

Last year was a big year for me, none like I’ve ever experienced before. God was molding me, changing me, making me new and allowing me to walk through fires I never thought I would have been able able to walk through. During this time a friend challenged me to dig deep into the Word; to really examine God's promises to me and the destiny he had for my life. She asked me if I had ever really studied 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 before. I had read the verses a thousand times before, what could be any different now?

As I slowly broke down the verse into each individual phrase, I began to realize how perfect God’s love was and how imperfect I was at loving. I wanted to write down what God was showing me, so I started blogging about it. I worked my way through Love is Patient and then through Love is Kind. Then walked my way through Love Does Not Envy. The last blog post I wrote about these verses was Love Does not Boast or is Not Proud. As I dug into the Word, I found myself more and more convicted by the words of my Savior. I didn’t realize how much I failed at true love!

Though it has taken me a year to come back to it, I feel the need to finish. Which brings me to today’s topic “Love is Not Self Seeking.” Mr. Dictionary tell us that the definition of self seeking is “The act or habit of seeking one's own interest or happiness; selfishness.”

Ok… I am now going to take a brief moment to stop and R-E-A-L-L-Y think about what I’m going to say next because I really don’t want any word vomit to spew from my mouth before wisdom has had a chance to settle. Here is a cute music video of Mercy Me singing "So Long Self." How appropriate!

There are a million things I could say about this type of love and how I don’t believe that anyone but Jesus is capable of walking it out as Paul described when he wrote this verse. I believe Paul saw what selfishness could do to the world; he saw what it was doing to the world. I too have seen first hand what selfishness can do. I have seen it hurt people in ways you cannot imagine and have watched selfishness so consume people that they completely believe all the lies the enemy has fed to them. But who am I to judge; have I not been selfish in my life time? Is this really too much of Paul to be asking of us?

Can you honestly say that you have never had a selfish motive and carried it out? Or refused to do something good because you just don't feel like it? Because… I KNOW I HAVE! I am a girl that likes to be comfortable. I can’t stand confrontation, so I’ll do almost anything to avoid those situations. I love my sleep, so I’ll ask my darling husband to get up with Jayden so I can sleep in just a little bit longer! In all three of these examples I acted in selfishness!!

Unfortunately when the fall of man occurred and Adam and Eve took that bite from that fruit, (not that I’m blaming them for my actions) a lot of the “pure at heart” characteristics fell away from them. It’s a constant battle for most of us to fight the natural instinct to look out for one's self. Even Jeremiah 17:9 says that “The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Who can understand it?” Not that people can’t be selfless, they can! There are so many in this world who will die to themselves daily and put other people’s needs before their own. But... it's still a battle! (2 Corinthians 4:11-12)

Though I still fall short and put my own selfish desires before others, I do want to be more like my Jesus everyday. Paul was right, true love isn’t self seeking. Jesus committed the most selfless act one can by giving up his life for all of humanity. He embodies what Paul was talking about in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and I want to love like that.

This Rock

I have found that even a safe and sturdy rock can sometimes crack. It’s a small crack, but as little pieces of it start to slowly crumble from underneath my feet, I can't help but feel panicked as I franticly try to find other life lines I can hold onto. Is this crack my fault? Was it smart for me to stay here in this place so long? Should I have left with the others?

I have put my faith, love, drive and sweat into this rock. I have cared for it, fought for it, defended it and have even been hated for it. I believe in this rock. I believed it would take care of me; it HAS taken care of me and blessed me. I'm doing everything I can to have this rock not hurt me; or am I? I have built my household upon this rock and not only have I come a long way, but so has the rock! It has stood the test of time, even when others said it would fall. It has seen its share of sadness; weathered its own storms; has been built upon and has seen growth because there is favor from God. It's a great rock; but with all things, it is still vulnerable to breaking.

Is this just God's way of saying to move on; or is there something more He is trying to tell me? I know that He is testing me again. But sometimes it's so hard to have faith that He will take care of all things, just as long as I trust Him. Is this me not trusting Him again? I have also found that - The bigger the bolder, the more pain it will cause when it comes crashing down on you. I’m in a state of confusion and I'm not sure where to find a good footing. I know there is a reason I know there’s a way. At this point... I'm just holding on for dear life, hoping it all won’t crash too quickly on me.

When all hope seemed lost, I trusted God... why do I not trust Him now? Is it because I'm comfortable? I never liked being "comfortable" when it came to my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I don’t think you should ever be “comfortable”... it's make you more vulnerable to the enemy. Is this what you are trying to teach me? Lord, where do I go from here? Can this crack be repaired or is it time for me to really move from this spot?

I trust you... help me find the way!