Monday, September 29, 2008

Giving Up - The Easy Way Out

My life seems to be falling apart in front of me. Every time I think I have it figured out, it all comes tumbling down again. I was a stronger person 8 weeks ago, I was proud of who I had become and who God was making me to be; how come I feel like I’ve lost everything and I’ve been totally and utterly defeated? How could it be that God would carry me this far and then just dropped me? I know this is not the case, but this is how I feel!!! I’m tired and weary and have no strength to go on. I see no light at the end of the tunnel and now I feel like I’m walking in the dark. More and more things are attacking me, things I’m not sure I know how to handle. When am I going to understand the purpose of this and why you allowed me to walk through it? Will I ever understand?

Depression is showing its ugly face more than ever before. It’s like a dark cloud that covers every part of me. The enemy has a way of telling me that this is all my fault and I deserved what I got. He whispers to me “You should have seen it coming; God showed you all the signs; you’ve seen this before, he is always going to fail you; Once a heart breaker, always a heart breaker. You drove him to it; you’ll drive him to it again. If it weren’t for you, your life would be normal and happy.” I’m not sure how much more I can take. I know it’s all lies, but I just can’t fight anymore. My body and mind say give up now!

With my face covered in tears and my head towards the ground, I have some words with my Lord and Savior. I can assure you, they weren’t pretty, and they weren’t sweet; more like an angry teenage girl yelling at her mother. I could feel him there… I gave all that I had; He gently pointed me in the right direction when he gave me Psalm 3: 1-4.

“Lord, how my adversaries have increased! Many are they that rise up against me. Many are they which say of my soul, there is no help for him in God. But thou, O Lord, are a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his Holy Hill.


Something inside calmed, and peace just settled over me. I felt a warm touch on my back and then Hebrews 13:5 came to me, “Never will I leave you or forsake you.” My heart broke again and I stood before him humbled. Where did that strength I once had go? Can I ever be that strong again?

I believe I can, it’s just going to take time. I just need to keep pressing forward, don’t ever give up or let the enemy win the battle of my mind. It’s easier to just give up, but there is such an amazing blessing to those who walk out their troubles with Him. He is my refuge and my strength and he will get me through to the other side.

2 comments:

Ruth Witmer said...

Lyryn,

You are a victorious woman. You will win this victory. You must stop listening to the lies of the enemy. They are just that, lies.
God has a plan for both of your lives but you must truly walk in a place of humility before God. Humble yourself before Him and He will lift you up. You are a joy to all who know you. You just need to believ it for yourself.
Soak yourself in the presence of the Lord, Praise him even if you don't feel like it. He loves you with an everlasting love.
Love,
Momma

Kathi said...

your words are beautifully raw and real, lyryn. it is a gift to be stripped, but it certainly doesn't feel that way when we're in the midst of it.

i commend you as look into your heart and process the pain and anguish of betrayal. your honesty is refreshing. your strength is evident, in spite of how you may feel. and your desire to press into the Lord is a beautiful reminder of His faithfulness, mirrored in your heart.

you are an amazing woman, lyryn. don't let the lies lodge in your heart. hold up your shield of faith, trusting that the Lord is going to be faithful to complete what He has begun,and using the sword of the Spirit, combat the enemy's attempts to deceive you.

you will most certainly be victorious. the battle is the Lord's!

may i offer a song forged in the furnace of affliction?

I WILL LEAN

This trial is a gift,
Appointed by heaven
Forging His likeness
Through this fiery ordeal
And I will consider it
Joy beyond measure
Knowing my King
Has led me right here

I will lean, yes, I will lean,
I will trust
In the love of my Master
I will lean, yes,
I will lean,
I will rest in the love of my King

For I know that all testing Produces endurance
And if I allow Him
To have His own way
My heart will be found
Perfect and blameless
Ready to stand
Before Him on that day

Blessed is the one
Who perseveres under trial
For he shall receive
The crown of life,
The crown of life…
So, I will lean, yes,
I will lean,
I will trust
In the love of my Master
I will lean, yes,
I will lean,
I will rest in the love of my King

love you,
aunt kathi

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